MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”

The plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his
accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you
are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an
expensive tie."

Confused, the man went to his Minister, told him of the conflicting
advice, and asked him what he should do.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Minister. A woman, about to be
married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her
mother said, "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up
to your neck and wool socks." But when she asked her best friend, she got
conflicting advice: "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right
down to your navel."

The man protested: "But Reverend, what does all this have to do with
my problem with the IRS?"

"It doesn't matter what you wear; you're going to get screwed."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too - first with both hands, then an armpit - she even tried squeezin' it between her knee s, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!?!?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
last summer We had these texan ranchers come up to fishing club, All they talked about how everything is bigger in texas. He asked me if I owned any land here in quebec. I said yes I have a fifty acre lot with my house on it. He laughed at me and said" boy where I live I can get in my truck and drive all day and not see the other side of my property" I replied " so I have a truck just like that"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
"Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for
you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help
you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face,
Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the
priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything
to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do
you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous
instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives at this hectic time of year.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find
Inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
Bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my
old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a
box of Russell Stovers Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Three loggers

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of
Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the
Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the
woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales"
hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling
frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a
10-foot grizzly. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican
loggers came racing up.

One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two
reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's
grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and
two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly
placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there
was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental
activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was
that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he
sure doesn't know anything about grizzly bear hunting! By the way, is the
bait holding up or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another
one?"
 
Top