I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked
what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open
24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area,
so I went to the lost luggage office and
told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because
she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
So I replied, "No Ma'am, The Pilot told us we're circling the airport, 3rd in line to land"
While working at a pizza place, I observed
a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him
if he would like it cut into four pieces or six..
He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into four pieces.
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six pieces."
I walked into a Starbucks with a
buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.
I handed it to the girl and she looked over at
a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.'
"They're already buy-one- get-one-free," she said,
"so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free lattes, and I walked out the door.
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north; because, he explained,
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East,
and has for sometime; she shook her head and said,
"Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Color of eyes?
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Color of hair?
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
What was she wearing?
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
What kind of car did she go in?
She went in my Jeep.
What kind of Jeep was it?
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor.
“I am goin’ huntin’ tomorrow Buddy and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I’ll give you fifty bucks.”
“Yes, sir!” answers Buddy.
The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks: “So, Buddy, how was your day?”
Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo Buddy! The second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him Maalox, sir.” says Buddy.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the Doctor.
“Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties. She lies down on the table and shouts: Help me – I haven’t seen a man in over two years.”
“Lard Tunderin’ Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?”
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case.
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen a $20 bill all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly pulled out a crumpled $20 bill from her bra. He took the bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen a $50 bill all crumpled up?”
“Uh, no, I haven’t,” he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her sheer undies and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill. He took the bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said ever so softly, “Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”
“No!” he answered trying hard to hide his arousal.