MAKE ME LAUGH!

Dennis Olson

Chief Curmudgeon
_______________
Okay, jokesters and punsters! We get so much BAD NEWS on the board, that it's high-time we had a dedicated room to blow off steam. Yuk it up in here gang! I *NEED* to laugh, before I start screaming.

So - step up to the plate folks. Here's your chance!

BTW, the name of this room is in tribute to my favorite group ever, Monty Python's Flying Circus.

SPAM anyone....? :spam:

:D
 

D_el

Veteran Member
Dennis,

Monty Python is one of my favorites too. I love the dead parrot skit but couldn't do proper justice to it with only "one liners", so try this and see if it tickles the funnybone:

http://orangecow.org/pythonet/pet-shop.html

D_el


P.S. I'll have the Special: Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam, eggs, spam, spam, and spam with a side order of spam, spam, and spam
 

Delta

Has No Life - Lives on TB
True story from MIL, from her days as a social worker. She was in court with a girl who was on the stand explaining some incident with a boyfriend, saying ". . . he was a M-O-T-H-E-R ****er . . . " spelling out the "mother" but not, of course, the one word that was so much a part of her vocabulary as to be transparent.

Without missing a beat, the judge said, "well N-O shit."
 

Kamelot

Contributing Member
10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".


:spns:

Kamelot
 

Telyn

Contributing Member
"French Passport"
An elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection".

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it".

"Impossible...You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. The he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to!"
 

Dosh

Inactive
Three days later and it is still a GREAT ROOM.

Thanks for a laugh after reading all of the reality on the main forum.

We all need this.
 

Herbmountain

Inactive
Dennis. As you know Im married to a truck driver and heavy equipment operator. He was lifting a roof in Beneshia I believe?. The new roof was for a juvenile facility being built. On the frontage road a sign was up saying "Building For The Future". This was right before you come to the new facility. My honey got a real laugh out of this one. I wish he had taken a picture.

Dennis. What are those little round icons under User information? And how come some have 6 and many of us have 4?
 

Dennis Olson

Chief Curmudgeon
_______________
The round icons are "radiation symbols". They used to tell roughly how many posts a member has. The more little symbols, the more posts.
 

Indiansummer

Inactive
bartp40 said:
OMG!! I almost died laughing before I said to myself, Damn, that's sick!!!!

I know my sense of humor is twisted though, cause the sicker it is, the harder I seem to laugh. :eleph: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Stop, STOP, OH Please STOP? :lol:
 

Indiansummer

Inactive
Hope this isn't too old, was new to me!!

Don't Try This At Home
Bud and Jim are a couple of drinking buddies who work as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport is fogged in and they're stuck in the hanger with nothing to do. Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink." Jim says, "Me, too. Ya know, I heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels great. No hangover. No bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim: "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud: "Great!"

Jim: "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud: "No, that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangovers, nothing. We oughta do this more often."

Jim: "Yeah, well, there's just one thing."

Bud: "What's that?"

Jim: "Have you farted yet?"

Bud: "No."

Jim: "Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."

// posted by Jim @ 10:36 PM | comments (0) | A Great President vs. A Miserable Failure
 

NumberOneSon

Inactive
This is sooo sick...

This is about little Johnny.

Little Johnny's mom was a prostitute. Little Johnny ahd know this for
quite some time and wasn't ashamed.

Every day, when he would come home from school, his mom would have
dinner ready early, because of her job.

One day, when he came home, he found that dinner wasn't prepared
as usual. He found his mom standing in the doorway between the
kitchen and the living room, dressed in her robe.

"Mom, what's for dinner?", he asked.

Hi mother whipped around, threw off her robe, yelled, "CRABS!" :shkr:

:kk2:
 

Hansa44

Justine Case
Hoax or not (I don't know) it is STILL the funniest phone call I ever heard.

Thanks Tumbleweed. The links aintitfunny posted seem to work here in this sig. I just can't get them to work on the main page even when I type them in.
 

rugmaker

Veteran Member
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man
was staring.
The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
 

rugmaker

Veteran Member
Linda Brunet, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
 
W

wombat

Guest
Ah, now jokes are one of my favorite pastimes.

What is the aboriginal meaning of vegetarian?......"lousy hunter"

This one is slightly adult....so close your eyes if you are too young for it!...

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking among themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Well the first old lady had a stroke. Then, the second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far..
 

Miss Vic

Inactive
:ld: OK.... so say this fast ...but watch your tongue!! :p

I'm not a fig plucker
I'm a fig plucker's son
But I'll pluck your figs
Till the fig pluckers come
 

akatsuki556

Membership Revoked
barber shop

A blonde walks into a barber shop to get an expensive haircut. the barber notices that she is wearing earphones. The blonde asks him to just cut around it, so he does so. Later the barber notices she fell asleep so he takes off the headphones. He then goes into a back room for a few minutes to take a phone call and get a new razor. He comes back and noticed that the blonde is dead. He is freaked out....he then puts on the headphones and listens. "breathe in....breathe out. breathe in....breathe out."
 

Chair Warmer

Membership Revoked
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls around in a mud puddle, and crosses back over?











Answer: A dirty double crosser!
 

RWH

Membership Revoked
These have been great thanks for sharing,

Here is one my son dropped on me while I was driving. He said it was in self defense so I couldn't hit him .... ah ha how wrong a child can be. He will live to see his Senior year. Lucky him.


How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb?







Are you ready??






Only two, but you need a really big light bulb.


If you didn't get it re-read the joke and don't but any emphasis on any words.
 

olla86

Inactive
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".


:spns:

Kamelot
ha-ha-ha! Thanks a lot!:lkick:You are the best!
 

RememberGoliad

redneck packrat
With all the rain, I've noticed that our dogs must be amateur physicists. They apparently have a theory here that thunder causes mattresses to become lighter than air, thus the danger of them floating up to the ceiling is very high during a storm. The dogs know this, and in order to protect their hoomins from being smushed against the ceiling by the lighter-than-air mattress, they must all jump up on the bed to attempt to hold it down.

They do this out of the love and kindness in their hearts, with no regard for their own safety should the thunder become so severe that it overcomes the added mass on the mattress and it floats up anyway! We must always properly appreciate the risks our furry family members take for us!
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A few laughs.

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."


This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and

sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."



I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your

hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over

there instead of you."


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess

what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose

patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."


I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.



I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing

on a table. I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed

by now."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An old man, a boy & a donkey

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.


The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.



The moral of the story?


If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!


Have A Nice Day &
Be Careful With Your Donkey
 
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