Old Reliable

Veteran Member
TP Outages

I Went to Walmart . . . I've never been so rudely treated in my life . . . All I did was ask for toilet paper at the service desk . . . The woman behind the counter yelled at the top of her lungs OH MY GOD, NO !! . . . I POLITELY said there's no need to make a scene and shuffled back to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles.

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The blind clerk.

During the 1950s and 1960s my father owned and operated a Western Auto Associate Store in Sanford, Florida. Despite the name, the store sold a little of almost everything except groceries and clothes. Since he loved the outdoors, my father made sure to have a rather extensive selection of fishing and hunting gear.

My father was also one to give the disadvantaged a break. So when a blind man applied for a clerk's position and proved that he had both a phenomenal memory and hearing, my father hired him.

One day a woman came into the Western Auto store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She didn't know which one to get so she just grabbed one and went over to the counter. The clerk was standing there wearing dark glasses. The woman said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

The clerk explained, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.” She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opened her purse, her credit card dropped on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like an American Express card," remarked the clerk.

The woman bent down to pick it up and accidentally farted. At first she was really embarrassed, but then realized there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rung up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman was totally confused by this and asked, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replied, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

She paid the bill.

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
My brother the vet

We don’t know if this is true, but here’s the claim: “My brother, tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, went to veterinarian school. His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was ‘No Matter What Happens – You Get Your Cat Back!’

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Got pulled over

I got pulled over today. Apparently I was his first speeder because when he got to my window he said "I've been waiting for you all day!". I said "I got here as fast as I could". He let me go!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Feeding the squirrels, ....I mean birds!

You know the routine, you set a bird feeder up outside the motorhome window to attract different variety of birds but before you know it the squirrels move in and figure a way to get to the seed!

Well. Worry No More!

With just a couple 2 litre bottles with holes in the bottom you can feed the birds w/o those pesky squirrels. Simply feed a line thru the two bottles, hang the feeder in between and your good to go!

Enjoy the antics!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”

The plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, Morris goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?” Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, ‘Honey, please just one more time before I die. She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours. Again he taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could….”

At this point the wife sits up and says, “Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning, you don’t.”

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.”

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic

When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Two men were sitting at the bar on the top floor of the Empire State Building.

One man says to the other, “You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.”

The other man says “Get outta here, you’re joking aren’t you?”

The first man says “No, here, I’ll prove it!” He stands on the window ledge, jumps out and comes back in through the 90th floor window.

The other man says. “That was just a one off. Do it again!” So the first man does it again and comes through on the 90th floor. He runs back up and says “See, I’m telling the truth!”

The second man says, “Wow, I’m gonna do it too then.” He stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.

The barman, who just caught the end of this says to the first man, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk!”

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During
the game the guys notice the girl knows much more about the game then they
do, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, “How is it that
you know so much about baseball?” She says, “Well, I used to be a guy and
got a sex change.”

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

“What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT

“That *was* very painful, but was not the most painful part.”

“Was it when they cut off the sack holding the family jewels?”

“That was very painful too, but was not the most painful part.”

“What was the most painful part?”

“The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half.”

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A stumbling drunk is walking down the street when he stumbles upon a baptismal ceremony by a local stream. The priest notices the drunk and says, “My son, do u want to find Jesus?”

The drunk says sure and gets in the water. The priest dunks his head in and asks, “Have you found Jesus?” The drunk says no and the priest dunks him again.

The priest repeats this a couple more times, “Have you found Jesus?” he asks each time, but the drunk replies “No” every time.

Finally, the drunk gets tired of the process and exclaims: “I don’t see Jesus anywhere. Are u sure this is where he fell in?!?”

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
So, I was driving down College Road the other day. As I went past one of the traffic cameras I saw it flash. Now, I knew I wasn’t speeding and laughed that it took my picture. I turned around and drove past it again, almost 10MPH under the speed limit, it flashed at me again. I did this repeatedly and the last time I was at a crawl, laughing my butt off that it took my picture again, how funny was this.

Two weeks later I got 6 tickets in the mail for not wearing a seat belt.

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
I always liked the one where the government EPA Inspector shows up at the cattle ranchers house and introduces himself, saying he needs to check his land for water runoff, illegal wells, that kind of thing.

The farmer steps out on the porch, leans over and spits some tobacco and says "Well, I have no problem with that, just stay away from that small pasture just to the North.

The EPA guy whips out his wallet and shows him his badge and says "Look here, this badge gives me the right to inspect any and all property here on your ranch and that's what I intend to do.

The inspector spins on his heel and marches right for the North pasture, climbing over the fence to gain access. THe rancher walks over and leans on the fence watching the inspector.

A loud grunt is heard and some scraping of hooves on the ground. The Inspector turns around and see the biggest bull making a charge right for him. He drops everything and starts running for his life.

While he running and screaming, he yells "Help me, What do I do?"

The rancher leans over and spits some tobacco juice on the ground and looks at the inspector running for his life and says...

"Show him your badge!!"

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Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An elderly couple are driving through a winter storm one night when they see a skunk freezing to death on the side of the road.

The lady says "Lets stop and see if we can help it."

They get it into the car and she asks "How can we warm it up?"

The old fella says "Put it under the floor board and the heat should warm it up."

After a few minutes she says "It's not working, it's still so cold...."

He says "Hold it between your legs, that should warm it up."

She asks "What about the smell?"

He says "Just hold it's nose."

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A Business Class traveler was trying to flirt with an attendant.
"So, what's your name young lady?"
She replied "Mercedes, sir."
"Lovely! Any relation to the car?"
"Yes sir, we do have something in common."
"Oh, what would that be?"
"The price tag."

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
How to let your children expereince Socialism

Speak your young daughter or son. Explain you will pay them $10 to clean the bathroom or mow the lawn or some other type of household chore.

When they are finished, pay them in $1 bills. When they reach out their hands to receive their pay, hand them two single dollar bills and hand the eight extra dollars to their friends or some other kids who did nothing. Tell them they have no choice in this decision and it makes you feel good to share their earnings.

Explain to your child that the other children need the fruits of their labor as well. Explain that it's in fact greedy and selfish of them to complain about the 80% tax rates that helps the other children who did nothing.

The next day offer to pay them $10 for yet another chore. No doubt they will protest, they will complain and one of them will say "it's not worth doing when you give away so much of our earnings".

At this point you can say "Welcome to capitalism" and agree with their logic and say thanks for teaching me this lesson.