Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A nun goes to Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?’ The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a figleaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’

‘No thank you, but I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the figleaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?’

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Another ER visit.

Well, I'm at the emergency room.

I got bored being at home so I decided to take off and go horseback riding. Something I haven't done in a while. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It just wouldn't stop.

Thankfully the manager at the Dollar General store came out and unplugged the machine. He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn't attempt to ride the Elephant.

I'll be fine. You know where to send gifts and get well cards

Old Reliable

Veteran Member

Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal and trusting Westies, all 4 of them. I was in the checkout line, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital the last time, but I’d lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it worked is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I must mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s rear end and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Tractor Supply.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of things to say. Forward this to all your mature friends … it will be their laugh for the day.

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
After Church service a little boy was waiting his turn to talk to the preacher when he noticed a plaque on the wall with a whole bunch of names on it He asked the preacher what is that plaque with all those names on it the preacher said those are the names of people that died while they were in service The little boy said did they die during the morning service or the evening service

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A young blonde girl wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
grandma's shoes

when i was very little

all the grandmas that i knew

all walked around this world

in ugly grandma shoes.

you know the ones i speak of,

those black clunky heeled kind

they just looked so very awful

that it weighed upon my mind,

for i knew, when i grew old

i’d have to wear those shoes,

i’d think of that, from time to time

it seemed like such bad news.

…and now when i go shopping

what i see, fills me with glee

for, in my jeans and reeboks

i’m as comfy as can be.

and i look at all these teenage girls

and there, upon their feet

are clunky, black, old grandma shoes,

and they really think they’re neat.​

Old Reliable

Veteran Member

Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.

Number 6

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny.
They can't tell them apart.
If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--

What you do today, might Burn your Ass Tomorrow

... and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age. It doesn't last that long."

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A romantic wife sent her husband a text ;

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams

If you are laughing, send me a smile

If you are eating, send me a bite

If you are drinking, send me a sip

If you are crying, send me your tears

I love you .

The husband typically not romantic, replied;

I am on the toilet, please advise .

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The Original Story of THREE LITTLE PIGS!

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came over and they gave their drink order..

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'The chocolate cheesecake, with whipped cream, please', said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon my curiosity,' said the waiter to the third little piggy, 'But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

You're gonna LOVE me for this.... The third piggy says -

'Well, SOMEBODY has to go "Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Lydia Grace, my four year old grandaughter came over to the house and as we sat down to play one of her favorite board games she said, " Grampa, my goldfish died yesterday."
Not knowing how to console her I replied, "I'm sorry to hear about that."

"Yes, she said sadly, "I'm real sad about it."

"Well honey," I counceled her, "Sometimes fish get old and then they die and go to heaven."
"Grampa!" she said sternly, "He didn't go to heaven, he went down the toilet!!"

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
So these does come walking out of the woods, one of them walking all wobbly and knock-kneed and she says "That's the last time I do it for 4 bucks !" :clap:

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Parking lot scam !!! WARNING !!!


I was the victim of the latest scam now occurring in shopping mall parking lots.

Two good-looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One begins wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far that her breasts just about fall out of her blouse.

While you're distracted, the other one climbs in the back seat and then they both start begging you for a ride home.

Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants.

This is when they steal your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday;

I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.

You've been warned,

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Flying on Air Force 1

President Bush, First Lady Laura and **** Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Sheet, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 80 million people very happy."

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his
accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you
are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an
expensive tie."

Confused, the man went to his Minister, told him of the conflicting
advice, and asked him what he should do.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Minister. A woman, about to be
married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her
mother said, "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up
to your neck and wool socks." But when she asked her best friend, she got
conflicting advice: "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right
down to your navel."

The man protested: "But Reverend, what does all this have to do with
my problem with the IRS?"

"It doesn't matter what you wear; you're going to get screwed."
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she
agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again ?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into
bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He
touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time
before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife
on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left ! Could we... ?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not
being funny ... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Before you return from your overseas trip, I want to let you know
about a little accident I had with your pick up truck. Fortunately,
it was not too bad and I didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

In fact, about 5 seconds after it was over, I felt much better and was back to
my happy, smiling self! I didn't see any reason to notify the police or our insurance agency.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake! The
garage door is slightly bent but your pick up, fortunately, came to a
halt when it bumped into your car. Lucky for you, your motorcycle was spared.

I am really sorry, darling. But with your kind-hearted, giving,
loving personality I'm positive you will forgive me. Remember how
much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart. Enclosed is a picture of my little "accident."

Have a safe trip home. Oh yes, before I forget...

Your girlfriend called.

Your loving wife.

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
I recently got a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests,
she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am over seventy).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said..
She looked at me seriously and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Why Whites are Racists

I have often wondered about why Whites are racists, and no other race is......
Someone finally said it. How many are actually paying attention to this?
There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc.
And then there are just Americans.. You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.
You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman'... And that's OK..
You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you....
So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah.
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP.
You have BET....
If we had WET (White Entertainment Television), we'd be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives, we'd be racists.
We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that??
A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships... You know we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US .
Yet if there were 'White colleges', that would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights.
If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it.
But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
You rob us, car jack us, and shoot at us.
But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.
I am proud...... But you call me a racist.
Why is it that only whites can be racists??
There is nothing improper about this.
Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on.
I sadly don't think many will.
That's why we have LOST most of OUR RIGHTS in this country.
We won't stand up for ourselves!
It's not a crime YET.... But getting very close!