MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Union Rules & Hookers----

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.
!
We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.


"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Eddie was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds, AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE". The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

*Funeral services for Eddie have been scheduled for Saturday.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Words Women Use:

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the f--- up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Do It and DIE!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F--- YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong". For the woman's response refer to # 3.

10.) Yea, ok: This is her way of warning you not to say another word. She's pissed beyond reason and knows the next words she speaks will be deadly. Continuing to talk to her after she's uttered these words is like asking for a death sentence.

11.) Oh really?: At this point, when a woman says this, she knows you're full of ???? and wants to see how far you'll go into your world of lies. If she raises an eyebrow while saying this, she's wondering how she's going to torture you for lying in her face. Walk away, NOW.
 

Bps1691

Veteran Member
In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.


Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.


As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader . " Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

" DON'T SELL THAT COW."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
They’re all together in this.


TO KEEP IN MIND NOW AND IN NOVEMBER WHEN WE VOTE.

THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL A "STACKED DECK".

*YES, THE GOVERNOR OF MICHIGAN USED TO WORK FOR GEORGE SOROS.

* YES, CALIF GOV. GAVIN NEWSOM IS NANCY PELOSI'S NEPHEW.

* YES, ADAM SHIFF'S SISTER IS MARRIED TO GEORGE SOROS’ SON.

* YES, JOHN KERRY'S DAUGHTER IS MARRIED TO A MULLAH'S SON IN IRAN .

* YES, HILLARY'S DAUGHTER CHELSEA IS MARRIED TO GEORGE SOROS' NEPHEW.

* YES, ABC NEWS EXECUTIVE PRODUCER IAN CAMERON IS MARRIED TO SUSAN RICE, OBAMA'S FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER.

* YES, CBS PRESIDENT DAVID RHODES IS THE BROTHER OF BEN RHODES, OBAMA'S DEPUTY NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER FOR STRATEGIC COMMUNICATIONS.

* YES, ABC NEWS CORRESPONDENT CLAIRE SHIPMAN IS MARRIED TO JAY CARNEY, FORMER OBAMA WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY.

* YES, ABC NEWS AND UNIVISION REPORTER MATTHEW JAFFE IS MARRIED TO KATIE HOGAN, OBAMA'S FORMER DEPUTY PRESS SECRETARY.

* YES, ABC PRESIDENT BEN SHERWOOD IS THE BROTHER OF ELIZABETH SHERWOOD, OBAMA'S FORMER SPECIAL ADVISER.

* YES, CNN PRESIDENT VIRGINIA MOSELEY IS MARRIED TO TOM NIDES, FORMER HILLARY CLINTON'S DEPUTY SECRETARY.

THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL A "STACKED DECK".

IF YOU HAD A HUNCH THE NEWS SYSTEM WAS SOMEWHAT RIGGED AND YOU COULDN'T PUT YOUR FINGER ON IT, THIS MIGHT HELP YOU SOLVE THE PUZZLE.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive
woman he spotted dining alone.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there,

Indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not
looking at the man,

and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was
lingering for a response,

took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:

For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own returns.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to the woman.

It read:

For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z4, a Mercedes
CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million
dollars in my bank account.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three
inches off. Just send the bottle back."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately,
the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home
from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to
come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have
a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had
a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears.
I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about
his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and
touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said,
"Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect
little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor
say he can see good?"

The Mother said, "Why, yes, his doctor said he has 20/20
vision."

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause if he
needs glasses, he's f**ked!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats
.
"Well," says the social worker, "Then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier.
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop.

It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."


have a nice day,
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED...

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2020 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $11,500 each. It comes with ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner and $400.00 bar tab. Also a back stage pass to the winners locker room. He didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St Paul's Church, in Orlando at 3pm. Her name is Ashley. She's 5'4", about 115 lbs, and a good cook too. She loves to fish and hunt. She'll be the one in the white dress. Please wear a black tux to the event.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, the backward old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the "picture", but on the way home he remembered his wife never did like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed:




"So that's the ugly beotch he's bin runnin' aroun' with !! "
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh… if I move down just three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh... if that fly moves down three inches, I can eat him.”

There was a bear on the shore thinking. “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches that fish will jump for the fly… and I will grab him.”

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.

“Gosh,” he thought , “if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… the bear will expose himself and grab for the fish, I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.”

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of the lake, but I can tell you there’s more… A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop the cheese sandwich.”

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene – as it was fashionable to roam the banks of this particular lake around lunch time- and thought “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear… and that mouse makes off with that cheese sandwich… then I can have mouse for lunch.”

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of water.

The fish swallows the fly… the bear grabs the fish… the hunter shoots the bear… the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich… the cat jumps for the mouse… the mouse ducks… the cat falls into the water and drowns.


The moral of this story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pu**y is in serious danger.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Welfare

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick
up his check.

He Marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi.
You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, " Your
timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old
man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he
will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will
be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have
as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the
daughter is in her mid-20's and has a Rather strong sex drive.


A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV,
stereo, bar, etc. Located above the garage will be
designated for your sole use and the Salary is $200,000 a year."


The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,
" You're bull????tin' me!"

The social worker said,
" Yeah, well . . You started it.
 
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