MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”

The plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his
accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you
are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an
expensive tie."

Confused, the man went to his Minister, told him of the conflicting
advice, and asked him what he should do.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Minister. A woman, about to be
married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her
mother said, "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up
to your neck and wool socks." But when she asked her best friend, she got
conflicting advice: "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right
down to your navel."

The man protested: "But Reverend, what does all this have to do with
my problem with the IRS?"

"It doesn't matter what you wear; you're going to get screwed."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too - first with both hands, then an armpit - she even tried squeezin' it between her knee s, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!?!?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
last summer We had these texan ranchers come up to fishing club, All they talked about how everything is bigger in texas. He asked me if I owned any land here in quebec. I said yes I have a fifty acre lot with my house on it. He laughed at me and said" boy where I live I can get in my truck and drive all day and not see the other side of my property" I replied " so I have a truck just like that"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
"Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for
you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help
you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face,
Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the
priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything
to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do
you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous
instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives at this hectic time of year.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find
Inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
Bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my
old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a
box of Russell Stovers Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Three loggers

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of
Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the
Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the
woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales"
hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling
frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a
10-foot grizzly. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican
loggers came racing up.

One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two
reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's
grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and
two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly
placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there
was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental
activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was
that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he
sure doesn't know anything about grizzly bear hunting! By the way, is the
bait holding up or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another
one?"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
One day, two blonde girls were working for the City Public Works Department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest.



An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole only to have your co-worker follow behind and fill it up again?"



The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A man was crossing a rosd one day when a frog called out to him and said, "if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over , picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING that you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "what is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I will stay with you for a year and do any thing that you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING FROG IS COOL."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Lies our mothers told us

My mom told me that if I stuck out my tongue my face could freeze that way, and if I used bad words God could strike me dead. The following are some from the article at the link.

“I asked my mom about little bumps I would get on my tongue. She told me they were liars bumps.”

“If I ate the crusts of my bread, my hair would get curly (I wanted curly hair)!”

“If you sprinkle salt on a bird’s tail, it will sit still and you can catch it.”

“Not to play in rain puddles. Will get polio.”

“My mother told me if I bit my nails, a hand would grow in my stomach.”

“If you looked at the microwave while it was in use, you’d go blind.”

“If you sat on the cement, you would catch a cold.”

“She said that the dust under my bed (if not kept clean) would turn into a man. And I thought about that every night before turning off the light.”

“If I swallowed orange seeds, trees would grow out of my ears.”

“My pet chickens and rabbits had gone ‘to the farm’ when in fact my former farmer Dad had turned them into dinner.”

“Playing with my belly button would make my butt fall off."

“She told me that the grease spots in the street in front of our house were stains that were left from children being hit by cars who had ventured out into the street.”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
How Government bidding REALLY works.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Tallahassee, another is from Knoxville and the third is from Minneapolis .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minneapolis contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9000: $4000 for materials, $4000 for my crew and $1000 profit for me."

The Knoxville contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7000: $3000 for materials, $3000 for my crew and $1000 profit for me."

The Tallahassee contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Tallassee contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies Jared.

And that, my friends, is how the stimulus plan works.........
 
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