Story Moon Base Ozark

[jazzy]

Moon Base Oz to Planet Cotopaxi and Planet Earth...can you hear me now? Good.

Preparations are finally complete, our spaceships have been retrofitted with new flux capacitors made in the good old USA and our team is tanned, rested and ready.



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(Captain Al stands atop a 1963 VW Beetle with a megaphone to address and inspire the troops).



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Good Morning. In less than 12 hours spacecraft from Moon Base Oz will be launching towards Planet Mongo to take down Wuhan the Merciless, a battle that will be remembered for all mankind.

Mankind. That word should have new meaning for all of us today. It’s fate that today is May the 8th and we will once again be fighting for our freedom from tyranny, oppression, false quarantines, BS lockdowns and from our eventual Main Stream Media goal of conservative annihilation.

President Trump only wanted to Make America Great Again.
And now 3 years in he wants to Keep America Great again. How unprogressive.

We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist and should we win it will be the ultimate rejection of the Democratic Progressive coup that has been trying to take out President Donald J. Trump for the last 3 years.

We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight. We’re going to live on and we’re going to survive. Today we celebrate
The beginning of the end of Wuhan the Merciless and his plague of Covid-1984 upon the universe.


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See you soon Wuhan the Terminated IYKWIMAITYD.

Captain Al...over...and...out.

 

[jazzy]

Oz Force 2 to Cotopaxi, over...static, hiss...(busy signal).
Oz Force 2 to Cotopaxi, over...(the number you have dialed is no longer in service).
Oz Force 2 to Cotopaxi Penal Colony...can you hear me now?

Um, Uh, yeah (yawn) Cotopaxi here, over. What did you just call us?

Congratulations Cotopaxi Penal Colony you’ve been designated by the US Space Force as the interstellar GITMO with Warden Karen in charge (she always wanted another promotion so here ya go). You already House the putrid Alien Dave and Space Force has been impressed with the way you have handled that gaseous hot dog eating gold plated freak. Congratulations Warden Karen.

Warden Karen: Uh, gee whiz, thanks, I guess.

No problem. Anyhoo, just wanted to call and update you on our current status of Operation “Flu Manchu”. We launched on time from Moon Base Oz and once we hit 88 miles per hour boy howdy did the 1.21 gigawatts of thrust from our flux capacitors kick our butts and we were on our way to Space Station Goatmeal and then on to Planet Mongo.



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Doc Brown was our launch Director and Marty McFly filmed our historic liftoff for posterity.



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The clock has started and we are underway! Go baby, Go!

Crew status report:

Aboard Oz Force One Pilot in Command (PIC) Gary reports that he is as steely eyed as ever but is somewhat queasy due to weightlessness. He reported that he felt better after a couple of brandys, a bowl of Bearmush and a Nutty Buddy. He also relayed that Flash Gordon is down in the Lower Equipment Bay (LEB) writing yet another love letter to Dale Arden (just marry her dude) and frantically emailing Dr. Zharkov for a refill of Viagra as he used his last 30 day supply up in 3 days. Old Flash must be planning a heckuva party when he returns from “Operation Flu Manchu.”

Here onboard Oz Force 2 the crew status is we are Happy, thrilled and proud to finally get the chance to bang a gong and get it on. I, Captain Al have finished my evening meal of banana pellets and Gruel of Wheat and boy oh boy was that good (burp). Batman is hanging upside down in the Upper Equipment Bay (UEB) doing god knows what with his utility belt behind his cape. Agent J is down in the galley recharging his flashy thingy and enjoying a piece of pie. Crew status report complete. Over...

Warden Karen here from Cotopaxi Penal Colony...glad that everything is hunky Dory onboard but we have a BIG PROBLEM! Seems Wuhan the Merciless has anticipated your attack and has flooded Space Station Goatmeal with confederate flag carrying Nazi Murder Hornets!



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Calm down Warden. I’m called Captain Al for a reason. A good Captain always has an alternate plan and we will execute plan B and proceed to Space Station Bongino where we will join forces to take out Wuhan the Intolerable.

Flight day 2 crew status report will be sent as soon as Flash finishes his love letter to Dale (which may take all night) his email to Dr. Zharkov, Batman to hang upright for the first time and when Agent J finishes his pie

Captain Al, over and out. Good night and good luck.

 

[jazzy]

Captain Al here transmitting on secure channels to Penal Colony Cotopaxi and Planet Earth with an update...

Mission Status Update (what Captain Kirk pretentiously calls his “Captains Log”...geez Shatner could you possibly have been more self absorbed when describing your Log?)

Oz Force 1 and 2 have successfully docked at Space Station Bongino and have joined our forces to secure victory over Wuhan the Merciless. However, it being Mothers Day we will stand down for one more day in honor of Mother Wuhan.

I’m sure she saw some good in Wuhan the Toddler during his early years despite later being sent home from Mongo Elementary for tearing the wings off Saturnian Bats, being sent home from Mongo High School for never turning in his “Why I love Earthlings” exam and being expelled from Mongo State Universal University for building a death ray to destroy puny Earthlings during study hall in the campus library.

Crew Status is Green. And I mean green. Seems PIC Gary and weightlessness don’t get along. Nothing a little bowl of Bearmush and Brandy can’t cure.


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Well, It’s Saturday night aboard Space Station Bongino which means it’s movie night! Pass the popcorn! What’s on Pluto channel DC9...



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Giant Ants...say hello to my little friend...giant D-con and giant flamethrowers. Nah.

Ok, let’s check this flick out.


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I don’t even know where to begin with this one so I won’t. I’ll just retire to my room and hope Batman isn’t hanging upside down from my ceiling fan.

Captain Al, over and out.

 

[jazzy]

Captain Al here, hope all you Earthlings and you denigrate slime mold covered multi tentacled extraterrestrials had a happy Mother’s Day as well.

We all love our mothers. Even mother Scabies with Rabies and Coronavirus 1984 from New Jersey needs a hug on Mother’s Day from her little ones...no matter how ugly or radioactive they are. (Ugh)



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Here aboard Space Station Bongino, we are all just kicking back and relaxing in anticipation of our W-Day invasion and victory tomorrow. Wuhan the obnoxious is a formidable foe and is not to taken lightly.

“Gee willakers Wally, Murder Wasps were just discovered last week and that rapscallion SOB ordered a box of them from Amazon 3 day delivery to take out Space Station Goatmeal! Is there anything this low life, egg sucking dog and Intergalactic Snidely Whiplash wont stoop to? I think not.”

That is why we are prepared for all scenarios and eventualities. We will win, he will lose. End of story. Period.

Batman: “Unless of course Wuhan the imbecile gets the keys to the Delorian then we’re all screwed. Marty has the keys in his jeans pocket...uh...his coat pocket...uh...GREAT SCOTT! Wuhan has the keys to the Delorian!

Captain Al: Get a grip Batman, I know you miss Robin like a proton misses a neutron. But no worries caped crusader, We have the one and only Delorian powered by Mr. Fusion safely parked in docking bay 007 on Oz Force 2.

Back to kicking back aboard Space Station Bongino for the night. No movie night tonight it’ poker night.”I’ll” take two cards, another vodka and cranberry and a Cuban cigar...while we we hear woof woof woof and woo woo woo!


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I got two pair...a pair of Aces and another pair of aces. Do I win?

Captain Al who is a good boy, over and out.

See ya tomorrow Wuhan.

 

[jazzy]

Captain Al here with the latest update and it ain’t pretty by a long shot, boy howdy dontchaknow.

The news today is grim. Unfortunately today the US Space Force has ordered us to stand down for the time being. It appears Wuhan the Betelgeuseian Bitch of Beezlebubs Bathhouses is trying to cut a deal to save his Merciless ass.

This new development is as nauseating as being in a New York cab during rush hour on the 4th of July with Alien Dave after he won the Coney Island hot dog with sauerkraut and baked beans eating contest.

This is Wuhans latest email from wuhanwontkillyounowbutwillkill youlater.com.

“Greetings Earthlings it is I Wuhan the Intergalactic Alien with a death ray of, well how you say it in polite company, death ray of death pointed directly at you. But I’m willing to negotiate to not exterminate you puny humans not just yet.

Having seen the error of my ways, I have evolved from a Mongo Merciless Tyrant Ruler into a undocumented illegal alien (see what I did there) seeking asylum on planet earth with all its Libtard and Progressive promises of free money, free housing, free college, free food and free healthcare (but without any of the actual freedoms...but with me being a Merciless dictator I can live with that).

Amazing and Shazam Earthlings, I’m impressed at what you’ve accomplished over the last 6 weeks.Destroying the best economy in over 50 years, Putting your entire citizens under indefinite lockdown and house arrest, and then get them to compliantly obey that 6 foot social distancing bullshit? Brilliant! How in the heck did you Earthlings pull that one off? If I tried that kind of shit on the citizenry of Planet Mongo I would have been tarred and feathered in a Mussolinian microsecond and hung by my heels at the nearest Italian gas station.

Bravo Earthlings! You’re my kind of planet with that kind of control over your serfs and peons. It brings a sulphuric tear to my eye so I wrote a little ditty...

Wuhan:
Green Earth is the place for me,
Earth domination is the life for me,
Land spreadin' out so far and wide
Keep Alpha Centauri , just let me rule your country’s world wide.
Mrs. Wuhan:
Planet Mongo is where I'd rather stay.
I’ll get allergic smelling humans every day.
I just adore a celestial view.
Dah-ling WuhanI love you but let’s not now start anew.
...The nuclear power plant cores!
...The interstellar Pelosian Boars!
...No more Alien Dave hot dog eating odors but but Fresh air.
...Who cares!
You are my tentacled wife.
Good bye, Mongo life.
Green Earthlings Wuhans are here!

Woo Hoo for the Fu Manchu Wu Man! Sanctuary Planet, Baby...show me the money and sign me up for the free shit army!

Love Wuhan the Undocumented Alien and your new neighbor (and eventual overlord but we won’t talk about that just now).



Captain Al...there you have it. Disturbing, Disgusting and Downright Depressing.

Here on Space Station Bongino we still remain ready to deliver King Rathgors hammer and rain down Venusian lighting bolts of justice upon Wuhan even though we were ordered to stand down today. Orders are orders but we ain’t a happy bunch.

Batman is so pissed off threw his utility belt and Batarang into the corner of his Bat Room and he’s refusing to hang upside down from his ceiling fan tonight. Agent J stopped recharging his flashy thingy and sent his pie back to the mess hall. I lost my appetite for banana pellets but I’m in my cage watching reruns of the outer limits, the twilight zone and Johnny Quest to keep me pissed off and my alien defeating skills sharp as a tack.

Steely eyed PIC Gary is no longer green at the gills after he had his Bearmush thank goodness and Flash Gordon is spending his downtime writing yet another love letter to Dale Arden. Dude...another love letter?...even Dr. Zharkov thinks you have a boiled bunny problem. Perhaps maybe the high school girls at Gordon High called you Flash for a reason?

Anyhoo that’s the update and roundup aboard Space Station Bongino tonight. This ain’t over yet, not by a long shot. No deals Wuhan. We’re coming for you...at a time of our choosing.

Captain Al out. For now...and to all a good night. zZZZZZZ


...Break...break...static...static...more breaks...more static...even more breaks and even more static...Fish Faced Admiral Akbar here. Attention...attention People of Earth...you are in extreme danger...don’t fall for Wuhans latest intergalactic bullshit.



...Break...break...static...static...more breaks...more static...even more breaks and even more static...Fish Faced Admiral Akbar here. Attention...attention People of Earth...you are in extreme danger...don’t fall for Wuhans latest intergalactic bullshit.

He’s not seeking asylum, he’s just published a cookbook titled “To Serve Man” and he intends to make you Earthlings the main course!

Wake up Captain Al! there’s no time to lose!




ZZZZZZZZ...uh banana pellets..nom nom nom zzzzzzz.

To be continued...

 

[jazzy]

Earth to Space Station Bongino...listen up your interstellar dog faced pony soldiers...this is important...static...hiss...

This just in ...here is a bulletin from CBS news...apparently talks between the US Space Force and Wuhan the Merciless have broken down. Wuhan’s sneaky attempt at asylum in order to take over and rule planet earth has been revealed and rejected much like patriot voters rejected Hillary! The Hag from Chappaqua in 2016.

Boo Hoo For You Wu. (Hat tip to MTV and Scandal...google it, it’ll make sense).

My reliable sources from within the FBI, CIA, NSA, NFL, MLB, NBA, NASA, HERTZ, NAACP, FIVE GUYS, WKRP and TACO BELL all confirm that an attack from this death ray carrying lunatic Moron from Mongo may be imminent as he is extremely pissed off his application for illegal alien status was denied. Less Nessman reporting...I report, you decide and I swear I thought those turkeys could fly. Walter, back to you.

Well folks, we knew this was a possibility ever since Wuhan the Merciless had a glint in his eye of overtaking planet Earth. Thankfully some of our top men are orbiting Planet Mongo as we speak and are ready to deliver Truth, Justice and a big old dose of the American Way (USA...USA...USA!) with a wheelbarrow full of Southern Fried Whoopass and a side order of comegetyousome at a moments notice to this Duplicitous Demented Dictator from Mongo.

And that’s the way it is. This is Zombie Walter Cronkite, good night.

Captain Al: Copy your message Planet Earth. Read you loud and clear and five by five. Oz Force 1 and Oz Force 2 are Ready to Rumble. Wuhan is toast and we are the toasters. Let’s roll on this vile viral Wuhan the Merciless Master of Menacing Microbes once and for all and get back to our normal lives.

Let’s check in with the rest of the team and see how they feel...

Penal Colony Cotopaxi: Ready and Willing!
SPACE FORCE GITMO:Ready, Willing and Able!
Doc Brown: GREAT SCOTT!
(Where did he come from?)
Biff: okay buttheads, let’s all make a tree and get out of here. Hello, McFly...
Marty Mc Fly: Did you just call me chicken?

Captain Al: okay, all you Back to the Future folks. This is neither the place or time for a reunion. Get back in the Delorean and set it for 1957 and the Enchant Under the Sea dance or 1985, your call. Just go away. We’ve got work to do. (Bang, Bang, Bang...flaming tire tracks).

Flash Gordon: “Dear Dale...”
Batman: Dear Dale...”
Oh Shit! Houston, we may have a problem....

(Sounds of incoming transporter) weeeeeeeeeeee
Captain Kirk: You...need...me...to ...help....take....out...Wuhan. I...am...essential...to...this...mission!

Wait just a gosh-darned Seti Alpha Five minute.. what googly eyed idiot invited Captain Kirk to the party?



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It wasn’t me...it wasn’t me...it wasn’t me...besides we all think he is a no talent a hole and always has been. Clint out...

Kirk, Turn in your plastic agonizer gun and go back to your five year make believe mission to go where no man has gone before...yeah right like the parking lot of Universal Studios.


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Go home Kirk. Your career is over, you’re not really a starship Captain or an LA police officer chasing down Hookers and you are drunk. Go home.


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Captain Allllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!

(Sound out outgoing transporter...weeeeeeeeeeee

Well troops, now that we cleaned house We’ve got work to do...Operation Wuhan is a GO! No Deals.

Have a nice day Wuhan It just might be your last...Love Earthlings everywhere. See ya soon!

 

[jazzy]

Oz Forces 1 and 2 have joined forces and are on the way to Wuhan the Merciless secret Lair in our 1965 stealth spaceship borrowed from the Space Family Robinsons.

Quick update and off topic, Batman and Flash Gordon seemed to have worked out their “misunderstanding” of their dual Dear Dale letters. Flash was writing another love letter to Dale Arden while Batman was writing to Dale Earnhardt Jr. to see if he wanted to use the Batmobile as the pace car in the next Daytona 500. Houston, we no longer have a problem.



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But this Black Hole of an A hole definitely has a problem. A Big Intergalactic Problem.

Okay Wuhan...You Unleash your voodoo Wuhan virus against us Earthlings. You then Bombard Planet Earth your mind control rays of compliance with face masks and social distancing bullshit.

And for last dastardly act you Vulcan mind melded with Wal Mart Management to put stickers on the floor directing one way traffic down aisles in the store. A bridge too far Wuhan and the proverbial final straw. You mess with Wal Mart shoppers and you’re messing with the good old boys and gals of the USA. And there is a price to pay.and you ain’t gonna like it.

You mess with the bull, you get the horns.



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[jazzy]

Captain Al here...tonight’s update will be brief ...how do you say in Klingon...uh brief.

Uh, Joint Task Force Goodbye to Wu is going to run a triple feature for your viewing pleasure until we can update all you all on the latest developments.

Up first...


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Well we’re out here on the outskirts of the solar system to make sure that never happens. And ultimatums R Us is what we are all about. Oz Force “Oorah”!

Flicker show #2


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Gee whiz Wally, it’s almost Kinda like Planet Mongo is trying to destroy Planet Earth and President Trump and the US Space Force is fighting back. Kind of timely dontchathink Eddie? (RIP)

And finally we let Flash Gordon decide which movie to wrap up Flight Day 8 movie night...Batman wanted films with Batman Adam West, Batman Michael Keaton, Batman Val Kilmer, Batman George Clooney, Batman Christian Bale and to no ones surprise Flash chose...Batman isn’t ain’t happening homie.

He chose,



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Amazing Strange world adventures indeed. See that tiny pic of Wuhan the Merciless in the upper right hand corner? Just might be the last one you’ll ever see of this decrepit Sea Serpent of Saturnian Slime...or maybe not.

So anyhoo me and the task force are going to out for a while to the Neon Nebula cafe and social distancing fanatics based on a 14 year old science project can kiss our ass. We’re going to get some Plutonian Pizza with extra pepperoni, artificial intelligence chicken fingers with artificial intelligence hot sauce and wash it all down with good old American Missouri Moonshine. Who Hoo to Wu!

Before we go out on the town (intergalactic burp) can someone please pull the circuit breaker to the transporter so Kirk can’t darken our doorstep again. ( interstellar fart)... excuse meeeeeeee. And while you’re at it make sure the Back to the Future folks are indeed going back to the future. (Earthly belch). Ah, I feel much more better, batter or bitter.

Holy Smoley I gotta stay away from Missouri Moonshine. It makes Venusian Mountain Dew taste like tap water.

Captain Al out...Dreams of Banana pellets...here I come...zzzzz...snore... snore...belch

 

[jazzy]

happy birthday to Capt Al. a retired commercial pilot and space enthusiast bored out of his skull in quarantine writing to amuse himself. made it one more time aorund the ball, congrats Capt Al. now put the cake and beer down and get back to work we need more chapters.

 

[jazzy]

Captain Al here...

Greetings to all on Planet Earth, Moon Base Oz and Penal Colony Cotopaxi which you just might want to turn off your neon “No Vacancy” sign...ifyouknowwhatimsayin...wink wink, nod nod Commander Karen.

Tonight’s secure and secret communications are by brought to us by 3 new and great IT guys from China who just flew into San Francisco to help our takedown of Wu. Let’s give it up for We Too Low, Bang Ding Ow and Sum Ting Wong. Let’s have a nice round of interstellar applause!

(wow, does that applause make my monkey head hurt just like a Jupertarian Crunch Beetle enterered my left ear canal and is munching on my brain stem ...what’s that old saying? Starve a cold and feed a hangover...pops 2 aspirin, 4 banana pellets, 3 Pillsbury space food sticks, 18 Slim Jim’s and a “Tang breakfast of astronauts” chaser).

(Whew, that was some party last night...no more Missouri Moonshine for this Snockered Simian. Once I slipped on that banana peel and passed out I dreamed that I was at a casting call for a Tarzan movie auditioning against Cheetah and Cheetah was like a methed up Murder Hornet and beat my ass seven ways to Sunday and halfway into next week to get the part.

The next thing I hear is something along the lines of “Ungowa...Cheeta come here...beat up monkey...you go now...better luck at the Lost in Space auditions...they don’t require any talent...go down three blocks past the tattoo parlor take a left at the pawn shop , swing three vines past the whorehouse on James T. Kirk Avenue. They might hire you...they desperate.. .Tarzan not desperate. Oooohooooohooohoooh!



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So apparently In my celestial stupor I followed Tarzans directions and was hired on the spot for Lost in Space! My first day on the job glamour shot was taken (I’m not all up with the horny ears but Penny thought it made me look cute so what the hell. Then suddenly the Missouri Moonshine hallucinations wore off and I awoke back to the Red Giant of Reality).

Uh, okay, sorry to digress. Just had to get my nightmare off my well developed and hairy chest...(hey there Penny, I’ll ungowa, ungowa, ungowa with you anytime!)

Okay, sorry again. Back on Topic.

Our mission “Goodbye to Wu” was approved by Commissioner Scandal and has been given a go and final preparations are underway to take down this Scurrilous Svengooli Scum of the Solar System.



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In one of the very few declassified top secret training photos Here Batman and Agent J are shown during final mission preparations practicing scaling the Wuhan Fortress Wall of Certain Death with ease. ( note how we used top secret makeup and artificial Intelligence to disguise Agent J as Robin the Boy wonder). Even Robins mother Mrs. Mother Wonder couldn’t tell the difference. Agent J has a highly critical role in neutralizing Wuhan the Jackass of Juno. Just keep looking right here...you’ll see.

We are tanned, rested and while we are extremely hungover we are mere hours (or in Mongo time 666 dangling participles of parsecs) away from victory over Wuhan the Wicked Witch of the Whirlpool Galaxy.


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Boom, Boom, Boom and Soon, Wuhan. Bang, Bang, Bang.

The storm that will be unleashed upon you will be like a incurable case of Sagittarian Syphilis on prom night at Mongo High School and then for you it’s schools out for the summer and your right to fight to party will be Terminated. And you won’t be back.

Can you hear us now Wuhan?

(Pops in 8 track tape, turns volume up to 11 and hits play... ...”Precious and few are the moments we can share...and if I can’t find my way back home”...Shit wrong tape, pops tape out, pops next tape in, hits play “Rocky Mountain High Colorado...” Dammit, pops tape out, pops new tape in and hits pay AGAIN!..”It’s The Final Countdown!”). Groovy. Like a summers afternoon.

My work is done here for the night. Captain Al (burp) out.

(takes 4 banana pellets, 1 Midol, 2 Pepto Bismol, 3 Alka Seltzer’s, a shot of Baileys and Andorian Cream, and Zima with a twist of Lunar Lime to help cure the hangover from hell...curse you Missouri Moonshine!)

 

[jazzy]

From : US Space Force Press Release
Subject: Operation Goodbye to Wu update
Date: Sunday, May 24, 2020

For Immediate Release

We have received word via our secure cosmic GI Joe with Kung Flu Grip walkie-talkies communications set up that Joint Force Oz 1 and 2 are experiencing technical difficulties with both the flux capacitor and the transporter during final mission preparations. Both are essential to insure mission success. Please stand by...


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Unfortunately, while we were standing by Our lawyers at Dewey, Cheatem and Howe have advised us at this time that is about all we can publicly reveal. (Privately just between us and don’t tell anybody else we heard “Holy shit on a shingle Batman...don’t Press that red button!!!!).

We’ll expect another update on Tuesday.

However, Captain Al did send us a Intergalactic fax via Office Depot (geeze Louise $2 a page! )and asked us to include a short message from him and his team:

“We wish all Earthlings scattered all across the solar system a great and safe Memorial Day. Remember all who gave the last full measure to protect our freedoms as Americans.



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Also, remember the current political tyrants who have spent the last 6 weeks lying, shutting down businesses, destroying families and eroding our freedoms. All in the attempt to destroy the best economy in 50 years thanks to President Donald J Trump and deny him a second 4 year term.

(Sorry socialist democratic progs I got bad news...Doc Brown just checked in from the future and said, “Great Scott Captain Al...they are still crying and screaming at the sky 8 years into President Trumps term. It’s almost as if they wouldn’t know reality if it bit them on their fat transgendered man bun wearing asses.”

They think of us citizens as nothing more than compliant sheep and serfs to the government who should shut up, obey their insane executive orders and just pay our taxes on time. (We’re looking at you governors of California, New York, New Jersey, Michigan, Illinois, etc.)

We have had enough. We are Americans. Not Socialists, Not Progressives, Not Communists... and not sheep. We Are Americans!


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Monday, Remember and honor those who sacrificed everything to protect our freedoms. Remember also those who are actively taking those freedoms away on a daily basis.

We can either be a herd of sheep like they want us to be or we can be a band of patriots that love our country, determined to protect and preserve our freedoms just like those that we will honor tomorrow did. It’s up to us.

Remember and Honor on Memorial Day.

Captain Al...out”

###End of Press Release###

 

[jazzy]

US Space Force
Top Secret: Just between us

..this just in...an intercepted transmission from Planet Mongo. It may be loaded with code words disguised in a popular #1 hit.

Flash Gordon has translated the Mongo gibberish into English.o

“Okay fellow Mongo freakazoids, Cosmic Casey the DJ mixmaster

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here at radio free Mongo and here’s the number one hit you’ve all Been asking for...So Sit back, relax in your Venusian sulphuric acid filled hot tubs and munch on a bowl of hot and spicy bat wings as we play this number one hit from some Earthlings from the past known as the Buckinghams (sung to “Susan”)...

Here is the latest interstellar superhit ...

“Wuhan”!

(Vigorous and loud applause)
(Screaming...more screaming)
(Mongo Junior High School girls fainting after extended screaming)



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Wuhan, looks like you are losing.
You’re losing your damn mind.
You’re wasting our damn time.

Wuhan, why do you have to be so Confucian,
I ask myself Why
your going good bye.

No other Wu could ever take the place of you.
Though you're Zapping Earth
You know We’ll always
Be thinking of you
Oh Wuhan, We loathe you.

Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap
We loathe you yes we do, old Wu
We loathe you yes we do we do

Oh Wuhan we loathe you,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Wuhan we loathe you.”

This is Cosmic Casey..Hey You all out there stick around and



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don’t touch that dial!...we’re going to play “Wuhan” again and again right after we take this call.

Hello Gork from ...holy smokes! Gork is calling from within Wuhans Palace of Retribution! WOW, what a coincidence! Go ahead Gork, you’re on the air...

Yeah Cosmic Casey this Uh is Gork, yeah that’s the ticket. I just want to say what a catchy little tune “Wuhan” is...I kept tapping my cloven hooves throughout the entire song. Can you tell me where these puny Earthlings called The Buckinghams are appearing next so I can redirect my Dick Clark Atomizer Ray of Death to them and your cute little radio station...uh, um excuse me I mean send you and them a fan letter?

Wait just a cotton picking cesium atom splitting minute...Well Gork, if that’s your real name and I don’t think it is. I think my Cosmic Casey Spidey sense is kicking in and I think your real name, oh I don’t know let me go out in left field and around the corner, just maybe rhymes with “Susan”. Amiright and can I get an amen Wuhan?

Curses, foiled again! It really doesn’t matter DJ mixmaster, aged Buckinghams and puny humans, Vengeance will be MINE! (Click).

### end of top secret transmission intercept ###

Captain Al here...yeah we heard the whole thing in real time. No codes used at all just a silly little hate song...you know what I mean? They loathe him yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I’ve got one other thing to say...we loathe you too Wuhan and ultimate vengeance will NOT be yours but it WILL be ours! ‘Merica Boy howdy...USA, USA, USA!

Captain Al out.

P.S. Flux Capacitor is fixed and is GO. Senior Mechanic Scott T. Is still working on our transporter. NO GO.

 

[jazzy]

Captain Al here...our long interstellar nightmare is finally over. Wuhan is in custody. Mission accomplished.

Flash Gordon captured Wuhan aka known as the Monarch of Mercury, the Vicar of Venus, the Earl of Earthlings, the Masochist of Mars, the Snake of Saturn, the Jailer of Jupiter, the Unique Uptwinkles of Uranus and then here I am again Pluto. Love me, live with me and get a very yourself.



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Batman was outstanding. BIFF BOOM BAM! Wuhans guards were taking a knee and begging for mercy.



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And then I donned my Bulliet head suit as backup but it wasn’t needed.



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It’s over. Since Scott T. Can’t fix the damned transporter (even after we gave the Scottish bastard extra shots of Romulian Ale) we are currently enroute to Penal Colony Cotopaxi to deliver the Rouge Retard of Mongo Royalty to his new airlock residence with Commander Karen as his new landlord.

An after action report will be filed shortly. Captain Al...out.

 

[jazzy]

From: Captain Al
To: US Space Force
Subject: Goodbye to Wu After Action Report Part 2

Top Secret: Sensitive Interstellar Intelligence: Share with No one under penalty of well penalizes.

Greetings again Earthlings from aboard Oz Force One. We continue towards planet Cotopaxi with Wuhan the Prisoner shackled and chained even though Captain Karen has obviously lost her ever loving friggin mind.
I
Stand by...we’re receiving an AM radio signal...from Planet Mongo...static...static...

This is Cosmic Casey with a long distance dedication from Wuhan the Merciless to his dear old Dad...

My alien daddy left home when I was three
And he didn't leave much to Alien ma and me
Just this old guitar and an empty bottle of Romulan Ale.
Now, I don't blame him cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that he ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me “Wu”.

Well, he must o' thought that is quite a joke
And it got a lot of laughs from a' lots of alien folk,
It seems I had to fight my whole life through.
Some three breasted gal would giggle and I'd get red
And some guy'd laugh and I'd bust his antenna filled head,
I tell ya, life ain't easy for a boy named "Wu”.

Well, I grew up quick and I grew up green and mean,
My Hulk fist got hard and my wits got keen,
I'd roam from town to town to hide my shame.
But I made a vow to the moon and stars
That I'd search the interstellar honky-tonks and bars
And kill that alien Dad who gave me that awful name.

Well, it was Gatlinburg in mid-July
And I just hit town and my throat was dry,
I thought I'd stop and have myself a Martian brew.
At an old saloon on a street of Jupertian mud,
There at a table, dealing stud,
Sat the dirty, mangy Alien dog faced pony soldier that named me "Wu”.

Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad
From a worn-out picture that my alien mother'd had,
And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil three eyes.
He was big and bent and gray and old,
And I looked at him and my green blood ran cold
And I said, "My name is 'Whu”! How do you do!
Now you're gonna die!"

Well, I hit him hard right between his three eyes
And he went down, but to my surprise,
He come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my pointed ear.
But I busted a chair right across his three rows of teeth
And we crashed through the wall and into the street
Kicking and a' gouging in the mud and the blood and the beer.

I tell ya, I've fought tougher men
But I really can't remember when,
He kicked like a Mercurian mule and he bit like a Saturnian crocodile.
I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss,
He went for his raygun and I pulled mine first,
He stood there lookin' at me and I saw him smile.

And he said, "Son, this soar system is rough
And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
And I knew I wouldn't be there to help ya along.
So I give ya that name and I said goodbye ya little freak
I knew you'd have to get tough or die
And it's the name that helped to make you strong."

He said, "Now you just fought one hell of a fight
And I know you hate me, and you got the right
To kill my alien ass now, and I wouldn't blame you if you do.
But ya ought to thank me, before I die,
For the gravel in ya guts and the spit in ya eye
Cause I'm the son of a bitch that named you 'Wu”,

I got all choked up and I threw down my raygun
And I called him my alien pa, and he called me his alien son,
And I came away with a different point of view.
And I think about him, now and then,
Every time I try and every time I win,
And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him
Bill or George! Anything but Wu!

Captain Al , turning off the AM radio signal from planet Mong. Too much drama for one night. Geez. Give a brother a break.

 

[jazzy]

From: Captain Al
To: US Space Force
Classification: WTF
Subject: Goodbye to Wu, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Greetings fellow earthlings, it seems that we find ourselves in somewhat of a Intergalactic pickle.

Penal Colony Cotopaxi has been overrun by the ruthless hot dog eating Alien Dave. Captain Karen is certainly under his gold plated mind control. Meal Team Six have been authorized to perform a rescue mission to free Captain Karen and bring her home to Moon Base Oz.



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Uh, meal team six Moon Base Oz has unlimited free donuts so...we really want Captain Karen back.

Planet Earth certainly doesn’t want him. Wuhan the Scourge of Sirius and the Vicar of Venusian VD would only become a Democrat and probably replace Joe Biden.

Mongo? They are celebrating in the streets that Wuhan is gone.



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What to do?

I Captain Al have decided to take one for the team and I will deal with Wuhan. Agent “J” front and center...

Enter Agent “J”

Hey there Wuhan the magnificent, Wuhan the the Destroyer, Wuhan the you’re sorry ass is about to have your mind erased...look right here.



Thank you.

You are no longer Wuhan the Merciless. You are James T. Kirk the senior sanitation engineer on Moon Base Oz and your password is “Ialwayshatedspock123”.

You hate Hillary Clinton (who doesn’t) and are going to vote for President Trump. You’re going to watch Batman reruns on your days off and you are the President of the Flash Gordon Fan Club.

Problems solved.

Captain Al, over and out. And to all a good night!

 

[jazzy]

To:US Space Force
From: Captain Al
Classification: Who gives a damn anymore and nobody gives a shit about this blog.


Captain Al here. Situation Dire. Need more banana pellets and for once in my life while I’m out here trying to save the galaxy couldo I get some real friggin bananas?

Sit Rep: Apparently Captain Karen’s gone totally rouge like a vulture on a Missouri route 5 armadillo road kill on Cotopaxi. Alien Dave has broken out of his airlock and turned Captain Karen to the dark side bribing her with Milano cookies.

Penal Colony Cotopaxi is no longer an option. The shit has truly hit the fan.



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We retain Wuhan the Merciless aboard Oz Force One. Since Penal Colony Cotopaxi is no longer an option we eagerly await your instructions. By the way, Wuhan is a pain in our Earthlings ass.



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We
Zzzzzzzzzzz static ...Bat Boy...hear you loud and clear... rescue is imminent. Stay Strong Wuhan...Batboy out. Static....and more static

Seriously? Batboy vs Flash...Come at me bro...I guarantee you’ll lose and I’ll win.


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I
If anybody cares,(and I think you do) I’m still here for you . love you Flash.

Stay tuned.

 

[jazzy]

Greetings puny Humans and especially you punier (is that even a word?) Americans. Enjoy your Independence Day because if I have anything to do with it it, it will be your last. Bwahahahaha!

Earthlings this is my doomsday message to you...listen very closely...



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We don’t need no stinking badges...

Oh sorry, I hit the wrong button on Wuhan the Merciless Remote Control. My Bad.

Ahem, back to me destroying you puny Earthlings.

I had Amazon.com deliver my Calvin and Hobbes Transmogifier (cardboard box) and transported myself off the hellship Captain Al was running. He denied me my usual hearty Breakfast of Vulcan Vulture Egg omelette with a side order of three eyed Venusian bacon and Plutonium coffee with a strychnine chaser.

Cruel and unusual punishment, indeed.

So I transmogrified off his hellship and I am back in the game as Wuhan the Merciless destroyer of worlds.



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Happy Fourth of July you puny Americans. It just may be your last. I’m coming for all you rabbit eared dog faced fish eyed pony soldiers.

Love , Wuhan the Merciless