Kim Adams
Foster/adoptive mother
Updated Apr 14
What is the most disturbing thing your adopted/fostered child did or said that made you worry about their earlier circumstances before coming to live with you?
I was our foster daughter's camp counselor at foster camp for three summers, beginning when she was 7. She was the sweetest little one but I knew from her paperwork she had anger issues. She and I bonded immediately. Getting to know her and hearing her story was heartbreaking. She was born with drugs in her system and was put into foster care at birth. She had been in 11 placements by the time she was 11 years old. The foster homes she was placed with were abusive. When she was placed back with her bio parents for a time, she endured more abuse. She was separated from her brother whom she loves dearly.
Through the camp, I became her mentor. Her caseworker and attorney called me, asking if my husband and I would consider doing respite care for her. Little did I know, she was in a horribly abusive home and they needed a back up person, just in case she ended up being removed.
Sure enough, I got a call on December 4, 2019 asking for emergency respite care for her foster parents gave her up. I immediately agreed and after two weeks, we decided to become her new foster parents.
So, back to the question. The earlier circumstances that freaked us out came in her file and psych evaluation. She was in a group home at one time because one foster mother couldn't deal with her. She was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, PTSD, and ADHD. She had a history of specifically targeting her female caregivers by biting, hitting, scratching, cussing at, etc… At school, she didn't get along with others and was disrespectful, even throwing chairs at others. I wasn't shocked by this, but it did give us a pause. She admitted to all of this, including stealing from her former foster parents.
Now, my husband and I are older and never anticipated being foster parents. We have 4 adult children and a grandbaby. And yet, our foster daughter fit right into our family. She had never lived in a safe environment before. She never felt loved or accepted. She never had a chance to work through her trauma. The anger and rage she had was throughly justified.
She is now 12 years old and has lived with us for 15 months. She has weekly counseling and is working through a lot of trauma. Due to COVID, I am with her almost 24/7. She is not that same child who was out of control, borderline violent. She is a sweet, compassionate, loving, intelligent, wonderful girl who has a bright future ahead of her.
I come from severe abuse as well. She was placed into my life for a reason. I should have been removed from my house when I was her age as that is when my abuse became horribly escalated. That's another story entirely.
By the way, we have begun the adoption process. Our foster daughter will be legally ours in a few months. She cannot wait to be adopted by us!
UPDATE: it has been a couple of years since I posted my story of fostering and adoption. I have experienced such an outpouring of supportive comments that have overwhelmed and encouraged me. I feel compelled to update the thousands of beautiful people that have reached out to me.
First of all, we did adopt our daughter who is now 13 1/2; becoming her legal parents on 12/17/21. This should be the happy ending tied up with a neat bow. However, in saving my daughter, I have found myself wondering why nobody saved me. I should have been removed from my own house of horrors. I am glad I was able to do that for my daughter and firmly believe God has a purpose in it; still, I am struggling with seeing that victory.
I have given my daughter everything I didn't have growing up. She is finding herself and has a voice. She has food to eat and more clothes than she knows what to do with. She is the princess of the house, with us being parents of adults and even grandparents, she basically is our only child. She is experiencing a life that I never had. I didn't realize that could cause some resentment on my part, which I realize probably doesn't quite make sense. My daughter and I are very different and are triggering to each other.
The truth of the matter is, I am a broken person with my own complex PTSD, trauma, depression, an a lifelong eating disorder. I have been in therapy for 32 long years to heal myself. God has shown up and brought miracles into my life (all of my children fall into that category.) Raising a teenager again is challenging enough; with my trauma rearing up it's ugly head, it has made things more difficult.
Seven years ago, my brother killed our mother and died by suicide. My brother was a ticking time bomb who tortured animals, killed my cat, and relentlessly abused me throughout my childhood. The murder suicide overwhelmed me and compounded my trauma that I was already in therapy for. Instead of fully dealing with this trauma, I threw myself into making a difference—to becoming different than my mother and brother. I went back to school at age 47 to study human services, I volunteered with homeless and at-risk youth, I worked with NAMI to share my story with people in lock-down units at mental facilities, and I began working with foster kids—which is how I ended up meeting my future daughter at age 7.
My journey has been interesting. I have experienced joy and victories; at the same time, feeling like a broken person who is not worthy of being a mother again. I fall incredibly short of how I think the perfect adoptive mother should be. I wish I could report back that this story has the perfect happily-ever-after; but life is messy and I feel so ill-equipped. Nevertheless, I do believe my story is not over.
So on April 14, 2022–2 1/2 years later, here is the update. I am a work in progress as a mother dealing with my trauma, raising a headstrong teenager with her own trauma. God has an interesting way of working things out. I pray I can keep up the good fight in order to be the mother that the happily-ever-afters are made of.
Thanks for reading and bless you.
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What a kind and loving woman that is succeeding with a female foster child that also has her problems and the elderly couple adopted the foster child.
So many problems in foster care. So sad.