MAKE ME LAUGH!

RememberGoliad

Veteran Member
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Oklahoma when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station and drops his car off to be looked at.

To kill time, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Oklahoma, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal." "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Jesus died between two thieves.

As an aged man lay dying in the hospital, he summoned his nurse. "Would you call my lawyer and my congressman right away?" he requested. Within a half hour the man's congressman and his attorney were at his side. The man's breathing was labored by this time, but he remained silent the attorney spoke, "What did you need us for?" The reply came momentarily, "Nothing," he said. "I have heard Jesus died between two thieves," he continued. "Wanted to know what it felt like."
 

RememberGoliad

Veteran Member
"My landlord wants to talk about the high heating bills. I told him my door is always open."
"Fruit farmers eat what they can and can what they can't."
"I bought a fake koi fish... It's my dekoi."
"Laughing out loud is forbidden in Hawaii because it's a low ha state."
"When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination."
"I think my wife is putting glue on my firearms. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns."
"I got booted from the coffee club because I wore a tea shirt."
"Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing."
"I wanted to marry a carbon 14 expert, but all she wanted to do was date."
"It doesn't make any cents but volunteering is rewarding." It's true.
"Being in debt attracts a lot of interest from bankers."
"I wear memory foam insoles to remember why I walked into the next room,"
"I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones I'm getting lately."
"Swarms of flying insects threaten town! Police deploy the swat team."
"Women's roofing expo this weekend. All the shingle ladies will be there."
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return? A stick."
"Larva was a great band before the Beatles emerged."
"Ants never get sick because they have little anty bodies."
"Do race horses slow down when they see police horses?"
"Please cancel my subscription to your issues."
"My neighbor couldn't afford his water bill, so I got him a get well soon card."
"If you wear a sweater and sweat are you the sweater?"
 

RememberGoliad

Veteran Member
"My landlord wants to talk about the high heating bills. I told him my door is always open."
"Fruit farmers eat what they can and can what they can't."
"I bought a fake koi fish... It's my dekoi."
"Laughing out loud is forbidden in Hawaii because it's a low ha state."
"When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination."
"I think my wife is putting glue on my firearms. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns."
"I got booted from the coffee club because I wore a tea shirt."
"Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing."
"I wanted to marry a carbon 14 expert, but all she wanted to do was date."
"It doesn't make any cents but volunteering is rewarding." It's true.
"Being in debt attracts a lot of interest from bankers."
"I wear memory foam insoles to remember why I walked into the next room,"
"I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones I'm getting lately."
"Swarms of flying insects threaten town! Police deploy the swat team."
"Women's roofing expo this weekend. All the shingle ladies will be there."
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return? A stick."
"Larva was a great band before the Beatles emerged."
"Ants never get sick because they have little anty bodies."
"Do race horses slow down when they see police horses?"
"Please cancel my subscription to your issues."
"My neighbor couldn't afford his water bill, so I got him a get well soon card."
"If you wear a sweater and sweat are you the sweater?"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A restaurant has a challenge: We Will Give $500 To Any Customer Whose Order We Cannot Fill. One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread. She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's people shouting, swearing, pots and pans banging. A few minutes later, the manager comes out with $500 in hand. "You really got us" he says "this is the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread".
 

RememberGoliad

Veteran Member
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
George stumbled over a genie

George, who lived in Ashland, Oregon, loved his RV, but he also dreamed of going to Hawaii. One day, while walking along the beach, George stumbled over a genie in a magic lamp who granted him a single wish. “I’ve always wanted to explore the island of Maui in my motorhome, but I can’t afford to ship it there. I wish for you to build a bridge from Oregon to Hawaii so I can fulfill my dream.” The genie replied, “That’s impossible. The ocean is far too deep to build a bridge across. Even a genie such as I can’t do it. You have to wish for something else.” George thought for a moment, then he said, “I don’t understand women. I wish to understand how they think and what they want.” The genie paused, then said, “Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
 

Walbash

Contributing Member

Election 2024 - Biden vs. Trump: How Did We Get Here... Again?! | JEFF DUNHAM​

RT 1:38
A compilation of old clips

As most of us know, American politics in the last few years has gotten WAY out of hand… Crazily and sadly. Well, for about a decade now, the little guys and I have done our best to make fun of EVERYONE in charge! SO.. Leave your partisanship at the door, grab your popcorn, and settle in for this not-so-correct compilation of clips from our past political punches! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and some of you will be greatly offended… until we make fun of the OTHER side! When it’s all done, let us know YOUR favorite slam!… I mean JOKE!

View: https://youtu.be/A6C9QWmJYYw?si=t9lF7PsVFTpsjPLR
 
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