Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Taking Chance. A Memorial Day Tribute
A Tribute. Scenes taken from Taking Chance.
Run Time 5:40 M
MAKE ME LAUGH!
- Thread starter Dennis Olson
- Start date
A Tribute. Scenes taken from Taking Chance.
Run Time 5:40 M
SurvivalRing
Rich Fleetwood - Founder - author/coder/podcaster
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
When God created Adam and Eve, He said to them:
“I have two gifts to give you—one is to pee standing up and...”
Adam, very anxious, interrupted him, screaming:
“ME..! ME..! I want it, please, Lord... please... please... please...!! This would make life a lot easier!”
Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her.
So God gave Adam the gift.
Adam was amazed, screaming for joy, running through the Garden of Eden, peeing on every tree. He ran along the beach, making drawings with his pee in the sand. He lit a fire and played fireman.
God and Eve stared at the mad man with happiness until Eve asked God:
“…And... what is the other present?”
And God answered:
“A brain, Eve. The brain is yours...”
“I have two gifts to give you—one is to pee standing up and...”
Adam, very anxious, interrupted him, screaming:
“ME..! ME..! I want it, please, Lord... please... please... please...!! This would make life a lot easier!”
Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her.
So God gave Adam the gift.
Adam was amazed, screaming for joy, running through the Garden of Eden, peeing on every tree. He ran along the beach, making drawings with his pee in the sand. He lit a fire and played fireman.
God and Eve stared at the mad man with happiness until Eve asked God:
“…And... what is the other present?”
And God answered:
“A brain, Eve. The brain is yours...”
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied...
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied...
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
I was headed for the kitchen the other morning when I heard a loud crash. Rushing into the kitchen I found that my wife had passed out and dropped the coffee pot. For a moment I panicked. Then my years of training as a firefighter/EMT kicked in..... Hell, I'll just pick up some donuts, stop by the firehouse and have coffee with the guys. I can buy a new coffee pot on the way home.
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again decided to leave a note saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me".
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, her husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone..yeah I know, about time. I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. Can't wait to see you and we'll do all those naughty things you like"
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
Furious and teary-eyed, she heard him drive off as she came out from under the bed. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread..be back in five minutes."
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, her husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone..yeah I know, about time. I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. Can't wait to see you and we'll do all those naughty things you like"
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
Furious and teary-eyed, she heard him drive off as she came out from under the bed. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread..be back in five minutes."
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Ho Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
His boss says, "you know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you, I go to my wife and ask her for sex, that makes everything better and I go to work. Try it."
Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and feel great, I be at work soon. You have a nice house too!"
His boss says, "you know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you, I go to my wife and ask her for sex, that makes everything better and I go to work. Try it."
Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and feel great, I be at work soon. You have a nice house too!"
Walbash
Contributing Member
RememberGoliad
Veteran Member
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
3 Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin’ the breeze.
1st Hillbilly: “My wife sure is stupid! She bought an air conditioner.”
2nd Hillbilly: “Why is that stupid?”
1st Hillbilly: “”We ain’t got no ‘lectricity!”
2nd Hillbilly: “That’s nothin’ My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin’ machines!”
1st Hillbilly: “Why is that so stupid?”
2nd Hillbilly: “Cause we ain’t got no plummin’!”
3rd Hillbilly: “That ain’t nuthin’! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! … I was going through her purse the other day lookin’ fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar. ”
1st and 2nd Hillbillies : “Well what’s so dumb about that?”
3rd Hillbilly: “She ain’t got no pecker!”
1st Hillbilly: “My wife sure is stupid! She bought an air conditioner.”
2nd Hillbilly: “Why is that stupid?”
1st Hillbilly: “”We ain’t got no ‘lectricity!”
2nd Hillbilly: “That’s nothin’ My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin’ machines!”
1st Hillbilly: “Why is that so stupid?”
2nd Hillbilly: “Cause we ain’t got no plummin’!”
3rd Hillbilly: “That ain’t nuthin’! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! … I was going through her purse the other day lookin’ fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar. ”
1st and 2nd Hillbillies : “Well what’s so dumb about that?”
3rd Hillbilly: “She ain’t got no pecker!”
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
i was at the doctors and the nurse was helping me undress. I asked her I don’t get a dinner first?
Times have changed. She smiled.
Times have changed. She smiled.
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor.
“I am goin’ huntin’ tomorrow Buddy and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I’ll give you fifty bucks.”
“Yes, sir!” answers Buddy.
The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks: “So, Buddy, how was your day?”
Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo Buddy! The second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him Maalox, sir.” says Buddy.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the Doctor.
“Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties. She lies down on the table and shouts: Help me – I haven’t seen a man in over two years.”
“Lard Tunderin’ Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?”
“I put drops in her eyes!!”
“I am goin’ huntin’ tomorrow Buddy and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I’ll give you fifty bucks.”
“Yes, sir!” answers Buddy.
The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks: “So, Buddy, how was your day?”
Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo Buddy! The second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him Maalox, sir.” says Buddy.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the Doctor.
“Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties. She lies down on the table and shouts: Help me – I haven’t seen a man in over two years.”
“Lard Tunderin’ Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?”
“I put drops in her eyes!!”
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running, I figure I’d better run too!
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running, I figure I’d better run too!
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
“Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”
Caller: “Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”
Caller: “Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
“Now,” he said,” what do you learn from this?”
An eager student gave his answer.
“Well the answer is obvious,” he said ” if you drink alcohol, you’ll never have worms.”
“Now,” he said,” what do you learn from this?”
An eager student gave his answer.
“Well the answer is obvious,” he said ” if you drink alcohol, you’ll never have worms.”
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
A woman came home, screeched her car into the driveway, jumped out and ran full speed into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God, that's great! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God, that's great! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..
“You died in your sleep, Harold.”
Harold was stunned. “I’m dead…? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”
St. Peter said, “Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to your house as a goldfish or as a hen.”
Harold never liked swimming and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all. The chickens his wife raised just ran around pecking at the ground, no stress, and at least he’d still be close to her.
Harold replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.” The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground in his old backyard! Another hen strolled up and said, “So, you’re the new hen, nice to meet you. How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Harold, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the hen. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never..” said Harold.
“Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Harold clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg. Harold was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. It felt amazing. He never new it was like this! Just as he was about to lay his third egg, his wife called out to him. “Harold! Harold!”
Happiness filled Harold as he saw her running towards him. Knowing she was there to share this moment, he was overwhelmed by joy.
He clucked once, clucked twice, and suddenly felt his wife smack the back of his head. “Dammit, Harold wake up! You’re crapping on the bed!”
“You died in your sleep, Harold.”
Harold was stunned. “I’m dead…? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”
St. Peter said, “Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to your house as a goldfish or as a hen.”
Harold never liked swimming and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all. The chickens his wife raised just ran around pecking at the ground, no stress, and at least he’d still be close to her.
Harold replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.” The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground in his old backyard! Another hen strolled up and said, “So, you’re the new hen, nice to meet you. How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Harold, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the hen. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never..” said Harold.
“Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Harold clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg. Harold was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. It felt amazing. He never new it was like this! Just as he was about to lay his third egg, his wife called out to him. “Harold! Harold!”
Happiness filled Harold as he saw her running towards him. Knowing she was there to share this moment, he was overwhelmed by joy.
He clucked once, clucked twice, and suddenly felt his wife smack the back of his head. “Dammit, Harold wake up! You’re crapping on the bed!”
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Between 65 and death
found this on FB:
posted by:
Steve Korker July 14, 2016 ·
Many of us are between 65 and death, i.e. old.
REMEMBER: “Life is too short to drink bad wine.” Or, in my case, bad Arnold Palmer.
I have to agree it's good advice to follow. I'm particularly interested in tune with #19.
1. It’s time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don’t just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard-earned capital. Warning: This is also a bad time for investments, even if it seems wonderful or fool-proof. They only bring problems and worries. This is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.
2. Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don’t feel bad spending your money on yourself. You’ve taken care of them for many years, and you’ve taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.
3. Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It’s easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, do tests even when you’re feeling well. Stay informed.
4. Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then, enjoy it together.
5. Don’t stress over the little things. You’ve already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don’t let the past drag you down and don’t let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.
6. Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: “A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection.”
7. Be proud, both inside and out. Don’t stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well stocked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.
8. Don’t lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There’s nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You’ve developed your own sense of what looks good on you – keep it and be proud of it. It’s part of who you are.
9. ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read newspapers, watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks. You’ll be surprised what old friends you’ll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.
10. Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them that yesterday’s wisdom still applies today.
11. Never use the phrase: “In my time.” Your time is now. As long as you’re alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.
12. Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it’ll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.
13. Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that is). Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy. They need theirs and you need yours. If you’ve lost your partner (our deepest condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out. Even then, do so only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.
14. Don’t abandon your hobbies. If you don’t have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer or just collect certain items. Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.
15. Even if you don’t feel like it, try to accept invitations. Baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, conferences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven’t seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). But don’t get upset when you’re not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.
16. Be a conversationalist. Talk less and listen more. Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested. That’s a great way of reducing their desire to speak with you. Listen first and answer questions, but don’t go off into long stories unless asked to. Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to. Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints. Always find some good things to say as well.
17. Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older. Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we’re all going through. Try to minimize them in your mind. They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.
18. If you’ve been offended by someone – forgive them. If you’ve offended someone - apologize. Don’t drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn’t matter who was right. Someone once said: “Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Don’t take that poison. Forgive, forget and move on with your life.
19. If you have a strong belief, savor it. But don’t waste your time trying to convince others. They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration. Live your faith and set an example. Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.
20. Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what’s not to laugh about? Find the humor in your situation.
21. Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They’ll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you’ve achieved. Let them talk and don’t worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you’ve lived so far. There’s still much to be written, so get busy writing and don’t waste time thinking about what others might think. Now is the time to be at rest, at peace and as happy as you can be!
found this on FB:
posted by:
Steve Korker July 14, 2016 ·
Many of us are between 65 and death, i.e. old.
REMEMBER: “Life is too short to drink bad wine.” Or, in my case, bad Arnold Palmer.
I have to agree it's good advice to follow. I'm particularly interested in tune with #19.
1. It’s time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don’t just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard-earned capital. Warning: This is also a bad time for investments, even if it seems wonderful or fool-proof. They only bring problems and worries. This is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.
2. Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don’t feel bad spending your money on yourself. You’ve taken care of them for many years, and you’ve taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.
3. Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It’s easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, do tests even when you’re feeling well. Stay informed.
4. Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then, enjoy it together.
5. Don’t stress over the little things. You’ve already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don’t let the past drag you down and don’t let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.
6. Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: “A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection.”
7. Be proud, both inside and out. Don’t stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well stocked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.
8. Don’t lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There’s nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You’ve developed your own sense of what looks good on you – keep it and be proud of it. It’s part of who you are.
9. ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read newspapers, watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks. You’ll be surprised what old friends you’ll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.
10. Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them that yesterday’s wisdom still applies today.
11. Never use the phrase: “In my time.” Your time is now. As long as you’re alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.
12. Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it’ll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.
13. Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that is). Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy. They need theirs and you need yours. If you’ve lost your partner (our deepest condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out. Even then, do so only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.
14. Don’t abandon your hobbies. If you don’t have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer or just collect certain items. Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.
15. Even if you don’t feel like it, try to accept invitations. Baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, conferences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven’t seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). But don’t get upset when you’re not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.
16. Be a conversationalist. Talk less and listen more. Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested. That’s a great way of reducing their desire to speak with you. Listen first and answer questions, but don’t go off into long stories unless asked to. Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to. Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints. Always find some good things to say as well.
17. Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older. Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we’re all going through. Try to minimize them in your mind. They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.
18. If you’ve been offended by someone – forgive them. If you’ve offended someone - apologize. Don’t drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn’t matter who was right. Someone once said: “Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Don’t take that poison. Forgive, forget and move on with your life.
19. If you have a strong belief, savor it. But don’t waste your time trying to convince others. They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration. Live your faith and set an example. Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.
20. Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what’s not to laugh about? Find the humor in your situation.
21. Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They’ll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you’ve achieved. Let them talk and don’t worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you’ve lived so far. There’s still much to be written, so get busy writing and don’t waste time thinking about what others might think. Now is the time to be at rest, at peace and as happy as you can be!
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Al Gore Warns Polar Ice May Be Gone in Five Years
The Arctic ice cap will be ice free by 2015!RUN TIME 2:48 M
Old Reliable
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Alabama - High Cotton (Official Video)
RUN Time 5:58 M
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
An old woman came home late one nite to find her house in the process of being burglarized. she eased into the house and snuck up on the burglar and shouted "Acts 2:38. Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost". The burglar froze and raised his hands. The woman called the police and they arrived to arrest the man. One cop asked the thief why he just stood there waiting for them to arrive and the theif said, she said she had an axe and two 38's.
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT 8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 - So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead. 8:22 - The transgender man.. women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not used to decorate snow figures. 8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive. 8:37 - Then accused of using a black face on the snowman...snowperson. 8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered. 8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 - The 'council on equality' officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding that I be arrested. 9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media. 10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...
Moral: There ain't no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of idiot snowflakes
Moral: There ain't no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of idiot snowflakes
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
No copy past hear over and out.
tech
Veteran Member
All because he gave in to the rhetoric...stand firm!
RememberGoliad
Veteran Member
RememberGoliad
Veteran Member
RememberGoliad
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RememberGoliad
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RememberGoliad
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RememberGoliad
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Lottery-winning-farmer: So, do you stand behind all this equipment you're selling?
Deere salesman: Yep. Except for the manure spreader.
Deere salesman: Yep. Except for the manure spreader.
RememberGoliad
Veteran Member
RememberGoliad
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RememberGoliad
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Now, true story time. One day back in the dark ages when the kids were still home. They were all going out to various places that night, so I got out two ribeyes and got the grill going for Friday night's supper. In walks one of the female offspring with a male in tow. Apparently we'd forgotten that she had a 2nd date with the boy. Her rule (admirable one, when you think about it) was that the first date was a 'freebie' and a daytime event but if he wanted a 2nd one of an evening, he had to come meet the folks. So...in they walk, steaks about halfway to completion. So, a little more green salad made, four sausage links get tossed on the grill, steaks get cut in half, two more plates set on the table.
We sit down to eat and, well, I'll call him Doofus, asks, WITHOUT EVEN TASTING HIS FOOD, "do ya have any A-1?" Daughter reaches over without a single word, grabs his chunk of steak and flips it to the eagerly waiting doggo, who catches it proudly and gobbles it down. Mom and I were laughing too hard to protest Beau getting half a steak, ribeye at that, mainly at Doofus's look of disbelief. Daughter catches the look and shrugs, said, "What? I knew he wouldn't complain about it before he tasted it."
Never saw that boy again. Wonder why? Oh, and she didn't leave with him after supper.
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RememberGoliad
Veteran Member
ChicagoMan74
ULTRA MAGA
