MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Things you learn as parents

For those with No children-this is totally hysterical! For those who
already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who
have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children
nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had
children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to
spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already
too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year
old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what the odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on plastic toys do not
like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first
pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She
read,"..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to
build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I
think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to
teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
My Goldfish Died

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your mean cat!”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Married Young

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don’t want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him “How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?” He replies “Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.” His father says “That’s fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?”

Johnny answers “Well, so far, we’ve been lucky…”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Student in Psychology

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200!!”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
New to Texting

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she
agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again ?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into
bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He
touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time
before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife
on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left ! Could we... ?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not
being funny ... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)






What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to your emails.

I don't know about you sometimes!
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A blonde woman was driving down the free way when all of a sudden she got a flat tire she pulled on to the shoulder.

She opened her trunk and then she pulled out 2 cardboard cut outs of nude men and pointed them towards on coming traffic.

They caused traffic to back up quite a ways.

Then an enraged officer walked up to the blonde and asked what those were and she said those are my Emergancy flashers.:

blob2: :bang: :bang: :newbie:
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
MOTHERS WHO DRUGGED US!!!

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab
had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a
rhetorical question.

"Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"

I replied, "I had a drug problem when I was young:

I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and
funerals.

I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.

I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie,
brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the
teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything
that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I
uttered a profanity.

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out
of dad's fields.

I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor
soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some
firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip
for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I
do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if
today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better
place.

God bless the parents who drugged us."
 

Bps1691

Veteran Member
Stupid question, excellent answer!

Australians often give very direct answers. In this case, it stopped any further questions, which was probably his intent. For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove
who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast
went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
I would pay money to have seen her face.
 
True story from this past Spring...

So it’s rather late (1900ish), been a hard day working on the house and we still have to get dinner for our 5 & 8 year old daughters. My Wife suggests I take them for some fast food — which is nearly verboten in our house leading the girls to excited agreement — allowing her to finish some painting.

On the drive out, my daughters are reminiscing about some of their former classmates — they are now homeschooled — and the youngest keeps referring to a boy (Nolan) she constantly butted heads with as “two-halves”.

While waiting in the drive through, I finally turn around and say “Maggie, why do you keep referring to Nolan as “two-halves”?”

She looks at me, cocks her head and responded in a very exasperated voice “Daaadddeeee, everyone knows that two halves makes an ‘A’ hole”.

I immediately turned around trying not to laugh and terribly unsure whether I should be correcting her but I let it go.

Later that evening, I relayed the events to my Wife who immediately accused me of having taught the word to our youngest... my defense is that I’ve only ever used the word ‘asshole’ so ‘a-hole’ certainly didn’t originate with me. She then suggests that Maggie possibly got the joke from me... my defense there being absolutely rock solid: IF I had thought of that joke, I WOULD OWN IT! It’s bloody brilliant!

FOOTNOTE: a few weeks ago and about 3 months after the aforementioned incident, we identified where Maggie learned the term ‘A’ hole from... my Wife’s big sister. :) Shortly after learning this, I approached Maggie and asked her where she came up with “two-halves”. Her response? I listened to Mommy teaching Ellie fractions and thought it was funny.

Maggie has since turned 6 — a couple weeks after the incident actually — and my major concern now is how much trouble Molly & I are in as Maggie gets older. :)
 
I’ve finally gotten smart and changed all of my passwords to “incorrect”.

Now, when I forget my password the computer will always tell me “Your password is incorrect”
 

Seeker22

Veteran Member
Laugh until u drop tears

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news..
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
 
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