PLAY The Official 'Just Because' Humor Thread

packyderms_wife

Neither here nor there.
...

Married couple gets pulled over, but the officer never thought he’d hear such a thing...
If you ever get pulled over, it’s always best to be honest, and whatever you do, don’t do what this couple does!
A man and his wife are out driving, and get pulled over by a police officer.
The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What’s the problem, officer?”
Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “Oh, this? I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”
The man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your mouth!”
The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”
 
Last edited:

thompson

Certa Bonum Certamen
Hey look, a drone!

B38kOec.gif
 

changed

Preferred pronouns: dude/bro
A young bull and an old bull were standing on a ridge overlooking a valley full of cows. The young bull said to the old bull, "let's run down there and mate with one of those cows." The old bull replied, "instead, let's walk down there and mate with all of them.
 

Bardou

Veteran Member
A young bull and an old bull were standing on a ridge overlooking a valley full of cows. The young bull said to the old bull, "let's run down there and mate with one of those cows." The old bull replied, "instead, let's walk down there and mate with all of them.

DH loves to tell that joke to his doctor and dentist. He gets a charge out of it every time!
 

Bardou

Veteran Member
"Is there anyone...who can make me feel like a woman?"

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe thunder storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when the plane is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt....
One button at a time....
No one moves....
He removes his shirt....
Muscles ripple across his chest....

She gasps....

He whispers in her ear...'Iron this ... then get me a beer.'
 

Bardou

Veteran Member
YES, HE BIT 24 PEOPLE, BUT...




IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.


YES, HE BIT 6 PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS...


4 PEOPLE WEARING HILLARY T-SHIRTS...


2 CAR DRIVERS WITH BERNIE SANDERS BUMPER STICKERS...


9 TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS...


2 FLAG BURNERS...


AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.


SO FOR THE LAST TIME..



OURDOG.gif



THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
 

ShadowMan

Designated Grumpy Old Fart
YES, HE BIT 24 PEOPLE, BUT...


O

IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.


YES, HE BIT 6 PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS...


4 PEOPLE WEARING HILLARY T-SHIRTS...


2 CAR DRIVERS WITH BERNIE SANDERS BUMPER STICKERS...


9 TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS...


2 FLAG BURNERS...


AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.


SO FOR THE LAST TIME..



OURDOG.gif



THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

How much for a puppy sired by him?
 

changed

Preferred pronouns: dude/bro
Why is it called Menopause?
Shouldn't it be Womenopause?

Shouldn't Harvey be a Himicane?


How do you make an old lady swear?
Yell Bingo

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the possum it could be done.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste

What does a fish say when its swimming along and hits concrete?
Dam!!

Why is it when geese are flying in a V, one side is sometimes longer than the other?
Because there are more geese on that side.
 

Bardou

Veteran Member
The Urinal Is Too High:


A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."
 

packyderms_wife

Neither here nor there.
The Urinal Is Too High:


A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."

:xpnd:
 

Possible Impact

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Stephen Nellis‏ Verified account @StephenNellis 20m
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over our financial terminal.

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BEHOLD THE PROMISING FUTURE WE ALL ENVISIONED!


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If you're wondering what the most powerful tech company in the world
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Kai Ryssdal‏ Verified account @kairyssdal 28m
Reuters says it -- it must be true.
 

packyderms_wife

Neither here nor there.
Omg, I have to share this experience...
The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs have been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it. This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that is where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work. So I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did... I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face. I began coughing, which only caused the f*cking collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the damn dog is barking. So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco. I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane ****er across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so damn hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch.
Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbour is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!
 
Omg, I have to share this experience...
The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs have been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it. This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that is where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work. So I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did... I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face. I began coughing, which only caused the f*cking collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the damn dog is barking. So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco. I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane ****er across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so damn hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch.
Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbour is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!

Did you really do this?
Reminds me of those stupid teenager dare videos when they put on a shock collar and start barking!
 

Pinecone

Has No Life - Lives on TB
I haven't laughed so hard in a long time, Packy! I had to check to see if these collars are real. Yep. Will I buy one. Nope.
 

Yogizorch

Has No Life - Lives on TB
So Bill Clinton and Al Gore are talking one day and Bill says.... "You
know Al, me and Hillary have not had good sex in such a long time....I
wonder what I could do to fix this problem"

Al Gore responds, "Well you know Bill me and Tipper used to have the
same problem till we saw a marriage counselor who told us that maybe
finding a consenting couple that we know well and swaping partners
would be a sure way to get some fire back in the bedroom.."

"What a good idea," said Bill, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Do you think our wives would go for it?"

"I think so," said Al with a mischievious look on his face.

So they swapped partners for one night of unbridled passion, no punches
pulled-anything-goes type of sex.

Next morning Bill says to Al, "So how do you think it went for Hillary and Tipper?"
 

packyderms_wife

Neither here nor there.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?
Well, because that's the way they built them in England, and English engineers designed the first US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the wagon tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

So, why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break more often on some of the old, long distance roads in England . You see, that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And what about the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match or run the risk of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature, of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything and....

CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.
 

packyderms_wife

Neither here nor there.
So Bill Clinton and Al Gore are talking one day and Bill says.... "You
know Al, me and Hillary have not had good sex in such a long time....I
wonder what I could do to fix this problem"

Al Gore responds, "Well you know Bill me and Tipper used to have the
same problem till we saw a marriage counselor who told us that maybe
finding a consenting couple that we know well and swaping partners
would be a sure way to get some fire back in the bedroom.."

"What a good idea," said Bill, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Do you think our wives would go for it?"

"I think so," said Al with a mischievious look on his face.

So they swapped partners for one night of unbridled passion, no punches
pulled-anything-goes type of sex.

Next morning Bill says to Al, "So how do you think it went for Hillary and Tipper?"

:xpnd: sounds about right.
 

Terriannie

Has No Life - Lives on TB
From a couple of emails: :D
 

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