sssarawolf
Has No Life - Lives on TB
Very good, many thanks.
Story There Is No Such Thing as a Thornless Garden
- Thread starter Kathy in FL
- Start date
Chapter 20-1
I told her, “I am pretty sure you shouldn’t be here.”
“What did you do to Roman? He looks sick. Did you hurt his feelings?”
“Not that I’m aware of. We were making a deal … he kinda wandered off to think for a bit.”
“That’s not what it looked like.”
“Then go ask Roman. I’m not his keeper.”
“But he’s yours.”
“We’re talking about the possibility.”
“No. Father B has already declared that is going to be the way it is.”
“Well whoever Father B is, they can undeclare it until after me and Roman have a chance to talk it over. I didn’t escape one pimp only for another to try and own me.”
She gasped. “You … you …”
“Like I said, I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t be here. You might hear something they don’t want you to hear … like the truth. Now go away.”
“I’m free to do as I wish. I’m not some two-bit piece of trash that came in off the trail to make people miserable with lies.”
“Don’t be stupid. It doesn’t matter what you think of me or how much you want to hide from the facts. Roman’s dad and Saul will crap the Chrysler building if they find you here. And Roman probably will too. I’m thinking though that Roman’s mother might be even worse, and I don’t want a run in with that woman. She can be scary when she wants to be and Roman says that she’s the best about some stuff and … and … well I won’t pay her back by being nasty. She let me hear Bean.”
“Bean. That’s what you call … call that …”
“Bean is not a ‘that’ or an ‘it’ now please go away.”
“You can’t tell me what to do.”
“Maybe not but you can tell yourself to use commonsense. Now scram. I won’t pay Roman’s mom back like this and I don’t want trouble from anyone else either.”
Someone cleared their throat and we both jumped. It was Saul and Mrs. Beauchamp. Her look could have frozen Satan while he was sitting in a sauna when she said, “Patricia.”
Just one word. Not even an order or anything. But that girl sure moved. Mrs. Beauchamp reminds me more and more of Mother Mary and that is not a good thing I can tell you that.
“I wish to have a discussion with you.”
I was tempted to say so long as your discussion doesn’t involve hitting then go for it … but I didn’t. She isn’t the type to put up with sass and I’m not sure I want to find out if her remedy is as interesting as Mother Mary’s could be.
“Roman … is upset this morning.”
“You mean just now upset or before we started talking he was upset?”
“I presume it was something that just occurred.”
“Oh … well I taught him how to read the word cow. It seemed to perturb him. He needed to go off and think about it for a bit.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“About what?”
“Let me rephrase that. My s … s … Roman has severe learning disabilities and cannot read.”
“He has challenges. So do lots of other people. And he can read … or just did. He just might not ever read really good.”
“Well. He may not ever read really well.”
“At least you seem to be admitting that he can. Before you said that he cannot.”
I saw Saul turned his head away like he wasn’t interested in being blinded by the flash explosion that seemed likely to occur if Mrs. Beauchamp’s face was any measure of how things stood.
“Are you being disrespectful?”
“No, just stating facts. Unfortunately you folks aren’t the only ones in the world that seem to lose sight of them on a regular basis.”
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that you came here looking for a fight and you did it by saying something stupid about your son … Roman, not the other ones that by all I’ve heard are actually archangels that came to earth ‘cause you and Mr. Beauchamp are just so special. Only somehow you feel like Roman is the dud that got snuck in on you. Well he isn’t a dud … he’s just a man like all other men and has his faults just like the rest of them too. I admit he does annoy me by acting like I’m some stray he’s got to fix but I’m thinking about letting him so long as he and I get it straight that this is about Bean and not about me. I’m not fixable. Bean doesn’t need to be fixed, they’re just going to need someone that won’t object or get in the way of me teaching Bean about safe. And Roman really has this thing about family so I figure that is good too.”
“How would you know about the depths of connection in a family?” she asked.
I glanced at Saul but he was still looking away so I figured either they had decided not to tell her or they hadn’t gotten around to it yet. I shrugged. “Maybe I don’t know personally but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have enough brains to figure out that the more people on Bean’s side the better. If that’s what a family is for then that is what I want for Bean. Roman can be family. I just don’t like …”
“Like what?” she asked and I got the feeling it was against her preference to ask.
“I don’t like that it looks like he is having to sacrifice to do it. Oh I know he doesn’t think you all really want him around to begin with and someone has to take the crap work, even in a family; but, Roman really isn’t all that bad. Kinda a little bit soft hearted but some people just are I guess. He reminds me of my brother in a lot of ways.”
“You … you have a brother?”
“I wasn’t exactly hatched and left under a cabbage leaf for Mother Mary to find. She’s the woman that owned the whore house.”
Saul growled and I told him, “Relax. Mrs. Beauchamp is a grown woman and I heard she used to be a nurse. And she sure as heck ain’t made of glass. You want to know the truth she’s scarier than you are, and you should really take some notes. One word and she had that Patty girl moving and it was the same way with those others … Missy, Regina, and the one that Roman said was his sister Vicki. I don’t see you doing nothing but growling and I sure ain’t moving for some man that can’t use words that can be found in a dictionary.”
Saul glared and said, “In case Roman hasn’t gotten to this part of it yet, you are required to speak respectfully with members of the enclave and behave appropriately.”
“Well la-dee-da Mr. Saul … haven’t you figured out yet that I’m too ignorant to know how to act. Yes siree … I’m just a dock ho’ and …”
“Thorn, can’t I leave you alone for two seconds without coming back to find you in trouble?!” Roman stood shaking his head. “Knock it off. I told you to be careful around Saul and that you weren’t going to like some of the conditions.”
“You also told me I wouldn’t have to be around any of the men. Well unless I’m sadly mistaken Saul is one of the men and he’s around, so which is it going to be. Do I have to put up with them or not?”
“Saul is the exception.”
“How many exceptions are there going to be and Alex better not be one of them.”
“No, Alex will NOT be one of the exceptions. That was one of my conditions so you don’t need to worry about that.”
“You sure? ‘Cause they let him run loose once and he tried to … to hurt Bean.”
“I’m sure. But that’s one more reason why we’re out here rather than back in the enclave.”
“Where is here anyway? I know it is a different place than the other one. They didn’t kick you out did they?”
“No Thorn,” he said with a sigh. “They did not kick me out. And we’ll talk about where here is as soon as we get some other things straightened out.”
“Ok, so long as here is a place that is safe.”
“Yeah, here is safe.”
“Ok. Fine then. What’s the other stuff you need to straighten out?”
“We need to straighten out. We’re making a deal remember?”
“That’s what I mean.”
“That’s not what you said. First thing first. You aren’t a prisoner.”
“Roman, get off it already. I’m not some pathetic little whatever that you need to … I don’t know … whatever it is you think you need to do. All I’m looking for is a place for Bean. You aren’t half bad at this deal stuff so I’m willing to reconsider about around here being where I can stop and give Bean safe.”
Mrs. Beauchapm obviously did not like being left out of the conversation. “Young la … woman …”
Roman surprised me – and from the looks of them Mrs. Beauchamp and Saul too – by saying, “Mom, I’ve got this. Let Saul take you back home. You and him are only making things harder.”
“Well, that a son of mine would …”
I rolled my eyes, “Roman, just let ‘em stay so we can get this over with. But first I need to go to the bathroom so you better tell me where it is and get out of the way. Bean is not making this sitting still stuff very easy.”
Roman got red and said, “It’s out back. Uh …”
“No. I do need you trailing me to the bathroom like some kind of pervert. I’m not completely stupid. I will go there, and I will come back. I will not run away. I will not cause trouble. And close your eyes, I don’t have to let men see me no more. Besides, Alex pretty much let me know that I’m gross looking and the way I’m feeling right now I don’t want to have to clean up some man’s puke just ‘cause he got an eye full he didn’t want.”
“Now Thorn …”
I ignored him because I could and when I got to the front door I asked, “Left or right? And stop looking.”
“I’m not looking already. Left.”
“Then stop following me or is that part of your job?”
He sighed. “Knock it off. I’m tired of fighting with you.”
“Fine. But that still doesn’t mean you can look.”
“Will you just go already?!”
I did but I came out feeling not so hot. It must have showed on my face because Mrs. Beauchamp, who must have come out to make sure we knew how to do things, told Roman, “She is no condition to run anywhere so I can at least let them know that isn’t a concern at this time.”
I didn’t say it, but I could have told her that she obviously did not know me at all and underestimated my determination and how much I could take … and how much I would put up with. Instead I used a little commonsense and kept my mouth shut which for some reason had Roman looking at me suspiciously before taking my arm and saying, “Just let me help without giving me any grief about it.”
“Fine. But I’m not helpless.”
“You’re as helpless as a rabid panther but that doesn’t mean you don’t need help once in a while.”
I could accept that and by the time we got back in the house I was shivering. “You need a coat.”
“I could have taken a cover but I didn’t want to get it dirty in the bathroom. That place needs a serious scrubbing.”
Mrs. Beauchamp said, “Yes it does. I also expect you to clean the rest of this house. I may not agree with Roman’s choices but I will not see him suffer because of some … some over inflated se …”
“Aunt Margaret …”
I told Saul, “Oh stop it. Let the woman express herself. She’s more polite about it than most would be. All she is saying is that I best behave or she’ll know about it and get involved. That’s fine by me. It lays it all out on the table. And besides, I don’t want on her bad side. Roman says his mother is the best about baby stuff and that means she’s what is best for Bean. If you want something in this life you gotta be willing to give something. If I gotta give minding her to get her for Bean, that’s the way it’s gotta be.”
“I cannot be bribed.”
“I’m not talking about bribery. I’m talking about paying what is due on account for Bean’s sake.”
Roman said, “Enough. Get back in bed.”
“I can’t clean if I’m in bed.”
“You can start that after you aren’t the color of a rancid mushroom. Now get back in bed or I’ll put you there.”
Chapter 20-2
Mrs. Beauchamp must be the kind of woman that is the one that likes to give the orders. “Roman Douglas Beauchamp.”
“Mom, don’t take this the wrong way but your way isn’t going to work here. Neither is Dad’s or Andrew’s … and Peter better just back off all together before him and me get into it again. Saul probably understands better and even he don’t get it all the way. Thorn and I will work this out, make a deal that works for us and the enclave and then everyone can go back to doing what they want to do.”
“And Alex? He’s left with this … this … scar … trauma …”
“Mom, you and I are just going to have to disagree on this. Alex was wrong. Talk to Dad if he can even bring himself to tell you. If not … Saul you do it. Someone needs to but she won’t believe it if it comes from me.”
“Hey! I said …”
Roman turned around and very quietly said, “Your story isn’t going to get spread around. I don’t think they dare … for lots of reasons. But Mom needs to know. It’s not fair to keep her in the dark. Not about this. And she needs to know for Bean’s sake too. It might make a difference. Mom is always up in arms about young girls having babies and you fall into that category.”
“What do you mean she falls into that category?”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t worry about it Mrs. Beauchamp. Roman is just hypersensitive. It’s not his fault and it isn’t anyone’s fault that is still around to kick around about it.”
“Excuse me?” she said like I was trying to fool her on purpose. Honestly Bean, that woman doesn’t know when to give it up already.
Roman interrupted. “Saul, take her to Dad. I don’t know, maybe they can work it out between them or something. Just give me some space to try and make a deal with Thorn.”
Saul sighed and said, “Patty is around here someplace.”
“What?! Oh that’s just great. More for Alex to come unglued about.”
I patted his arm. “I told her she probably wasn’t supposed to come around and I was nice about it. Ask your mom. I know she’s … something … to you I mean.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?’
“I told you I could tell about people – human nature and all that – and Alex was having too much fun just egging you on about it and a couple of other people have let her name drop. Now I know she is Alex’s wife so that must mean there is a story there but that’s none of my business. But my business IS making sure you don’t think I’d get into your business and stir trouble so …”
Roman just shook his head. “You are a piece of work. And we might as well get this out in the open right now before witnesses so you don’t get all sorts of dumb ideas and this just gets harder. Yes, Patty and I were sitting on her uncle’s porch together after she came to live with him. At least before Alex started showing up and then pushed me out of the way. Patty is a sweet and likable girl, and she wasn’t always treated very nice in her father’s house and I tried to … to make her feel better. But I went and read too much into the time we spent together. I … I thought there was more to it than there was and what went down was Patty’s choice, not mine. I didn’t like it at the time and pouted like an idiot which just gave people more fuel to … to think less of me than I’d like. But I was nineteen and have outgrown it and her. And I swear that is all there is to it. I have no clue why people keep bringing it up any more than I understand why they are forever making such a big deal out of Alex and I being twins. Just because it is a big deal for some people doesn’t mean those situations have to be a big deal for everyone. Including me. Understand?”
“Not particularly but if that means that I don’t have to step on eggshells around her then fine. She sure don’t like me none but I thought it was because of you so I tried to … uh … defuse the situation so there wouldn’t be trouble.”
“Patty could care less about me. She loves Alex just like everyone else. She’s probably just upset about the entire situation.” He turned to Saul. “Patty needs to know the truth too. I’ve already talked to Andrew and he agrees. So does David. Dad is still sticking his fingers in his ears and going la-la-la. The only way you people are going to be able to get the Alex back you want is to make sure none of this gets swept under the rug or it is just going to fester and maybe happen again. You know how Alex can be about people … if he doesn’t have any reason to respect them, he doesn’t.”
To me he said, “In the bed … willing or not that’s where you are going to go. If you won’t do it for yourself then do it for Bean.”
Well, I couldn’t fight him there and I wasn’t up for any more fighting of any kind to be honest. I was all wore out again. I must have fallen asleep and when I woke up everyone was gone … or at least I thought so. I didn’t need to go to the bathroom but lying in bed wondering what was going on gave me an upset stomach so I got up and walked around. The door was closed so I knew they meant for me to stay in the bedroom.
Bean, this bedroom is about the nicest place I’ve ever been … at least that I can remember. There is real wood on the wall and on the floor too. The bed is a real bed and it is up off the floor. There’s other furniture in the room too and I was real tempted to go snooping but I didn’t. I was messing with the window and I thought I’d broken it until I figured out it opened and closed and could lock and unlock. Me playing with the window let Roman and his sister Vicki know I was awake. When Mrs. Beauchamp isn’t around Vicki is as bossy as she is but eventually she left and it was just Roman and me.
“You up to finishing our deal?”
“I guess.”
“I wish I could make it easier on you.”
“Don’t worry about that and just spit it out.”
“You … you should sit down.”
“That bad?”
“I have a feeling you’re going to think so.” He sighed. “Andrew is being a total butthead. I don’t care if he is a preacher that doesn’t exempt him from being one. And after Mom got all the facts … she’s mortified. And she’s really angry too but doesn’t know who to be angriest at.”
“It isn’t exactly her business.”
“Mom tends to make stuff her business. Most of the time that’s a good thing. This time? She’s … she’s hurting. I know you don’t think so but she is.”
“I never said she wasn’t hurting. I … well she’s just more angry than hurt from what I can tell. And I don’t want to be in the blast zone when she blows.”
“She … she won’t blow. Mom doesn’t. Ever. She just gets … brittle … to deal with. But right now it is Andrew being the biggest …”
“Butthead?”
“Yeah,” he sighed. “Thorn if it isn’t me they’ll make it someone else. It’s the rules.”
“Taking responsibility for Bean?”
“Yeah. But … more than that. They expect the baby … look they are at least admitting that the baby is Alex’s.”
“I told you …”
“It’s just a figure of speech. I’m in one hundred percent agreement that Alex isn’t ever going to have anything to do with Bean or you so drop that off your radar. I’ll move us further up the mountain if they try that route.”
“I’ll fight if they try that route.”
“You won’t have to. They think Alex will change his spots … he won’t. I think he’s gone too far to come back. Andrew wants there to be absolution and redemption. It’s the other he said that has created this situation.”
“What other?”
“He says that if they’re gonna do that for Alex they have to do it for you. Which is right but instead of just giving it they want to actively make it.”
“Uh … what’s that mean?”
“The rules of the enclave have to be followed but the family’s reputation is at stake also. So not only do the rules have to be followed but the whole situation needs to be whitewashed.”
“Are … are they going to disappear me? Like they do in the city?”
“No! No they are not. They … they say the baby has to be born a Beauchamp. The only unattached male Beauchamp besides me is a cousin that is already seeing a girl who he plans to marry. And Peter … but it’s a toss up as to who would kill who first, you or Peter. He means well – in a dumbass older brother way – and he would do it but neither of you would be happy. Ever.”
“What … what are you … they …?”
“Easy Thorn. Trust me I know how this sounds.”
“I bet you don’t.”
“I bet I do. I’ve been listening to them go at it almost since we arrived. On top of the rest of it Missy and Mom have had their first big blow up ever. Usually they are in lock step about stuff. Missy says you are too young – which I agree with except you don’t act young – and too traumatized – which I worry about – to even be considering this. Missy really got mad and even Vicki had a few things to say about it. Patty is in some kind of denial which is sort of expected I guess but all her hysterics did was add to the noise. What a nightmare.”
“Roman? Exactly what kind of deal are we talking about? This isn’t … well … it doesn’t sound like what I had been thinking we were talking about.”
“A deal that if you don’t accept it they’ll send you off to the mines to work as a housekeeper or something like that, then they’d try and take Bean away and raise him or her as a Beauchamp directly. Only, regardless of what you decide, I won’t let that happen. Like I said, we’ll move up the mountain and to … and to hell with ‘em. I promised to look after you and Bean.”
“Roman?”
“It would be common law. We don’t believe in having the government get involved in this stuff. But there is no denying that problems could come from that, your age for one thing if it gets out.”
“Roman?”
“And for … uh … what?”
Quietly I asked, “Is this … a contract? Are you going to own me? Like Alex? For how long?”
“No! Definitely not that … at least not like that. And we’ll own each other. Basically as for how long? It’s … it’s supposed to be forever. Um … are you going to puke? You look funny.”
“No, I don’t think so.” Hesitantly I asked, “I wouldn’t ever have to have to be with any other man? Ever?”
“That’s … er … the general idea. And I wouldn’t be with anyone else either.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Why would you say yes to this?”
“I … Thorn I just am. I don’t … look, thinking about it being anyone else is just not acceptable. I promised to take care of Bean … and you … not some other guy. I keep my promises.”
“What happens when Bean is old enough to take care of themselves?”
“What if we decide to … to have more Beans?”
“What if I’m only good for one Bean? What happens?”
“I don’t know. What if you don’t want to have Beans with me after you’ve had this one?”
“I … I never thought about anyone wanting to have Beans with me. And thinking too many tomorrows ahead makes me want to puke again.”
“What about the tomrrows you can think about? You have a problem spending them with me?”
“Would we fight like we do now?”
“Eh … I won’t lie, probably some. But I’ll do my part to try and keep it to a minimum. What about you?”
“I … I …” It was the biggest deal I have ever brokered Bean. Seriously.
“Thorn I’d give you time but …”
“They want the mess cleared up, swept away, and out of sight?”
“I hate to admit the truth of it but yeah. That’s exactly how they see things.”
“And it makes it easier on them that you … that you’re the one willing to fall on your sword?”
“Huh?”
“I read it in a magazine article once. I think it means if you sacrifice yourself, you take all the blame and bad things with you.”
“Let ‘em think that if they can. I’m doing this for Bean … and you … and maybe me too. This is something I know I can do. Maybe it’s the one thing I can be good at. I’ll try. No … I will do it right. I just need the chance Thorn.”
I looked at Roman, I mean really looked at him Bean. Looked at him beyond what he looks like on the outside which isn’t all that hard to look at to tell the truth about it. But he’s the kind of man that always bothered me. He’s the kind that would want to be nice and would wind up hurt when all I do is fight.
“Roman, are you forgetting something?”
“What?”
“I’m a whore. Do I really need to explain to you what that means? I’m sure Alex …”
“Stop.”
“No. I can’t let you do this. I know whores are supposed to be ruthless and ..”
“Thorn I said stop. Now. I’m not sacrificing nothing to do this. I don’t have anything to lose.”
“Yes you do. Family and reputation and …”
He took me by my shoulders and made me sit in one of the chairs and he sat in the other facing me. Then we really got down to it.
Mrs. Beauchamp must be the kind of woman that is the one that likes to give the orders. “Roman Douglas Beauchamp.”
“Mom, don’t take this the wrong way but your way isn’t going to work here. Neither is Dad’s or Andrew’s … and Peter better just back off all together before him and me get into it again. Saul probably understands better and even he don’t get it all the way. Thorn and I will work this out, make a deal that works for us and the enclave and then everyone can go back to doing what they want to do.”
“And Alex? He’s left with this … this … scar … trauma …”
“Mom, you and I are just going to have to disagree on this. Alex was wrong. Talk to Dad if he can even bring himself to tell you. If not … Saul you do it. Someone needs to but she won’t believe it if it comes from me.”
“Hey! I said …”
Roman turned around and very quietly said, “Your story isn’t going to get spread around. I don’t think they dare … for lots of reasons. But Mom needs to know. It’s not fair to keep her in the dark. Not about this. And she needs to know for Bean’s sake too. It might make a difference. Mom is always up in arms about young girls having babies and you fall into that category.”
“What do you mean she falls into that category?”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t worry about it Mrs. Beauchamp. Roman is just hypersensitive. It’s not his fault and it isn’t anyone’s fault that is still around to kick around about it.”
“Excuse me?” she said like I was trying to fool her on purpose. Honestly Bean, that woman doesn’t know when to give it up already.
Roman interrupted. “Saul, take her to Dad. I don’t know, maybe they can work it out between them or something. Just give me some space to try and make a deal with Thorn.”
Saul sighed and said, “Patty is around here someplace.”
“What?! Oh that’s just great. More for Alex to come unglued about.”
I patted his arm. “I told her she probably wasn’t supposed to come around and I was nice about it. Ask your mom. I know she’s … something … to you I mean.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?’
“I told you I could tell about people – human nature and all that – and Alex was having too much fun just egging you on about it and a couple of other people have let her name drop. Now I know she is Alex’s wife so that must mean there is a story there but that’s none of my business. But my business IS making sure you don’t think I’d get into your business and stir trouble so …”
Roman just shook his head. “You are a piece of work. And we might as well get this out in the open right now before witnesses so you don’t get all sorts of dumb ideas and this just gets harder. Yes, Patty and I were sitting on her uncle’s porch together after she came to live with him. At least before Alex started showing up and then pushed me out of the way. Patty is a sweet and likable girl, and she wasn’t always treated very nice in her father’s house and I tried to … to make her feel better. But I went and read too much into the time we spent together. I … I thought there was more to it than there was and what went down was Patty’s choice, not mine. I didn’t like it at the time and pouted like an idiot which just gave people more fuel to … to think less of me than I’d like. But I was nineteen and have outgrown it and her. And I swear that is all there is to it. I have no clue why people keep bringing it up any more than I understand why they are forever making such a big deal out of Alex and I being twins. Just because it is a big deal for some people doesn’t mean those situations have to be a big deal for everyone. Including me. Understand?”
“Not particularly but if that means that I don’t have to step on eggshells around her then fine. She sure don’t like me none but I thought it was because of you so I tried to … uh … defuse the situation so there wouldn’t be trouble.”
“Patty could care less about me. She loves Alex just like everyone else. She’s probably just upset about the entire situation.” He turned to Saul. “Patty needs to know the truth too. I’ve already talked to Andrew and he agrees. So does David. Dad is still sticking his fingers in his ears and going la-la-la. The only way you people are going to be able to get the Alex back you want is to make sure none of this gets swept under the rug or it is just going to fester and maybe happen again. You know how Alex can be about people … if he doesn’t have any reason to respect them, he doesn’t.”
To me he said, “In the bed … willing or not that’s where you are going to go. If you won’t do it for yourself then do it for Bean.”
Well, I couldn’t fight him there and I wasn’t up for any more fighting of any kind to be honest. I was all wore out again. I must have fallen asleep and when I woke up everyone was gone … or at least I thought so. I didn’t need to go to the bathroom but lying in bed wondering what was going on gave me an upset stomach so I got up and walked around. The door was closed so I knew they meant for me to stay in the bedroom.
Bean, this bedroom is about the nicest place I’ve ever been … at least that I can remember. There is real wood on the wall and on the floor too. The bed is a real bed and it is up off the floor. There’s other furniture in the room too and I was real tempted to go snooping but I didn’t. I was messing with the window and I thought I’d broken it until I figured out it opened and closed and could lock and unlock. Me playing with the window let Roman and his sister Vicki know I was awake. When Mrs. Beauchamp isn’t around Vicki is as bossy as she is but eventually she left and it was just Roman and me.
“You up to finishing our deal?”
“I guess.”
“I wish I could make it easier on you.”
“Don’t worry about that and just spit it out.”
“You … you should sit down.”
“That bad?”
“I have a feeling you’re going to think so.” He sighed. “Andrew is being a total butthead. I don’t care if he is a preacher that doesn’t exempt him from being one. And after Mom got all the facts … she’s mortified. And she’s really angry too but doesn’t know who to be angriest at.”
“It isn’t exactly her business.”
“Mom tends to make stuff her business. Most of the time that’s a good thing. This time? She’s … she’s hurting. I know you don’t think so but she is.”
“I never said she wasn’t hurting. I … well she’s just more angry than hurt from what I can tell. And I don’t want to be in the blast zone when she blows.”
“She … she won’t blow. Mom doesn’t. Ever. She just gets … brittle … to deal with. But right now it is Andrew being the biggest …”
“Butthead?”
“Yeah,” he sighed. “Thorn if it isn’t me they’ll make it someone else. It’s the rules.”
“Taking responsibility for Bean?”
“Yeah. But … more than that. They expect the baby … look they are at least admitting that the baby is Alex’s.”
“I told you …”
“It’s just a figure of speech. I’m in one hundred percent agreement that Alex isn’t ever going to have anything to do with Bean or you so drop that off your radar. I’ll move us further up the mountain if they try that route.”
“I’ll fight if they try that route.”
“You won’t have to. They think Alex will change his spots … he won’t. I think he’s gone too far to come back. Andrew wants there to be absolution and redemption. It’s the other he said that has created this situation.”
“What other?”
“He says that if they’re gonna do that for Alex they have to do it for you. Which is right but instead of just giving it they want to actively make it.”
“Uh … what’s that mean?”
“The rules of the enclave have to be followed but the family’s reputation is at stake also. So not only do the rules have to be followed but the whole situation needs to be whitewashed.”
“Are … are they going to disappear me? Like they do in the city?”
“No! No they are not. They … they say the baby has to be born a Beauchamp. The only unattached male Beauchamp besides me is a cousin that is already seeing a girl who he plans to marry. And Peter … but it’s a toss up as to who would kill who first, you or Peter. He means well – in a dumbass older brother way – and he would do it but neither of you would be happy. Ever.”
“What … what are you … they …?”
“Easy Thorn. Trust me I know how this sounds.”
“I bet you don’t.”
“I bet I do. I’ve been listening to them go at it almost since we arrived. On top of the rest of it Missy and Mom have had their first big blow up ever. Usually they are in lock step about stuff. Missy says you are too young – which I agree with except you don’t act young – and too traumatized – which I worry about – to even be considering this. Missy really got mad and even Vicki had a few things to say about it. Patty is in some kind of denial which is sort of expected I guess but all her hysterics did was add to the noise. What a nightmare.”
“Roman? Exactly what kind of deal are we talking about? This isn’t … well … it doesn’t sound like what I had been thinking we were talking about.”
“A deal that if you don’t accept it they’ll send you off to the mines to work as a housekeeper or something like that, then they’d try and take Bean away and raise him or her as a Beauchamp directly. Only, regardless of what you decide, I won’t let that happen. Like I said, we’ll move up the mountain and to … and to hell with ‘em. I promised to look after you and Bean.”
“Roman?”
“It would be common law. We don’t believe in having the government get involved in this stuff. But there is no denying that problems could come from that, your age for one thing if it gets out.”
“Roman?”
“And for … uh … what?”
Quietly I asked, “Is this … a contract? Are you going to own me? Like Alex? For how long?”
“No! Definitely not that … at least not like that. And we’ll own each other. Basically as for how long? It’s … it’s supposed to be forever. Um … are you going to puke? You look funny.”
“No, I don’t think so.” Hesitantly I asked, “I wouldn’t ever have to have to be with any other man? Ever?”
“That’s … er … the general idea. And I wouldn’t be with anyone else either.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Why would you say yes to this?”
“I … Thorn I just am. I don’t … look, thinking about it being anyone else is just not acceptable. I promised to take care of Bean … and you … not some other guy. I keep my promises.”
“What happens when Bean is old enough to take care of themselves?”
“What if we decide to … to have more Beans?”
“What if I’m only good for one Bean? What happens?”
“I don’t know. What if you don’t want to have Beans with me after you’ve had this one?”
“I … I never thought about anyone wanting to have Beans with me. And thinking too many tomorrows ahead makes me want to puke again.”
“What about the tomrrows you can think about? You have a problem spending them with me?”
“Would we fight like we do now?”
“Eh … I won’t lie, probably some. But I’ll do my part to try and keep it to a minimum. What about you?”
“I … I …” It was the biggest deal I have ever brokered Bean. Seriously.
“Thorn I’d give you time but …”
“They want the mess cleared up, swept away, and out of sight?”
“I hate to admit the truth of it but yeah. That’s exactly how they see things.”
“And it makes it easier on them that you … that you’re the one willing to fall on your sword?”
“Huh?”
“I read it in a magazine article once. I think it means if you sacrifice yourself, you take all the blame and bad things with you.”
“Let ‘em think that if they can. I’m doing this for Bean … and you … and maybe me too. This is something I know I can do. Maybe it’s the one thing I can be good at. I’ll try. No … I will do it right. I just need the chance Thorn.”
I looked at Roman, I mean really looked at him Bean. Looked at him beyond what he looks like on the outside which isn’t all that hard to look at to tell the truth about it. But he’s the kind of man that always bothered me. He’s the kind that would want to be nice and would wind up hurt when all I do is fight.
“Roman, are you forgetting something?”
“What?”
“I’m a whore. Do I really need to explain to you what that means? I’m sure Alex …”
“Stop.”
“No. I can’t let you do this. I know whores are supposed to be ruthless and ..”
“Thorn I said stop. Now. I’m not sacrificing nothing to do this. I don’t have anything to lose.”
“Yes you do. Family and reputation and …”
He took me by my shoulders and made me sit in one of the chairs and he sat in the other facing me. Then we really got down to it.
beaglemama
Contributing Member
Thanks, Kathy!
Jeepcats27
Senior Member
Now reading new stuff into each chapter, thank you
sssarawolf
Has No Life - Lives on TB
Thank you very much Kathy.
Chapter Twenty-One
“Thorn, as hard as it is for you to tell your story, it’s going to be hard for me to tell mine. Not for the same reasons of course but …”
“OK, just tell it.”
It took him a minute to spit it out. “Mom … she had never wanted to get pregnant again when she got caught with Alex and me. She was getting older and wanted to focus on her career.”
“She should have thought of that when she started banging so many kids out.”
“She and Dad did. They had an agreement. They’d have their quiversful and then she’d go back to her career full time. Vicki was five , Mom was forty when her luck ran out.”
“That’s not what ran out. Sounds more like they ran out of condoms.”
“Er … no. The church my dad grew up in and he and Mom attended back then really didn’t believe in … uh … artificial birth control. And that’s fine for people that really feel strongly about that sort of thing. Mom … didn’t. She went along with it originally because … well for Dad and because she liked being pregnant when she was younger or so I’ve heard. But she drew the line after Vicki, it wasn’t fun anymore. Dad kept promising to go get fixed but never did and Mom didn’t want to take the time off work declaring that Dad could be responsible for it. Dad really didn’t want more kids either because he’d looked around at the world and didn’t like the direction things were going. He got involved with … with some people.”
“Became part of something bigger?”
“It wasn’t at the time. Mom says mostly they were just a bunch of good ol’ boys having BS sessions to relieve some stress. The big stuff grew out of that later. Basically, Dad didn’t want any more responsibilities than he already figured he was going to have with a career wife, seven kids, and the hog farm and hunting club he ran. Plus, there was the economy, stiff regulations, and fruity animal-rights people to deal with.”
“But your mom got knocked up anyway.”
“Yeah. Plus, she found out it was a two for one sale. Fast forward and things are ok … even great in their eyes. Alex and I were two and he starts reading and showing signs of being a genius. They kept waiting for me …”
“The twin.”
“Yeah. They kept waiting for me to catch up or show some other extraordinary talent. All my brothers and sisters started school early and excelled in school, sports, socially … you name it.”
“But not you.”
“Nope. They finally gave up and … just … I was like the one no one ever talked about. A lot of kids in school didn’t even know I was related to the big Beauchamp clan with all the great kids. I even wound up going to a ‘special’ school for a while. You have any idea what it is like to be a boy and not even being able to take the written driver’s test, fill out a job application … even read the stupid eye chart? I dropped out of school as soon as I was legally able to and wound up a field hand on Dad’s farm … but … I can’t even read a list of chores.”
“You must have a really good memory.”
“Whu …?”
“I said you must have a really good memory since you don’t write anything down.”
“Uh …”
“What next?”
“Oh. Er … I had already dropped out of school by the time the revenuers – backed by the IRS and the government – started confiscating assets of farmers and cattlemen. The first time it happened in our area it was a good friend of Dad’s who ran a fish farm. They used some crappy environment laws and shut his operation down and put him and his brother and son in jail for contempt … eventually convicted them of assault on federal officers and we never heard from them again. But you know what? That place reopened less than a month later; it had been bought at auction by some environmental group who ran it into the ground in less than six months. While that was going on it seemed the revenuers were picking farms off one by one and putting them under new management and instituting price controls and things like that. I’m not going to give you a history lesson, but Dad was hooked in deep with … like-minded people … and he started taking action. By the time they came for us there wasn’t anything but the land to take. Dad and David had even dismantled all the outbuildings and the main house. A few years earlier Dad and some friends had created a shell company and bought this old derelict logging land and in the guise of rehabilitating it for the forestry service. It fooled enough people for long enough that we fell off the radar and were safe … or as safe as you could get … so long as we were careful. And we’ve stayed that way. The revenuers are still a problem but because their activities are no longer sanctioned politically or legally – though they still operate pretty much how they want to – we can keep them under control using the same methods you talked about for those dust bunnies you mentioned.”
“Ok. What has all that got to do with you? It sounds like you’re involved in something big … and maybe important.”
“Who me? Heck no. Pretty much I’m still just a field hand … a gopher for whoever needs one. It was going to change if I had hooked up with Patty because her and Fletcher’s uncle runs the construction end of things in the enclave and that’s where I was working at the time. Mr. Devlin even used to say I had potential.”
“Used to?”
“Like I said, I didn’t take the break up too good and burnt a few too many bridges. Fletcher is still a damn good friend and back then is who kept me from totally self-destructing by getting me this place to rehab.”
“Wait, you built this place?”
“No. My job was to make it livable for when someone would need to move into it. No one has yet so it just sort of sat here and I’d work on it whenever I was at loose ends or needed to get away. Needs work again but mostly just cleaning.”
“Wow.”
“Wow what?”
“What do you mean wow what? I’ve never lived in a place as nice as this and you’re the one that did it.”
“Er … anyway …”
“But your family must have thought you could keep an eye on Alex. You were on him like white on rice. He hated having to be careful when you were around. You should have heard him cuss. It really cramped his style.”
“Actually, I wasn’t supposed to. Alex wrote Dad and said I was creating problems for the business and that it was my fault revenue was going down. I was impeding his ability to do business. I called him a liar; something just felt off. I was able to get some evidence on him but Alex claimed that I had hired someone to fabricate it for me. Then that thing with the loan shark and I reported it to Dad and David and got blamed for that too because apparently Alex had been forced to put his personal safety on the line to meet other contracts.”
“Sounds like someone BSing their way out of trouble if you ask me.”
“Did to me too. And not just me. A couple of people the family acts as middlemen for heard and got concerned.”
“Also blamed on you.”
“Also blamed on me. I was ‘stirring trouble’ to get back at Alex over Patty or something stupid like that. And that’s where Fletcher comes into it. He’s a real good guy and thought I had some grounds for concern. Plus, he’s training under Saul and has business experience from working with his uncle. Everyone agreed he was just the guy to prove how wrong I was.”
“Only he proved the exact opposite.”
“And then some which really made things worse and harder and somehow that was my fault too. Especially from what I hear when they learned about you … and then about Bean. Dad and David are under some serious pressure. People they’ve done business with for years are asking to see our books, questioning our loyalty to the enclave, questioning how long the problems have been going on.”
“Are they right?”
“No. Things look ok until about six months ago.”
“About the time that Alex …”
“Thorn, did Alex rape you?”
I laughed but it wasn’t cause things were funny. “You can’t rape a whore.”
“Like hell. And don’t call yourself that.”
“Roman this is old news. It is what it is. If anything it just proves my point that ..”
“Don’t start that again. What I’m trying to tell you is that I’m at the end of my rope and I don’t have too much reason anymore to tie a knot at the end and hold on. I loved my grandfather, but I don’t want to wind up like him and I’ve come damn close to picking up a bottle the last few months … feeling like I did after Patty chose Alex. And every time I feel it coming on the feeling is harder to get rid of. I honestly like the oblivion a good drunk gives you.”
“You’re saying … uh … that saving Bean is saving you.”
“Pretty much. I’ll never be what my brothers are. It just isn’t in me. But the road my grandfather took isn’t the answer either. I gotta find something different. I tried the city; it isn’t for me. I’ve tried working with the family; I’m tired of being everyone’s less man. I feel … I feel like this is the last solid opportunity I’ll have.”
He got up and went to go stand and look out the window. “We could both start over. I know you’ve got a lot of crap to deal with. I don’t expect you to just suddenly flip the switch and be ok with everything that has happened to you. And no I don’t like to think about it and I may say dumb things sometimes … but I’ll try and do it as little as possible. And I know I can’t make what happened just go away and it’s going to take time to figure out the bedroom stuff. If you want to know the truth of it I feel kind of desperate and pathetic about coming to you like this. How the hell am I supposed to measure up against all those men that paid for the privilege of having you?”
“Roman? If you’re keeping tabs, that was a dumb thing to say.”
“Huh?”
I sighed. “Men weren’t paying for the privilege of having me. They paid by the minute to use me. And it wasn’t me they paid but Mother Mary … my pimp. I might be all used up. I may have willingly accepted the contract with Alex at the time but that’s before I found out I was going to be locked up even worse, only by then it was too late. I was relieved when he stopped using me. Sometimes it was a relief just to be forgotten even if it meant going hungry.”
“They’re predicting a bad year. Winter might last all the way into May. It’ll mean spending a lot of time together indoors. You think you might could handle that?”
“If I can put up with my own company I can stand yours. But what would we do?”
“Fletcher talked his uncle around and they’ll let me take the worst of the broken furniture off their hands to rehab and make of it what I can. I also run trap lines and work hides and furs in season.”
“Where’d you learn to do that?”
“On the farm. Health codes kept us from being able to use the most effective poisons so a lot of the infestations had to be taken care of and controlled by hand. Then some of the hunt club members only wanted the meat and I watched videos on how to tan and things like that … you know … grunt work. But lately it has been a way for me to be independent. I’ve got enough to set us up but it’ll be tight.”
“I don’t want to be a kept woman no more.”
His shoulders slumped. “Oh.”
“I’ll only do this if one of the conditions is that I’m not just kept … but that … that I’m a partner and get to have a say in things. ‘Cause I can buy my way in.”
“Huh?”
I was taking a chance Bean, a real chance. I know it. But Roman had dealt fair and square to that point so I decided to. I got my bag. “First off, I never paid for the food I used up. Here,” I said handing him what I’d set aside to pay for things. “Next, it’s not much of a buy in because Emerald said Alex was cheap but here, this is what I could save back once Emerald got her cut. She owed me the last month’s accounting but I’m thinking I can forget ever seeing it. Is this enough for me to buy in as a partner in this deal?”
Chapter Twenty-Two
“A … a partner?”
“Yeah. Is that enough for me to buy in and be partners with you? This way … I’m not … you know … kept. We start out a little closer to the same footing though I don’t have to be the head partner or anything. You see … uh … we’ll be throwing in together. You don’t have to … be on the hot end of the skillet by yourself and I know … you won’t just …”
“Break the deal?”
“Yeah. Exactly,” I answered relieved.
“Ok, this last part you may not like but I … I gotta know.”
“Uh …”
“Do you think … could you let me … I mean I need to know if … aw hell. I just need to know if we can work … the other … you know if you can stand me to … uh …”
“What is it you want?”
“Look, you don’t have to if you don’t feel up to it. I just think it’s better if we know up front.”
Bean, I was thinking a lot of possibilities but I didn’t expect the one he wanted.
“A kiss?! That’s what you want?”
“Forget it. You probably don’t feel up to it. I should have …”
“Roman.”
“It was stupid to even …”
“Roman.”
“Really. What was I thinking?!”
“Roman!”
“Huh?”
“You can have whatever you want. I’ll even … well … be willing. I mean I won’t fight and that’s something I’ve never been is willing … with anyone no matter how much they paid to use me. Just don’t be mad if you’re disappointed. One of the house rules was no kissing customers. Mother Mary said it caused emotional attachments and that those caused jealousies and other problems. So I don’t have a good idea how it’s supposed to work so maybe you should pick something else.”
Roman swallowed a couple of times and his voice cracked when he said, “No. No I think we should try a kiss.”
“Ok, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Bean it sure did take him a long time to start. First he locked the door, then the bedroom door, then he put a blanket over the window. Then because it was dark he tripped over the chair and wrapped his foot around the headboard and hopped around cussing almost as good as the customers would when they couldn’t pay and Mother Mary had Brian toss ‘em out on their heads. Then he had to figure out where we were going to sit. He wound up pulling his chair right next to the one I had been sitting in and then he just sort of sat there for a while.
I’d never seen a man so nervous, not even the boys that would sometimes get brought by their dads or big brothers.
“Uh … can I … can I …”
“Roman, what are you waiting for?”
“Can I put my arm around you?”
I thought about it. “How about we sit like when we were on the horse? This way you don’t fall out of the chair.”
“Uh … you sure?”
“I’m the one that brought it up.”
Roman may be a slow starter but he finally got going and almost settled down. I was worried about him though. His breath started to make a strange whistling sound and I was getting concerned I was too fat and was squashing him. I was about to ask him when there was this terrific pounding on the door. It reminded me of the guy who kept track of the time and he’d bang on the rooms if the men were trying to get free minutes.
Roman stood up so fast I slid to the floor. He was caught between feeling bad and checking on me and grabbing for his gun when a man shouted, “Roman!! Boy, ya done yet?!”
“I’m gonna kill him. I don’t care what Andrew says I am going to kill him so dead.”
I grabbed his leg before he could stalk away. “Help me up and we can go kill whoever it is together.”
“Huh?”
“Partners remember?”
Chapter Twenty-Three
“Peter, it really isn’t appropriate to yell that kind of thing,” a man sighed.
Roman and I had left quietly by the back door to come around front to see who all was there.
“You know what the punk and the slut are doing. You consider that appropriate?”
Roman looked like he was about to explode. I was in the mood for a fight so I opened the dance. “Watch out, your morals are showing.” The two men jumped and spun around. “All Roman and I were discussing was the arrangement your brother Andrew there seems so insistent on. Obviously he should turn his preaching on you instead.”
Andrew surprised me by smiling and saying, “It hasn’t done much good up to this point. How do you do Narcissa?”
I looked at Roman who scowled and said, “She prefers to be called Thorn.”
“Oh but Narcissa is so much nicer.” He must have gotten a good look at my face because he added, “Child that life is over for you. You can be something fresh and new.”
“Well I can’t be Narcissa, that girl is gone for good, but if you don’t like Thorn pick something else. Just don’t make it Dinah or Tamar. Some things I don’t want to be known for.”
Andrew paled and swallowed. Guess he must have thought the rumors about my parents being missionaries were false. “I’ll … endeavor to find a few names for you to consider.”
Peter looked suspicious and snapped, “What are you going on about?”
It was Andrew who said, “Nothing. Let us finish our business and …”
“Nothing doing. I want to know what she …”
I looked at Peter and told him, “Read your Bible. And do like your brother said and get to your business.”
Peter looked ready to argue some more but Roman asked me, “You ok?”
“May I sit down? Bean is bouncing around.”
“Yeah. And you shouldn’t be out with no coat. I’ll get …”
“No. I’m fine. I just want to sit down.”
“Peter set up that other stump so I can set this cross piece across them.” When it was done he said, “Now you sit down. You got that funny color again.”
I wasn’t playacting Bean. It seems fighting takes more energy than it used to. Or maybe you just don’t like it or something. Either way I wasn’t feeling too good.
Roman looked at his brothers and said, “State your business, it’s getting late and she needs to go back inside.”
Peter said, “You’re turning into a frisky little peckerwood aren’t you?”
Roman got angry and Andrew muttered, “Peter, enough.”
I stopped Roman who looked like he was ready to bust Peter a good one. I told him, “It’s me. You and him might not always get along but he still doesn’t want to see his baby brother hooked up with a dock whore.”
“Dammit, that wasn’t your choice. You were only ten when you were stolen and then Alex had you locked up and watched and sometimes forgot to feed you!”
“Roman this isn’t going to work if you pay me in pity instead of us being partners. I agreed that we’d try not and fuss so much but you feeling sorry for me is just going to make me ornery and fight more.”
Roman was stiff and ground his teeth before bending down beside where I sat. “I don’t feel sorry for you. I’m sorry that it happened to you. And … I can’t … I can’t forgive him for … for betraying what the family is supposed to stand for. And then lying about it and all the rest of it.”
Taking a chance I put my hand on his balled up fist. “You can’t change the past. All you can do is not repeat it. I’ve already told you I’m not ever going back that way. No one can make me. But don’t make me live with the pain of breaking up your family either. I can almost remember what having a real family is like. I know what it is supposed to feel like. And I haven’t known you long or much but I know that it’s seeing things you’d rather not see in your family that is hurting you the most. Just let it go.”
“There’s things I can’t let go. Things you shouldn’t just pass on.”
“Ok, then start by letting some things go. I am. And if I can then you can.”
Roman growled and then plunked down on the temporary bench he sat me on and turned to his brothers who were eyeing us like we were little green men and said, “Who wants what?”
Quietly Andrew answered, “The Council wants to know if the situation has been handled.”
Roman looked at me and asked, “Is it handled?”
I asked, “Are we partners?”
He nodded. I stuck my hand out and we shook on it. Then I turned to the brothers and said, “It’s handled.”
Jeepcats27
Senior Member
thank you for all the new chapters! A nice surprise!
sssarawolf
Has No Life - Lives on TB
Oh sweet, thnk you.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“Your mom pretty much gets her way about things doesn’t she?” I asked watching Roman take several boxes of supplies that his brothers had brought with them down to what he called the cellar.
“Yeah, pretty much is right,” he said coming up for the last time before going over to the stove and stirring a pot of what he said was stew. “I’m pretty sure Lizzie made this. She’s the only one I know that puts them little things – capers – in her stews. As for Mom, she’s convinced herself this is what’s going to make things right.”
“Well, right for Bean … and us … but how does it make the rest of it right? I’m just not seeing it.”
“It doesn’t but there’s no telling her that until she comes to the conclusion herself. And Alex is going to go bonkers when he finds out that you aren’t going to the mines and that you’ve been accepted as family.”
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
“You don’t think Alex is going to go bonkers?”
“Alex already is bonkers. No one sane messes up this bad when they have a family like yours.”
“Uh …”
“That’s a good thing, your family I mean. I was talking about me being accepted. Look at Peter.”
“Look at Andrew … and Mom. When the two of them get determined to pull something off smart people just get out of the way.”
I shrugged. “Just don’t get your feelings hurt.”
“I don’t want your feelings hurt.”
“I don’t have those kinds of feelings.”
“I don’t want to sleep on the floor.”
I took me a moment to figure out he really had said what I thought he’d said. “Huh?” I asked confused.
“There’s only the one bed. And the floor is cold and hard. I’d rather not sleep in the front room on the sofa because that will mean heating both fireplaces and with snow coming I’d rather conserve wood. Not to mention the sofa is musty and hard. Nearly as bad as the floor.”
“Ok.”
“Uh, that means sharing the bed.”
“Ok.”
“You sure you’re listening?”
“Yeah. Did you want to kiss again? I’m not sure. You sounded like I was squashing the air out of you. If you want to try something else we …”
“Ow! God bless it! That’s hot!”
He’d grabbed the pot with his bare hand. I got up and he finally let me look at it. “I don’t think it’s gonna blister. You might want to be more careful though.”
“Yeah. Well … uh … you wanna eat?”
“Ok.”
We were eating with I realized something. “Uh oh.”
“Uh oh what? Is it the baby?!! I’ll go get …”
“Roman your hair’s on fire again. I just meant I don’t know how to cook. I remember some things, but Mother Mary kept me in the office mostly. Is there a book that teaches that stuff?”
He got a closed off look. “I wouldn’t know.”
“Ok, geez. I hate to ask … is there anybody that could teach me?”
Peevishly he asked, “Did you ever think of asking me?”
“You? Oh thank goodness. I’d rather it be you than someone else. I think I’d be sick if it was your mom. Now what can I trade … let me think … no, that’s not good enough … we’ll you’ll get that anyway … duh! I know! Wait, no, you’ll get that too.”
Roman’s face had progressively gotten more stupefied and his ears had gotten redder. Then I asked, “What would you take for teaching me to cook?”
His voice cracked, “Uh, it’s no big deal …”
“Oh no, we’re partners. Even stevens remember? So what’ll you take?”
“Thorn you really shouldn’t … uh … ask a man …”
“I’m not asking just any man. I’m not interested in just any man teaching me to … cook. I’m asking you. You can have anything I have to give.”
Roman’s breathing started to sound funny again and he jumped up, almost knocked over his chair, then bolted for the door saying, “I need to get wood in.”
“Roman, you need to think about it ‘cause I really need to learn to cook.”
“Aw gawd, I’ll think about it all right. Just … gotta … go …”
Bean, I know it was kinda wrong to tease him. I do. He’s just so … so teasable. But I almost laughed when I heard him nearly fall off the porch. I’d never done it before, never wanted to before, but there was just something about watching Roman’s ears turn red and his eyes glaze over that made my insides squirm worse than you do.
Chapter Twenty-Five
“You sure this is ok?”
“Roman?”
“What?”
“Do you want to kiss or not.”
“Thorn!”
“What? I thought you …”
“I know what you think I’m thinking. And God help me I am. But geez. I don’t want you to think it’s the only reason. And then there’s Bean.”
“Roman?”
“What?”
“Stop acting like your hair is on fire and come do whatever it takes to put it out.”
“Oh gawd. Are you sure?”
“Would you rather I prove it and kiss you first?”
“Oh gawd.”
---------------------------------------------
“I’m dead.”
“What?”
“I’m dead. There is no way for me to feel this good and still be alive.”
“Really? ‘Cause you seem pretty lively to me.”
“Thorn are you really sure? Are you really sure this is ok?”
“Roman?”
“What?”
“I think your hair needs putting out again. Need some help?”
“Aw gawd. I’m dead. That’s the only possible explanation.”
-------------------------------------
I woke up needing to go to the bathroom. I was also sore. When I tried to roll over I accidently moaned then jumped when I felt hands on me.
“Thorn?”
His clothes were scratchy against my skin. “Wha …?”
“Are you ok? Need to get up?”
“Outhouse. Now.”
“Everything is frozen. I put a bucket of sawdust in the old bathroom at the end of the hall.”
“Fine. Anything. Just NOW.”
By the time I was finished I realized I’d never been so cold. Even the mandatory winter baths at Mother Mary’s were balmy and tropical compared to this.
“Back in bed. Hey, why are you limping?”
“I … I’m sore.”
“Oh. Oh man. Are you ok? I mean …”
“Don’t. I can’t put your hair out right now. I gotta rest first.”
“That’s not what I meant. Thorn I’m so sorry. You should have said something. What can I do? Should … should I get someone?”
The idea actually made me nauseous and I shook my head and put him straight. “You didn’t hurt me. I’m always sore. Just before it’s because I fought. I’ve … I’ve never been willing before. I don’t know how to do willing right I guess,” I told him feeling depressed.
“Not … not even with …”
“Alex? No. And I don’t want to talk about the others either. Ever.”
“Oh.”
I hadn’t meant to sound so mean about it so I explained, “I’m sorry Roman. I know you don’t mean anything by it but … Roman a lot of them picked me because it got around that I’d fight. And that’s … that’s what they paid for. And they all hurt but some of them … they paid extra to hurt me extra or in different ways. I just don’t want to go back there in any way, even if it is just memories or answering innocent questions. I … I …”
“Shhh. I’m an idiot. Next time chuck something at my head. I don’t want to talk about them guys either or I might have to go find them and beat the holy living crap out of them and return their hurt with something permanent. C’mon. Get under the covers. You’re shivering. We’re going to have to do something about some warmer clothes for you.”
“I’m … I’m sorry Roman. I just need to rest.”
“Shhh …”
I must have slept a while, but it was still dark when I woke up.
“Huh?”
I jumped when Roman pulled me back under the covers. “Stay here. A storm has come up; pretty bad one. No sense in getting up. I’ll get you something to eat.”
“I’m not really hungry.”
“How about Bean? Think you could eat something for Bean?”
“I … I guess so.” Roman handed me a mug of some kind of soup but all I could say was, “I’m sorry Roman. I … I tried but I guess I’m no good at this stuff. I guess … I guess … Mother Mary was right. All I’m good for is the rough stuff. That there must be something wrong with me.”
“Hey! Don’t talk like that. Remember I said it was going to take a while to figure out the bedroom stuff? I rushed too fast. Just … dammit … I … I couldn’t seem to get you out of my head. I looked.”
“At what?”
“At you. That night. You were so wet and cold I was worried at how pale you were. I … I took you out of those clothes and wrapped you in covers. I tried not to look, tried to be a gentleman, tried to ignore Alex making comments, but I did look, and I haven’t been able to get you out of my head since. Even knowing how young you are and with a baby on the way you … you took my brain over. I’ve done nothing but think about you, dream about you. I was totally pissed and more at Alex. The more I heard the angrier I got. But I was mad for another reason. I wanted … I wanted you Thorn. Only now … now here you are and I’ve hurt you. That’s not what I set out to do.”
“I told you, you didn’t hurt me. It always hurts. There was an old woman that used to clean for Mother Mary before she got rid of her. She said I’d always hurt because I started so young and stayed small. That’s just the way it’s gonna be I guess.”
“No. It’s not gonna be that way. We’ll figure something out and it ain’t happening again until we do.”
“Roman …”
“I mean it. It’s supposed to be fun for both of us. For now, let’s just rest. You’re likely still recovering from … from all the stuff you’ve been through. And I’m just … wore out … too. There’s no one around to tell us what to do. Nothing either one of us has to do right now. Let’s just … enjoy being warm.”
He shucked out of his boots and jeans and crawled in bed with me. I wasn’t embarrassed of him looking at me which was strange because, clothes on or off, I had always hated the men looking at me including Alex.
“Your skin is so soft. Did … did I bruise you? Like on your ankle?”
“I bruise easy. I always seem to have them some place.”
“Hmmm. When I go hunting I’ll bring you back a liver. Liver is good for that sort of thing. As a matter of fact, I’m going to bring you some furs to wear. You’re so thin … you look all baby in the middle here. That’s probably why you’re so cold. Are my hands warm enough?”
“If your hands were any warmer it would be my hair on fire.”
“You’re just saying that.”
“No I’m not. It’s certainly nothing I’ve said to anyone else. But …”
“But we better not. Not until we figure out some way so that it doesn’t hurt you afterwards. C’mere. I can hold you at least so you can be warm … so we both can get warm.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Bean, you got lucky. I think we both did. It doesn’t even matter that Roman is Alex’s brother or that his other brothers can’t seem to keep their feet out of their mouths. When Roman sets his mind to something he really means it.
I’m warm. Really warm. And on all sides not just the one that is backed up to the fireplace or stove. When he said that he’d give me furs he wasn’t exaggerating. And he said I could sew them anyway I wanted to. First I made a fur hat like I’d once seen in a magazine picture. He said the fur that I picked for it was rabbit. I didn’t know rabbits could be so soft. The only rabbits I remember were short-haired and scruffy looking … and rabbits bite, I remember that much too. When I said that to Roman he said animals generally have different furs during the winter than they do during the summer which is why most of the fur trade is done in winter furs. When I told him that the rabbit fur was appropriate for a hat because I bite too he laughed. I made him laugh Bean. I don’t think I’ve ever made anyone laugh, at least not like that.
Next I made a blanket, it’s taken a couple of days but I finally finished it. It was interesting trying to fit the different furs together like a jigsaw puzzle. I lined it with an old blanket that I found in a bag of throw offs that Peter brought. That was a scene.
“We aren’t charity!” Roman snapped at Peter.
“You sure as hell are. Or so says Mom. She and the Four Terrors went over to the church’s poor closet and took out what could be spared.”
They went back and forth until I told them to stop or they could wipe up the puke from all the acid in my stomach because you didn’t like the noise they were making.
“I can work with this Roman. This is about like what Mother Mary would throw at us when she thought about it.”
Peter scowled. “Are you comparing my mother to your pimp?”
“No. Just what she did which can’t be denied so don’t try. Guess what Roman is teaching me?”
He gave a nasty grin and said, “I’d a thought it would be the other way around.”
“Peter, you’re a jerk. No wonder you’re just second-hand help. Mr. Beauchamp and David must have to dig you out of so many holes your mouth gets you into that they are lucky they don’t have civil unrest on their hands.”
“What the hell? Now listen here you …”
“He’s teaching me to cook.”
“I … uh … Roman is teaching you to cook?”
“Yeah. My understanding is most men are stupid about that stuff and won’t learn because it is women’s work. But not Roman. He’s really good and he’s a good teacher. He don’t yell and snarl and snap or anything like that. Not even when I burnt toast that first time I tried to help.”
“Uh … yeah well … Roman … I gotta go, can’t babysit you two all day.”
After Peter had lit out for the enclave proper Roman stopped and asked me, “How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Get rid of them so fast? I’ve been trying to do that for years and usually anything I try just winds up making them hang out longer and be more irritating.”
“Haven’t you noticed yet? It’s my one and only talent … running people off.” Suddenly I was depressed for no reason. “You’ll figure it out and then you’ll be running off.”
“Hey … I don’t break promises and …” He stopped and looked at me. “You don’t feel good do you. You are that funny color again. C’mon, back to bed.”
“I’m not a kid Roman.”
“No but you’re making a kid and if you listen to my sisters, it’s the damn hardest job on the planet next to raising them to behave right.”
“I’m not sure I can do that.”
“What?”
“Teaching Bean to behave so that they can get along with real people.”
“Oh don’t worry about that. We’ll figure that out together when the time comes. For right now what I’m figuring out is that you need more rest. And if you don’t mind while you’re resting I’m going hunting. I want to try that liver out on you.”
“Uh Roman …”
“Trust me Thorn.”
Strangest thing Bean. I’m pretty sure I do.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Bean he was right and I told him so. Eating the liver did seem to help. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s just his cooking or something. He laughed when I told him. I like it when he laughs like that. Like he got a good surprise.
I wish I was a different kind of woman. I wish … well it is stupid because it’s never going to happen and all I do is make myself feel bad when I think about it … like now. But it’s the truth. I wish I was all fresh and new and had all that to give to Roman. He deserves better than some dock whore. I’d forgotten that there were good men. I’d forgotten because I hadn’t wanted to think about it. Hadn’t wanted to think about what I’d never have. Only I do remember now, and I do have one that for some reason wants to be with just me even though I don’t deserve to. And I know I’m only fifteen, but I don’t feel it. A lot of the time I feel old and tired and used up. I try not to for Roman and for you too Bean, but I don’t think I’m ever going to feel fresh and new, there’s just no way. And maybe I don’t deserve it either.
It was cold yesterday but there was no snow like the Sunday before so there was no way we could get out of going to church meeting. Andrew has come by almost every day like we are a special case that he has to work extra hard on to get to keep his ticket to Heaven or something. Like he’s almost afraid to fail.
Roman was seriously angry at basically being told he and I both better be in a pew on Sunday willingly or that Mr. Beauchamp would come get us and put us there unwilling. I told Roman not to be mad because his family was afraid.
“Afraid?! Of what?!”
I still don’t understand why some things are so easy for me to see and so hard for him to see. I explained, “Being wrong. I can see it on Andrew every time he comes. He’s more and more desperate. I don’t know why I just know that is what he is.”
“Andrew? No way. He’s sure about everything.”
“Is he? I don’t think so. I think he acts like he is sure because if he isn’t sure other people might start doubting.”
“And how do you figure that?”
“I remember … sometimes I remember … the things my father would say. He wasn’t a big man like you and your brothers. He wasn’t loud. But … but he had something. People looked up to him even if they had to look down. He brought quiet into a room just by walking in … didn’t matter how crazy everything was, he just … it was almost like he wore it like a coat or something. And he could open that coat and everyone that needed to could fit inside it too. I remember him saying once that he couldn’t be any other way because people needed to see him believing in and acting the same way he told them they needed to act and what to believe in. He didn’t want to be the reason they had a … a crisis of faith. Or something like that.”
Roman was quiet for a long time. “Would you mind going to Sunday meeting? If the weather isn’t too bad?”
“I think we better. I think … I don’t know Roman. I think maybe you need to find out if anything is going on that we need to know about.”
“You’re thinking of Alex aren’t you?”
“I’d rather not but yeah … I can’t forget he … he tried to make Bean go away. I’ve tried not to think about him much at all ‘cause I’m with you now but …”
“Ok, we’ll go but only if the weather is good enough and only so long as you feel ok. And we’re leaving if Alex is there.”
“Deal.”
Well Alex wasn’t at the church meeting but just about everyone else in the enclave was. It was a toss up to see who they were more interested in seeing how they would act. Us. Roman’s family. Or Patty who I admit seemed to almost be on the verge of tears the whole time when she wasn’t praying like her life depended on it.
Fletcher kinda squashed the worst of the nosy parkers by coming over and sitting with us but then Roman said, “You don’t need to sit here Fletch, we’re gonna mind. Geez.”
I put my elbow in Roman’s side and he said, “Ow! What did you do that for?”
“To keep you from burning a bridge you’ll be sorry to see go. I think your friend is being your friend, not Saul’s man.”
“Oh,” he said remorsefully. “Uh …”
Fletcher smiled and said, “Not possible. He’s already tried and I’m fireproof. Sorry I ain’t been able to get out that way. I’ve uh … been helping Patty.”
Both men looked uncomfortable so I said, “That’s what brothers do. At least they do when they are good brothers.”
Fletcher gave a small grin and Roman gave a bigger one. “Fletcher makes a good brother … even when he isn’t your brother.”
Both men relaxed all the way from there except for occasionally stiffening up when someone would get close to being rude as they walked by. For the most part though no one did and in a way that made it harder for me because there was no one for me to fight, even if it was just fighting in my head. And that made me think about how I act. And from there I just couldn’t hide from all that is wrong with me.
Bean I’m sorry if I’ve embarrassed you at some point or made it hard for you to be the best you can be. I’d like to say it’s not my fault, but I have a feeling most of it is. Andrew’s sermon was on how we could turn over a new leaf and be a new person, we just had to decide that is what we are going to do. And it sounded almost easy when he said it, but it seems no matter how much I try and be a new person there’s some things that just aren’t ever going to be that way. I can’t unknow the stuff I know about men. I can’t unlearn what it feels like to be in pain or to have done to me some of the things that were done. I can’t seem to change that I get suspicious when anyone touches me. Even with Roman it is hard not to assume that he’s wondering about bedroom stuff. It’s impossible to unknow what people are thinking when they look at me because I can see it in their eyes. Maybe I’ll live a long, long time Bean but I’ll never be able to cut out the part of me that says dock whore to everyone who looks at me. It’s like I’m unwashably dirty.
After Sunday meeting Mr. Beauchamp demanded we come back to their place to eat and discuss how things were going. Then he just walked away like it was a foregone conclusion that we would follow.
“Why? Dad never cared to discuss anything with me before,” Roman asked Peter who stood looking after their father.
“Because he wants to know.”
“Again … why? Seriously Peter, none of you have ever asked me that kind of thing before. I don’t get it. We’re staying out of everyone’s way. We haven’t asked for nothing. What could he possibly think we are doing to get into trouble?”
“Roman don’t be so defensive. You know how it is.”
“No. No I really don’t. I’m telling you Dad has never … look, just tell ‘em I’m taking Thorn back. She’s still recovering from all she’s been through and she’s a lot more quiet than she normally is. And her color is funny again.”
“I can see that. So did Mom. While you and Dad talk she says she wants to do all that female checking stuff on her.”
“She has a name. It’s Thorn. Try using it.”
“Dammit, you’re as prickly as she is.”
Saul walked up and it was he that told Roman, “It’s more than family stuff. It is an informal enclave meeting. You are one of the furthest out of the occupied houses and we’ve heard some other enclaves have had trouble with people leaving the city looking for food and trying to move into the various territories. We are a piece out but Donovan’s group is further and they’ve had run-ins with city people already.”
“Donovan’s group might be further out distance wise, but I told you it was stupid for them to build that close to that trail grouping. I told him then that if the trail was convenient for his horses it was going to be just as convenient for people to walk on. That horse trail they live off of is part of that big state trail system and abandoned or not it has accesses all up and down the old interstate. All someone has to do is get on it and start walking and they’ll eventually pass his enclave.”
Saul looked at him like he’d said something interesting. “If I plot the points you think you could figure where they are most likely starting at?”
“If someone will read off the city names and give me times and how well they were equipped and not just points. One thing for sure is that if they are making it all the way to Donovan’s they are either getting help or going through areas where they can get supplies from. That means someone needs to check on, if they haven’t already, all those real small family groups that have set up around there too.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Stop fidgeting.”
“Yes Mrs. Beauchamp.”
She was quiet as she measured and poked and prodded. Then she put that thing on my arm again and pumped it up and counted with her stethoscope. She sighed. “This is one of the reasons I despise young girls getting pregnant.”
I kept my mouth shut even though I wanted to tell her that it hadn’t exactly been my choice. Nothing against you Bean but facts are facts. Instead I told her, “Roman is making me liver to eat.”
“He … he is? Well …”
“I feel better than I did. He does stuff like that really good … er … well. He does that stuff really well.”
“Hmmm,” she said not quite looking at me. “Tell him to keep it up. I’ll see about making sure that you get some milk though with the weather being like it is there is little enough to go around.”
“It’s ok. I can’t really drink it. I can eat it if it is in something else like bread, but I can’t drink it straight or have too much pudding or custard. I can drink goat milk though.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“We just had goat milk in Africa. It wasn’t until we came back to the states that we found out I couldn’t drink cow milk. Neither Tim nor I could. My mom said you could have knocked her over with a feather because besides the polio I had as a baby neither Tim nor I were ever sick.”
“You … had polio?”
“Yes … er … ma’am. I caught it from the sister of a girl that used to come help Mom in the village school before I had all my vaccinations. Or that’s what they told me when I got older.”
“You have all of your vaccinations now?”
“Whatever I had to get to come back to the US. The mission board made sure. Then I got a couple of boosters before they would let me attend school. And the … uh … the inspectors made us girls … get shots too. It was the law.”
“The inspectors?”
“Something … that … you’d probably rather not know about.”
“Oh. Inspectors. I … see.”
I was quiet after that and she didn’t look like she knew what to say. Finally I couldn’t stand it anymore. “Well I’m sure you have lots of important stuff to attend to. Roman says you really take care of things. Soooo, I’d better get out of the way. I’ll … uh … I’ll just go sit on the steps. Outside. Out of the way.”
Which I almost got away with. “One moment. I will be sending someone over to look at that … house … and see what all is needed.”
“Huh?”
“Last time I was in there it was plainly not ready for habitation.”
“Oh, yeah it was pretty dusty but there wasn’t anything really wrong with it or broken. I got it washed up … when Roman wasn’t bossing me to sit down out of the way. And I’m not allowed down the cellar stairs – Roman pitched a fit the first time I tried – so that part hasn’t been cleaned yet. And the outhouse is still pretty disgusting but that’s because Roman says he needs to dig a new hole after the ground has thawed and repair the sitter part and roof but I got rid of all the wasp nests and cobwebs and as much of the dirt as I could. When he has to go hunting and I stay at the house he leaves me pictographs so I’ll know where he is at because one time I woke up and he was gone and … and I got scared. But we’re figuring things out and all in all the place is really nice. With polish and some vinegar to clean the glass with it will sparkle. Roman has been working on furniture and I’ve been piecing together other stuff and …”
She raised her hand and said, “Stop. One thing at a time …” So I had to go through the house room-by-room in my head and tell her that we were doing just fine but she still made a long list if all her scribbling means anything.
Mrs. Beauchamp was still raking me over the coals, caught between telling me what not to do because of you Bean and telling me what just had to be done to keep house appropriately, when Roman stuck his head in the door and he didn’t look happy. “You ready to go?”
“Sure,” I said jumping up to escape.
Mrs. Beauchamp nixed that idea by saying, “One moment. You may wait outside but you will not leave until I attend to a few items.”
I thought it strange that Roman didn’t even react to the way his mom was talking like he normally did and I followed him outside. He wasn’t angry or anything. He looked sad and embarrassed and upset all wrapped into one.
“Roman was the meeting bad?”
“Huh? No. Got out a while ago. Dad and David said I should have come to them with my concerns about Donovan’s location choice to begin with and it would have saved all this trouble and I told them I had but that no one paid any attention and said I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. I even reminded them which meeting it was in and David pulled the minutes to prove I was wrong … and then had to eat his words. Not sure what to make of it but Saul is stirring something. But mostly … uh … it was … Ok.” He stopped for a minute then he said, “Except Alex was there. He was sitting away from the table and I wasn’t the only one that wasn’t comfortable with him being there. Peter almost got in trouble with Dad but then someone else from the enclave said something along the same line and Dad … let it go. Alex … I don’t know. He looked …”
“Don’t worry about Alex. Let’s go. I want to go Roman.”
“Hey? You ok?”
“Is he still here?”
“What? Oh … uh … Saul walked him back upstairs and … he’s locked in Thorn. And when Saul locks something it stays locked. There’s also someone sitting outside the door all the time.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. It’s not like it was last time. He’s not allowed to talk to anyone anymore.”
“How do you know?”
“Because Alex told me.”
“Uh … Roman if he isn’t allowed to talk to anyone how was he talking to you?”
“It was after the meeting broke up before Saul made him go back upstairs. That … that wasn’t really talking. I didn’t talk to him, mostly Alex tried to talk to me.”
“Let’s go.”
“No. Mom said something about wanting to do something or other and David and Peter are going with us. The Peterson family has moved out west to join some group out there. They had to leave almost everything behind. The Council voted that except for a few items already spoken for, most of the house goods are going to come to us rather than take the chance on them going to waste. That includes the wood pile though that is being split with some older folks that are running low on wood.”
“Oh. Why are they doing that?”
“I guess they figure I can’t set you up right.”
That was a very strange way to put it but I told him, “Obviously they don’t know you because you are why I am feeling better. I told your mom about the liver and I think she was surprised that a man would think of it but she said for you to keep doing what you are doing.”
That seemed to chirk him up a bit I could tell. “Uh … she did?”
“Yeah. She was also surprised that we’ve got everything cleaned up though I hope you didn’t think she was going to let us get away without giving a lot of orders and advice. Seemed kinda disappointed though that she didn’t need to give us more than she did. I think she has a complex or something.”
He almost smiled but then seemed to think of something and got depressed again. “Roman what is it? Did … did I embarrass you? I tried not to. I even said ma’am to your mother.”
“What? No. So what if there’s some stiff rumped jackasses around here. You find them no matter where you go. If you are around people you can’t get away from ‘em.”
“Then what is it? Can I do something?”
He sighed. “I just look around and … and I wonder if you did the right thing by letting me push you into being with me. It is plain that I am never going to measure up to all your experience. Hell, you have to treat me like a damn baby sometimes or I pass out.”
And I was furious, just like that. “Roman? Remember that tab of stupid things you’re trying to remember not to say? Add that to the list.”
“What?”
“Who said what to you?”
“Wait. You lost me. I guess I’m just slow about this stuff. Can’t even read the hymnal and have to wait a couple of notes to figure out what we’re singing.”
“Roman, I’m gonna ask one more … wait … was it him? Did he …?” I looked up involuntarily to the second floor and sure enough Alex’s smirking, smarmy face was at one of the windows staring down. His smile got bigger and wider when he saw I’d realized how easy he had gotten to Roman. What he didn’t count on was just how mad I was. I’d fought with him but he didn’t think I had murder in my heart.
I snatched up a brick from the walkway border and heaved it so hard and fast at the window where he was standing that I fell down. But I was satisfied to see he almost didn’t move fast enough.
The crash had people running. And a lot of squawking was going on with all the women in an uproar over me being some wild and crazy something or other but it was Andrew that broke in and said, “Alex … was playing tricks. I’ve been concerned that he has been backsliding rather than moving forward. I had suspected something of the sort when I saw him speaking to Roman before Saul escorted him away.”
Peter who’d come from a different direction said, “Well that explains the chicken shit eating grin he had on his face before Thorny let fly.”
“My name is not Thorny, it’s Thorn. And he isn’t going to get Bean and he isn’t going to get Roman! No! No! No! I’ll leave first. I’ll …”
“You’re not going anywhere unless I say so,” Roman said interrupting my tantrum. “And what I’m saying is that you are going home and get out of this weather. You’re that funny color again. Mom!”
“For Heaven’s sake Roman, stop bellowing. I’m right here.”
“Why does she keep turning that funny shade of grey? It ain’t natural.”
“Isn’t natural,” she said on a long-suffering sigh. “Missy? See if Fletcher is nearby and have him get a driver for the wagon that belonged to the Petersons. It is barely suitable, but it will have to do. Narcissa will not be riding horseback. Why someone allowed her to ride that way this morning is outside of good sense. David, you should have thought of that and if not you, Andrew you should have.”
I wanted to gripe again but Roman’s arm across my shoulder tightened and he shook his head which means basically that I need to pick my battles, preferably one I can win, and the name thing and his mother’s bossiness looks like one I’m not going to win.
Mr. Beauchamp stomped around the corner of the house and asked angrily, “What is the meaning of this?”
Mrs. Beauchamp said, “Your son …” I felt Roman wince but Mrs. Beauchamp surprised us … just about everyone in the yard to be honest … by pointing a condemning finger to the broken window and saying, “Alex is reverting to childish antics and upsetting Roman and Narcissa. His recent methods of manipulation may also explain why Patricia is acting like a …” She stopped cleared her throat and continued. “Why Patricia is unable to maintain her composure.” Then she said the words that I hope she never says about me. “Something must be done.”
Roman leaned over to me and whispered, “Think we better get while the getting is good.”
“Roman Douglas Beauchamp.”
Roman sighed, “Too late.”
“I wish a full report on the progress you are making from here on out as well as a list of supplies that you require to maintain the speed at which you are currently working.”
Almost humiliated Roman said through clinched teeth, “Mom, you know I can’t write.”
“I beg your pardon? If you leave pictographs for Narcissa I do not see why you cannot afford the same courtesy to your mother. If I can decipher your father’s hideous chicken scratch handwriting, I certainly have the capacity to understand your system.”
Roman looked at me and then told his mother cautiously, “Uh, yes ma’am. I’ll be sure and get right on that.”
“See that you do. I am frankly appalled that those ridiculously expensive tutors that the school suggested did not attempt this years ago. If they were here, I would certainly be giving them a piece of my mind. How dare they say that my son was not capable of …”
She stomped off and everyone in the yard let out a collective sigh of relief that she was focusing her particular brand of energy in some other direction … namely in having the wagon loaded just the way she wanted it to be loaded and with what.
Roman picked me up off the ground where I had remained and started carrying me around the house. “I can walk.”
“No you can’t ‘cause I’m carrying you. Can’t do both at the same time. Against the laws of nature.”
“Roman, did I hit your head with that brick before I let fly with it?”
“Deserve it if you did. Now stop wiggling. My hair is catching on fire.”
“How can you possibly be thinking of that with me when your mom just about laid waste to a five-mile radius?!”
“That? Oh, that’s nothing. That’s just mom being mom. She’s really not such a bad ol’ gal all things considered.”
Peter jogged up and whooped a laugh before saying, “Better not let her catch you saying that. She’d turn loose on you like nobody’s business.”
“She’d have to catch me first.”
I told him in a falsely patient voice, “Well since I can’t run and keep up with you just lay off picking on your mom. That’s a woman that were she so inclined she could have owned a piece of everything going on on the docks. She’s scary.”
Both men grinned which convinced me they were both definitely a few bricks shy of a full load.
Siskiyoumom
Veteran Member
I love it when you get your writing mojo roaring! Hope fall is going well fir you and you have a great November.
Mostly I'm just tired. Took a week and went to Utah. Haven't been there in a coon's age. Stayed in Park City over night but spent time in Ogden, Provo, all of the scenic byways, lots of hiking, and a couple of days "doing" Salt Lake City. Loved it but between the time change and the snow ... yes, I said snow ... I came back more tired than I left.
All I can say is I live in Florida for good reason. I'm just not a snow person. It's pretty but Lord Have Mercy I'm not physically or mentally equipped to live and work in the stuff. I don't even play well in it. Luckily I didn't fall and bust my keester like last time. Ick. Y'all that do live in the stuff full time are made of different stuff than me.
Jeepcats27
Senior Member
thanks for the updates! You did get a change of scenery and it sounds like the cold did make you appreciate going home to Florida! A definite change from Hurricanes.
sssarawolf
Has No Life - Lives on TB
Thank you so much, love it.
beaglemama
Contributing Member
Thank you for the new chapters!
Funniest chapter you've ever written.
I was just rereading this and something tickled my mind that there was more written to this story. Sure enough, there are five more chapters over at Blogspot that take the story more in an Edie-like direction! Sure a treat to read some more. Maybe there is something good to my not-so-good memory these days? 
I was just rereading this and something tickled my mind that there was more written to this story. Sure enough, there are five more chapters over at Blogspot that take the story more in an Edie-like direction! Sure a treat to read some more. Maybe there is something good to my not-so-good memory these days?
I'll try and bring them over. Thanks @seraphima for noticing and letting me know.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“Roman?”
“Yeah?”
“Is your mother crazy?”
“That’s a possibility.”
We were both standing in the kitchen and looking at all of the stuff that Roman, Fletcher, Peter and a couple of other men I was introduced to as being a cousin and a brother-in-law – though I’ve yet to figure out which was which – had hauled in from two wagons. The other men had left and trying to get around was like how I imagine navigating a maze would be. But we had to try and so started moving things by type into different rooms. There were some piles I couldn’t get around without banging you into Bean so I had to be careful. The worst though was when I tried to squeeze between two piles and caught the back of my pants on something sharp and there was this awful ripping noise.
“Thorn?”
“Gaaaah! I just sewed those for the third time. There IS no more left in the seam. Now what am I supposed to do?! I had a hard enough time pulling them up this morning!”
“Well for starters … uh … you … could let me help you get them off.” I looked at Roman and his face fell a little bit and added, “If you feel up to it.”
I know he didn’t mean to Bean and I know he’d be mortified if he ever read this so you can’t let him know but when he looks like that he reminds me of this hound Tim rescued that had this thing for shoes. He (the dog, not Roman) didn’t really chew them – at least not much – but if you were missing a shoe, you could bet good money that if you looked in the barn in the corner of the hay that the dog had dug out sure enough the missing shoe would be there. He wouldn’t get mad that you took the shoe back but he’d be so disappointed and sad looking, like he knew he had a bad habit and just couldn’t seem to break it no matter how hard he tried. Roman looks just like that, right down to the big brown eyes and the hound dog expression.
I rolled my eyes. “I’m popping out all over. It might not just be these pants you need to help me out of.” Roman nearly broke his arm scrambling over some boxes but that didn’t slow him down much though he got a good scrape I had to clean and woke up bruised.
We aren’t really doing it. Roman says he’s still thinking of ways so that he doesn’t hurt me. I keep trying to tell him not to worry about it but that only makes him more pigheaded about the whole thing. He seems happy with what we do although I told him that he had to stop saying he was dead because it gave me indigestion to think that I might be hurting him. It really does worry me when he starts breathing like a tugboat. I’d ask Mrs. Beauchamp to check his blood pressure but I don’t think it would go over too well when I explained why.
It got cold again last night, and we gave up trying to put stuff away. Roman was a lot more interested in … uh … staying warm than he was in working anyway. I didn’t even need to worry about those pants until this morning and so far I’m not sure what I’m going to do.
I had stayed under the covers per Roman’s orders and was half asleep when there was some clatter outside. I woke up all the way and when Roman stepped into the room and said Saul had stopped by. I jumped out of bed and forgot I didn’t have a stitch on. “Oh no! What am I gonna wear?!”
Roman had that glazed over look on his face and said, “He’s gone. He just came by to ask if I would help with separating out what’s left of Peterson’s wood pile. Do that again.”
“Do what again?”
“That. That wow.”
I had to smile and told him, “Roman, it’s cold.”
He sighed. “Yeah I guess so.”
But then I did it again a couple of times until he flinched and said, “Damn, I gotta ride the horse all the way over there.”
That made me giggle and I climbed back under the covers for the last time. He left after telling me how to heat the soup he’d put on the mantle and that he might be late but not to worry and to not unlock the door for anyone but him. He took a key out of his pocket and said, “This one is yours. So no one can ever lock you in again. It’s like a skeleton key. It may not work outright on every lock, but it will on most of them around here after I show you how.”
“Oh Roman.” I almost asked him to stay just for saying that.
He was walking a little funny and I knew it was my fault. He didn’t exactly ride off very fast either. But then the sun went behind the clouds and I wandered around for a while until I got too cold and I crawled back in this bed and decided to write to you Bean.
See, I know exactly what I’m doing when I do things like that to Roman. I know I’m just this side of mean teasing and that I should be ashamed. I want to make him need me so bad that he stays around, that he’s not sorry that I’m staying around anyway. But I don’t know, sometimes I think it isn’t fair. Roman is a nice man and if yesterday is any indication maybe other people are starting to wise up to the fact that he has lots more to offer than they gave him credit for having. What if some nice woman suddenly wises up to it and she’d be sweet and fresh and new for him in a way I never can be. I just don’t know Bean.
Maybe I shouldn’t be talking to a kid like you about things that are so personal, but I want you to understand who I am just in case by the time you read this I’m not around anymore. I don’t want people to tell you that I was some hard whore that didn’t care for you or Roman. Because I do. I didn’t know I could care like this or so much. But I have to be honest too. I’m not always a nice person and if some fresh, sweet woman ever does try and get Roman’s attention I’m pretty sure I will fight.
I don’t want to own Roman. And I don’t want him to own me though in a strange way it feels like he already does; and for some reason that doesn’t bother me except for the fact that it doesn’t bother me. I also don’t think he’ll ever go back on his word about taking care of you and keeping you safe Bean. I’m just worried that now that I’ve had a taste of it, I’m not sure that I could let Roman go even if he wants to and that I’ll do whatever I have to so that he won’t or can’t. And that makes me a pretty bad character because while I don’t know much, I do know that Roman deserves a good woman, and what chance does a dock whore ever have of being a good woman?
Chapter Thirty
He’s late Bean. He said he might be late but he said only might. And this isn’t just late it is really, really late. I’m out of wood and I don’t think he would have meant to be that late. He said he would bring some back with him so I’m almost positive he didn’t mean to be this late. He isn’t like that. Mother Mary would have had a runner out and searching if Brian had ever done this. And now it’s snowing. Where is he?!
----------------------------
I heard something strange Bean. I didn’t know what it was at first. It’s so cold that I’m buried under the furs. I thought it was the wind at first then possibly an animal. It wasn’t the wind and it wasn’t an animal either. Animals don’t test doors and windows. They also don’t whisper. I couldn’t’ understand what they were saying but it was something about cold and abandoned to move to the next one.
Bean this is bad. This is very, very bad.
-----------------------------
I’m glad I’m not a nice person now. It used to worry me. Not anymore. I saw them pass by. I thought they all had and then I saw him. There was one left like he was covering their escape; moving slow, looking back, picking up things that had been dropped. I made it easy on him. He only thought he was breaking in. Then in the dark I knocked him out and locked the door. Next thing I did was make sure no one could hear him scream then tied him to the columns in that room Roman called the dining room. The columns are just for show but they’re sturdy. Roman had told me how he’d anchored them to the ceiling beams and floor joists. Good thing. He was a fighter. But my knots are better.
I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of punishments; I’ve watched even more. Brian usually did it, but Mother Mary liked to keep in practice. When I started working in the office she used to explain her techniques to me, sometimes as she demonstrated at the same time. Girls that wouldn’t obey, customers that wouldn’t pay, other pimps that tried to muscle in on her territory, they were all the same to her. She did it to scare me maybe, or because she thought I liked it. I didn’t. It is just one more thing I know that I wish I didn’t. But it came in handy this time.
He didn’t last long – bullies never do – but I got the information I needed. It is too dark to move right now so I got what blood I could off the floor. I need to rest anyway, pulling his body off into the woods made me hurt.
I’ll make them hurt. I’m make them all pay.
------------------------------------
“C’mon Thorn, another spoonful. Just a spoonful.”
“Roman come away. Narcissa is …”
“Her name is Thorn! Why can’t you just respect her enough to call her by her name? Is it really that hard?!”
“Easy Son. Your mother was only going to say that you both need some rest. That leg is going to get infected if you don’t get off it. And there’s nothing you can do for … Thorn. All we can do is wait to see the state of things when there is light. Your mother … she said that it doesn’t appear that the men that had her … abused her. It is mild shock and cold. In her condition …”
“I promised her. I told her that I’d keep Bean and her safe.”
“Son … come away now. Let the women do what they can.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Hello Bean. You’re still in there. I know you are. That thing that Mrs. Beauchamp put on my belly says you are too. None of them thought you would stay there though. You proved them wrong. Roman says that means that you are one tough cookie. He says it like he’s proud. I am too. When you come out I’ll tell you to your face so often you’ll never forget it. I’m just tired. I just wanted to write this down to celebrate that you are still where you are supposed to be. I wish other things were as they are supposed to be.
--------------------------------------
Hello Bean. First day that no one has come by to measure and check and all that other stuff. I’m still not supposed to get up except to go to the bathroom. That’s ok though, I’m feeling better than I have but I’m still so tired that most the time I just want to sleep. Mrs. Beauchamp said that that feeling isn’t just about you Bean. She said some of it is in my head. She wasn’t being mean when she said it. She thinks I’m suffering a kind of something she called a partum depression. What she basically means is that being pregnant is hard on my head and it is also probably related to what my life has been like since I was stolen and what she calls the latest shock is only making things worse.
Whatever.
The only time I don’t feel like shivering is when it is night and Roman is here and we wrap up in the fur cover and the world goes away. We have to be real careful with each other though. No more teasing until you come out Bean. But neither one of us feels like teasing. Missy warned me that it could make you come out too soon. And Roman really isn’t up for teasing because he is very hurt. They skinned some of his leg. The ones I caught went too quick. I should have skinned them and given it to Roman for his fur and hide collection. I would have if I had known. But he didn’t talk no matter what they did to him. He was very brave and didn’t talk. What did I tell you Bean? We are lucky and Roman is very special.
It makes me mad that I can’t take care of him the way he has taken care of me. Those bastards. I hope they die and die and die some more. I’m glad they are starving. I’m glad they are getting lost in the snow and freezing and things are getting black and falling off. They should have stayed away. They should have stayed in the city since they love it so much and elected all the monsters so that they could have stuff.
If they couldn’t stay away, they should have tricked the revenuers and taken their stuff instead of what they’ve done. Dogs sniffing their master’s butt is all they are. They deserve what is coming. I’ve only told Saul and I don’t think he all the way believes me. But he believes me enough that he’s had the word go out. Lockdown. Don’t have anything to do with strangers, especially strangers that look sick and everyone has to report any kind of rash.
I hear him breathing. The tea is finally working … the tea that I told Missy about that the girls would take when they got badly used. It takes the edge off. He was in so much pain. There are some places so deep that I heard Mrs. Beauchamp whispering that in the old days they would have done a skin graft. Instead all they could do is try and sew those areas closed and they’ve stretched the skin tight and it pains him awfully bad.
Bastards. I’m not sorry I did what I did. Not all of them will die but I expect a lot will before they figure out what is going on. By that time it will be all over the place … even in the revenuers they meet up with. And from there I hope it gets into the revenuers’ bosses.
You don’t have to worry Bean. Growing up in Africa and then living on the docks seems to have some benefit after all. That stupid doctor. We all hated him. He just loved sticking us. I think he stuck us more than he needed to. He charged the government an arm and a leg I can tell you that. Mother Mary got a good sized kick back. But I’m immune to so much stuff that it’s like my body wears armor.
Typhoid. But the explanation will have to wait until tomorrow. All I want to do is lay here and listen to him breathe.
Chapter Thirty-Two
I haven’t felt much like writing Bean. I was so angry all the time. The only time I wasn’t was when I was asleep and for a while there I was afraid of sleeping. Afraid I would wake up and Roman wouldn’t be there. I was fine so long as I could hear him breathing or see him but when I couldn’t I would get upset. I knew it was stupid to get upset Bean and I tried to hide it but it was still there. Even if no one else could see it I knew. I felt weak, like I wasn’t fit to be Roman’s partner, only his bed buddy and a pretty useless one at that.
It has gotten better. As soon as Roman started getting better so did I. Now I don’t need to see him to know that he is around. I don’t need to hear him to know that he is ok. And if he needs to go do something I know he will come back.
In fact, today I told him that he should go. He wasn’t sure he should, but I told him that I didn’t own him and didn’t want him to feel like he had to be on a leash. I told him that he was very good at what he did and that the enclave needed him and that I knew he’d come back when he was finished. I don’t worry about him working with the animals, animals can’t carry Typhoid. I just worry about stupid people not using good sense so I packed his food and his water myself being extra careful. I can do that sitting down. But I’m back in bed now. I promised.
From what I hear they use good sense. Mrs. Beauchamp will skin them like those others skinned Roman if they don’t. Sometimes scary is a good thing. And Saul believes me now. He hasn’t said anything. I don’t know if he will. Roman wasn’t the only one that I saved. Missy was there too. So was their little girl. I hadn’t known they had a little girl, but they do. I hadn’t known how long him and Missy had been together. Ten years. From before the trouble all started. I never would have guessed. Tina is the only one they’ll ever have. Something went wrong and Missy can’t make babies now. And Tina is eight. Just like I was the year the UN building was blown up.
Roman went but I’m pretty sure that he didn’t think I was strong enough. I could tell he was worried. I was worried at first too. But he needed to go. We both needed for him to be able to go. I need to stop being so … whatever this is I am and he needs to know that he can do what he needs to do too.
Four weeks. It’s been four weeks. I’m not so crazy angry now but if I think about it too much it starts boiling to the surface. I’ve been able to hide it from everyone. They all think I’m crazy enough as it is. Let them. I don’t care. So long as they know how far I’ll go for Roman, how far I’ll drag anyone that hurts him even if it means having to drag them straight to hell. I’m not a nice person and now I’m ok with that.
----------------------
I was pretty sure that I could remember the way to the enclave, but it was so cold. I had taken a pair of Roman’s pants and tied them up with “suspenders.” I used the poncho made out of Roman’s old blanket for a coat but it was still cold.
I didn’t have to go all the way. Saul and some other men met me on the trail.
“Did Roman make it home?”
“Would I be slogging through this snow if he had?” I asked him angry that he’d missed the obvious. “But I know where the scumbags have him and I know the revenuers are sending some city folks after the enclave.”
“What?!”
I explained how I knew. Of course they didn’t believe me at first. By the time they’d seen what I had done to find out a couple of them had puked.
Saul is made of stronger stuff and didn’t even belch. He asked, “Did he give a timeline?”
“Soon is all he knew, and I believe him. The idiot couldn’t even lie to save himself by that point. It wasn’t his group that’s gonna go after the enclave. They’re more like harriers to soften areas up.”
“Good name for them. We got a lot of people so upset they aren’t listening.”
I snorted in anger and derision. “They thought they were safe, that they were hidden enough, far enough away from the cities. They got complacent. Same way other stables would get before they’d be gobbled up by someone bigger and stronger. Well they better get over that kind of weakness fast or all your kids are going to wind up like me and that’s if they’re lucky. Before I left Mother Mary’s I heard that the re-education centers and work farms were filling up and the government was getting tired of trying to feed all the kids in them. There’s foreigners being allowed to ‘visit’ those places and pick and choose kids and take ‘em off. They call it a different kind of education program but not a kid that has ever been taken away has been seen again. A lot of them are being sent overseas. The pimps and madams were getting bent out of shape over it because they were supposed to get first pick.”
I heard one of the men curse and another almost whimper. A third sputtered, “That’s just an urban legend.”
I snapped at him, “Well I’m living and breathing proof some urban legends are true or aren’t you one of the ones at the church meeting talking about how wrong it was for a dirty slut to sit in the pews regardless of how I’d come to be that way.”
Saul barked, “Enough. Roberds take Thorn up with you. We need to get back.”
We road into chaos.
Chapter Thirty-Three
A fore group of Revenuers hadn’t been able to resist temptation and had attacked the enclave proper. I gotta say, them guards that let them get passed them had as much if not more to fear from Saul than they had of the Revenuers. I saw him grab one man by the throat and lift him so that his feet couldn’t touch the ground. The guy was so scared that he messed himself. I hadn’t ever met anyone that strong and scary since Brian; not even Emerald’s enforcers had been that tough. He was scary and I was glad. Glad, not because of why but because I now knew Saul was a man that would do what it took … because he had skin in the game too. The Revenuers had taken Missy … and their daughter.
I looked around at the mess the Revenuers made. I’m still not sure if I was really remembering or if my brain was already turning by then but part of me thinks that I was really remembering. I saw bodies laid out on the ground in the snow under a big oak tree and over the top of that picture I saw bodies piled like cordwood under another oak tree. I saw blood on the snow yet I also saw blood on grass. I saw Mrs. Beauchamp, seeming a lot smaller than she normally did tending to the wounded and I saw Patty crying over something blanket covered separate from all the others. I also saw faceless ghosts, some crying, some hugging each other in silent shock, a few injured being tended. Everywhere I looked it was like seeing two pictures that were the same yet different.
“Where ‘r the kids?”
I hadn’t realized I asked the question until Andrew draped something over my shoulders and said, “They’ve been taken.”
He was the only one – him and Saul – that didn’t step away from me as a growl came from my throat. When I walked away no one stopped me. They were too busy trying to pull themselves together. Saul was shouting orders and later I found out he’d made the mistake in thinking that I would go over with the other women and do what was generally expected of women to do. Afterwards when he tried to start in on me I basically told him to shut up and that’s what him and the others got for assuming. He didn’t appreciate it too much when I said it, and still don’t, but I don’t care. Assuming things will get you killed faster than anything I’ve ever seen.
Ever since the time I got so scared to wake up and find him gone Roman had been teaching me the different trails. I didn’t walk them, but he taught me on maps so that I’d know what he was talking about when he mentioned them. He also plotted me landmarks. I’d grown up with Tim doing the same thing, so it was easier to learn than learning from a book. And my memory is good too, it’s one of the few tools no one has ever been able to take from me and has been one of them double edged swords you read about in fancy books. Remembering things can be good … or a whole lot of not good depending on circumstances. With what was going on it was a double dose of both sides of the sword.
Those maps are one of the few things I took with me when I had decided to go look for Roman. Those maps and one of the big butcher knives from the kitchen. I almost decided to take Roman’s spare rifle but decided against it because one, I’d never shot a rifle, and two trying to carry it and walk through the snow would have been a losing proposition for me. The thing was nearly as long as I was tall, or so it felt.
I suppose I could have snagged a gun in all the confusion, but I didn’t do it then either. What I planned needed quiet and although I’d heard Brian and Mother Mary speak about homemade silencers (although they were really suppressors because nothing is truly silent except the dead) there wasn’t time to make one even if I could have.
The man I’d tortured had said that he’d heard the Revenuers were going to camp at this particular location not too far from a creek. When I’d described it to Saul he knew the exact location and named it Mercer’s Boulder. I knew where that was, at least on the map in my head, and knew it had been named after a man that had gotten drunk and fallen and crushed his skull against it in the early days of the enclave as people were still figuring out whether they could tolerate the type of living they planned on doing.
I set off for Mercer’s Boulder and no one stopped me. Saul says that people told him they didn’t see me go but that’s a flat out lie. Several of them looked my way and then looked away shame faced. Found out later that my story had been spreading in bits and pieces but I didn’t know that then and I’m not sure I would have cared if I had. I know Patty saw me because she looked at me and said, “This is your fault, you did this to him. Look at how low you’ve brought a good man. And now you’re doing the same to Roman. You’re poison and so is that demon spawn inside you.”
She would likely have kept on running her mouth if Roman’s sister Vicki hadn’t come up and said, “Patricia! Shut up and stop making things worse. Alex got himself killed after doing everything he could to kill the rest of us. If my children are hurt …”
They started bickering and I walked away but I realized it wasn’t just Saul that had skin in the game. I’d never had nothing to do with the kids of the enclave, not even accidentally. I had been surprised one time when Roman let slip there was about twenty kids under ten in the enclave because I’d never seen any. When he got red I realized it was because I’d been kept away from them or them from me, either way it was the same. It didn’t bother me, I wouldn’t have known what to say to any of them anyway. I was the last really young girl that Mother Mary had bought but there were others that came in near my age but none of them were like me; they’d all joined the stable willingly to get off the street and for some reason none of us could ever get along very well. I had to teach them that I wasn’t someone they wanted to pick on no matter how I looked. Then Alex bought me and that was the last of that.
All of that – ghostly pictures and ugly memories – kept trying to find space in my head and it wasn’t until I got away from the enclave that I could tell ‘em all to just shut up, that I had work to do. Some people try and make out like I was in some kind of shock, that it has to be the only explanation for what I did. But that’s just not true. Bean, I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew exactly what I meant to do. I can’t lie, not to you, not here in this book where I’m trying to make sure you understand why I am like I am. Not in this book where I need you to understand even if it makes me uncomfortable to admit some things.
See, I took the path willingly and I meant to kill me some Revenuers. I’ve never been stupid enough to think that I can kill all of them even if they all deserve it. Revenuers and dust bunnies … doesn’t matter how many you clean out, more just show up whether you want them to or not. All you can do is keep cleaning them out. I meant to find Roman and along the way I was going to make someone pay, as many someones as I could.
It isn’t that I wasn’t thinking of you Bean. I was. But without Roman I knew we’d both be sunk. Doesn’t matter if someone calls that selfish or not. It was reciprocity. See I also knew that he would have come after me if someone had taken us. I knew that. I’m not sure what convinced me to believe in him like that, but something has, maybe it is just Roman being Roman that convinced me. I just knew deep down inside he wouldn’t just look the other way and walk away and since we were partners, I wasn’t just going to walk away either.
Siskiyoumom
Veteran Member
Thank you so much for the new chapters!
