accountant
Contributing Member
My wife came out of the master ensuite, stood before me with her hands on her hips and said, “I’ve gained 2 lbs. in the last week so you’re going on a diet.”
Now, my lovely bride is usually quite logical, so I was more than a little intrigued by her statement.
I put down the book I was reading and said, “You’ve gained 2 lbs. Why do I need to go on a diet, my love?”
“Don’t you ‘my love’ me, mister. This is all your fault!”, she exclaimed.
“My fault? How is it my fault?”, I asked, innocently.
“Whenever you buy a coffee while running errands, you always bring me a donut. Whenever you get takeout from a burger joint, you always get me something, whether it’s fries, or an apple turnover. Whenever you make those cheesecakes you love, you always insist that I share it with you. We have to go to Carol’s daughter’s wedding in a month, and I need to fit into the new dress you bought me, so you’re going on a diet!”, came the explanation.
I ruminated on her words for a brief moment before saying, “Darling, you look beautiful no matter what your weight is. How much would you like to lose before we have to go to the wedding?”
“Ideally, I’d like to lose 15 lbs., but I will be happy to lose 10.”, she replied.
“Fine, we can start the diet, but I have certain conditions.”, I stated, matter-of-factly.
“Conditions? What conditions?”, she asked, warily.
“Firstly, you’re not allowed to check your weight until the thirty days is over and secondly, if you lose 15 lbs, Carol will have to give me a blowjob. Those are my terms, and they are non-negotiable.” I declared.
The terms were agreed to and for the next thirty days, we went for brisk walks every day, ate only no-fat yogurt with fruit for breakfast, and the leanest of meats and steamed vegetables for lunch and dinner. Over the course of the month, I could see that not only was my lovey bride getting slimmer, but so was I. That being said, if I had to eat one more steamed carrot, I was ready to stab someone in the eye. I’m not sure if it would be me or her.
Finally, the thirty days were over, and my wife proudly announced that she had lost 14 lbs.
I think she lied, but at least I get to eat cheesecake again.
Now, my lovely bride is usually quite logical, so I was more than a little intrigued by her statement.
I put down the book I was reading and said, “You’ve gained 2 lbs. Why do I need to go on a diet, my love?”
“Don’t you ‘my love’ me, mister. This is all your fault!”, she exclaimed.
“My fault? How is it my fault?”, I asked, innocently.
“Whenever you buy a coffee while running errands, you always bring me a donut. Whenever you get takeout from a burger joint, you always get me something, whether it’s fries, or an apple turnover. Whenever you make those cheesecakes you love, you always insist that I share it with you. We have to go to Carol’s daughter’s wedding in a month, and I need to fit into the new dress you bought me, so you’re going on a diet!”, came the explanation.
I ruminated on her words for a brief moment before saying, “Darling, you look beautiful no matter what your weight is. How much would you like to lose before we have to go to the wedding?”
“Ideally, I’d like to lose 15 lbs., but I will be happy to lose 10.”, she replied.
“Fine, we can start the diet, but I have certain conditions.”, I stated, matter-of-factly.
“Conditions? What conditions?”, she asked, warily.
“Firstly, you’re not allowed to check your weight until the thirty days is over and secondly, if you lose 15 lbs, Carol will have to give me a blowjob. Those are my terms, and they are non-negotiable.” I declared.
The terms were agreed to and for the next thirty days, we went for brisk walks every day, ate only no-fat yogurt with fruit for breakfast, and the leanest of meats and steamed vegetables for lunch and dinner. Over the course of the month, I could see that not only was my lovey bride getting slimmer, but so was I. That being said, if I had to eat one more steamed carrot, I was ready to stab someone in the eye. I’m not sure if it would be me or her.
Finally, the thirty days were over, and my wife proudly announced that she had lost 14 lbs.
I think she lied, but at least I get to eat cheesecake again.