Rednecks on Mars

[Knoxville's Joker]

This is a draft of a script for a short I will be using on local community television. I will be adding to it over time.

Rednecks on Mars
Now that we had time to acclimate our rednecks on the ISS, we have now added some crew to our mission on mars where we now have feet on the ground. Here is a story of one of their more normal or abnormal days which kind of day we leave to you to decide.

Mission Control: We are also detecting abnormal energy usage in a side room next to Hydroponics.

Astronaut: Well Cletus decided he needed something to smoke and he was torn between tobacco and Modifying the Hemp for maximum THC usage, so he did both. We are finding the results not only create a great fabric, it also airs out any residual stale odors or bland atmosphere and we keep having to make more as he keeps burning his clothing allotment which what is grown here. It also appears to stimulate the appetite so he had to figure out a way to increase hydroponics output.

Mission Control: So we have no amount of wasted clothing now outside of a little ash?

Astronaut: Yep, and this place never has been smelling better like ole pappy’s tobaccer farm.

Mission Control: We are having reception issues with the remote face tracking webcam in the conference room.

Astronaut: Well Cedwick decided that he needed more lights on hydrophonics so he could get more output on the wheat so He added a lamp to the camera and applied turtle wax and floor wax to his noggin so now it is a blinding beacon of light. He said something about putting his head to use for a change.

Mission Control: So he turned his mind into one big bright idea lamp to grow things better. Copy that.

Mission Control: We have had reports that the land rover has had some drive train improvements and we are missing 4 culvert gates and some exterior pipe insulation

Astronaut: Well Jefro decided that the rover could not clear the rocks sufficiently so he retrofitted some better all terrain tires. The first test went rather well and we have an out of this world rock crawling video.

Mission Control: That was the other thing we wanted to mention, there were reports that cargo was out of place in the rover.

Astronaut: Since Jefro made an out of this world rock crawler, tipping was never a concern any more so he turned the tilt sensor into a gyroscope and he broke a solar record on longest wheelie.

Mission Control: We are showing that the metallic printer is occupied with a large job.

Astronaut: Jeb was feeling a little homesick and was getting annoyed about the idjuts tearing down his great, great, great, grand uncle Ulysses S Grant statues that he wanted to make one that no one could touch and remind everyone that even in defeat round two is always a possibility given the chance. Then some green feller named Marvin showed up as he was about to install the statue.

Mission Control: So you encountered a sentient being.

Astronaut: Yes, but first thing was him and Jeb started comparing guns and swapping stories after explaining who his great uncle was. Thanks to the target practice competition we now have access to some underground caverns, mineral and water deposits with relative safety. Jeb borrowed the fellers pistol and carved a big message on phobos.

Mission Control: So that is why we saw the largest emoji ever. Everyone is getting all emojional here…

Astronaut: Jeb is asking to go on a safari with that Marvin feller. Something about looking for a duck that is driving him quackers. Jeb asked for help hunting for some rabbit his old uncle Fudd could never seem to contain.

Mission Control: Remind Jeb that we are simulcasting from his suit camera so if he does anything, please don’t cause an intergalactic incident. The grey aliens from earlier warned us about the martians and said that we need to keep him peacefully entertained.

 

[Knoxville's Joker]

Ok let's add another set of characters:

Mission Control: we are sending a pair of twins for sanitation control duties and increasing efficient waste control.
Astronaut: Did you have to send us the Dookie Boys, yes, I get the nick name, but to have them Named Ug and Lee is a bit much. And did you have to pick a pair of boys that like to stir the social pot so much. They like their drama like they like their work stirred...
Mission Control: We would never do this out of spite, but things have gotten a little boring of late so this might help stir up some interest.

 

[Knoxville's Joker]

And another character is added:
Mission control: we are sending down a Cartogrophy GPS integrations specialist. He is messy so you will need to assign a clean up detail after him.
Astronaut: Please don't tell me your sending us Spot Nick. His messes are worse then his robot K-9 with leaky hydraulics.
Mission Control: We are also sending extra toilet paper and other cleaning supplies with him to make up for the headaches
Astronaut: You are pulling a Cornholio with extras on us again huh?
Mission Control: it can not be helped. He is the only expert capable of spotting memory leaks with the mapping program we are running.
Astronaut: Let us know when Dr. Adhanom shows up for his dog...

 

[Knoxville's Joker]

Mission Control: we are sending down a viroligist to study long dormant bacteria for future use and benefit
Astronaut: Please don't tell me you are sending down Doctor Covidian
Mission Control: yes, he has been very good at curing all our ills before we even find them.
Astronaut: Well we are not calling his lab the Covidian Compound. That was reserved for a solution for something far more sinister and between all the other circus members you sent down, the doctor has been staying very busy with all the stitches that keep busting.

 

[Knoxville's Joker]

Mission Control: We are sending down a special effects artist to help study application methods of material in extreme environments
Astronaut: Really you are sending down Zombie Sam? THe last time he was on mission he kept making statues and spooking the hell out of the astronauts on space walks.
Mission Control: He has proven extremely effective at slightly modifying onhand stock into new creative uses. And the caricatures he creates also have been create ammunition for durability testing with new equipment.
Astronaut: But the space station, it looked like something out of dead space for months, especially after the micro metiorite swarms.
Mission Control: Do not worry he is very excited to make busts of that rabbit and duck to mess with Marvin. Please make sure you have serveilance set on whereever he sets things as we want to see if that feller is hiding any surprises on us...

 

[Knoxville's Joker]

mission control: We are sending down a radiation shielding energy systems depolarization specialist
astronaut: Please don't tell me you are sending down Impy. Last time he decided to have fun he concentrated solar radiation on my pet chicken's cage to make her explode. I got madder than an ole wet hen and everyone else got peckish from the mess.
mission control: Don't worry about your pets, we got him on a mission to see how well the shielding is on that Marvin's equipment is. He said something about bringing some cartoons to life.