almost ready
Inactive
you were warned
PLAY Put down your coffee first
- Thread starter almost ready
- Start date
-
- Tags
- cartoons
you were warned
Ballistic Evan Williams from nose on that one..........
almost ready
Inactive
I never promised you they'd be in good taste.
almost ready
Inactive
almost ready
Inactive
almost ready
Inactive
The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad News
first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's
the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad News
first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's
the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.
Back in the 90's Bill Clinton was returning from a winter jog and noticed that someone had written “Go Bleep Yourself”, in urine, right on the snow on the White House lawn.
Bill was absolutely furious someone would dare to do such a thing in such a public manner for all to see. He called all of the intelligence agencies together and demanded an answer within 48 hours.
An intelligence official, just barely making the deadline, enters the Oval Office and advises that he has good news and bad news.
“Give me the good news first.”
“The good news is that we found out, via DNA analysis, whose urine was used.”
“Great, whose urine is it?”
“George Bush’s”
“He always was a jerk, I’m not too surprised but I’m happy we caught him.”
“So what’s the bad news?”
-
-
-
-
-
“The handwriting was Hillary’s.”
Bill was absolutely furious someone would dare to do such a thing in such a public manner for all to see. He called all of the intelligence agencies together and demanded an answer within 48 hours.
An intelligence official, just barely making the deadline, enters the Oval Office and advises that he has good news and bad news.
“Give me the good news first.”
“The good news is that we found out, via DNA analysis, whose urine was used.”
“Great, whose urine is it?”
“George Bush’s”
“He always was a jerk, I’m not too surprised but I’m happy we caught him.”
“So what’s the bad news?”
-
-
-
-
-
“The handwriting was Hillary’s.”
jed turtle
a brother in the Lord
The Box Under Bill & Hillary's Bed
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
Meadowlark
Has No Life - Lives on TB
Once told by Gilbert Godfrey:
A man goes to the hospital. He heard his wife had been in a terrible accident.
After waiting in the waiting room for many hours, the doctor comes out to meet him.
The doctor says, I have some good news and some bad news. First the bad news. Your wife has been in a terrible accident. She will be in
a coma for the rest of her life. You will have to bathe her, cloth her, feed her, wipe her azz and care for her the rest of her life.
The good news is, I am kidding........she's dead!
A man goes to the hospital. He heard his wife had been in a terrible accident.
After waiting in the waiting room for many hours, the doctor comes out to meet him.
The doctor says, I have some good news and some bad news. First the bad news. Your wife has been in a terrible accident. She will be in
a coma for the rest of her life. You will have to bathe her, cloth her, feed her, wipe her azz and care for her the rest of her life.
The good news is, I am kidding........she's dead!
almost ready
Inactive
almost ready
Inactive
Thanks for all the laughs.
almost ready
Inactive
Mountain Man
Senior Member
One morning a man gets a call from his doctor. "I have bad news and worse news". The man says "What's the bad news?". Doctor says "You only have 24 hours to live" The man freaks out and shouts "WHAT COULD BE WORSE NEWS THAN THAT ?" The doctor says " I forgot to call you yesterday afternoon".
almost ready
Inactive
(no video? Parody of Obama to the tune of "The Great Pretender".