PLAY Midwesterner Explains To Terrified Californian Visitor That The Autumn Trees Aren’t Actually On Fire


Has No Life - Lives on TB
September 25th, 2020

MT. VERNON, OH—According to sources in a dark, mysterious land known as the "Midwest," one visitor from California found himself horrified when he left his hotel to go for a walk and found that all the trees were on fire. He began to hyperventilate as he collapsed on the trail in panic and cried out for help.

"HELP! Dear God, help me!" he cried. "The fires followed me here from California! Please God, spare me. I'll do whatever You want. I'll give up avocado toast for a year! I'll start tipping my UBER drivers! PLEASE!"

Thankfully, a good Samaritan came upon the distressed young man in the woods. "Hey, my dear, don't worry. The trees aren't on fire. They just look that way. Here in Ohio, we have this thing called 'seasons.' We have spring, summer, fall, and winter. This is fall. During this time of year, the green trees change colors to look red, orange, and yellow! Isn't that neat?"

The young man wiped a tear from his face and looked around. "Wow... it's actually kinda pretty, isn't it? So no fires?"

"No. No fires. We haven't had one of those here in 400 years. You can relax, son."

"SON?" he replied. "Did you just assume my gender?"

The Ohioan then shrieked and ran away in terror.



Veteran Member cousin has lived his entire life in So. Cal. He came East a few years back to look around and do some genealogy work. He remarked about how claustrophobic all of the trees made him. Late October when the trees are on fire is the prettiest time of the year to me.

The Mountain

Here since the beginning
This year, the trees up here in New England are particularly brilliant red, an unusual color for the leaves. Usually they're more orange-yellow, but some years if the sugar content in the leaves is particularly high they're redder.

I completely wouldn't put it past some urban californian idiot to not understand what real trees look like.


Veteran Member
Tamaracks are deciduous conifers...oddballs that shed their needles in the fall. Very beautiful in both spring and fall...spring with new needles a soft, pale green color and in the fall, bright golden yellow. I have a big one in the back favorite tree, and the birds and squirrels love it. Thousands of cones to feed on all winter.