The midnight hour was approaching and there was much to be done before Sabine and Veronica could leave for Mass. Gone were the simple times when one could just get in a car and go. Now it took a spirited discussion about which vehicle (they would take Andrea’s this evening it was the fastest and not being worked on), who would accompany Sabine was already decided and what check in procedures to keep track of their location. It was a commitment to get to Mass; one Sabine wanted and needed to make so all this was worth it.
At last, all the minutia was done so Sabine and Veronica could get ready. Veronica followed Sabine to her room. Sabine was rummaging in the closet when Veronica walked in.
“Since you didn’t expect to be going to Christmas Midnight Mass, I figure you are shopping out of my closet again?” Sabine was already pushing things back and forth, selecting and rejecting different items.
“Well I don’t figure you would be seen with me if I was grabbing things out of Andrea’s side of the closet. One of her cocktail dresses would barely be a t-shirt for me.” Both laughed at that mental image.
Sabine finally pulled some stuff from the very back of her closet for the both of them. Sabine’s outfit had her back in her dark grey fisherman’s sweater and black wool pants with low boots. Over this, she figured to wear her Pea coat. She found some dark brown pants and a black turtleneck and sweater for Veronica, who would have her big shearling leather jacket.
Veronica didn’t say much as Sabine picked out outfits and set things out. Veronica didn’t seem to need to say much most of the time and was even more quiet now. This was one of the things Sabine liked being around Veronica. Maybe it was all the hunting or something, but Sabine saw Veronica in her head as like some kind of forest creature, always stealthy, quiet movement and explosive energy if she needed to.
Sabine was the first one in the shower, then Veronica. When Veronica came out of the bathroom, she saw Sabine threading two double mag pouches, her holster and a fixed blade knife onto her belt. Sabine saw her watching her.
“What? You told me it wasn’t that safe anymore. I don’t have a pocket machine-gun like yours, so I figure to put my stuff on me.”
Veronica smiled with her comment. “I didn’t say a thing. I’m just happy somebody listened to me. Do you have a more discrete bag for an aid bag? I know you have a bag in the car, but what about one to have with you?
Sabine thought for a moment, then snapping her fingers, dove into the bottom of the other closet. Moments later, she came out holding a large black purse or small laptop messenger bag. “This will work. I can grab the stuff for it in the garage from the pieces and parts bin. Shouldn’t need more than tourniquets, combat gauze, tape and some battle dressings.“
“Sounds good.” Veronica paused. She did some mental calculations and decided the sweater would hide all the gear on Sabine’s belt, and therefor would do the same for her own gear she was lacing onto her own belt.
Neither were much in the mode for makeup, not that either wore much anyway. The one concession they made was lipstick, more for the lip protection than the color. When they were done, each did a three sixty, checking each other to make sure the sweaters covered everything successfully. It was time to go.
Down the stairs and out to the barn they went. A scant five minutes filling the laptop bag and they were off, Veronica once again in the driver’s seat. A clear sky and fresh snow, it was a beautiful, peaceful night.
The pair were on the road for less than five minutes when Sabine had to ask.
“So, what’s up with you? You are normally a lot more interactive when the clump is together. Violet seems to be a bit slow off the mark, but she is getting into the holiday spirit. You don’t seem to be all here?”
“I guess Christmas isn’t my thing much anymore.” Veronica tried to give a ‘blow it off’ kind of answer but Sabine didn’t seem to be buying it.
It’s not so much the holiday. Just being with the group is different this trip. You have something going on Veronica.” Sabine’s tone wasn’t prying or accusatory. It was rather matter-of-fact. “You normally seem to have a good relationship with your parents and Violet’s parents and this trip you seem to be avoiding them for some reason.”
Veronica sighed. She might as well explain some. At least she knew Sabine wouldn’t tell anyone else about things if she asked her to keep it between the two of them. “It’s not a problem with them. I just don’t want to bring my problem up around them when they have all this other shit going on. Mom is trying so hard to help the Jensons and I don’t want to distract her from it. They need all the help she can bring to bear on the situation, especially Jennifer. Mom would pick up on the negative waves and get sidetracked. Momma Amber is working on them too, plus some other project she is buried in. Mine’s more an occupational hazard than a problem.”
Veronica stared at the road the whole time she was talking. She knew if she looked over at Sabine, she would crack and start spilling it. She didn’t know if she wanted to burden her friend with this shit.
Sabine could piece some of what Veronica’s worries were but they didn’t completely add up to the picture in front of her. Veronica volunteered to help her, and she was also there last trip and stayed out by the fire all night while she slept. She had to help. To help, she had to know.
“So, occupational, not personal. OK, I will put my work hat on then. We have time. You drive and tell me about it. I’ll quid pro quo some on the way back if it would make you feel better about it.”
Veronica thought for a few before she started talking. Here was a friend who would understand much more than most. Medics get exposed to a lot of the same shit she did as an Agent. It would be better than trying to make Violet understand. Violet had no real frame of reference to work from. Sabine would. Her mind made up, she started talking.
“Last Christmas was a real shitty one for me. My husband was back east and I was alone for Christmas. I took the holiday alert duty so my troops could go do Christmas without worries. One of the Agents, a good friend of mine, took the whole week of Christmas to spend it with the spouse and three kids. I was good friends with all of them and had been over many a time in the past. Christmas day, I swung by their house to drop off presents for the kids. All the cars were there and lights on, but no answer at the door. I went inside, worried something had happened. Something had happened. The tree was lit, presents unopened all around and under it, but no one answered when I called out. I walked around inside the house. What I found……”
Veronica stopped for a minute to gather herself and slow their rate of travel. She hadn’t realized she had kept accelerating as she talked. Mountain roads at night with fresh snow wasn’t a place for triple digit speed. Sabine was quiet and let her start again when she was ready.
“Eleven years old, Six years old and three months old. That’s how old their kids were. Each dead in their beds. Massive slashes, each bled out quick. The spouse was in their bed, also bled out, massive slicing wounds. They had all been dead at least ten or twelve hours at this point. I kept looking and found my Agent, my friend, sitting slumped over on the floor of the kitchen, legs crossed. There was a sharpie where the agent had written on the floor next to a bottle of pills and a huge Cimeter carving knife, still covered in blood, a single word- ‘bye-bye’. The agent had taken the pills and zip-tied a plastic bag over the head.”
Sabine was shocked to say the least. She had done enough responses to crimes of violence and suicides and suicide attempts but this one was a doozey. No wonder Veronica might not feel in the holiday spirit. Evidently Veronica wasn’t done, though.
“We worked the scene for days trying to figure out why. It wasn’t an outside murder trying to stage as a suicide murder. We kept digging trying to figure out why. Part of that was having to inventory everything. Was it premeditated? Was there food and such or had they not bought any since they knew they didn’t need it? All the cabinets, the refrigerator, the amount of diapers and formula, how were their finances, all the little things you have to dig into.”
Veronica paused again. “Hell, we had to unwrap and inventory the presents under the tree!” Tears were running down Veronica’s face now. Then her voice was soft and barely audible. “Four-hundred-twenty-one pages of report, five autopsies, and five-thousand-two-hundred-seventeen pictures. We never figured out why.”
They drove in silence for a good ten minutes before Veronica spoke again.
“The real pisser. The real pisser is, as a kid I had an edict memory and as an adult to some extent I still do, but only for the bad stuff. I can tell you what each and every one of those pictures were. I can tell you whole passages from the autopsy reports. Not just for this case, but for most of my cases, and I have had some shitty cases.”
She tried to organize her thoughts but she was still scrambled.
“I just don’t want to open that trunk right now around most of the group. You don’t know how grateful I am you wanted to go to Mass. I need to put this stuff back in the trunk but you know as well as I do how hard it can be. God knows it’s hard for a normal person to even understand! I used to love Christmas! It was my favorite holiday! I hate Christmas now because of it but I can’t explain it to people. They don’t fathom it. I have to put on the false ‘happy happy’ face. You know how hard that can be?”
“Violet doesn’t have any way to relate or understand. She has led a charmed life for the most part; simple uneventful deployments, no real tragedies and so forth. The rest of the group will try to fix it using their experiences but they don’t match up. Mom and Momma Amber would try to help, but the Jensons need it more. That leaves you, but I know you are deep in whatever your own issues are and …..” Veronica seemed to run out of things to say.
Sabine took Veronica’s hand in hers and looked at her. “I understand. It’s the job, but it’s the sucky part of it. You have been there for me. I will be there for you. Maybe both of us can find some peace tonight, even if it is just for a little while.”
Ahead a light snow had begun to fall again.
