PLAY Funny Stuff Found on the Internet - REMINDER: POLITICAL HUMOR IS NOT ALLOWED ON THIS THREAD

CaryC

CaryC

Has No Life - Lives on TB
Texican

Texican

Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. ️

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe."

But what does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.

"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
 
Texican

Texican

Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning.

He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch.

He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time.

The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop.

"10:27" he said.

The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before.

He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man.

Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you tell time.

The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camel's testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"
 
Texican

Texican

Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.

As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

He looked at the woman and laughed,

"Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"

The woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No ... I never did dance ... Never really wanted to"

A crowd has gathered as the young gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old bag, you're gonna dance now!", and started shooting at the old woman's feet.

The old woman prospector - not wanting to have her toes blown off- started hopping around. Many were laughing.

When his last bullet was fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd immediately stopped laughing.

The gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched tensely as he stared at the woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in her hands as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am, but I've always wanted too"

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.

2 - Don't waste ammunition.

3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.

5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid."

️ ~John Mitchell~
 
Texican

Texican

Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
Wife and Husband… ‍♀️‍♂️
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do..."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?"(with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do.."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --silence--

HUSBAND: "Shit."
----------------------------------------

You should have your brain in gear before opening your mouth. :lkick:
 
P

Profit of Doom

Dismember
Texican said:
An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning.

He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch.

He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time.

The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop.

"10:27" he said.

The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before.

He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man.

Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you tell time.

The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camel's testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"
Click to expand...
Cheech & Chong joke, donkey.
 
thompson

thompson

Certa Bonum Certamen
P3Gc20c.jpg
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top