I was looking for a particular quote and ran across this.
True comedy writing.
1. “I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. How about a first one?” –Norm
2. “It was a magical moment. You know, it was like I was transported back in time. I wasn’t a tired old woman with six kids. I was a fresh young teenager with two kids.” –Carla
3. “Coach: “How’s life treating you, Norm?”
Norm: “Like I ran over its dog.”
4. “For your information I am not seeing anybody. But the guy who knocked me up and ran this time is ten times classier than you.” –Carla
5. “The point is you’ve got to get to know each other better if you’re going to take a big step like this. You gotta get past this early infatuation and get to the point where you’re sick and tired of each other. Then you’re ready for marriage. Look at Diane and me, we waited five years to get married. If it were up to me we’d wait another five.” –Sam
6. Carla: “There’s some things he doesn’t know about me.”
Diane: “Well a little mystery is good for a marriage. What haven’t you told him?” Carla: “Well I haven’t been completely honest about my kids.” Diane: “What haven’t you told him about your kids?” Carla: “That they live.”
7. “What’s the point of winning if you can’t humiliate the other team?” –Coach
8. “You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This’ll be the second one that I’ve cooked, and believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance.” –Rebecca
9. Sam: “What’s going on, Normie?”
Norm: “My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I’ll blow out my liver.”
10. “Oooh, a completely unprovoked personal attack. I like it!” –Carla
11. “I’ll tell you something else I haven’t had much experience: saying ‘No’ to women. The closest I’ve come is, ‘Not now, we’re landing.'” –Sam
12. “Women. You can’t live with ’em. Pass the beernuts.” –Norm
13. Diane: “Sam, can I have a brief word with you?”
Sam: “I suppose you could but I doubt it.”
14. Woody: “Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?”
Norm: “A little early isn’t it, Woody?” Woody: “For a beer?” Norm: “No, for stupid questions.”
15. “I don’t even want to make the goal, Diane. I want to be a bench warmer. The world needs bench warmers. If there were no bench warmers, what would we have? Cold benches. A lot of cold benches and the world does not need that. You know something, I’m very happy with being an anonymous cog in this field of work.” –Norm
16. Coach: “What’s the story, Norm?”
Norm: “A thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.”
17. “Sam, if brains were money you’d have to take out a loan for a cup of coffee.” –Diane
18. “You cannot believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Ya know, if you could fix TVs and crack walnuts on your forehead, you could be my ex-husband.” –Carla
19. “Oh, now you’re saying that I’m redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over!” –Frasier
20. Carla: “Diane, I heard screams.”
Diane: “Oh, I dreamt I was being murdered.” Carla: “Was I the one who was murdering you?” Diane: “No.” Carla: “Was I helping in any way?”
21. “I sold out womankind for a trip to Bermuda.” –Diane
22. “It’s a dog eat dog world, and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear.” –Norm
23. Woody: “How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?”
Norm: “Pretty nervous if I was in the room.”
24. “I like rat parts, it’s my favorite part of the hot dog!” –Sam
25. “Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it’s really no fun lying to them anymore.” –Norm
26. Sam: “How’s life treating you?”
Norm: “It’s not, Sammy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t.”
27. “When I and everyone else in the world say I love you, we are opening up the very core of our being. When you say it, you’re just clearing your throat.” –Diane (to Sam)
28. “You know I don’t ask for much in this life; fresh fish, ten cents off on laundry detergent, volcanic boils all over my ex-husband, and the Sox in the Series again before I die.” –Carla
29. Cliff: “Well Carla, it is common knowledge I’m scientifically handy. As a matter of fact I spent a good part of my youth in a laboratory.”
Carla: “And you’d still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn’t taught you how to open your cage.”
30. Cliff: What a pathetic display. I’m ashamed God made me a man.
Carla: I don’t think God’s doing a lot of bragging either.
31. Lilith: Well, I’m off. I don’t know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.
Carla: Like a body temperature?
Lilith: That’s very good, Carla. Incidentally, I’ve taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I’ll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.
32. Candi: What’s your name?
Frasier: Oh, uh… Dr. Frasier Crane.
Candi: I’m Candi.
Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an “I”.
Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a “Y” but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an “I”. You know, like Gandhi.
Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that’s why he did it.
33. Sam: Well I guess I’ve, uh, I’ve never looked at your eyes.
Diane: Is something wrong with them?
Sam: No, I uh, I just don’t think I’ve ever seen eyes that color before. Matter of fact I don’t think I’ve ever seen that color before. Yes I have, yes I have.
Diane: Where?
Sam: I was uh, I was on a ski weekend, up at Stowe. I uh, was coming in late one day – uh, last person off the slope – the sun had just gone down. And the sky became this incredible color. I usually don’t uh, notice things like that, and I found myself kind of walking around in the cold, hoping that it wouldn’t change; wishing that I had someone there to share it with me. Afterwards I tried to convince myself I had imagined that color; that I hadn’t really seen it. Nothing on this earth could be this beautiful. Now I see I was wrong. [Pause] Wouldn’t work, huh?
Diane: What?
Sam: Intelligent women would see right through that.
Diane: Oh…oh! In a minute!
34. “You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This’ll be the second one that I’ve cooked, and believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance.” — Rebecca
35. “The sex was great, but he was British and had no idea.” — Rebecca
36. “I lost my dream job, and when I walked out of that House of Pancakes, I felt two inches tall.” – Rebecca
37. Rebecca : Until I began eating clean, I never realized how a good a nice, dry rice cake could taste.
Woody : How can you eat those, Miss Howe, they don’t have any flavor.
Rebecca : Oh, if I eat these I will live longer.
Woody : Well, I have a question. You know how you’re always talking about how you hate your life? How come you wanna make it longer?
Rebecca : Shut up, Woody.
38. “What’s shaking, Norm?”
“All four cheeks & a couple of chins.”
39. “How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?”
“Poor.” “I’m sorry to hear that.” “No, I mean pour.”
40. “What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?”
“A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.'”
True comedy writing.
1. “I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. How about a first one?” –Norm
2. “It was a magical moment. You know, it was like I was transported back in time. I wasn’t a tired old woman with six kids. I was a fresh young teenager with two kids.” –Carla
3. “Coach: “How’s life treating you, Norm?”
Norm: “Like I ran over its dog.”
4. “For your information I am not seeing anybody. But the guy who knocked me up and ran this time is ten times classier than you.” –Carla
5. “The point is you’ve got to get to know each other better if you’re going to take a big step like this. You gotta get past this early infatuation and get to the point where you’re sick and tired of each other. Then you’re ready for marriage. Look at Diane and me, we waited five years to get married. If it were up to me we’d wait another five.” –Sam
6. Carla: “There’s some things he doesn’t know about me.”
Diane: “Well a little mystery is good for a marriage. What haven’t you told him?” Carla: “Well I haven’t been completely honest about my kids.” Diane: “What haven’t you told him about your kids?” Carla: “That they live.”
7. “What’s the point of winning if you can’t humiliate the other team?” –Coach
8. “You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This’ll be the second one that I’ve cooked, and believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance.” –Rebecca
9. Sam: “What’s going on, Normie?”
Norm: “My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I’ll blow out my liver.”
10. “Oooh, a completely unprovoked personal attack. I like it!” –Carla
11. “I’ll tell you something else I haven’t had much experience: saying ‘No’ to women. The closest I’ve come is, ‘Not now, we’re landing.'” –Sam
12. “Women. You can’t live with ’em. Pass the beernuts.” –Norm
13. Diane: “Sam, can I have a brief word with you?”
Sam: “I suppose you could but I doubt it.”
14. Woody: “Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?”
Norm: “A little early isn’t it, Woody?” Woody: “For a beer?” Norm: “No, for stupid questions.”
15. “I don’t even want to make the goal, Diane. I want to be a bench warmer. The world needs bench warmers. If there were no bench warmers, what would we have? Cold benches. A lot of cold benches and the world does not need that. You know something, I’m very happy with being an anonymous cog in this field of work.” –Norm
16. Coach: “What’s the story, Norm?”
Norm: “A thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.”
17. “Sam, if brains were money you’d have to take out a loan for a cup of coffee.” –Diane
18. “You cannot believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Ya know, if you could fix TVs and crack walnuts on your forehead, you could be my ex-husband.” –Carla
19. “Oh, now you’re saying that I’m redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over!” –Frasier
20. Carla: “Diane, I heard screams.”
Diane: “Oh, I dreamt I was being murdered.” Carla: “Was I the one who was murdering you?” Diane: “No.” Carla: “Was I helping in any way?”
21. “I sold out womankind for a trip to Bermuda.” –Diane
22. “It’s a dog eat dog world, and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear.” –Norm
23. Woody: “How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?”
Norm: “Pretty nervous if I was in the room.”
24. “I like rat parts, it’s my favorite part of the hot dog!” –Sam
25. “Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it’s really no fun lying to them anymore.” –Norm
26. Sam: “How’s life treating you?”
Norm: “It’s not, Sammy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t.”
27. “When I and everyone else in the world say I love you, we are opening up the very core of our being. When you say it, you’re just clearing your throat.” –Diane (to Sam)
28. “You know I don’t ask for much in this life; fresh fish, ten cents off on laundry detergent, volcanic boils all over my ex-husband, and the Sox in the Series again before I die.” –Carla
29. Cliff: “Well Carla, it is common knowledge I’m scientifically handy. As a matter of fact I spent a good part of my youth in a laboratory.”
Carla: “And you’d still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn’t taught you how to open your cage.”
30. Cliff: What a pathetic display. I’m ashamed God made me a man.
Carla: I don’t think God’s doing a lot of bragging either.
31. Lilith: Well, I’m off. I don’t know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.
Carla: Like a body temperature?
Lilith: That’s very good, Carla. Incidentally, I’ve taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I’ll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.
32. Candi: What’s your name?
Frasier: Oh, uh… Dr. Frasier Crane.
Candi: I’m Candi.
Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an “I”.
Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a “Y” but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an “I”. You know, like Gandhi.
Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that’s why he did it.
33. Sam: Well I guess I’ve, uh, I’ve never looked at your eyes.
Diane: Is something wrong with them?
Sam: No, I uh, I just don’t think I’ve ever seen eyes that color before. Matter of fact I don’t think I’ve ever seen that color before. Yes I have, yes I have.
Diane: Where?
Sam: I was uh, I was on a ski weekend, up at Stowe. I uh, was coming in late one day – uh, last person off the slope – the sun had just gone down. And the sky became this incredible color. I usually don’t uh, notice things like that, and I found myself kind of walking around in the cold, hoping that it wouldn’t change; wishing that I had someone there to share it with me. Afterwards I tried to convince myself I had imagined that color; that I hadn’t really seen it. Nothing on this earth could be this beautiful. Now I see I was wrong. [Pause] Wouldn’t work, huh?
Diane: What?
Sam: Intelligent women would see right through that.
Diane: Oh…oh! In a minute!
34. “You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This’ll be the second one that I’ve cooked, and believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance.” — Rebecca
35. “The sex was great, but he was British and had no idea.” — Rebecca
36. “I lost my dream job, and when I walked out of that House of Pancakes, I felt two inches tall.” – Rebecca
37. Rebecca : Until I began eating clean, I never realized how a good a nice, dry rice cake could taste.
Woody : How can you eat those, Miss Howe, they don’t have any flavor.
Rebecca : Oh, if I eat these I will live longer.
Woody : Well, I have a question. You know how you’re always talking about how you hate your life? How come you wanna make it longer?
Rebecca : Shut up, Woody.
38. “What’s shaking, Norm?”
“All four cheeks & a couple of chins.”
39. “How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?”
“Poor.” “I’m sorry to hear that.” “No, I mean pour.”
40. “What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?”
“A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.'”
