PLAY Funny Stuff Found on the Internet - REMINDER: POLITICAL HUMOR IS NOT ALLOWED ON THIS THREAD
- Thread starter packyderms_wife
- Start date
Bud in Fla
Veteran Member
Roger Thornhill
Some irascible old curmudgeon
Roger Thornhill
Some irascible old curmudgeon
Roger Thornhill
Some irascible old curmudgeon
Roger Thornhill
Some irascible old curmudgeon
Roger Thornhill
Some irascible old curmudgeon
Roger Thornhill
Some irascible old curmudgeon
Texican
Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age, I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age, I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Texican
Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what? asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me”.
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what? asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me”.
Texican
Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.
“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”
“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different rooster,” he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”
The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.
“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”
“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different rooster,” he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”
Texican
Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so Fred bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out his efficiency report by just... listening to the bells.
Fred's favorite rooster, Old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this one morning he noticed that Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, Old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, perform his duties and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of Old Butch, that he entered him in the County Fair, and Old Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The judges not only awarded Old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on an unsuspecting populace and taking advantage of them when they weren't paying attention.
This took a lot of time, so Fred bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out his efficiency report by just... listening to the bells.
Fred's favorite rooster, Old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this one morning he noticed that Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, Old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, perform his duties and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of Old Butch, that he entered him in the County Fair, and Old Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The judges not only awarded Old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on an unsuspecting populace and taking advantage of them when they weren't paying attention.
Texican
Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
An engineer dies and is sent to hell.
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil: "What's up?"
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil: "What's up?"
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
pauldingbabe
The Great Cat
Pat Hogen
Contributing Member
And you would be an instrument of that same material!
Tristan
Has No Life - Lives on TB
Roger Thornhill
Some irascible old curmudgeon
Roger Thornhill
Some irascible old curmudgeon
Roger Thornhill
Some irascible old curmudgeon
Roger Thornhill
Some irascible old curmudgeon
Roger Thornhill
Some irascible old curmudgeon
Roger Thornhill
Some irascible old curmudgeon
Roger Thornhill
Some irascible old curmudgeon
I don’t find this story funny at all. A missing toddler is a very serious issue, as evidenced by all the first responder manpower. I’d tan that kid’s hide once found.The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what? asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me”.
This is why there aren’t flying cars. Once the “common man” got ahold of them, the drunk driving “accidents” would then involve innocent people below.
packyderms_wife
Neither here nor there.
Profit of Doom
Dismember
Looks like chocolate donut with chopped peanuts.
Profit of Doom
Dismember
Brought to you by Pfizer.
There were 7 of us. As adults, we had all gotten together. Mom was there, too. We started telling each other all the dumb stuff we did when we were kids, and laughing about it. Mom's eyes got wider and wider. She said, "I always wondered who did that!" We laughed even harder.
Man those squirrels are wasted, didn't you notice they chewed your Pot plant!
Profit of Doom
Dismember
Imagine if they were also vaccinated.