PLAY Tell Us What Kind Of Coffee Your Church Serves And We'll Tell You What Denomination You Are

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Church · Aug 4, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
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All churches that truly love Jesus serve coffee, but did you know that you can actually tell what denomination a church is by what coffee it serves?
Here are 17 different forms of caffeinated goodness and what church you'll find them in:
  1. Dunkin' — Southern Baptist: Obviously.
  2. Medium roast — Non-denominational: Smooth and palatable.
  3. Grande Caramel Macchiato in a venti cup, upside down, with split milks, extra shots, and no top drizzle — some friggin' Acts 29 church: You know who they are.
  4. Boba tea — the Korean church that meets after your church: So many Hondas in the parking lot.
  5. Yuban, brewed last week — Catholic: Your penance begins now.
  6. Same, but really watered down — Anglican: Mmm, delicious.
  7. Tim Hortons — Oh no, you're not at a Church... you're in Canada!: Abort, abort!
  8. Decaf — Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church: HERESY ALERT.
  9. Black coffee with no stirring sticks — Church of Christ: No sticks, no temptation to start drumming.
  10. Frozen coffee, extra ice — Presbyterian: They will not move and neither shall the coffee.
  11. Craft IPA — Reformed: With an alcohol content of 9%, you know it's Reformed.
  12. Whatever coffee was already in the pot — Calvinist: It's not up to you, bub.
  13. Quintuple espresso — Assemblies of God: The shakes are about to start.
  14. Anything with oat milk — Gay Church: Could be Methodist, Lutheran, Episcopalian. You never know these days.
  15. The leftover dregs of coffee from five years ago — Lutheran: It's what you deserve, you depraved wretch!
  16. Still waiting on a decision from the Coffee Committee — Methodist: They're just running it by a couple more committees.
  17. Starbucks — You are in Hell: Not good.


babylonbee.com

Tell Us What Kind Of Coffee Your Church Serves And We'll Tell You What Denomination You Are

All churches that truly love Jesus serve coffee, but did you know that you can actually tell what denomination a church is by what coffee it serves?
babylonbee.com babylonbee.com
 
Owner is UCC. He says to tell you they drink Maxwell House served in white porcelain cups half & half and sugar available.

Wash and rack your own cup afterwards. They're not your mother.

And stirred with a common spoon left on the napkin for the next in line to use.

I guess that fits the analysis.

Dobbin
 
Maine Yankee baptist local very small 200 y.o. Church: drink our own organic self-grind , gentled down a bit with sweetened almond milk, and a dose or two of real maple syrup… at home before getting to church. We don’t reveal our habits, not worth the explanations. Don’t ask, don’t tell….
 
LOL, Babylon Bee is so funny! Hilarious about the Calvinist church: it's not up to you, bub!

Well, we're not a non denominational church but we have a deal with a coffee shop down the road from us such that they deliver medium roast coffee every Sunday morning (we're building a new building now on our property, so we're currently meeting in the public high school across the street until completion, which hopefully will be within the next 2 months). This coffee is fully caffeinated, so my wife can't drink it (too much caffeine is not good for her heart rate, etc.). Before that, we made our own coffee using a high power coffee grinder and Bunn coffeemakers; I think we will return to that when we get in our new building.
 
Samuel Adams said:
Must be a very old Lutheran thing ?

Modern version would be a Cosmopolitan or a Strawberry Daiquiri.

:popcorn3:
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I was raised Lutheran, and I remember my dad taking me to the local bar when I was a kid, and our pastor would be in there smoking cigarettes and drinking beer.

Then we got a new pastor some years later, and at a local picnic I saw that one drinking beer and smoking cigars.

My mom got awful frustrated when I was 16 years old, as I told her my long hair "was like Jesus' hair, and I was drinking beer and smoking like our pastors did."
 
I went to the Oktoberfest celebration at a Lutheran church in East Texas some years ago. I sat outside in the shade drinking beer and eating grilled Brats with the Lutheran Pastor and the local Catholic Priest. Since all three of us were of German ancestry we talked about any and everything German. It was quite an interesting time. Prost! :chg:

PS: The coffee urn was always the first thing turned on before any function in that church. It's a tradition in every Lutheran church I have ever visited or been a member of. The brand of coffee varied - not the cheapest but not the most expensive. Just good old drinkable coffee and always lots of it. And I mean lots of it. :cmpcf:
 
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Rucus Sunday said:
  1. Quintuple espresso — Assemblies of God: The shakes are about to start.
LOL! Actually, they should have just said Pentecostal. The AoG is quite tame
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Might be tough to discern between caffine jitters and trembles in the HS. God works in strange ways indeed!
Back when I was fellowshipping at a small 1835 nondenom Church here in Maine we had three urns at the back of the sanctuary; one for hi-test and the other unleaded. We also had assorted tea bags and a small urn for hot water. Some churches don't allow coffee in the sanctury as people are constantly spilling it on the pews, rugs, themselves and each other.
There were a few congregants for whom coffee wasn't quite enough; they'd have to leave occasionally to go have a cigarette in the parking lot, occasionally with a friend in their car, and every now and then coming back in and collapsing in their pew - perhaps "slain in the spirit" for the duration of the service. Someone would cover them with a blanket and we'd just leave them alone. Then there were the "panic attacks" - mostly women - which looked a lot to me like withdrawal symptoms, but what do I know? I'm just a former State Cop. They'd have to rush off for a "Doctor's appointment". We couldn't get through a prayer meeting without someone having to leave early for their Doctor's appointment. Then there was the couple who came to Thursday prayer meeting just in time for the free lunch to be served, and as soon as they got done eating.... you guessed it; "Doctor appointment".
Recently saw a U-Tube blurb about how the AoG is the fastest growing denomination in America, while the traditional established Churches are dwindling and in some cases shutting down. Muslims seem quite happy to buy dead churches and turn them into Mosques, then attack anyone who dares to walk their dog past them on the sidewalk. Lewiston and to some extent Portland are essentially under Sharia law with sizeable enclaves as "No-go" zones. Feral "youths" and "Teens" are armed to the teeth and seem to enjoy engaging in urban tribal warfare... and God, Allah or whoever is on duty at any given time have mercy on anyone caught in the crossfire.
 
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