Bunkerdown
Contributing Member
Don't worry about us! Enjoy where you are, we will certainly be here when you get a chance to continue your amazing storytelling. Thanks for everything so far and please understand, we truly do appreciate it.
Story Starting Over ... and Over and Over
- Thread starter Kathy in FL
- Start date
teedee
Veteran Member
I can wait till Sunday to find out the results of the sole searing kiss. It is nice to know that the next chapter is written. I have been troubled by the feel of insistence that I have been reading into the MSG'S posted here. Know that I will be very glad at anything that you give us at any time. THANK YOU!!!
Dosadi
Brown Coat
Glad to hear your well.
My brother was looking at moving to somewhere down there and kept bragging to me how they had such hot internet. I told him I doubted it, but he's nearly as stubborn as me. Gonna get a kick outta telling him a boots on the ground story about it.
Dosadi
Oh F5 cause ya know we love ya n your story. ;-)
My brother was looking at moving to somewhere down there and kept bragging to me how they had such hot internet. I told him I doubted it, but he's nearly as stubborn as me. Gonna get a kick outta telling him a boots on the ground story about it.
Dosadi
Oh F5 cause ya know we love ya n your story. ;-)
Sammy55
Veteran Member
Oh, wow, Kathy!! I didn't know you were on vacay!! What a wonderful treat!!
Don't worry about us. We're fine here waiting for another chapter. (And, yes, most of us want to find out about this searing kiss!! LOL!!)
We'll be waiting here for you, hitting our F5 whenever we want to see what's up. But at least we know that you are still around and not MIA.
Enjoy your trip!! I envy you. We haven't done much of anything fun yet this summer except work, work, work and chase grandkids. And summer is over 1/2 over. Maybe we'll have a chance to get away next month.
Don't worry about us. We're fine here waiting for another chapter. (And, yes, most of us want to find out about this searing kiss!! LOL!!)
We'll be waiting here for you, hitting our F5 whenever we want to see what's up. But at least we know that you are still around and not MIA.
Enjoy your trip!! I envy you. We haven't done much of anything fun yet this summer except work, work, work and chase grandkids. And summer is over 1/2 over. Maybe we'll have a chance to get away next month.
sssarawolf
Has No Life - Lives on TB
Hey don;t forget to show us the pics later 
Siskiyoumom
Veteran Member
Cool beans and safe travels dear lady!
RememberGoliad
Veteran Member
Glad you're doing well and enjoying yourself. Guess I'll wait until Sunday to find out who dropped a smooch on Shanna. I just hope she has opened her eyes by now and SHE knows who it is tickling her tonsils instead of just presuming it's Clint.... 
I'm back. It wasn't really a pleasure vacation so much as a work/charity sort of thing that brought pleasure. Helped some people, made some connections, yada, yada … good Lord it is hot down there. The humidity is near 100% all day long here but down there it is like hell's back door plus humidity despite it only being 85 degrees or so. Not even walking on the beach was pleasant … in my opinion. You take two steps and you are winging wet. St. Maarten was a bust for us … too many people still sitting around waiting for someone else to take care of their problems. They're also waiting for insurance checks to do the repair work at the larger venues … and will likely be waiting so long that the places will never reopen simply because they've been allowed to deteriorate too far. San Juan was nice though even if the higher end areas the repairs are hit or miss. And La Perla is quite frankly still a disaster area … that's the land between the sea and the old city wall that has the forts on either end. But the place has lots of potential if people would just invest themselves and stop waiting around for the government to fix their problems. Haiti was a mess, 'nuff said but we were there for charity so we didn't expect any different. We were on the coast rather than the interior so didn't see any violence and in fact the people were extremely nice and appreciative of every little thing.
So … here is what I've been trying to post. Sorry you had to wait.
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Chapter 72
Clint was still in my face when he exclaimed, “You’re here! Thank god!”
I was trying to find enough oxygen for my lungs not to act brain damaged. Responding with what little intellect I was able to muster I answered, “Uh … yes … yes I am … here.”
He was pale when he told me, “I got your text that you left Asheville. Then I heard there was a bad accident on I-40. I called and called but …”
And then I saw it. Real shock and fear. Not made up. Not something to distract me or roll me. Nothing the least similar to what Kirk would have done in the same circumstances to avoid talking about what needed talking about. This was Clint being Clint. To stave off some of the worry he’d been feeling I told him, “We’re fine. The phones have been acting funny since Friday.”
“We?”
Slightly perplexed that he’d ask I responded, “Carra and I.”
He was obviously startled. “Carra is here?! Wait, that wasn’t the plan even yesterday. What about Thanksgiving with Keller?”
I gave him the general outline of what occurred and how Robert thought it would be better all around if Carra cut her visit short. “Carra was ready to go by then.” I didn’t mention why I was also ready to go by then.
“Where is she?” he asked, looking over his shoulder like he expected Carra to simply materialize.
“Over at Lindy’s catching up on the school she missed. And before I forget, call your Aunt Daffy to let her know whether you are going to the family Thanksgiving dinner.”
“I’ll call in a while. Right now …”. He stopped for a moment took a deep breath and said, “We need to talk.” I waited him out, putting into practice what I’d learned in counseling. He stuttered, “You … saw a … er … file … folder.”
I didn’t even bother denying it. Nonchalantly I said, “You must have dropped it when you dumped your briefcase, and everything fell out. I found it under the coffee cabinet after you left.”
“And you read it.”
“Yes.”
“Dammit.”
I stepped away and tried to distance myself but Clint stepped in front of my exit. “Wait. Shanna I swear, I’m not cursing at you. I’m … I’m cursing because I should have talked to you about it before and now I’m not … dammit I’m not quite sure you even want to hear me try and explain.”
Trying to respond calmly and not go off on him the way I was half-way tempted to I said, “Clint, you could have asked. I wouldn’t have … enjoyed … answering the kind of questions that came up in the file … or any question you might have had about that part of my past … but I would have been honest. You … you never even gave me a chance.”
He sighed. “Sit with me? But not here. It’s like ice in here. Let’s go to my office and I’ll light a fire. Please.”
So I did. One way or the the other I needed to know where I stood. The worry that Clint didn’t truly cared for me was gone but as Keller had said that night, I’m too old to think that love conquers all. While I’d seen the look in his eyes when he thought I might have been in that car pile up, I knew we needed more than just raw emotion. And it hadn’t been about Carra either as he thought she was till in Asheville so that was at least a little reassuring. That at least made me feel like there was something to work with. I followed him into the office and then waited him out again as he lit a fire that drove the chill out of the room if not out of my heart.
“Sit with me?”
So I sat and then waited for him to start. I also tried very hard to control my anxiety.
It looked like he was trying to control his own anxiety but he finally started. “Some of the family went to Reave to ask wether he could determine what was true and what wasn’t as far as the rumors that were flying. It was right around the time that we discovered the extent to which some of the outside agents were willing to instigate problems in the family with innuendo and financial blackmail. Reave said it wasn’t retaliatory on his part – that he swears to and I believe him – but they put him in a difficult position and Reave only knows one way - his way - of figuring things out. Complicating that is this was all done without going to or through George Crocker whose job this sort of thing is supposed to be. He’s … upset. Strike that, he’s royally pissed off that the questions were handled the way they were. He said your references had all panned out as had everything on your resume. He was offended that they thought he would do such a poor job of weeding out any undesirable applicants.”
More relieved than I had realized I was I asked, “Mr. Crocker didn’t know?”
“No, he didn’t. He wants to talk to you about that part of it.”
Setting that part aside for the moment I said, “If he said he didn’t, then he didn’t. I trust him. He’s always been very upfront, even when he had a concern of some type.”
Clint winced like I’d struck him. “Well, that will make him feel some better at least.” He cleared his throat then continued. “Reave can be … a damn lawyer in how he approaches things. Sometimes that is good and sometimes … not. I’m not making excuses for me or him. It’s just we are the way we are for a reason. And some of the things the PI found were … they appeared …”
I was perhaps blunter than necessary when I finished his sentence by saying, “It made me sound like either an idiot or that I had to be a mercenary bitch.”
I managed to shock him. “Shanna!”
“Are you telling me you read it some other way? Because if so then you don’t have half the intelligence I’ve always credited you with having.”
“Er …”
Continuing to be bluntly forthright I told him, “I’m going to say this once. Yes, at one point I was completely blind to Kirk’s … less than stellar personality traits. It took a long time to get where I was with Kirk and a long time to escape what my life had become … both because of Kirk and because of my own shortcomings. I neither saw nor experienced the negatives while we were dating, he was always very supportive. I still believe his actions then to be honest and true … and will continue so until concrete proof can be shown me otherwise. The cracks started forming after his mother died, but then again I don’t think I was prepared for what life threw at us either. When exactly it was that things started to … deteriorate beyond normal wear and tear I don’t know; sometime after his mother’s death is all I can tell you. Before that everything was still fresh and new; we were both still fresh and new. What I can tell you is that most of those stories the PI heard are either false or exaggerated, but I wasn’t an angel and I’ve already copped to that multiple times.”
“Sweetheart …”
Then I got down to the nitty gritty. “Please let me finish. I found out things about Kirk in that file that I never knew. I didn’t know that he was engaged to a girl before me. I didn’t know about the inheritance from his grandparents. I didn’t know about some of his … activities … while we were separated. And I certainly didn’t have any contact with him after the divorce was final until right before I accepted the offer to come here to work. That night in Asheville has been the one and only time that I’ve had any contact with him since coming here to work. Same for Maria – or Sophia or whatever she is calling herself now. I didn’t know about his second wife or the child. And quite frankly none of the above that occurred after the divorce is any of my business. I left everything and everyone behind, just like I said I did. I’m shed of him in more ways that one, but I would like to know why you felt it necessary to investigate me rather than trust me to be honest with you.”
He ran his hand through his hair in angry irritation. “I knew … KNEW … that is how you were going to feel. That’s why when I found out about the investigation Reave did I demanded he turn it all over to me. I should have just chunked the damn thing in the burn barrel but … I read it and … and then … dammit Shanna … I knew the person he described wasn’t the woman that I held in my arms at night.”
“But?”
“No buts.” I just looked at him. “Okay, there were buts in my head but not in my heart. I … I needed to know, and then that final report from the PI came to Reave retracting or correcting many of the stories and I felt vindicated. And of the remaining ones he said he couldn’t find any supporting evidence and they were meaningless to begin with. He did include a few tidbits about the Jackass and then after Asheville I felt it necessary to find out what I could about the guy. I asked for everything he had on him but I wanted facts, not innuendo. And … as you saw, I got it. Honest to god Shanna, I wouldn’t have dumped that on you like that. I wasn’t even going to tell you, I was … I had … dammit I guess I just had some idea that I would be able to protect you from it all.”
We both fell silent. I felt like I was at a crossroad. I could believe Clint and move one direction, or I could choose the other path and the destination would be quite different.
“Clint …”
It must have cost Clint some pride to admit where his motives came from instead of expecting me to choose him regardless of his motives. “Shanna … Sweetheart … I should have spoken to you but you were so … terrified of him. But you didn’t seem to realize how scared of him you were. I didn’t understand it then and to be honest still don’t.”
“I …”. I stoped the automatic denial and restarted. “Fine. I’m … more than just mildly uncomfortable when Kirk is around. He triggers a response in me that I can’t really quantify or explain. I wasn’t lying about the fact he never got physically violent against me … except for that one night. Regardless of that I am no longer with Kirk. I don’t even live in the same state. And no matter what happens here between us I’m fairly certain I don’t even plan on moving back to Florida. There’s nothing left me for there, not even a past I can hold onto. It’s all gone. I thought, at least after a time I thought, that I was building a new life here. A life without constantly having to watch my back in quite the same way.”
I got up and would have paced except for all of the furniture in the way. I did step away from the fire and it was cold. It made me wonder if cold was what I had to look forward to for the rest of my life. I was exhausted and emotionally wasted. I’d battled myself several times out of an anxiety attack while in Asheville and been on the edge of one since being back at the Big House. It was like going back to where I had been. I thought I had dealt with the past but it looked like all I was doing, yet again, was keeping it at bay.
I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing and in one of my passes by the desk I wrapped my foot around one of the legs and I started to go down. Clint caught me but when I tried to step back he wouldn’t let go. He held me uncomfortably tight and just stared into my eyes.
“We can work through this Shanna. There’s no reason for you to run.”
Given my state of mind he was lucky I wasn’t sprinting in the opposite direction. Instead I said, “Does it look like I running? I’m right here. I could have left Carra in Asheville. I could have left Robert and Susan to deal with their little disaster on their own. I could have chucked it all and left after bringing Carra back to you. I’ve done none of that.”
“Given the way you’re pacing, if you were going in a straight line you’d be half way to the Estate gates by now.”
“But I’m not.”
“But do you want to be?”
I snapped my eyes up to his ready to give him what for but stopped short when I saw the look in his eyes that he was trying to hide. And I realized yet again that I wasn’t the only one coming off of a bad relationship that had left marks. Mine were all out for too many people to see. Clint had learned to hide his, but that didn’t mean they weren’t there.
“No. I don’t want to leave,” I told him quietly.
He didn’t relax as I expected him to.
“But?”
I shook my head. “No buts. I just have to learn to live with the fact that my past is also part of my present whether I want it to be or not. There’s no escaping it, there’s only learning to live with it … over and over and over again.”
“That’s … that’s not what I mean to happen.”
“Fine.”
A little hesitantly, like he was afraid to believe me, he asked, “You … believe me?”
I shrugged. “If I expect you to believe me then I need to give you the same courtesy. All … look all I ask is that … if you have questions … if other people have questions … just ask me outright. Don’t go behind my back and talk to people about a problem or concern or whatever. That’s the thing I … Clint I’m not comparing the two of you or anything … just that’s what Kirk would do. It was a way to control me, change me … as if he couldn’t talk to me and expect that if something was that important to him that I wouldn’t find a way to compromise. Or maybe he wasn’t after compromise but total capitulation and wanted as many people on his side as possible. I don’t know. Just I really don’t want to live that way again. If you need something from me just tell me.”
His hug was gentler than his hold had been. He whispered into my hair, “Damn, you’re a forgiving woman.”
I pushed him away enough to tell him, “This isn’t about forgiving though I suppose it could be seen that way. I’m just asking if something I do creates a problem, situation, question, or whatever that you give me first dibs on trying to address it.”
“Sweetheart I told you I knew …”
I forestalled him by saying, “Not just you. If your family has questions, or has a problem with me or with something I do or the way I do it, I would prefer they deal with me one or one. You don’t need to run interference all the time. One, you are in a position that … that might not … look, I just need to be able to hold my own. My life has been like one Sword of Damocles hanging over my head after another, and I’m just tired of living like that. I may never be the best possible partner you could have when dealing with everything that goes on here on the Estate, but I’d like to have the chance to be the best I can be at being your partner. And I know there are things that I have to learn so I can be the best I can be. You can’t learn it for me, and sometimes the best lessons come from mistakes, even unintentional ones. And given your position, your family needs to see that I mean them no harm, mean you no harm, that I don’t mean to usurp power or anything anachronistic like that … in fact only want the best for them, for you, for us. That won’t happen if I’m not willing to prove myself. I can’t hide away from the present anymore than I can the past.” A little hesitantly I asked, “Does any of that make any sense?”
“Yeah it does,” he answered before adding. “I really didn’t not tell you to hurt you … I meant the opposite.”
“One of the hardest lessons that has come out of the insanity that has been my life is that nothing gets better, no problem gets fixed, by hiding my head in the sand. I may not be very good at being me, but I’m the only me there is and …”. I forgot what I was going to say because he kissed me again. Not the panicked kiss that he’d given me when he found me at the piano but one, if possible, that rattled me even more with its promise.
Like he was swearing an oath he told me, “We’ll work on things. I’ll work on things.” Then he added a plea. “Just don’t shut me out. I know it probably took a lot to … to force the issue … and to be willing to let it go. Just … don’t shut me out because I screwed up. And this may be crass as hell and you can say no … but I need to go lay down. I’d like us to do it together. Upstairs. In my bedroom … that I want to be our bedroom. Not for sex but because I need to Sweetheart.”
“Clint?”
“My head has a damn jackhammer in it. This has been a hell of a week. I’m relieved more than I can explain.”
“So the meetings went well?”
“Not the damn meetings Shanna … you … me … us. I … I thought you wouldn’t want to come home.”
“Oh Clint.”
“Let’s just go lie down for a bit. Until Carra comes home? Please?”
I reached around him and turned off the gas to the fireplace and then started leading him out of his office and up the stairs.
A little surprised but relieved he asked, “Sweetheart? You’re sure?”
“You aren’t the only one that has had a few sleepless nights.”
At the landing he whispered against my neck, “Let me make it up to you.”
“There’s nothing to make up. And besides, you have a headache. Where is your ‘medicine’?”
He pulled it out of his pocket and I noticed it was still just as full as it had been when I gave it to him the morning he left. “I had to be careful during the depositions. They wanted to make sure that Reave and I weren’t on any kind of medication or homeopathic remedies or anything that could possibly influence our statements and be used against us.”
Having experienced lawyers more than I ever cared to again, that still sounded strange. “Going a bit far on that. It’s peppermint oil for heaven’s sake. What were they after?”
“Anything to throw us off. Eventually though the judge involved got tired of their hijinks and surprised everyone by giving a summary judgement and ordering immediate liquidation of all assets. Then bankruptcy judge threw their case out and the judge overseeing the other stuff … man it was wild. You should have heard all of the crowing and squawking. And supposedly they pierced the corporate veil somehow and some of the plaintiffs are going after the personal assets of the investors. I don’t know if they’ll get anything, but the judge paved the way for them to try. Reave and I cashed their check as fast as we could because I have a feeling that those that don’t may find their remittances aren’t worth the paper they were written on, even with them being cashier checks if someone freezes their accounts.”
“Doesn’t that sort of thing normally take weeks, if not months?”
“Yes it does,” he answered with a wince as he tried to bend down to take his shoes off. I pushed his hands away and bent down myself to do it because frankly he looked like he was about to topple over. He didn’t make a fuss which told me how bad he felt. Instead he explained, “In lieu of some of the monies owed, I negotiated to take that sliver of land … the Estate is now whole once again … but I got them on it.”
At my questioning look he grinned wickedly. “They used a lowered property appraisal in their documents to try and lower the fees they were going to reimburse us with. Plus, they had already done some improvements on the land for drainage and fencing at the corner boundary with the forestry land and the highway.”
“So are you completely finished with them or is there anything left to deal with?”
“As finished as I can make it. Reave is paid back and made whole. All of the family that donated personal savings above and beyond any loan payments have been made whole. And I’ve got three-quarters of my liquidity back plus Reave saw to it that I have a personal stake in that bit of land. Cody knows a guy that wants to selectively harvest some of the non-indigenous trees out of the land for his craftsmen guild … they are going to pay top-dollar for the trees because of their size … and there are several groves of fruit trees in there that Cody is asking to go in shares with me to harvest for his personal use and to send down to the co-op. All of that extra cash will hopefully go a ways toward giving me seed money for any projects we decide to do around here. And remember the old hotel that the investment group had purchased in town?”
“Yes. Is the family going to look for a new venue for selling their wines locally?”
“Even better. My cousin Grady … he’s a grandson to Aunt Florence … is retiring from the military and moving home but he wasn’t exactly wild about moving in with his parents or grandparents until he could get his own place. His wife has a degree in hotel management and is former military herself. They’ve decided to take over the lease and have been offered an option to buy the location outright if it turns out to be as successful as they are saying it can be made into being. The Estate will provide the river and horseback riding experience, they plan on it be a venue for weddings – local and regional – and they are also going to have a restaurant and possibly even a Sunday buffet type thing. And …”
The fireplace had finally taken the chill out of the room and we were laying down – Clint asking me to wear one of his flannel shirts until my clothes could be moved upstairs. I turned to see that he’d fallen asleep in the middle of his portfolio of plans and I gave a small shake of my head. There were very dark circle under his eyes and I suspected he would sleep the remainder of the day and possibly the night away. I set my watch to vibrate an alarm in a couple of hours so that I could get up and make dinner and take care of other things delayed by my unexpected stay out of town.
So … here is what I've been trying to post. Sorry you had to wait.
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Chapter 72
Clint was still in my face when he exclaimed, “You’re here! Thank god!”
I was trying to find enough oxygen for my lungs not to act brain damaged. Responding with what little intellect I was able to muster I answered, “Uh … yes … yes I am … here.”
He was pale when he told me, “I got your text that you left Asheville. Then I heard there was a bad accident on I-40. I called and called but …”
And then I saw it. Real shock and fear. Not made up. Not something to distract me or roll me. Nothing the least similar to what Kirk would have done in the same circumstances to avoid talking about what needed talking about. This was Clint being Clint. To stave off some of the worry he’d been feeling I told him, “We’re fine. The phones have been acting funny since Friday.”
“We?”
Slightly perplexed that he’d ask I responded, “Carra and I.”
He was obviously startled. “Carra is here?! Wait, that wasn’t the plan even yesterday. What about Thanksgiving with Keller?”
I gave him the general outline of what occurred and how Robert thought it would be better all around if Carra cut her visit short. “Carra was ready to go by then.” I didn’t mention why I was also ready to go by then.
“Where is she?” he asked, looking over his shoulder like he expected Carra to simply materialize.
“Over at Lindy’s catching up on the school she missed. And before I forget, call your Aunt Daffy to let her know whether you are going to the family Thanksgiving dinner.”
“I’ll call in a while. Right now …”. He stopped for a moment took a deep breath and said, “We need to talk.” I waited him out, putting into practice what I’d learned in counseling. He stuttered, “You … saw a … er … file … folder.”
I didn’t even bother denying it. Nonchalantly I said, “You must have dropped it when you dumped your briefcase, and everything fell out. I found it under the coffee cabinet after you left.”
“And you read it.”
“Yes.”
“Dammit.”
I stepped away and tried to distance myself but Clint stepped in front of my exit. “Wait. Shanna I swear, I’m not cursing at you. I’m … I’m cursing because I should have talked to you about it before and now I’m not … dammit I’m not quite sure you even want to hear me try and explain.”
Trying to respond calmly and not go off on him the way I was half-way tempted to I said, “Clint, you could have asked. I wouldn’t have … enjoyed … answering the kind of questions that came up in the file … or any question you might have had about that part of my past … but I would have been honest. You … you never even gave me a chance.”
He sighed. “Sit with me? But not here. It’s like ice in here. Let’s go to my office and I’ll light a fire. Please.”
So I did. One way or the the other I needed to know where I stood. The worry that Clint didn’t truly cared for me was gone but as Keller had said that night, I’m too old to think that love conquers all. While I’d seen the look in his eyes when he thought I might have been in that car pile up, I knew we needed more than just raw emotion. And it hadn’t been about Carra either as he thought she was till in Asheville so that was at least a little reassuring. That at least made me feel like there was something to work with. I followed him into the office and then waited him out again as he lit a fire that drove the chill out of the room if not out of my heart.
“Sit with me?”
So I sat and then waited for him to start. I also tried very hard to control my anxiety.
It looked like he was trying to control his own anxiety but he finally started. “Some of the family went to Reave to ask wether he could determine what was true and what wasn’t as far as the rumors that were flying. It was right around the time that we discovered the extent to which some of the outside agents were willing to instigate problems in the family with innuendo and financial blackmail. Reave said it wasn’t retaliatory on his part – that he swears to and I believe him – but they put him in a difficult position and Reave only knows one way - his way - of figuring things out. Complicating that is this was all done without going to or through George Crocker whose job this sort of thing is supposed to be. He’s … upset. Strike that, he’s royally pissed off that the questions were handled the way they were. He said your references had all panned out as had everything on your resume. He was offended that they thought he would do such a poor job of weeding out any undesirable applicants.”
More relieved than I had realized I was I asked, “Mr. Crocker didn’t know?”
“No, he didn’t. He wants to talk to you about that part of it.”
Setting that part aside for the moment I said, “If he said he didn’t, then he didn’t. I trust him. He’s always been very upfront, even when he had a concern of some type.”
Clint winced like I’d struck him. “Well, that will make him feel some better at least.” He cleared his throat then continued. “Reave can be … a damn lawyer in how he approaches things. Sometimes that is good and sometimes … not. I’m not making excuses for me or him. It’s just we are the way we are for a reason. And some of the things the PI found were … they appeared …”
I was perhaps blunter than necessary when I finished his sentence by saying, “It made me sound like either an idiot or that I had to be a mercenary bitch.”
I managed to shock him. “Shanna!”
“Are you telling me you read it some other way? Because if so then you don’t have half the intelligence I’ve always credited you with having.”
“Er …”
Continuing to be bluntly forthright I told him, “I’m going to say this once. Yes, at one point I was completely blind to Kirk’s … less than stellar personality traits. It took a long time to get where I was with Kirk and a long time to escape what my life had become … both because of Kirk and because of my own shortcomings. I neither saw nor experienced the negatives while we were dating, he was always very supportive. I still believe his actions then to be honest and true … and will continue so until concrete proof can be shown me otherwise. The cracks started forming after his mother died, but then again I don’t think I was prepared for what life threw at us either. When exactly it was that things started to … deteriorate beyond normal wear and tear I don’t know; sometime after his mother’s death is all I can tell you. Before that everything was still fresh and new; we were both still fresh and new. What I can tell you is that most of those stories the PI heard are either false or exaggerated, but I wasn’t an angel and I’ve already copped to that multiple times.”
“Sweetheart …”
Then I got down to the nitty gritty. “Please let me finish. I found out things about Kirk in that file that I never knew. I didn’t know that he was engaged to a girl before me. I didn’t know about the inheritance from his grandparents. I didn’t know about some of his … activities … while we were separated. And I certainly didn’t have any contact with him after the divorce was final until right before I accepted the offer to come here to work. That night in Asheville has been the one and only time that I’ve had any contact with him since coming here to work. Same for Maria – or Sophia or whatever she is calling herself now. I didn’t know about his second wife or the child. And quite frankly none of the above that occurred after the divorce is any of my business. I left everything and everyone behind, just like I said I did. I’m shed of him in more ways that one, but I would like to know why you felt it necessary to investigate me rather than trust me to be honest with you.”
He ran his hand through his hair in angry irritation. “I knew … KNEW … that is how you were going to feel. That’s why when I found out about the investigation Reave did I demanded he turn it all over to me. I should have just chunked the damn thing in the burn barrel but … I read it and … and then … dammit Shanna … I knew the person he described wasn’t the woman that I held in my arms at night.”
“But?”
“No buts.” I just looked at him. “Okay, there were buts in my head but not in my heart. I … I needed to know, and then that final report from the PI came to Reave retracting or correcting many of the stories and I felt vindicated. And of the remaining ones he said he couldn’t find any supporting evidence and they were meaningless to begin with. He did include a few tidbits about the Jackass and then after Asheville I felt it necessary to find out what I could about the guy. I asked for everything he had on him but I wanted facts, not innuendo. And … as you saw, I got it. Honest to god Shanna, I wouldn’t have dumped that on you like that. I wasn’t even going to tell you, I was … I had … dammit I guess I just had some idea that I would be able to protect you from it all.”
We both fell silent. I felt like I was at a crossroad. I could believe Clint and move one direction, or I could choose the other path and the destination would be quite different.
“Clint …”
It must have cost Clint some pride to admit where his motives came from instead of expecting me to choose him regardless of his motives. “Shanna … Sweetheart … I should have spoken to you but you were so … terrified of him. But you didn’t seem to realize how scared of him you were. I didn’t understand it then and to be honest still don’t.”
“I …”. I stoped the automatic denial and restarted. “Fine. I’m … more than just mildly uncomfortable when Kirk is around. He triggers a response in me that I can’t really quantify or explain. I wasn’t lying about the fact he never got physically violent against me … except for that one night. Regardless of that I am no longer with Kirk. I don’t even live in the same state. And no matter what happens here between us I’m fairly certain I don’t even plan on moving back to Florida. There’s nothing left me for there, not even a past I can hold onto. It’s all gone. I thought, at least after a time I thought, that I was building a new life here. A life without constantly having to watch my back in quite the same way.”
I got up and would have paced except for all of the furniture in the way. I did step away from the fire and it was cold. It made me wonder if cold was what I had to look forward to for the rest of my life. I was exhausted and emotionally wasted. I’d battled myself several times out of an anxiety attack while in Asheville and been on the edge of one since being back at the Big House. It was like going back to where I had been. I thought I had dealt with the past but it looked like all I was doing, yet again, was keeping it at bay.
I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing and in one of my passes by the desk I wrapped my foot around one of the legs and I started to go down. Clint caught me but when I tried to step back he wouldn’t let go. He held me uncomfortably tight and just stared into my eyes.
“We can work through this Shanna. There’s no reason for you to run.”
Given my state of mind he was lucky I wasn’t sprinting in the opposite direction. Instead I said, “Does it look like I running? I’m right here. I could have left Carra in Asheville. I could have left Robert and Susan to deal with their little disaster on their own. I could have chucked it all and left after bringing Carra back to you. I’ve done none of that.”
“Given the way you’re pacing, if you were going in a straight line you’d be half way to the Estate gates by now.”
“But I’m not.”
“But do you want to be?”
I snapped my eyes up to his ready to give him what for but stopped short when I saw the look in his eyes that he was trying to hide. And I realized yet again that I wasn’t the only one coming off of a bad relationship that had left marks. Mine were all out for too many people to see. Clint had learned to hide his, but that didn’t mean they weren’t there.
“No. I don’t want to leave,” I told him quietly.
He didn’t relax as I expected him to.
“But?”
I shook my head. “No buts. I just have to learn to live with the fact that my past is also part of my present whether I want it to be or not. There’s no escaping it, there’s only learning to live with it … over and over and over again.”
“That’s … that’s not what I mean to happen.”
“Fine.”
A little hesitantly, like he was afraid to believe me, he asked, “You … believe me?”
I shrugged. “If I expect you to believe me then I need to give you the same courtesy. All … look all I ask is that … if you have questions … if other people have questions … just ask me outright. Don’t go behind my back and talk to people about a problem or concern or whatever. That’s the thing I … Clint I’m not comparing the two of you or anything … just that’s what Kirk would do. It was a way to control me, change me … as if he couldn’t talk to me and expect that if something was that important to him that I wouldn’t find a way to compromise. Or maybe he wasn’t after compromise but total capitulation and wanted as many people on his side as possible. I don’t know. Just I really don’t want to live that way again. If you need something from me just tell me.”
His hug was gentler than his hold had been. He whispered into my hair, “Damn, you’re a forgiving woman.”
I pushed him away enough to tell him, “This isn’t about forgiving though I suppose it could be seen that way. I’m just asking if something I do creates a problem, situation, question, or whatever that you give me first dibs on trying to address it.”
“Sweetheart I told you I knew …”
I forestalled him by saying, “Not just you. If your family has questions, or has a problem with me or with something I do or the way I do it, I would prefer they deal with me one or one. You don’t need to run interference all the time. One, you are in a position that … that might not … look, I just need to be able to hold my own. My life has been like one Sword of Damocles hanging over my head after another, and I’m just tired of living like that. I may never be the best possible partner you could have when dealing with everything that goes on here on the Estate, but I’d like to have the chance to be the best I can be at being your partner. And I know there are things that I have to learn so I can be the best I can be. You can’t learn it for me, and sometimes the best lessons come from mistakes, even unintentional ones. And given your position, your family needs to see that I mean them no harm, mean you no harm, that I don’t mean to usurp power or anything anachronistic like that … in fact only want the best for them, for you, for us. That won’t happen if I’m not willing to prove myself. I can’t hide away from the present anymore than I can the past.” A little hesitantly I asked, “Does any of that make any sense?”
“Yeah it does,” he answered before adding. “I really didn’t not tell you to hurt you … I meant the opposite.”
“One of the hardest lessons that has come out of the insanity that has been my life is that nothing gets better, no problem gets fixed, by hiding my head in the sand. I may not be very good at being me, but I’m the only me there is and …”. I forgot what I was going to say because he kissed me again. Not the panicked kiss that he’d given me when he found me at the piano but one, if possible, that rattled me even more with its promise.
Like he was swearing an oath he told me, “We’ll work on things. I’ll work on things.” Then he added a plea. “Just don’t shut me out. I know it probably took a lot to … to force the issue … and to be willing to let it go. Just … don’t shut me out because I screwed up. And this may be crass as hell and you can say no … but I need to go lay down. I’d like us to do it together. Upstairs. In my bedroom … that I want to be our bedroom. Not for sex but because I need to Sweetheart.”
“Clint?”
“My head has a damn jackhammer in it. This has been a hell of a week. I’m relieved more than I can explain.”
“So the meetings went well?”
“Not the damn meetings Shanna … you … me … us. I … I thought you wouldn’t want to come home.”
“Oh Clint.”
“Let’s just go lie down for a bit. Until Carra comes home? Please?”
I reached around him and turned off the gas to the fireplace and then started leading him out of his office and up the stairs.
A little surprised but relieved he asked, “Sweetheart? You’re sure?”
“You aren’t the only one that has had a few sleepless nights.”
At the landing he whispered against my neck, “Let me make it up to you.”
“There’s nothing to make up. And besides, you have a headache. Where is your ‘medicine’?”
He pulled it out of his pocket and I noticed it was still just as full as it had been when I gave it to him the morning he left. “I had to be careful during the depositions. They wanted to make sure that Reave and I weren’t on any kind of medication or homeopathic remedies or anything that could possibly influence our statements and be used against us.”
Having experienced lawyers more than I ever cared to again, that still sounded strange. “Going a bit far on that. It’s peppermint oil for heaven’s sake. What were they after?”
“Anything to throw us off. Eventually though the judge involved got tired of their hijinks and surprised everyone by giving a summary judgement and ordering immediate liquidation of all assets. Then bankruptcy judge threw their case out and the judge overseeing the other stuff … man it was wild. You should have heard all of the crowing and squawking. And supposedly they pierced the corporate veil somehow and some of the plaintiffs are going after the personal assets of the investors. I don’t know if they’ll get anything, but the judge paved the way for them to try. Reave and I cashed their check as fast as we could because I have a feeling that those that don’t may find their remittances aren’t worth the paper they were written on, even with them being cashier checks if someone freezes their accounts.”
“Doesn’t that sort of thing normally take weeks, if not months?”
“Yes it does,” he answered with a wince as he tried to bend down to take his shoes off. I pushed his hands away and bent down myself to do it because frankly he looked like he was about to topple over. He didn’t make a fuss which told me how bad he felt. Instead he explained, “In lieu of some of the monies owed, I negotiated to take that sliver of land … the Estate is now whole once again … but I got them on it.”
At my questioning look he grinned wickedly. “They used a lowered property appraisal in their documents to try and lower the fees they were going to reimburse us with. Plus, they had already done some improvements on the land for drainage and fencing at the corner boundary with the forestry land and the highway.”
“So are you completely finished with them or is there anything left to deal with?”
“As finished as I can make it. Reave is paid back and made whole. All of the family that donated personal savings above and beyond any loan payments have been made whole. And I’ve got three-quarters of my liquidity back plus Reave saw to it that I have a personal stake in that bit of land. Cody knows a guy that wants to selectively harvest some of the non-indigenous trees out of the land for his craftsmen guild … they are going to pay top-dollar for the trees because of their size … and there are several groves of fruit trees in there that Cody is asking to go in shares with me to harvest for his personal use and to send down to the co-op. All of that extra cash will hopefully go a ways toward giving me seed money for any projects we decide to do around here. And remember the old hotel that the investment group had purchased in town?”
“Yes. Is the family going to look for a new venue for selling their wines locally?”
“Even better. My cousin Grady … he’s a grandson to Aunt Florence … is retiring from the military and moving home but he wasn’t exactly wild about moving in with his parents or grandparents until he could get his own place. His wife has a degree in hotel management and is former military herself. They’ve decided to take over the lease and have been offered an option to buy the location outright if it turns out to be as successful as they are saying it can be made into being. The Estate will provide the river and horseback riding experience, they plan on it be a venue for weddings – local and regional – and they are also going to have a restaurant and possibly even a Sunday buffet type thing. And …”
The fireplace had finally taken the chill out of the room and we were laying down – Clint asking me to wear one of his flannel shirts until my clothes could be moved upstairs. I turned to see that he’d fallen asleep in the middle of his portfolio of plans and I gave a small shake of my head. There were very dark circle under his eyes and I suspected he would sleep the remainder of the day and possibly the night away. I set my watch to vibrate an alarm in a couple of hours so that I could get up and make dinner and take care of other things delayed by my unexpected stay out of town.
gardenlily
Contributing Member
Thanks Kathy. So appreciate you taking time from your busy schedule to give us another chapter. I am enjoying this story.
Thanks, Kathy. It's very much appreciated that you'll go out of your way, with all the other stuff in your life, to keep us up to date on the drama. And I'd bet I ain't the only one here who'd like to take Jackass out behind the woodshed once a day for about a week, then monthly thereafter. He sure left some scars on her psyche.
Dosadi
Brown Coat
Thank you Kathy.
Glad the trip is done and ya got some fun out of it. I've been in that part of the world and your right about hot, uncomfortable, and I suspect a lot of the basic civilization such at it is there was kinda not working.
Thanks for the story.
Two things: 1. I admit that I have developed a loathing for lawyers, even the ones I count as friendly towards me, always are lawyers first, and cannot ever be trusted to be straight forward with you and not do things behind your backs and commit lies of omission. I would think Shanna would never be able to not keep her guard up around lawyers, and this event would have just upped that instinct.
2. Keeping your personnel guy out of the loop was bad juju. He feels embarrassed and also slighted by being done that way. It's like saying he isn't trustworthy or capable.
I'm still thinking that a big world shoe is gonna drop and they will have bigger fish to fry eventually, but I hope Shanna tells that lawyer what a shady lawyer type treatment he gave her and how little trust he will ever have from her from this day forward since he has given evidence that he will play CYA and has no respect or ability to judge people he met, but wants all those legal things dotted and crossed, just like a lawyer.
Can't wait to see what is coming next.
Thank you so much for the MOAR monster feed. :-)
Dosadi
Glad the trip is done and ya got some fun out of it. I've been in that part of the world and your right about hot, uncomfortable, and I suspect a lot of the basic civilization such at it is there was kinda not working.
Thanks for the story.
Two things: 1. I admit that I have developed a loathing for lawyers, even the ones I count as friendly towards me, always are lawyers first, and cannot ever be trusted to be straight forward with you and not do things behind your backs and commit lies of omission. I would think Shanna would never be able to not keep her guard up around lawyers, and this event would have just upped that instinct.
2. Keeping your personnel guy out of the loop was bad juju. He feels embarrassed and also slighted by being done that way. It's like saying he isn't trustworthy or capable.
I'm still thinking that a big world shoe is gonna drop and they will have bigger fish to fry eventually, but I hope Shanna tells that lawyer what a shady lawyer type treatment he gave her and how little trust he will ever have from her from this day forward since he has given evidence that he will play CYA and has no respect or ability to judge people he met, but wants all those legal things dotted and crossed, just like a lawyer.
Can't wait to see what is coming next.
Thank you so much for the MOAR monster feed. :-)
Dosadi
sssarawolf
Has No Life - Lives on TB
Thank you for the new chapter even though you just got home.
Catshooter
Contributing Member
I agree with Dosadi. I think Shanna needs to shoot Reeve, even if just a little bit, he needs it. And Clint needs to wake up and smell the roses.
I know, have Clint do the shooting! Win win!
Cat
I know, have Clint do the shooting! Win win!
Cat
no1yuno
Contributing Member
Thank you so very much for your chapter!! I'm glad you made it home safely from your work/vacation time. I hope nothing in any of my postings offended you while you were gone as they were meant as light-hearted encouragement to "please post more story soon", but I realize that words in black and white don't always come across as they are meant.
Please bless us with more of your writing as you feel up to it, as you recover from your not-so-pleasant stay. Just know that you were mightily missed and that we are happy to have you safe at home.
Please bless us with more of your writing as you feel up to it, as you recover from your not-so-pleasant stay. Just know that you were mightily missed and that we are happy to have you safe at home.
Dosadi
Brown Coat
I'm not patient, but I asked God to grant me patience. Ya know what He did? He gives me lots of opportunity to practice patience.
I love this story so much I'll wait as much as I need to for moar, I won't blame Kathy for doing things at her speed, since she shares her talent with us.
But I still have a long way to go to say I'm a patient person. Maybe this is just another chance to practice. :-)
Love ya Kathy. F5 XD
I love this story so much I'll wait as much as I need to for moar, I won't blame Kathy for doing things at her speed, since she shares her talent with us.
But I still have a long way to go to say I'm a patient person. Maybe this is just another chance to practice. :-)
Love ya Kathy. F5 XD
Sammy55
Veteran Member
I hear you, too, Dosadi!
I've said since I was young that God is trying to teach me patience, but I wish He would hurry up about it! LOL!!
Needless to say.....most times, patience is not a strong trait of mine.
But I'm trying, Kathy!! In between hitting the F5, I am trying!!
Thanks again, Kathy, for your great book! Looking for MOAR!
I've said since I was young that God is trying to teach me patience, but I wish He would hurry up about it! LOL!!
Needless to say.....most times, patience is not a strong trait of mine.
But I'm trying, Kathy!! In between hitting the F5, I am trying!!
Thanks again, Kathy, for your great book! Looking for MOAR!
gardenlily
Contributing Member
Be careful praying for patience because God has a wonderful sense of humor. I prayed for patience and a girl named Patience showed up on my doorstep pregnant with my son's baby! Need to specify not two legged.
Dianna
Dianna
Sorry for falling off the face of the planet again. Like I said the beginning of the month … July is a scorcher for us in more ways than one. Looks like it is going to roll us into August and then our youngest dragon starts high school and since we home school that is going to be a little challenging. Our first day of school is Aug 6 … but I hope to have more time to respond and post about that time as well if the stars align and the creek don't rise too high. We've had three evictions this month (and one or two coming up in August) on top of everything else and a couple of judges that seem to think that they don't have to apply the statutes as written. Never had so much trouble as we're having with judges this year. Landlord/tenant laws are pretty straight forward in Florida and in 20+ years we've never lost a case. Still haven't lost but it is getting old watching the judges sit and spin counter to what actions they should be taking. Makes me irritable. We are done and are taking the problem to the Chief Judge and beyond that if necessary. Judges need to do their dang job as written, not all loosey-goosey and not in a timely manner or fairly. Did I mention it is making me irritable?
This chapter isn't quite as long as some of the others as it is a transition chapter, calm before the storm, etc and yada yada.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 73
“Here, let me carry those for you.”
“Clint …”
“Shanna …”
We were both being so careful of each other. I’d like to say that we were over the contretemps in November but the shadow of it is still there. And having his family really start taking an interest in our relationship has been an added strain. It appears to be well-meaning … for the most part … but I find it more than just mildly uncomfortable when Clint isn’t around to run interference. I feel like I am under a microscope. Scratch that, I felt like an ant that is getting toasted by a magnifying glass.
Clint got my attention by asking, “These are burdock roots?”
“Hmmm. If you don’t like …”
“No. I’ve liked them the way you’ve fixed them, was just making sure I recognized them. They’re a lot of work to get to.”
I shrugged. “A good shovel is a back-saver.”
He nodded absent-mindedly. Then said, “Er … you had another nightmare last night. You … feeling any better?”
More than a little embarrassed to have the subject brought up I told him, “I’m sorry I woke you. Maybe I should just go back to sleeping in …”
“No!” He cleared his throat and moderated his tone. “No. I’ll move back downstairs with you if it comes to that. I just don’t understand what the bedroom has to do with bad dreams?”
“It doesn’t. And it isn’t you either,” I told him as we walked back to the Big House in the cold weather that had a grip on the area. “It’s me.”
He stopped me and said, “You didn’t just say ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’”
“Yes I … oh … er … I didn’t mean that. I meant that I’m just …” I tried to start us walking back to the house, but Clint wasn’t inclined to let it go. “Look, I’m trying not to say this wrong but anyway I try and explain it is going to sound like I’m making an excuse or blaming someone … but I’m not … either one I mean.”
“Okay,” he said in a reasonable tone of voice.
“Fine,” I told him when it was obvious he didn’t want to let the subject go. “Put simply, the stress has to go somewhere. You get headaches, I have bad dreams. That’s all it is. As soon as I get a handle on everything going on you’ll get some uninterrupted sleep.”
“I don’t give a damn about having my sleep interrupted for something like this but that wasn’t simply a bad dream … that sounded like a nightmare. Shanna … you … you woke up screaming … hell you were shrieking. Scared the hell out of me. And then … you wouldn’t even tell me what it was about and … and you were shaking so bad I was too worried to force the issue.”
He finally relented to start walking and I reluctantly explained the particular nightmare that woke me last night. “I … I had to identify my parents’ bodies. Jess … he had to be sedated and wasn’t making a whole lot of sense. They honestly weren’t sure that he hadn’t banged his head during the accident. The only thing they could get out of him was my name and phone number. I was reliving some of it.”
“What the hell? You never told me that.”
I shrugged. “Not exactly a topic of conversation that should come up around the dinner table.”
“Sweetheart …”
Determined to be stronger than I was in my dreams I said, “It was my responsibility. Jess would have done it but … he was messed up. He saw it happen. He saw the aftermath. My mom was ejected from the car despite wearing her seatbelt. That’s how hard their car was hit and when it rolled … He saw it all as he was the car directly behind them.” Taking a deep breath I said, “It was … bad. But all of that official stuff had to be done so they could sort out what exactly happened. Those bodies … they were just shells by then. My parents were gone the moment they were hit. It would have happened so fast no way they had time to feel anything. Shock if nothing else would have ended their consciousness. Dad’s neck was snapped on impact. Mom … had a … a head trauma wound because even though it was Dad’s side of the car that got impacted first Mom’s head went through the passenger side window. And can we not discuss this?”
He stopped me again. “We don’t have to discuss the details of what you saw. Good God, no one wants to relive those kind of memories … once would be enough. But did something in particular cause the nightmare?”
“Yes and no.” At his stubborn refusal to move I sighed. “Clint I was just stressing yesterday. Then a couple of the Aunts came by the house and wanted to look at some portrait that you’d mentioned not recognizing … that awful one of that man with the crazy sideburns and crazier eyes … and they started going on and on about how it could have been Carra and I in the accident on I40 that got you so upset. That I needed to be more careful. That it would just destroy everyone if something happened to Carra like her mother and grandmother before her. That is wouldn’t be nice if something happened to me either of course … just imagine what they would do to you.”
“Damn. They’re taking this too far. I’ll …”
I shook my head and switched the hand I was carrying the pitchfork in. “They weren’t being malicious if that’s what you are thinking. In fact, I think they were trying to say that I was … valued … or something like that. And not alone anymore so I have to realize that people care. Just … the way they were trying to show me they cared … got to me. And you know how stress is … it likes to come out in the one place that you have the least defense. So their discussion and my actual memories got all twisted up. I was my mom and you … you were Jess only Carra was there too and all I could do was watch you yell and question why it hadn’t been you instead as you stared at us on those metal trays in the viewing room. Then it turned into even more of a horror story when you started talking to me and asking why I hadn’t been more careful and somehow or other we were having a conversation and then Carra says … stuff and starts crying about not wanting to be dead, and then the cops come in and tell you that it was my fault and suddenly I’m unable to talk again and all I wanted to do was shout that it hadn’t happened the way they said, that I’d been there, but I knew no one would believe me either way and … and that’s when I woke up.”
“Jesus …”
“Don’t blaspheme.”
“I’m not. Calling on the only One that will listen so this doesn’t happen again. Now look at me Sweetheart … the Aunts … they didn’t mean any harm.”
“I know that. I didn’t say they did. In fact I told you I know they aren’t being malicious.”
“Fine. But we both know there are times they can tag team and do mean harm … or at the very least they do it to have their way or make their point. As for the rest of it … I’m sorry you had to see that with your parents. My dad kept a journal off and on most of his life, some kind of habit the Haines family has always had and you’ve seen those things in the library. Well, a couple of years back I found where Grandfather had hidden my father’s and read a few trying to understand the man I’d never known.” We finally started walking back towards the house. “He went into detail about having to identify his wife after she went off the road and down the mountain. He was graphic. That was the last entry in that journal despite there being a lot of blank pages left and his next entry started in a new journal. What I’m trying to say is … I might not know the details, but I understand … at least some … of what you went through. And I’m … worried that you’re so stressed out … look … is it me?”
“Excuse me?”
We were at the kitchen door and before he would go in he asked again, “Is it me? Am I the reason why you are so stressed out you’re having nightmares? Are things not all right between us? Is that stressing you out? Or … is it finding out some of the things about the Jackass bringing up old feelings and …”
Stopping him before we got into another non-argument I said, “Clint, when I say it isn’t you I mean just that, and only that. It isn’t you, it’s me. Yes, having a relationship in the open is just as challenging as I thought it would be, just not for the reasons I thought it would be … and there’s nothing either one of us can do to change that. That more than anything is bringing up some insecurities … but not because you make me feel that way but because I just feel do that way and with good reason. As far as Kirk … I don’t know how many times I can say this, but I know it is over with. What used to make me sad … now all I feel is … God help me … is relief. I’m a little ashamed of that but then again … no I’m not. And as for the rest of it? While the things I found out about Kirk’s choices didn’t thrill me, they aren’t what has me in an emotional tizzy. That particular ship has sailed and most of what was in that report about his activities … it just isn’t any of my business anymore than my life now is his business. The dreams … are just dreams. When I’m awake I know they aren’t the way things are … I just haven’t figured out how to stop having them. The more I worry about it the more likely it is to happen.”
He finally opened the door and carried the burdock in for me, setting them on the counter so I could do what I needed to before taking them down to the root cellar that Clint had finished, without having to call anyone in to help.
It was warmer in the house than outside but it was still cold and I shivered.
“Cold?” he asked.
“I’ll acclimate.”
“I know but that wasn’t the question. Are you cold?”
“A little but I’ll warm up as soon as I get the stove going for dinner. You sure you don’t mind chili?”
“Woman, I’m dying for your chili … er … I mean …”
I smiled, albeit tiredly, and said, “Thank you for getting someone else to host those buyers tonight.”
“I figured three nights running is our fair share and someone else can do it. And … at the risk of adding more to your plate because I know it is adding to mine, you feel up to talking about Christmas? The Aunts brought something up today at the Board Meeting.”
Already knowing what it likely was I nodded. “Julie warned me what she’d heard her mother and a few others talking about. I just wasn’t going to bring it up unless they brought it up to you first. I did ask Sylvia Crocker about it and she explained it used to be a yearly event until your Grandfather passed and then they took turns hosting it but this year they want to do it here again.”
Clint used the boot scrapper to take his boots off and put his house shoes on and then sat at the table after pouring himself a cup of lukewarm coffee where I was heating the morning’s leftovers. “Let me freshen that for you,” I said.
“Nah. I’ll get another one out of the next pot. That cooking where you can sit?”
Rather than answer I walked over and pulled out my note pad. “Clint, I’m fine. I don’t need to be … coddled or whatever you are trying to do. Thank you for trying to lighten my load but it’s life and I’ll deal. The question is do you want to have the family Christmas party here? You already explained a little bit of it over the weekend when they caught me off guard including me by putting my name in the hat.”
He gave a small grin. “Yeah. That’s a good sign. They never did that with Mary Lee.”
“Yes, well I got your Uncle Vern’s name. I don’t know whether to be thankful for the rules or scared to death.”
His grin turned into a light chuckle. “Has to cost less than ten bucks or you have to make it yourself. The family enjoys getting creative. The kids even join in.”
“That’s … Clint … all I can think of is to make him a basket of some of the homemade wines and maybe some cookies or candies or something.”
“Sounds good and Uncle Vern will get a kick out of it. What do you think of me giving Kaylor that old hat we found in the attic, the one that looks like it could have been worn by Sherlock Holmes?”
I nodded. “Perfect. And there’s an old Dick Tracy comic book upstairs in the school room. It is a little dog eared but …?”
“Yeah, that’ll do it.”
“Um … what do you normally do for Carra?”
“Christmas Day horse ride.”
“What?” I asked in surprise.
“Doesn’t matter the weather. It’s the only thing we’ve never argued about. Grandfather started it, but it soon got to be where he couldn’t ride anymore so I took his place. She picks where she wants to ride and I have no say in it unless there is a real safety issue … but surprisingly she doesn’t push my buttons and generally picks reasonable trails though I’m pretty sure that is for the horse’s sake rather than my own.”
We both grinned, knowing that it was more likely true than not. Then hesitantly I said, “Sylvia mentioned your mother … er …”
“Yeah. I know. Mom wasn’t real be into Christmas or the other holidays. I understand it had a lot to do with her father but she never stopped me from joining in with the rest of the family, encouraged it even. But I know the Aunts are going to expect a spectacle.”
“How big of a … er … spectacle?”
“Decent-sized but not too gawdy. I’ll help get the decorations out of the storage room and … I can help this weekend.”
Having already peeked into that particular space I tried not to shudder at the idea of Clint “helping” to get it out. “Just let me take a few things out at a time. If they’ve been stored for a couple of years I’ll likely have to clean them up as I go. But I do have a favor … can you get someone to trim the branches on some of the cedars that have limbs that are starting to dip down into the driveway? If they’ll leave the trimmings on the verandah I’ll take them and use them to make garlands with.”
He took a small notepad out of his front pocked of the Dickie coveralls he was still wearing where he went hunting that morning and wrote down my request. “They’re clearing trees away from the power lines along the highway. If I run across some like branches I’ll stop and pick them up.”
“Clint, I hate to ask, but with it being so many people do you think we can do a potluck if I make the main course meats?”
“Sweetheart, you don’t need to do that. Each of the Aunts brings a main course … they decide amongst themselves. The other family brings sides. The Big House provides the desserts.”
Surprised and vastly relieved I smiled and for the first time in several days felt real pleasure. “Really? That’s all I have to do? I mean besides dishes and such?”
“Well … we’ll need to provide the drinks.”
“Punches … some alcoholic and some not. Wassail. Cider. And tea and coffees of course. A couple of different wines to go with dinner as well. Er … why are you looking like that?”
“The tree. Er … we’ll be bringing it in tomorrow morning.”
Having seen pictures of previous Christmases held here at the Big House while Carra was going through the pictures for scanning I took a deep breath and in a voice a octave too high asked, “In the morning?”
Looking apologetic Clint nodded.
“O … kay. How big this time?”
“Ceiling scraper.”
“Which ceiling?”
“Great room. We … er … have to switch the furniture around … uh … a bit.”
I tried not to. I really did. But the oh so sorry look on Clint’s face was too much. A giggle escaped.
“Shanna?”
“A giggle that turned into a snort and then a chuckle.”
“Sweetheart?”
Then it just all busted out and I was shortly laughing so hard I could barely catch my breath and nearly falling out of my chair.
“Er … you laugh when you’re stressed out. Does the amount of laughter indicate just how stressed out?”
I clapped my hands over my mouth and made a run for the bathroom to turn the shower on my head.
Clint caught up and pulled me out. “Please don’t drown yourself. I’ll … I’ll get … er …”
I held onto him and shivered and finally got my laughter down to the odd hiccup and snort. “Just promise that January will be fairly quiet. I’ll get through all of this … just tell me …”
“January is usually the month I turn into a couch potato. The Estate practically hibernates through February. We’ll have plenty of quiet,” he said holding onto me as I shivered from having a wet head.
Finally getting myself completely under control I tried to push away but was unsuccessful until Clint reached over and pulled a towel off the rack and wrapped me in it. I told him, “You must think I’ve lost my mind.”
“Nope. Little different maybe. Hell of a lot better than having a cabinet full of dishes chucked at me head which is what Julie said should happen.”
“No. I spent too much time organizing those cabinets to do that.” I giggled again at the look on his face. “I’m kidding. Just tell me what you need.”
“Nothing. Setting the tree has always been the men’s job. Then we scatter and give the tree time to fall out and then my mother would decorate it. Er …”
“Clint, I’ll get it done. But tomorrow you can plan on having Sloppy Joes and Tater Tots for dinner.”
“Okay … why?”
By way of answering I told him, “We had a dog when I was little and … and one Christmas while we were decorating it did what dogs do when plates are left unattended in the middle of too much excitement. It was just something silly that became a family tradition.” Rethinking I said, “Of course we don’t have to …”
“Woman I happen to be partial to your Sloppy Joes. Tater tots are as good as anything else. And if it isn’t too much I have a request.”
“Name it.”
“Tomorrow night you play for us? Carra isn’t the only one missing you ‘banging on the pie-ano’ at night.”
I slowly smiled. “Deal.”
This chapter isn't quite as long as some of the others as it is a transition chapter, calm before the storm, etc and yada yada.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 73
“Here, let me carry those for you.”
“Clint …”
“Shanna …”
We were both being so careful of each other. I’d like to say that we were over the contretemps in November but the shadow of it is still there. And having his family really start taking an interest in our relationship has been an added strain. It appears to be well-meaning … for the most part … but I find it more than just mildly uncomfortable when Clint isn’t around to run interference. I feel like I am under a microscope. Scratch that, I felt like an ant that is getting toasted by a magnifying glass.
Clint got my attention by asking, “These are burdock roots?”
“Hmmm. If you don’t like …”
“No. I’ve liked them the way you’ve fixed them, was just making sure I recognized them. They’re a lot of work to get to.”
I shrugged. “A good shovel is a back-saver.”
He nodded absent-mindedly. Then said, “Er … you had another nightmare last night. You … feeling any better?”
More than a little embarrassed to have the subject brought up I told him, “I’m sorry I woke you. Maybe I should just go back to sleeping in …”
“No!” He cleared his throat and moderated his tone. “No. I’ll move back downstairs with you if it comes to that. I just don’t understand what the bedroom has to do with bad dreams?”
“It doesn’t. And it isn’t you either,” I told him as we walked back to the Big House in the cold weather that had a grip on the area. “It’s me.”
He stopped me and said, “You didn’t just say ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’”
“Yes I … oh … er … I didn’t mean that. I meant that I’m just …” I tried to start us walking back to the house, but Clint wasn’t inclined to let it go. “Look, I’m trying not to say this wrong but anyway I try and explain it is going to sound like I’m making an excuse or blaming someone … but I’m not … either one I mean.”
“Okay,” he said in a reasonable tone of voice.
“Fine,” I told him when it was obvious he didn’t want to let the subject go. “Put simply, the stress has to go somewhere. You get headaches, I have bad dreams. That’s all it is. As soon as I get a handle on everything going on you’ll get some uninterrupted sleep.”
“I don’t give a damn about having my sleep interrupted for something like this but that wasn’t simply a bad dream … that sounded like a nightmare. Shanna … you … you woke up screaming … hell you were shrieking. Scared the hell out of me. And then … you wouldn’t even tell me what it was about and … and you were shaking so bad I was too worried to force the issue.”
He finally relented to start walking and I reluctantly explained the particular nightmare that woke me last night. “I … I had to identify my parents’ bodies. Jess … he had to be sedated and wasn’t making a whole lot of sense. They honestly weren’t sure that he hadn’t banged his head during the accident. The only thing they could get out of him was my name and phone number. I was reliving some of it.”
“What the hell? You never told me that.”
I shrugged. “Not exactly a topic of conversation that should come up around the dinner table.”
“Sweetheart …”
Determined to be stronger than I was in my dreams I said, “It was my responsibility. Jess would have done it but … he was messed up. He saw it happen. He saw the aftermath. My mom was ejected from the car despite wearing her seatbelt. That’s how hard their car was hit and when it rolled … He saw it all as he was the car directly behind them.” Taking a deep breath I said, “It was … bad. But all of that official stuff had to be done so they could sort out what exactly happened. Those bodies … they were just shells by then. My parents were gone the moment they were hit. It would have happened so fast no way they had time to feel anything. Shock if nothing else would have ended their consciousness. Dad’s neck was snapped on impact. Mom … had a … a head trauma wound because even though it was Dad’s side of the car that got impacted first Mom’s head went through the passenger side window. And can we not discuss this?”
He stopped me again. “We don’t have to discuss the details of what you saw. Good God, no one wants to relive those kind of memories … once would be enough. But did something in particular cause the nightmare?”
“Yes and no.” At his stubborn refusal to move I sighed. “Clint I was just stressing yesterday. Then a couple of the Aunts came by the house and wanted to look at some portrait that you’d mentioned not recognizing … that awful one of that man with the crazy sideburns and crazier eyes … and they started going on and on about how it could have been Carra and I in the accident on I40 that got you so upset. That I needed to be more careful. That it would just destroy everyone if something happened to Carra like her mother and grandmother before her. That is wouldn’t be nice if something happened to me either of course … just imagine what they would do to you.”
“Damn. They’re taking this too far. I’ll …”
I shook my head and switched the hand I was carrying the pitchfork in. “They weren’t being malicious if that’s what you are thinking. In fact, I think they were trying to say that I was … valued … or something like that. And not alone anymore so I have to realize that people care. Just … the way they were trying to show me they cared … got to me. And you know how stress is … it likes to come out in the one place that you have the least defense. So their discussion and my actual memories got all twisted up. I was my mom and you … you were Jess only Carra was there too and all I could do was watch you yell and question why it hadn’t been you instead as you stared at us on those metal trays in the viewing room. Then it turned into even more of a horror story when you started talking to me and asking why I hadn’t been more careful and somehow or other we were having a conversation and then Carra says … stuff and starts crying about not wanting to be dead, and then the cops come in and tell you that it was my fault and suddenly I’m unable to talk again and all I wanted to do was shout that it hadn’t happened the way they said, that I’d been there, but I knew no one would believe me either way and … and that’s when I woke up.”
“Jesus …”
“Don’t blaspheme.”
“I’m not. Calling on the only One that will listen so this doesn’t happen again. Now look at me Sweetheart … the Aunts … they didn’t mean any harm.”
“I know that. I didn’t say they did. In fact I told you I know they aren’t being malicious.”
“Fine. But we both know there are times they can tag team and do mean harm … or at the very least they do it to have their way or make their point. As for the rest of it … I’m sorry you had to see that with your parents. My dad kept a journal off and on most of his life, some kind of habit the Haines family has always had and you’ve seen those things in the library. Well, a couple of years back I found where Grandfather had hidden my father’s and read a few trying to understand the man I’d never known.” We finally started walking back towards the house. “He went into detail about having to identify his wife after she went off the road and down the mountain. He was graphic. That was the last entry in that journal despite there being a lot of blank pages left and his next entry started in a new journal. What I’m trying to say is … I might not know the details, but I understand … at least some … of what you went through. And I’m … worried that you’re so stressed out … look … is it me?”
“Excuse me?”
We were at the kitchen door and before he would go in he asked again, “Is it me? Am I the reason why you are so stressed out you’re having nightmares? Are things not all right between us? Is that stressing you out? Or … is it finding out some of the things about the Jackass bringing up old feelings and …”
Stopping him before we got into another non-argument I said, “Clint, when I say it isn’t you I mean just that, and only that. It isn’t you, it’s me. Yes, having a relationship in the open is just as challenging as I thought it would be, just not for the reasons I thought it would be … and there’s nothing either one of us can do to change that. That more than anything is bringing up some insecurities … but not because you make me feel that way but because I just feel do that way and with good reason. As far as Kirk … I don’t know how many times I can say this, but I know it is over with. What used to make me sad … now all I feel is … God help me … is relief. I’m a little ashamed of that but then again … no I’m not. And as for the rest of it? While the things I found out about Kirk’s choices didn’t thrill me, they aren’t what has me in an emotional tizzy. That particular ship has sailed and most of what was in that report about his activities … it just isn’t any of my business anymore than my life now is his business. The dreams … are just dreams. When I’m awake I know they aren’t the way things are … I just haven’t figured out how to stop having them. The more I worry about it the more likely it is to happen.”
He finally opened the door and carried the burdock in for me, setting them on the counter so I could do what I needed to before taking them down to the root cellar that Clint had finished, without having to call anyone in to help.
It was warmer in the house than outside but it was still cold and I shivered.
“Cold?” he asked.
“I’ll acclimate.”
“I know but that wasn’t the question. Are you cold?”
“A little but I’ll warm up as soon as I get the stove going for dinner. You sure you don’t mind chili?”
“Woman, I’m dying for your chili … er … I mean …”
I smiled, albeit tiredly, and said, “Thank you for getting someone else to host those buyers tonight.”
“I figured three nights running is our fair share and someone else can do it. And … at the risk of adding more to your plate because I know it is adding to mine, you feel up to talking about Christmas? The Aunts brought something up today at the Board Meeting.”
Already knowing what it likely was I nodded. “Julie warned me what she’d heard her mother and a few others talking about. I just wasn’t going to bring it up unless they brought it up to you first. I did ask Sylvia Crocker about it and she explained it used to be a yearly event until your Grandfather passed and then they took turns hosting it but this year they want to do it here again.”
Clint used the boot scrapper to take his boots off and put his house shoes on and then sat at the table after pouring himself a cup of lukewarm coffee where I was heating the morning’s leftovers. “Let me freshen that for you,” I said.
“Nah. I’ll get another one out of the next pot. That cooking where you can sit?”
Rather than answer I walked over and pulled out my note pad. “Clint, I’m fine. I don’t need to be … coddled or whatever you are trying to do. Thank you for trying to lighten my load but it’s life and I’ll deal. The question is do you want to have the family Christmas party here? You already explained a little bit of it over the weekend when they caught me off guard including me by putting my name in the hat.”
He gave a small grin. “Yeah. That’s a good sign. They never did that with Mary Lee.”
“Yes, well I got your Uncle Vern’s name. I don’t know whether to be thankful for the rules or scared to death.”
His grin turned into a light chuckle. “Has to cost less than ten bucks or you have to make it yourself. The family enjoys getting creative. The kids even join in.”
“That’s … Clint … all I can think of is to make him a basket of some of the homemade wines and maybe some cookies or candies or something.”
“Sounds good and Uncle Vern will get a kick out of it. What do you think of me giving Kaylor that old hat we found in the attic, the one that looks like it could have been worn by Sherlock Holmes?”
I nodded. “Perfect. And there’s an old Dick Tracy comic book upstairs in the school room. It is a little dog eared but …?”
“Yeah, that’ll do it.”
“Um … what do you normally do for Carra?”
“Christmas Day horse ride.”
“What?” I asked in surprise.
“Doesn’t matter the weather. It’s the only thing we’ve never argued about. Grandfather started it, but it soon got to be where he couldn’t ride anymore so I took his place. She picks where she wants to ride and I have no say in it unless there is a real safety issue … but surprisingly she doesn’t push my buttons and generally picks reasonable trails though I’m pretty sure that is for the horse’s sake rather than my own.”
We both grinned, knowing that it was more likely true than not. Then hesitantly I said, “Sylvia mentioned your mother … er …”
“Yeah. I know. Mom wasn’t real be into Christmas or the other holidays. I understand it had a lot to do with her father but she never stopped me from joining in with the rest of the family, encouraged it even. But I know the Aunts are going to expect a spectacle.”
“How big of a … er … spectacle?”
“Decent-sized but not too gawdy. I’ll help get the decorations out of the storage room and … I can help this weekend.”
Having already peeked into that particular space I tried not to shudder at the idea of Clint “helping” to get it out. “Just let me take a few things out at a time. If they’ve been stored for a couple of years I’ll likely have to clean them up as I go. But I do have a favor … can you get someone to trim the branches on some of the cedars that have limbs that are starting to dip down into the driveway? If they’ll leave the trimmings on the verandah I’ll take them and use them to make garlands with.”
He took a small notepad out of his front pocked of the Dickie coveralls he was still wearing where he went hunting that morning and wrote down my request. “They’re clearing trees away from the power lines along the highway. If I run across some like branches I’ll stop and pick them up.”
“Clint, I hate to ask, but with it being so many people do you think we can do a potluck if I make the main course meats?”
“Sweetheart, you don’t need to do that. Each of the Aunts brings a main course … they decide amongst themselves. The other family brings sides. The Big House provides the desserts.”
Surprised and vastly relieved I smiled and for the first time in several days felt real pleasure. “Really? That’s all I have to do? I mean besides dishes and such?”
“Well … we’ll need to provide the drinks.”
“Punches … some alcoholic and some not. Wassail. Cider. And tea and coffees of course. A couple of different wines to go with dinner as well. Er … why are you looking like that?”
“The tree. Er … we’ll be bringing it in tomorrow morning.”
Having seen pictures of previous Christmases held here at the Big House while Carra was going through the pictures for scanning I took a deep breath and in a voice a octave too high asked, “In the morning?”
Looking apologetic Clint nodded.
“O … kay. How big this time?”
“Ceiling scraper.”
“Which ceiling?”
“Great room. We … er … have to switch the furniture around … uh … a bit.”
I tried not to. I really did. But the oh so sorry look on Clint’s face was too much. A giggle escaped.
“Shanna?”
“A giggle that turned into a snort and then a chuckle.”
“Sweetheart?”
Then it just all busted out and I was shortly laughing so hard I could barely catch my breath and nearly falling out of my chair.
“Er … you laugh when you’re stressed out. Does the amount of laughter indicate just how stressed out?”
I clapped my hands over my mouth and made a run for the bathroom to turn the shower on my head.
Clint caught up and pulled me out. “Please don’t drown yourself. I’ll … I’ll get … er …”
I held onto him and shivered and finally got my laughter down to the odd hiccup and snort. “Just promise that January will be fairly quiet. I’ll get through all of this … just tell me …”
“January is usually the month I turn into a couch potato. The Estate practically hibernates through February. We’ll have plenty of quiet,” he said holding onto me as I shivered from having a wet head.
Finally getting myself completely under control I tried to push away but was unsuccessful until Clint reached over and pulled a towel off the rack and wrapped me in it. I told him, “You must think I’ve lost my mind.”
“Nope. Little different maybe. Hell of a lot better than having a cabinet full of dishes chucked at me head which is what Julie said should happen.”
“No. I spent too much time organizing those cabinets to do that.” I giggled again at the look on his face. “I’m kidding. Just tell me what you need.”
“Nothing. Setting the tree has always been the men’s job. Then we scatter and give the tree time to fall out and then my mother would decorate it. Er …”
“Clint, I’ll get it done. But tomorrow you can plan on having Sloppy Joes and Tater Tots for dinner.”
“Okay … why?”
By way of answering I told him, “We had a dog when I was little and … and one Christmas while we were decorating it did what dogs do when plates are left unattended in the middle of too much excitement. It was just something silly that became a family tradition.” Rethinking I said, “Of course we don’t have to …”
“Woman I happen to be partial to your Sloppy Joes. Tater tots are as good as anything else. And if it isn’t too much I have a request.”
“Name it.”
“Tomorrow night you play for us? Carra isn’t the only one missing you ‘banging on the pie-ano’ at night.”
I slowly smiled. “Deal.”