Sister is a hoarder, can I help her?

Digger

Veteran Member
:shkr:I have a sister who is a hoarder or compulsive shopper. She is 5 years older than me and never married.

Her house stinks. You can't even open the front door all the way. There are just trails through the piles of stuff. She has 3 cats too.

I think she needs mental help, but don't know what to say to her. She has a storage building rented that is full too. I helped her move to a larger apartment. She said she was going to get things together and have a clean house, but it is worse than ever. I haven't been in it in 6 months or more. I feel like I need a dip in Lysol when I last was there.

If she needed medical help, there is no way the emergency services could get to her. They could not even drag her out on a tarp. The trails are too narrow.

We did donate several truck loads when she moved, but it didn't even make a dent. It took 7 hours to unload one room. Not kidding.

Now she has breathing and sinus problems a lot. I think it is from all the filth she lives in.

I need some advise on how to talk to her about this.

One of my selfish fears is she will die before me and I will have to clean this mess alone. :shkr:
 

TerriHaute

Hoosier Gardener
You probably already know this but your sister needs professional help. Hoarding is a form of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) and is treatable with therapy. Like alcoholism, it is never really cured, but with therapy and a supportive family, she can learn to control it and her life can improve dramatically. Good luck. If you can convince her to make that first step to get evaluated, it could make all the difference in getting her to a better life.
 

Digger

Veteran Member
Thank you Terri. I think her insurance will cover it. Now I just have to talk her into getting treatment. We had a sister that seemed to have it all together, but killed herself 20 years ago. I am the only "normal" one now. How scary is that! LOL Our parents are both gone, so it's just me and my sister now. I have children and a great husband. But my relationship with the Lord is what keeps me sane. I fought the same compulshions earlier in life. We were raised by parents that grew up in the depression and they probably kept way too much stuff. But my sister has taken it to a whole new level.
 

1eagle

Veteran Member
Yes try & get help for her asap. Now that she's in an apartment, she's endangering other tenants too with the fire risks... Good luck.
 

Digger

Veteran Member
Talked to her a few minutes ago. I don't think she will go for help. I asked her if the ambulance crew could get her out if she had a stroke or something. Her reply was she will work on it 4 hours tonight and all day tomorrow. But she always just drags in more. It seriously looks like a bad episode of Buried Alive.
 

Scotto

Set Apart
Notify the apartment manager. They won't allow it most likely. She has to face what she is doing.
 

zookeeper9

Veteran Member
This will not be a popular option, but in order to force her to get help you will need to notify management and the county's health department. The health department can come in and force therapy (at least here).
 

Digger

Veteran Member
The land lord knows how she lives. I am friends with the terminix man that does the apt complex. I told him about my sister and he said she is not the only one there that lives like that.

She just called me to make excuses and I told her is she did not think things were out of hand to take a picture of her apt and look at it. She then hung up on me. She was trying to tell me the reason she didn't open the door all the way was to keep her cat in. But you can see the stuff piled when she only opens it enough to get out.

I guess I am on her crap list. But oh well, if it makes her open her eyes, it is worth it.
 

Digger

Veteran Member
I have helped her several times. Husband said no more. Seven hours to empty one room was the last straw. She does not see the problem or tries not to see it. Really she has more than will fit in several apts her size. She needs to get rid of a lot of stuff. But I do not feel it is my place to tell her what to get rid of. She has enough yarn to start her own store. She has pounds and pounds of quilling paper and scrapbook stuff. I have yet to see any scrapbook work or quilling she has done. She was going to do some quilling on our nieces wedding invitation, that was 12 years ago. But she has about 75 pounds of paper strips she ordered.

I know it is over whelming to her. But me going in and cleaning up her mess will do no good if she just keeps on repeating this. I have my own life to take care of and it would be a full time job.
 

1eagle

Veteran Member
I agree w/ your DH, you're too close emotionally to be trying to fix it for her. Your best bet is getting a 3rd party involved to help her.
 

Kathy in FL

Administrator
_______________
Have YOU thought about getting in there and helping her? It's overwhelming to her I'm sure.

People that hoard refuse to allow people to help. It is part of the illness cycle.

Hyper organized people, cutters, etc all have similar issues with refusing help, pushing away people that would help, running away from help, etc.

Depending on your sister's age you may seek some advice/help through your local area agency on aging. Secondly, and I hate to say this, but if there are multiple individuals in the complex that live like that get code enforcement onto the owner of the building(s). To prevent the fines, etc. the owner will do what they gotta do and either your sister will comply to prevent the health department from condemning her building or she will face eviction. Social services might also be called and tell her to comply or face termination of her lease and/or face getting a payee or guardian ad litem or some other form of mental health help whether she wants it or not.

Just remember, some of this stuff, once set in motion, cannot be undone. You have to decide what is the priority. Your sister's right to live in squalor and potentially die in squalor due to her mental issues that are getting out of control OR your responsibility as a sibling to intervene when you don't think she is capable of making sound decisions anymore. Tough call all around.
 

Digger

Veteran Member
She does hold down a full time job. The same job she has had for at least 20 years. It is just her living conditions as far as I know. She used to get her utilities cut off and lost a house to foreclosure at one time. The sad part was that year she had inherited several thousand dollars when our mom died and didn't make her house payment. It was a low payment too. But she was shopping the whole time.
 

duchess47

Has No Life - Lives on TB
Suggest she start selling on Ebay. Also suggest that she start donating things to local thrift stores for the tax deduction. And books to the local library, again a tax deduction. This is coming from a near hoarder (me) and my actions when I decided I couldn't handle having all of the stuff.
 

summerthyme

Administrator
_______________
Dutchess- except, the fact that you recognized that you were "nearly hoarding" and decided to do something about it, means by definition, you really weren't a hoarder! (BTDT... the Hoarders TV show actually gave me a pretty good "nudge" to watch my "prepping" and to get more organized).

It sounds like Digger's sister is a true hoarder, which is a very real mental illness. Many times (from the reading I've done- I wanted to know the difference between the horrible examples I was seeing on the TV show and "preppers" or "stockpiling for the future") the hoarder will say they want to live in a clean, uncluttered house- but they are literally unable to throw ANYthing away.

Digger- unfortunately, you probably CAN'T help her, until she admits she has a very real problem. And admitting that- from what I've seen- usually means that they're going to lose everything if they don't get help (for a significant percentage, even "getting help" doesn't change them).

The problem is, if a hoarder is living in a multifamily dwelling, they are endangering a whole bunch of people. Not only are they in danger themselves if they fall and can't get to a phone for help, they could burn down the whole complex if a fire started in their hoard.

Tough problem: if you want to be able to maintain any sort of relationship with her, you probably can't help. Because as you've found out, the job is immense, and unless it's done *completely* in a short time, AND she gets therapy to address the root causes of the hoarding, she'll just spend more money to re-fill any spaces you manage to clear for her.

Summerthyme
 

Digger

Veteran Member
Summerthyme you are right. She shops and buys stuff nearly every day. She does not keep trash as some do. But the shopping bags for the most part are never unloaded and put away. There are just piles of shopping bags. She has bought a canner and dozens of canning jars, but has not canned since she left home. That was about 37 years ago. I am not sure she helped mom can much anyway.

She buys multiple items because she can't find the first one she bought. She buys used towels at the thrift store and takes them to the animal shelter. The towels are a good thing. It makes her feel good and doesn't clutter her house more. I think she mostly has a shopping problem with hoarding as a secondary problem. If she would concentrate on buying for charity maybe some of the problem would work itself out.

She has had numerous yard sales. Each time, except the last time she moved, she has had a yard sale. So it is more about bring stuff in than that she can't get rid of things. The in flow just far exceeds the out flow.
 

Emily

One Day Closer
I personally don't think that all hoarders are the same. I knew a hoarder who was actually so clinically depressed that we realized she was slowly burying herself with 'things.' I've always believe that depression is simply anger without energy. When someone has no power to change what makes them angry, they internalize the energy into depression.

I've read stories of other hoarders who were not OCD but had a fear of trauma - PTSD. That fear of trauma made them hyper-vigilant to prepare for whatever might happen. Yes, preppers can be hoarders but most are rational and reasonable. Hoarders, by definition, are so consumed with the hoarding that the rest of their life ceases to have any meaning.

It seems to me that it is like any overboard behavior, getting to the root of what is causing it will help to know how to nurture her soul so that she can comfortably let go of the behavior. If she is hoarding out of fear of what may be coming then working with her to rationalize how to do it so that she can still live as she should would work beautifully. If she is feeling rejected by society or burying herself with things, then nurturing what a gift she is to others would help too.

Just my 2 cents. Hope it helps some.
 

Hansa44

Justine Case
I just read this whole thread and I think it could be Digger that has the problem.:)

Digger, you said she does not keep trash. You say she shops and doesn't even unload the bags. You say she goes out of her way to help the animal shelters.

In fact, she seems to be quite happy with her lifestyle but you are obsessed with changing her when she is not ready to be changed. Yep...she does sound happy with the lifestyle she's chosen to live. You are the one who is unhappy with the lifestyle she's chosen to live and instead and it sounds like you have a rather large problem in being on a power trip.

I tend to think preppers are the worst hoarders. I know this because I'm one of them. My life seems to center around a "just in case" and I'm thrilled when something happens that I can actually use some of the preps.

As far as fires go...they can happen anywhere. Even in the neatest of homes.

You are probably going to be angry at me for saying all this and I apologize if that happened.

Digger, I've had years of people interfering in my life and it only made any issues I had.....worse.

Maybe she is shopping out of fear, but on the other hand, maybe she just loves to shop.

Just try being her friend and not her boss and a do-gooder. She'll love you for myob.

Take care. It will all work out.
hansa
 

Digger

Veteran Member
My concern is for her health. When we moved her the last time, the dust and cat hair looked like felt on top of some of the piles. No kidding it came off in sheets. That doesn't count the cat urine that had soaked some of the boxes that we just threw away. It had been urinated on so may times that there were urine crystals on the box tops. I did not mention the kitchen. The health dept would have a stroke is putting it kindly. Things are literally pilled feet high all over the whole house. The house is never swept or vacuumed because you can't see the floor except for the "trail". I have seen her bed piled 2 feet high except for the side she sleeps on.

She does love to shop. That is her main problem. And she buys several of an item because she either can't get to or can't find the one she has. There were several exploded cans of food buried in the kitchen pile when we moved her. They had been there a long time.

She constantly has a cough from allergies and is sick a lot. She has roaches and can't get rid of them. Roaches are not healthy and can cause lung problems. There was mold on some of the things when we moved her too. Her clothes smell bad because of the apt odor.

So yes maybe I am on a power trip. But you know what, I love my family enough to be worried about them.

As far as being happy, I am not sure. I can not count the times she has pitched a fit in town and clerks have told me about it. Different clerks from different stores. She was even told at one Chiropractor that they could not see her any more because of the fit she pitched with them. But usually she just pitches her fit and never goes back. She had lost several jobs before this one because of her fits. She is very smart though and her job does not require much interaction with other people. She is good at her job too, one of the best at what she does at this plant.

In case you wonder. She only has 3 cats. She had 4 but one died of old age at about 24. The cats have greatly improved her attitude. She is for sure happier since she got cats. They are all fixed so no kittens. I buried her cat that died on our farm for her.
 

Be Well

may all be well
Have YOU thought about getting in there and helping her? It's overwhelming to her I'm sure.

People who are hoarders like that refuse to get rid of anything no matter how much help is offered. It's a mental illness. I had a friend who was a hoarder but not quite that extreme and I offered to help her many times. I even offered to help her sell some stuff on Craigslist - hub took photos of valuable things she had, but she kept changing her mind and didn't want to sell hardly anything, even though she was dirt poor and could have used the money. She had a hand made harp, a cello, antique dinnerware in pristine condition, and more stuff - a floor loom, a piano - none of which she ever used. But she refused to even sell them for good money with me and hub helping her.

It wasn't until she passed away that I was able to help clear out her stuff. It was beyond unbelievable how much JUNK (plus useful stuff) was in a small 2 room house, and in outbuildings. ANd my friend was not as compulsive as the sister here.

It is a compulsion and offering to help too much just makes them angry. They don't want help.
 

Be Well

may all be well
I just read this whole thread and I think it could be Digger that has the problem.

Digger, you said she does not keep trash. You say she shops and doesn't even unload the bags. You say she goes out of her way to help the animal shelters.

In fact, she seems to be quite happy with her lifestyle but you are obsessed with changing her when she is not ready to be changed. Yep...she does sound happy with the lifestyle she's chosen to live. You are the one who is unhappy with the lifestyle she's chosen to live and instead and it sounds like you have a rather large problem in being on a power trip.

It's a mental illness and mentally ill people are not happy. Hoarders isolate themselves and create a very unhealthy and filthy living environment which often (usually) a fire hazard. Digger does not have a problem, his sister does. Hoarders also increase their collecting, I saw that with my friend. When I first met her, her house was "eccentric" but still a pretty decent little place. 10 years later when she passed away, there were narrow trails leading through, you could not possibly clean, and it had a bad smell. And that was with friends coming over a lot and just clearing things out during her hospital stays. It's sort of like drug addicts who need to increase their dosage of drugs.
 

WildDaisy

God has a plan, Trust it!
I have helped her several times. Husband said no more. Seven hours to empty one room was the last straw. She does not see the problem or tries not to see it. Really she has more than will fit in several apts her size. She needs to get rid of a lot of stuff. But I do not feel it is my place to tell her what to get rid of. She has enough yarn to start her own store. She has pounds and pounds of quilling paper and scrapbook stuff. I have yet to see any scrapbook work or quilling she has done. She was going to do some quilling on our nieces wedding invitation, that was 12 years ago. But she has about 75 pounds of paper strips she ordered.

I know it is over whelming to her. But me going in and cleaning up her mess will do no good if she just keeps on repeating this. I have my own life to take care of and it would be a full time job.

Ut oh, are you sure you aren't my sister? Were you in MY house?

I used to be a Stampin' Up demonstrator and am currently an Avon Rep, so I have inventory in the house for scrapbooking classes and holiday sales. I stock our most popular items to sell during the summer and winter and also use those items as a backup for preps (Shampoo/conditioner, Skin So Soft, roll on, perfume/cologne gift sets, cosmetics, etc). I figure if TSHTF, I could always use some of them to barter with if I needed to.

It's on my list of things I need to clear out. I have a large stash of fabric and yarn as well. But those are my hobbies and I am always making "something" at night, whether it is knitting or quilting. My craft room is a bomb, but you wouldn't know I have stash looking at the rest of the home. It is organized and in bins/storage/shelves.

I don't know how bad her home is. It sounds like there is so much stuff that there are only paths to the door and such. That is way too much.

For someone who is a hoarder, it isn't about the item itself. The value is irrelevant. It is the mental stress that parting with it that causes anxiety. Even if it is something they can go out and buy at the store down the street if they ever do need it. Many of them collect things because it gives a "high" knowing they have purchased something. It may be like a person with a shopping addiction, it could be just the thrill of tracking down junk in the premise that it is "a collectors item". For some it is a fear that an item wont be available. In some ways, like some of us who stock up. It just depends on the motive and the anxiety that one holds having to let go of it.

Sounds like if she is a shopper, that she is using that to replace a "feel good" feeling that she is lacking. Does she have low self esteem? Is she not getting approval or affirmation from her family? You will never be able to fix her symptom until you figure out the source of the disease.

Sounds like her illness is no different than someone drinking or doing drugs. She is trying to make herself feel better about something. It might be that the best way to help her is to try and figure out what that something is, and build her up instead of critizing and taking down. Taking her down and making her feel miserable will likely increase the problem. The worse she feels, the more she will shop.
 
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Be Well

may all be well
Sounds like if she is a shopper, that she is using that to replace a "feel good" feeling that she is lacking. Does she have low self esteem? Is she not getting approval or affirmation from her family? You will never be able to fix her symptom until you figure out the source of the disease.

Sounds like her illness is no different than someone drinking or doing drugs. She is trying to make herself feel better about something. It might be that the best way to help her is to try and figure out what that something is, and build her up instead of critizing and taking down. Taking her down and making her feel miserable will likely increase the problem. The worse she feels, the more she will shop.

I agree with much of what you said, but it is her problem and not Digger's problem, and until she sees it is a problem, she will not want to change. Only the sister can fix it. If she doesn't see it as a problem, she will never want to fix it. And it IS a problem. Sometimes, in fact very often, destructive behaviors and the destructive mentality or attitudes that cause the behaviors, will not change until the person is face to face with the suffering the problem causes. I read a book years ago, about dealing with children, that used the term "natural and logical consequences". The idea was that if children misbehave, rather than unrelated-to-the-behavior punishments ("no dessert for you, for lying") etc, the parents just allows/arranges for the child to experience the natural result of the wrongdoing.

For example: if the child wilfully refuses to clean up his room, let it pile up, with one or two reminders: "If you don't clean up your room by (date), I'll have to do it, and all of the stuff on the floor will go in the trash". Then, if they still don't do it, put it all in trash bags out of sight, that generally will change the behavior. Or if they refuse to put dirty clothes in the wash and leave them lying around, after one or two warnings, put all their dirty clothes into a bag and hide it and sooner or later they'll have nothing clean. etcetc

Of course, Digger's sister is an adult, and that changes the situation, Digger cannot arrange her sister's life. But she can change how she relates to the sister. Approval of a destructive habit or way of life does not help the person at all, but merely reinforces the destructive habit. The kind of hoarding described is far, far removed from what you describe you have in your house.

Digger - maybe there are support groups of people who have friends or family members who are serious hoarders? Like Al-Anon for friends and family members of alcoholics? Seriously. A few Al-Anon meetings helped me deal with an alcoholic family member better.

ETA - some very good comments above. And seeing someone you love in difficulty, especially self-caused, and being unable to influence them, is extremely painful.
 

Ambleside

Senior Member
There is a book titled "Messies II". There is a chapter on messie mind set that may help you get some insight.
 

Dinghy

Veteran Member
I sympathize with you Digger. My sister is a hoarder too. Nothing and no one can change her. Her family is humiliated and disgusted, but she won't let them help at all. She has always had a problem, but it got much worse when our mom and dad died. She hoarded every single thing of theirs that she could get her hands on, and it just continued to get more hideous from then on. Her husband has health problems, and I know some are from living in such filth. I can't believe he hasn't left her after all these years. He says he loves her, and just wants her to be happy. The family has tried to reason with her. She flies into a rage every time. They are so afraid she will have a stroke that they have just stopped trying.
I don't have any suggestions, but wish you the best!
 

Digger

Veteran Member
Thank you everyone who had kind words for me. I love my sister and we are both getting older. I just don't know how things will go for her as the years go by. If she were to need a walking aid, such as a cane or walker, it would not be possible as things are now. But I guess we will pass that bridge when the time comes.

She has said she is thinking of selling some stuff. I suggested the auction house near us. She wouldn't have to deal with meeting people somewhere or people not showing up. She thought that might be a good idea. We will see.

She has a rented storage bay that is piled high too.
 

summerthyme

Administrator
_______________
Digger- I subscribe to Medscape.com, a website that caters to medical professionals. I came upon this article and thought about this thread when I was reading it. I'm not posting it to make anyone feel bad about their situation, but it may be food for thought, and possibly change.

Summerthyme

(bolding is mine)
CHICAGO — The extent to which family members tolerate and accommodate an individual's hoarding behavior is linked to severity of the disorder and is also an indicator of relationship conflict and the patient's level of functional impairment, new research shows.

Using a mediation model, new findings show that family accommodation ― such as not bringing outsiders into the home, allowing the saving of possessions, or taking on the responsibilities of the hoarder ― influences hoarding symptom severity and family conflict.

Family accommodation also influences the relationship between hoarding symptom severity and the hoarder's ability to function on a daily basis.

"We have evidence to suggest that family accommodation plays a role in the relationship between hoarding symptom severity and impairment in activities of daily living [ADL]," lead author Valerie Vorstenbosch, PhD, a postdoctoral fellow at Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre, Toronto, Ontario, Canada, told Medscape Medical News.

Clinicians have long believed that family members' accommodating behaviors help maintain the severity of a patient's hoarding symptoms, but currently, there is a lack of research examining this relationship, said Dr. Vorstenbosch.

She said these findings suggest that family accommodation may be one mechanism through which the severity of hoarding symptoms influences both relationship conflict and ADL impairment.

The findings were presented here at the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) Conference 2014 during a symposium devoted to new research exploring hoarding and family relationships, a topic all of the panelists suggest has been understudied.

Separate DSM-5 Diagnosis

Dr. Vorstenbosch and her colleagues studied 52 pairs: hoarders and their intimate partner or another close family member who spent at least 4 hours a week with the hoarding-identified individual and who did not have hoarding symptoms themselves. Most (71%) of the dyads lived together, she said.

Hoarding was determined by a score of 14 or higher on the Saving Inventory–Revised. The inventory assesses clutter, difficulty discarding, and excessive acquisition.

"Hoarding disorder" was defined last year in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), as "persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions" regardless of their actual value, extensive clutter in the home and workplace, and symptoms that impair function, including "maintaining a safe environment."

The new edition of the manual made hoarding a separate diagnosis from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

In the study, each dyad member evaluated the nonhoarding significant other's family accommodation using an 11-item clinician-rated interview that the investigators adapted from the Family Accommodation Scale for OCD.

The scale measured perceived frequency of accommodating behaviors and distress associated with accommodating behaviors. Those scores were combined to yield a total score.

Dr. Vorstenbosch said the reported perceptions of both dyad members showed that the more severe the hoarding symptoms, the greater the family accommodation and the greater the relationship conflict. Conflict was assessed using the Quality of Relationships Inventory.

"The family feels they are accommodating more, but they are having more stress," said Dr. Vorstenbosch.

Treatment Implications

The extent to which the severity of hoarding symptoms was associated with functional impairment reportedly differed depending on whose perceptions were assessed.

Data showed that the association between hoarding symptom severity and hoarders' ADL impairment was significantly reduced when family accommodation was included in the mediation model for hoarding-identified participants, but not their significant others.

Dr. Vorstenbosch cautioned that she could not make causal statements about the findings because of the study's cross-sectional design and measurement at only 1 time point. They could not address, for instance, whether symptom severity preceded relationship conflict or vice versa.

Dr. Vorstenbosch told conference delegates that her group's findings have treatment implications, especially because previous research shows that family accommodation was linked to poorer treatment outcomes for individuals with OCD.

She recommended that providers target family accommodation using a couple-based or family-based therapy for hoarding.

"To my knowledge, family-based interventions are not readily available, other than often including loved ones in treatment as a coach for the person who hoards," Dr. Vorstenbosch told Medscape Medical News.

She suggested that family therapy should seek to understand how each person's behaviors influence the relationship and how each person could help to decrease hoarding symptoms and accommodation.

Hoarding Spans Generations

A second study presented during the symposium showed that hoarding even has negative effects on adult offspring of hoarders.

Adult offspring reported interpersonal problems with their parent who hoards, especially feeling submissive and nonassertive with the parent — "the opposite of what you'd expect," said investigator Amy Przeworski, PhD, of Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio.

Another panelist, Gail Steketee, PhD, of Boston University in Massachusetts, reported her research showing that people with hoarding disorder tend to have other family members across generations who hoard.

Compared with men, women reported significantly higher rates of having any first-degree relative who hoarded, she said.

Symposium discussant Kiara Timpano, PhD, of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Florida, commented that hoarding "affects many more individuals than we ever expected. It also impacts their families and the communities where they live."

Dr. Timpano, who was not involved with any of the studies presented, told conference delegates that the biggest message from the symposium is likely the importance of including family members in treatment.

"But," she continued, "we need to ask when would it be best to include them, and how can we include family in the most effective way."

She said a strength of Dr. Vorstenbosch's study was its inclusion of both hoarders and family members. Dr. Timpano also noted that there are many types of family accommodation — both positive and negative — and that accommodation is not always helpful to the person who hoards.

"Sometimes what family members think is helpful is actually not helpful," she told Medscape Medical News.

The study conducted in dyads showed that the relationship between family accommodation and hoarding is complex, Dr. Timpano said.

"Family members can impact hoarding severity [through accommodation], especially if they feel frustrated, but hoarding severity can also affect how the family functions," she said. "It's a bidirectional relationship."

Multiple factors contribute to the severity of hoarding disorder, according to Dr. Timpano.

"There are emotional processes, personality and biological factors, and cognitive processes. Hoarding is a perfect storm of all these things," she said.
 

kaijafon

Veteran Member
Hi Digger, I hope things are going better for your sister.

This is a subject I'm VERY familiar with since I am a hoarder. I've done extensive research into this. Guess what, it is NOT a "mental" disease alone. Hoarder's brains are HARD WIRED differently than "normal" people. Think of a "Mohawk" and it is THAT area of the brain that is wired differently. Yes usually something 'tragic' or 'intense' is what causes the brain to rewired itself.

The good news is that yes this tendency can be controlled. But trying to FORCE someone to "get rid of their junk" is NOT the way to go about it. And offering to help is usually met with a "no thank you" because we hoarders actually have some sentimental link to every single thing we 'hoard'. What you CAN do is love them and suggest "new homes" for things. For example, if she has newspapers and magazines stacked up... say "hey, let's help the community and recycle those so they can be used for good". Then if she is agreeable, to it immediately, do not give her time to change her mind. And offer to take them to the recycle center. Bring back a receipt so that you can build trust with her.

If she has lot's of books, suggest a one box full for donation to the library or if appropriate a local English teacher at a school. My daughter got me to get rid of some of my "extras" that way! she and I went through and found some doubles I had and she took them to her English Teacher who LOVED it!

Each suggested "donation" should be real and to somewhere the things get used.

As for true trash, if there is some, just offer to take out the trash for her and gather a bag and take it out.

It takes time and you have to help her "rewire" her brain again. Finding out the reason she first began to hoard will help if she gets therapy for that.

But there ARE physical reasons behind hoarding. And YEP it CAN be inherited. I got my tendency from my mom's mom.

I hope this helps, I just realized how old this thread is. :)
 

packyderms_wife

Neither here nor there.
Suggest she start selling on Ebay. Also suggest that she start donating things to local thrift stores for the tax deduction. And books to the local library, again a tax deduction. This is coming from a near hoarder (me) and my actions when I decided I couldn't handle having all of the stuff.

Same problem and solution here, and it doesn't help being married to the king of thrift whose mantra is "we might need that some day" But so far I've been doing a great job of sending about five bags to charity per month (the forty gallon sized commercial trash bags) and will keep doing so until sanity returns once again. My source for giving fabric too decided to quit sewing so I plan to make up some boxes to donate to the local high school art department.
 

Publius

TB Fanatic
I have to live with a woman that would fill the house to the ceiling if it were not for me. With her aging parents we ended up with much of their stuff when they had to be moved into a small apartment in a retirement community, so now I have the contents of two homes in my house and she is not willing to give any of it up.
 

Dafodil

Veteran Member
After watching The Hoarders show on TV a common trigger as to why the people let it happen is usually a loss .
 
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