This just tears me up, I am so sorry for your lossMay God's love and understanding surround you and your family.
Grieving a suicide is very different than grieving a more "traditional" death. You will indeed be changed forever.
I lost my significant other to suicide six years ago and I am no longer who I was. Shortly thereafter I'd found this suicide survivors support web site and I honestly don't think I'd still be here without them. Lifting you up in prayer.