Bekka and Garen’s
I felt so bad. I was so weak. My brain wouldn’t lock on earlier. When Garen left to go to help Allyson in town, I was pouring myself into what I normally would in such a situation. I was on the radios, on the maps, trying to plot and plan, but it was no use. My brain wouldn’t lock on.
It was so hard to force myself to pace myself, to make me do what I had to, to continue healing, to continue getting better. The problem was, I felt like a fraud.
This last time I got hurt, I fell into the trap. I remembered I wasn’t the strong one. It was always Kathryn. She was the strong one. She was always my cheerleader, my compass, the engine that got me through.
Once she was gone, my rudder, my engine was gone. The only way I got through things the first several years after she died was to ask myself ‘what would Kathryn do?’ or tell myself I couldn’t disappoint her. As I got older and adjusted to the hole in my life, it wasn’t as deliberate.
I got stronger, more forceful, more commanding. All of that was a big change to the shy ‘little’ sister of the bold and outgoing Kathryn, who was less than an hour older, but my beacon and my shining star. I forged ahead in the darkness.
Somewhere in the darkness as Emilia was saving me, getting me off the field, I surrendered. I couldn’t be the strong one anymore. I reached into that well and came up dry. I cried as I realized I was disappointing Kathryn.
That’s when I felt it. Something I hadn’t felt in so long. I couldn’t explain it if I tried. Not to Garen, not to Kara. I felt that she was with me. Kathryn.
I don’t remember a lot after that, but it would seem like she was with me sometimes, almost like when she taught me how to ice skate, skating beside me, helping me balance.
The problem was, it was like being a drug addict. I craved her presence but it wasn’t like just going to a corner and scoring a rock. It wasn’t like I could command it to happen. It would only happen in a moment of true weakness.
The other night I couldn’t focus, couldn’t make any of it make sense in my head. I even thought I saw her, just a glimpse out of the corner of my eye a time or two. I knew my brain wasn’t making sense. I finally had to do something about it. I had to feel close to her, to get…something.
I went to the barn and sat with the horses, hoping the shared memories would help me connect and settle down some things. I remember sitting down on the haybale, then I kinda remember Isadora.
I got to the house and found a list of things to do in my pocket on the pad I always carried. They all made sense, and it took care of things. Problem was, it was a lot of delegations (not my strong suit) and it was in Kathryn’s handwriting. Looking out for me again. I love her, I miss her, and I feel like I disappointed her. I should have been able to handle it.
I felt bad for Angelique when she got home. She had been gone almost two weeks and felt so behind on everything, but to be fair, she was. When I told her the plan Katheryn had me write down, she had a look like I was telling her to drop the toaster into the tub to make pizza. She wasn’t sure what to do when Ruby showed up either.
Ruby showing up with food was a surprise, even though it shouldn’t have been. The girl had an energy and a vibrancy about her. I felt like a vampire, trying to recharge my energy by absorbing it from her. Why shouldn’t I? She was throwing off so much and had plenty to spare.
Her energy was a great fit here. I loved the fact the cats seemed to accept her. One of these days, it might all be hers anyway unless Allyson and Angelique determine otherwise after Kara, Garen and I are gone.
Kara. When Kara got home, Ruby and I were in the living room. I was listening to some of Kathryn’s favorite songs. I hadn’t told Ruby that little tidbit, but I was still trying to keep connected to Kathryn. Kara wasn’t sure what was going on, and my attempt to explain didn’t make any sense.
At least Garen, Allyson and the others are on their way back now. Until they get home, Merlin will try his tuning fork powers, and if the purring isn’t enough, it’s hard to sit up with twenty plus pounds of cat holding you down.