MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A farmer in Teas decides one day that he wants to have his bull reproduce. He goes out to the pasture and there his bull is, running around the pasture. He says to the bull "It is time for you to spread your seed". The farmer goes on the computer and finds the exact cow he wants, and it's in Minsk, Russia. He goes to Minsk, looks at the cow, and has it put in a crate and shipped back to his farm. He gets back and invites some of his friends over to watch and drink beer. He opens the crate and lets the cow out. The cow goes out into the pasture and the bull sees her. He charges at the cow, gets ready to mount her, but just as he goes to mount she wiggles to the left, away from the bull. He goes away, and decides to try again. He charges at the cow again, gets ready to mount, but just as he goes to mount, she wiggles away to the left and messes him up again. Since the bull is stupid, he goes around for a third time. He charges the cow, gets ready to mount, and success! He mounts the cow! But, the problem is, she wiggles towards the front, out from under him, and gets away. One of the farmer's friends who was watching with him said "So, this cow's from Minsk?" The farmer asks "How did you know?"

The guy says "My wife's from Minsk!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An elderly couple are driving through a winter storm one night when they see a skunk freezing to death on the side of the road.

The lady says "Lets stop and see if we can help it."

They get it into the car and she asks "How can we warm it up?"

The old fella says "Put it under the floor board and the heat should warm it up."

After a few minutes she says "It's not working, it's still so cold...."

He says "Hold it between your legs, that should warm it up."

She asks "What about the smell?"

He says, "Just hold it's nose."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A Business Class traveler was trying to flirt with an attendant.
"So, what's your name young lady?"
She replied "Mercedes, sir."
"Lovely! Any relation to the car?"
"Yes sir, we do have something in common."
"Oh, what would that be?"
"The price tag."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a super athlete who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom,"he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl !"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Research shows. . .

Had cows when we owned the farm years ago. Scientific research shows that cows produce more milk if you talk to them. You might say it was in one ear and out the udder.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Dog's life

A little girl asked her mom, “Mom, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
“No, because she is in heat,” Mom replied.
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl went to the garage and said, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
“Bring Belle over here,” Dad said. He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it, then said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
“Where’s Belle?” Dad asked, worried.
"She ran out of gas abut half way around the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
My childhood memories

Most of the generation of 70+ years were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.
See below - in our parents own words!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”


2. My mother taught me RELIGION .

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”


3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”


4. My father taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why .”


5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."


6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."


7. My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."


8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."


9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"


10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."


11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."


12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!”


13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."


14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!”


15. My mother taught me about ENVY .

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .

"Just wait until we get home."


17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”


18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”


19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?”


20. My father taught me HUMOUR .

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”


21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up”


22. My mother taught me GENETICS .

"You're just like your father."


23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”


24. My mother taught me WISDOM .

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.


25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”



This should only be sent to the over 60 crowds because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents…
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Western lore

We spend a lot of time in S Dakota and have come up on this info. Cowboys used to hang a lantern on their saddle horns if they were traveling late or at night so they could see the trail. This is the earliest use of saddle light navigation we have found.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Another blonde joke......

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that
she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
President Lincoln was approached by a woman after a political speech… If you were my husband I would poison your tea. Lincoln replied...if you are my wife I’ll gladly drink it.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
I was walking down the street and I punched of a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Clint East wood observed a guy driving alone in his car with a mask on. He wondered, does the same guy lie alone in his bed at night with a condom on?
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, Georgia

This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, Georgia, has ever lived in Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who already lives in Atlanta, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta.

Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.
It generally takes about an Hour, to an Hour and a Half to get to Atlanta, from Atlanta.
There is no real Rapid-Transit or Mass-Transit system in Atlanta. There’s something called MARTA (Metro Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority) that doesn’t cover all of Metro Atlanta, and that’s neither “Rapid” nor “Mass”. It’s more of an “Afterthought-last-chance-of-getting-someplace-Transit”
Carpooling rarely happens.

Atlantans love their cars as much as their privacy. There are High Occupancy Vehicle lanes that had to be converted to toll lanes because there weren’t enough 2 or more passenger cars to make it worthwhile.

People have been ticketed for having blow up toys in the passenger seat and dolls in car seats just to try and fake carpooling.
All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree" and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House." except for Cobb County, where all directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken" (Including GPS directions).

Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with:
Peachtree Circle
Peachtree Place
Peachtree Lane
Peachtree Road
Peachtree Parkway
Peachtree Run
Peachtree Terrace
Peachtree Avenue
Peachtree Commons
Peachtree Battle
Peachtree Corners
New Peachtree
Old Peachtree
West Peachtree
Peachtree-Dunwoody
Peachtree-Chamblee
Peachtree Industrial Boulevard
Or any of the 30+ additional streets that have Peachtree in their names.
Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you down
Peachtree.

Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. Coke's all they drink here so don't ask for any other soft drink unless it's made by Coca-Cola. Even if you want something other than a Coca-Cola, it's still called Coke.

EXCEPT Atlantans never say “Co-ca Co-la”, nor “At-lan-ta”.
You drink a “Cocola in Atlanna “
The gates at Atlanta 's Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport are about 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.
The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:00 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.
The 5 p.m. rush hour is from 3:00 p.m. to 7:30 pm.
All remaining hours are the lunch rush hour.
Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2 a.m. Saturday.
Red Lights and Stop Signs in Atlanta aren't treated as LAW. They're more like suggestions.
If the Light has been red for a while, you probably should stop, but if it's only about to turn red, speed up - You Can Make It!

And a STOP sign is treated as a "Slow-down-just-enough-to-make-sure-there's-not-a-cop" Sign.
Only a native can pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is "pawntz duh LEE-awn."

And yes, they have a street named simply, "Boulevard."
The falling of one raindrop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. Overnight, all grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.
I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta, has a posted speed limit of 55-65 mph but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over and is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."

And 285 has wonderful directional signs that advise towns like “Augusta, Greenville, Chattanooga, Birmingham, Montgomery, and Macon” depending which part of the Circle of Hell you are trying to enter. BUT, 285 does NOT take you to any of those cities. It merely points you in a general direction that might lead you there eventually on other highways.
Hell, 285 won’t even take you to Atlanta. Just ask Pascual Perez.
Don't believe the directional markers on highways: I-285 is marked "East" and "West" but you may be going North or South. The locals identify the direction by referring to the "Inner Loop" and the "Outer Loop ." If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.
Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta. Just go to one of the interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.
The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy, and your AR-15 has a full magazine.
Possums and armadillos are flat animals that sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia .
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia.
If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites.
If you notice a vine trying to wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds to escape, before you are completely captured and covered with Kudzu.
It's not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
"Fixinto" is one word (I'm fixinto go to the store) - also can be pronounced "Fixinta".
Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2 years old.
 
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