MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the f*ck are you looking at?" I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
 

RememberGoliad

Veteran Member
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.

"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.”
“You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of 'em, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”
 

MinnesotaSmith

Membership Revoked

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Three dead men go to hell at the same time. There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hell. The Mexican man gets a glass soda bottle, farts into it, closes the lid, pokes many holes in the lid, and asks Satan which hole the fart came from. After pointing to every hole on the lid, the Mexican turns around, points at his butt hole, and says, "Nope, this one."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn’t. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy." The mother asked, "What did you do?" The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into." Now wipe that smile off your face.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to piss so they slip into a nearby cemetery. One uses her panties to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone. Next night, the husbands meet at the bar, one looks at the other and says, "I'm gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no panties last night." The other one says, "Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her ass saying, 'You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.'"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself,
"My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A man asks a farmer near the field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:30 PM train." The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4 PM one."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Remember old folks

Remember old folks are worth a fortune, with silver
in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys,
lead in their feet, and gas in their stomach, I have
become a little older since I saw you last and a few
changes have come into my life since then.

Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal, I
am seeing five gentlemen every day. as soon as I wake
up, Will Power help me get out of bed. Then I go see
John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is
here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he
leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the
day, He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so
he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm
really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay, What a
life.

P.S.
The preacher came to call the other day. He said
that at my age I should be thinking about the here-after.
I told him that I do all the time. No matter where I
am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the
basement, I ask myself, "Now…what am I here after?"

Author Unknown
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Here are five reasons why a woman should think before she speaks. The last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back. Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did...



FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands it was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said No!... I kept thinking Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
 
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