MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Survivor-Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas-Style!"

The contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed through Mission, up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 14 bumper stickers which will read:

1. "I'm A Democrat"

2. "Amnesty For Illegals"

3. "I Love The Dixie Chicks"

4. "Boycott Beef"

5. "I Voted For Obama"

6. " George Strait can't sing"

7. " Elect Hillary In 2024"

8. " Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"

9. "I Love Obamacare and Chuck Schumer"

10. "Al Franken Is My Hero"

11. "I Side With Jane Fonda"

12. "It's Trump's Fault"

13. "Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion"

And the last sticker is...;

14. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive, wins...
 

RememberGoliad

Veteran Member
Guy walking around in a strange town, sees sign: "Ole Olesen's Chinese Laundry". Intrigued, he goes in to find an Asian man standing behind the counter. He asks for the proprietor, man says 'I'm Orrey Orsen, how I can hep?' Man does a double take and replies, 'you're not Scandinavian, how'd you get that name?'

Man behind counter responds, 'At Erris Irand. Man in front of me, big Swede, immiglation officiar ask name, he say Ole Olesen. Officiar write down, say pass. Rook at me, say name. I tell him. Sam Ting.'
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
To be 8 again - how lovely!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you bloody idiot!!!!' she exclaimed.

The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he will never get it right.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The local news station was interviewing a 90-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 90, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director" she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 90's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
7 Degrees of blondness.




FIRSTDEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning .
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'


SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her
purse to take out the gun and, as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'


FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when
he told her she was pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'


SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'


SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call
on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby,
was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.


Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!'
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
As an older single guy a part of my "social life" is eating out at various local spots where I get to flirt with the servers, all in good fun of course.

With that not available now and getting a bit bored, I was trying to think of something new to do when it hit me............................................... phone sex.

I've obviously heard of it but never indulged before, but I thought, what the heck, I'll give it a try.

I called an old girlfriend, she answered and we exchanged pleasantries and then I broached the subject.

"Want to have some good old-fashioned phone sex?" I asked. "You can go first."

There was a pause and then I heard..........SCREW YOU!!"....... and she hung up.

Weird eh?

She was never into quickies when we were actually dating. :laugh:






Take care.

"It is money that produced labels like "alarmism" to describe rational interpretation of data, and it is politics that falsely equates science with opinion." Edisto, 30-07-2016.

"The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth." H L Mencken.

"There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there always has been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.'”—Isaac Asimov

"On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." H. L. Mencken.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
 
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