MAKE ME LAUGH!
- Thread starter Dennis Olson
- Start date
RememberGoliad
Veteran Member
Doc hands out some sample suppositories and tells the guy suffering from constipation to take one each morning and come back in a week? Guy goes back....
"So, Mr. Smith, did the suppositories help?"
"HELL no, Doc! For all the good they did me I could've shoved 'em up my ass!"
"So, Mr. Smith, did the suppositories help?"
"HELL no, Doc! For all the good they did me I could've shoved 'em up my ass!"
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’
Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’
‘Yes,’ the class said.
‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’
A little fellow shouted, Cause your feet ain’t empty.’
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples….’
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’
Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’
‘Yes,’ the class said.
‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’
A little fellow shouted, Cause your feet ain’t empty.’
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples….’
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
My 9-month old granddaughter just did her first Google search. I got this email from my son -
Today Lena took Caitlins phone and was swipping around and then Caitlin looked and saw that Lena had done her first Google search. It was for "sw22". The results were for Smith and Wesson handguns.
Today Lena took Caitlins phone and was swipping around and then Caitlin looked and saw that Lena had done her first Google search. It was for "sw22". The results were for Smith and Wesson handguns.
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Buy a man a vote, and you elect him for a day.
Buy a man a voting machine and you elect him for a lifetime.
Buy a man a voting machine and you elect him for a lifetime.
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
The car in front of me had a bumpersticker on it. It read: "Pray for Nancy Pelosi. Psalm 109:8."
When I got home I opened my bible to the scripture and read it and started laughing.
Psalm 109:8 -"Let her days be few and brief; And let others step forward to place her."
At last -I can voice a Biblical prayer for our Speaker of The House! Let us bow our heads and pray.
This is great, everyone should re post this!
When I got home I opened my bible to the scripture and read it and started laughing.
Psalm 109:8 -"Let her days be few and brief; And let others step forward to place her."
At last -I can voice a Biblical prayer for our Speaker of The House! Let us bow our heads and pray.
This is great, everyone should re post this!
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Senior GPS
I need a senior GPS. It tells you how to get from the living room to the kitchen and then reminds you why you wanted to go there in the first place.
I need a senior GPS. It tells you how to get from the living room to the kitchen and then reminds you why you wanted to go there in the first place.
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Need to re-home a dog
I need to re-home a small terrier that has a tendency to bark all night.
Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll hop over the neighbor’s fence and get him for you.
I need to re-home a small terrier that has a tendency to bark all night.
Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll hop over the neighbor’s fence and get him for you.
SteveReloaded
Veteran Member
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Agnes gets herself into a sticky situation | Mrs Brown's Boys - BBC
Run Time 4:53 M
Agnes gets herself into a sticky situation | Mrs Brown's Boys - BBC - YouTube
Run Time 4:53 M
Agnes gets herself into a sticky situation | Mrs Brown's Boys - BBC - YouTube
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Every Friday night, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the donation box at church. This went on for weeks until the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
“Mrs. Bradley, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”
“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
“Oh, $2,000 a week.”
“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”
“I believe he is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”
“Well, he has one cat house in Chicago, and another in Dallas…”
“Mrs. Bradley, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”
“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
“Oh, $2,000 a week.”
“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”
“I believe he is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”
“Well, he has one cat house in Chicago, and another in Dallas…”
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Anniversary Wishes
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 50th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was eighty.
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 50th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was eighty.
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair!”
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair!”
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?'”
John said, “Well, I doubt it but I’ll write her an email just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote, “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house and I’m not saying you did not take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
A few days later John received an email from his mother which read, “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Julie and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.”
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?'”
John said, “Well, I doubt it but I’ll write her an email just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote, “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house and I’m not saying you did not take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
A few days later John received an email from his mother which read, “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Julie and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.”
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What’s are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” The dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” The dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
RememberGoliad
Veteran Member
I agree completely with her. TxDOT puts up signs that read "ROAD MAY FLOOD" around here. I resent the heck out of them giving the damn road permission to flood. Especially after the last week or so. I've thought about calling them and demanding they replace those signs with ones that read "ROAD MAY NOT FLOOD"
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Walter's Wife, Hollywood, and Caitlyn Jenner?
Run Time 5:53 M
Walter's Wife, Hollywood, and Caitlyn Jenner? | Unhinged in Hollywood | JEFF DUNHAM - YouTube
Run Time 5:53 M
Walter's Wife, Hollywood, and Caitlyn Jenner? | Unhinged in Hollywood | JEFF DUNHAM - YouTube
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Has Walter Gone Too Far?! | RELATIVE DISASTER | JEFF DUNHAM
Run Time 3:39 M
Has Walter Gone Too Far?! | RELATIVE DISASTER | JEFF DUNHAM - YouTube
Run Time 3:39 M
Has Walter Gone Too Far?! | RELATIVE DISASTER | JEFF DUNHAM - YouTube
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
What the 'Greatest Generation' Knew About Raising Kids | James Gregory
Run Time 5:01 M
What the 'Greatest Generation' Knew About Raising Kids | James Gregory - YouTube
Run Time 5:01 M
What the 'Greatest Generation' Knew About Raising Kids | James Gregory - YouTube
Old Reliable
Veteran Member
Where I Find God
Run Time 4:23 M
Larry Fleet - Where I Find God (Official Music Video)
Larry Fleet - Where I Find God (Official Music Video) - YouTube
Run Time 4:23 M
Larry Fleet - Where I Find God (Official Music Video)
Larry Fleet - Where I Find God (Official Music Video) - YouTube
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