MAKE ME LAUGH!

Bps1691

Bps1691

Veteran Member
A little Levity to bring us back to reality:

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
 
O

Old Goat

Contributing Member
TRUE STORY HEARD ON A SASKATOON RADIO STATION
REPORTING ON TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM PRINCE ALBERT

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator from Merlin Motors in Saskatoon for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting at Tobin Lake in mid-October and of course the lake is frozen.

These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the New NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.
Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse
(and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then,
with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG ... ???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING !!!
Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and
grabs the stick of dynamite (with that burning 40-second fuse) just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and
with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.

The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on.

Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and
of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end,
he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then""""""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!!

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake,
leaving the two idiots standing there with...... "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

Now the insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake
by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy.
Remember now he still had not yet made the first of those $560.00 a month payments ...

In case you are wondering ... the dog is okay .

Wildturkey & Fowl Hunting - Smiths Falls, Ontario, Canada

Eastern Ontario's Hidden Retreat - Wild Turkey & Fowl Hunting
web.ncf.ca web.ncf.ca
 
W

Walrus

Veteran Member
h/t to Mike at ColdFury:

THAT’S how you do it!

A woman after my own heart.
Female shopper whips off her THONG and wears it as a Covid facemask
THIS is the shocking moment a shopper whipped off her thong in the middle of a supermarket and donned it as a face covering after being refused service.
The viral clip shows the female customer remove her undies to put on her face after being warned she would not be served without a Covid mask on.
The bizarre incident was caught on camera at a Pick n Pay supermarket in South Africa, and has since caused quite a stir online.
The shopper was asked to put on a face covering by a security guard, but claimed she did not have one.
After threatening to remove her from the store, footage shows the woman then reach under her dress and whip off her thong to use as a makeshift mask.
Another female shopper, reportedly the same woman who went viral earlier in the week for telling supermarket staff to remove their face masks, appeared to congratulate her, saying “well done”.
Click to expand...
Well done is right. But naturally, a horde of cowardly Karens came out of the woodwork online to wildly flap their arms and skreeee!! in hysterical condemnation of the righteous babe’s perfect improvisational flipping of the freedom bird at the panic-ninnies. This one cops the award for Most Obtuse:
“We have a serious virus and (she thinks) a G-string will save her. Come on grow up. What must your family think?”
Click to expand...
Might want to have a wee gander at the box your own precious little face-diaper came in, Einstein. Chances are it looks something like this:


IneffectiveMask.jpg



Ooops. No prize this time, you quaking lackwit, but thanks for playing our game anyway. A tip of the cap and a big, fat CF kiss a-blown to the sassy lassie who so cheekily gave us all a real-world demonstration of the USMC’s “adapt and overcome” motto, bless her clever self. If she hasn’t already auctioned the thong off on eBay for substantial remuneration, I hope like hell she does.
 
V

vestige

Deceased
There once was a young man from Mass...

Whose balls were constructed of glass.

When he banged them together...

They played "Stormy Weather"...

And lightning shot out of his ass.
 
Bps1691

Bps1691

Veteran Member
Great Truths

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams


2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill


5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy


7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)


8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Case , Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University .​

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it
moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P. J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer , English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -- Aesop

​
 
Bps1691

Bps1691

Veteran Member
FIVE BEST SENTENCES

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take
from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!
 
cyberiot

cyberiot

Rimtas žmogus
vestige said:
There once was a young man from Mass...

Whose balls were constructed of glass.

When he banged them together...

They played "Stormy Weather"...

And lightning shot out of his ass.
Click to expand...

There once was an engineer, Paul,
Who had a hexagonal ball.
The square of the weight
Of his pecker, plus eight,
Is his phone number--give him a call.

--John Valby
 
dawgofwar10

dawgofwar10

Veteran Member
Best choreographed scene I have ever seen, makes me want to throw off the crutches and knock somebody else’s walkers sideways and get foot loose!!!
 
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  • LOL
Reactions: ted
dawgofwar10

dawgofwar10

Veteran Member
Old Reliable said:
Righteous brothers(bobby)- unchained melody
Run Time 5;19 m

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZZqf3AVJbE&list=RDMM&index=10
Click to expand...
Thank You Lord, for allowing me to grow up in America In 50’s and beyond. It is so irreplaceable, I wish I could bestow that on my Son and Grandson, but alas, that does not seems like it’s going to happen. Somehow I faltered in my service to you, I acknowledge that!!! How can I bow down to you for forgiveness in my transgression from many years of ignoring your calls to come back. Please, Please, Please I will sacrifice whatever you ask from to deliver upon my son and grandson the joys I had as a youth.
 
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