MAKE ME LAUGH!

RememberGoliad

Veteran Member
When you're over seventy...........who cares

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches....but,
When you're over seventy.............who cares?
**********

I went to the drug store and told the clerk, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said "Nah....she's purty good lookin'....."
When you're over seventy.............who cares?
***********

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.
Cost me a fat lip, but....
When you're over seventy............who cares?
**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really," she said, "Go on then....try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but....
When you're over seventy..............who cares?
*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're over seventy.............who cares?
**********

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you're over seventy............who cares?
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".

The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."

Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"

The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought...
Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...it's a trap.

There's two of them."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
As an older single guy a part of my "social life" is eating out at various local spots where I get to flirt with the servers, all in good fun of course.

With that not available now and getting a bit bored, I was trying to think of something new to do when it hit me............................................... phone sex.

I've obviously heard of it but never indulged before, but I thought, what the heck, I'll give it a try.

I called an old girlfriend, she answered and we exchanged pleasantries and then I broached the subject.

"Want to have some good old-fashioned phone sex?" I asked. "You can go first."

There was a pause and then I heard..........SCREW YOU!!"....... and she hung up.

Weird eh?

She was never into quickies when we were actually dating.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Remember all that shit about preparedness

A young Airman was awarded Airman of the Quarter. His prize was an orientation flight on an F-4.

The morning of the flight, the Airman arrived on the flight line and the Pilot briefed him on Emergency Procedures which included instructions on the ejection seat.

When it came time for the flight, they boarded the aircraft and taxied to the end of the runway.

The pilot pushed the throttles up, released the brakes, headed down the runway and took off.

During their assent, there was a pop and silence - flame out - no engines.

The pilot instructed the young airman over hot mike "remember all that shit about the ejection seat?

DO IT NOW!"

They both ejected and took a silk letdown to the ground.

yea, "Remember all that shit about preparedness?"

Do it now.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The Sportsman’s Double

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that? I asked. ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, ‘No, I haven’t.’

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night’. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom, you still awake?’
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Father of Many

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and said, “I am the Father of many.”

The boy said, “My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”

The priest, getting impatient, said “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly… but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Money for Dry Cleaning

A guy at a bar got so drunk, he fell off his stool and vomited all over his shirt. Getting up, he says to the bartender: “Oh no, my wife will start a fight when I get back because now she will know I drank too much.”

The bartender puts $10 into the man’s shirt pocket and says: “Just tell her that it was someone else who vomited on you and in apologies gave you money for dry cleaning.” The man is happy and goes home.

Back home, the man’s wife opens the door and seeing his shirt, she starts yelling: “You were at the bar again…” but the man stops her in her tracks and says: “Yes, I did go to the bar and had just one beer when this other drunk vomited all over me. Check my shirt pocket, he apologized and even gave me $10 for dry cleaning.”

The woman hesitantly checks the pocket and exclaims: “But there’s $20 in here.” “That’s because he also pooped my pants,” explains the man.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Grandma

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Sex Change Operation

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During
the game the guys notice the girl knows much more about the game then they
do, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, “How is it that
you know so much about baseball?” She says, “Well, I used to be a guy and
got a sex change.”

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

“What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT
off?”

“That *was* very painful, but was not the most painful part.”

“Was it when they cut off the sack holding the family jewels?”

“That was very painful too, but was not the most painful part.”

“What was the most painful part?”

“The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half.”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Distraught Blonde

A distraught young blonde woman suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her. In a fit of anger, she drove to a local pawn shop and bought a gun.

She showed up at his apartment unexpectedly, slammed open the door, and sure enough he was in his bedroom, naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead.

This angered her, and in the heat of the moment, she opened her purse and pulled out the handgun she bought earlier. She took aim, but grief overcame here and she pointed the gun at her own head.

“Honey, NO!!! Don’t do it!!!” he yelled.

The blonde started crying and through the tears screamed: “Shut up, cheater. You are next.”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he’d see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, “Sure.”

So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:

“I’ll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down.”

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.

A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.

He called into headquarters on his radio: “Hey, you guys aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there’s a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!”
 
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