DEAR DIARY

gunboat

Inactive
Dear Diary,


For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!


Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I
did my situps, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth
brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get
in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me
off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours
of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
> > >
_________________________________________________________________
 

Hamilton Felix

Inactive
LOL! I loved it! I'm 50, right at midlife crisis time and thinking I need a self-improvement program. Maybe I should skip the cute perky physical trainer... :lol: Maybe I'd be better off just going out in the woods, just me and the trees.... :D
 

LindaSW

Senior Member
Back in August this is what I got DH (and myself, we don't go at the same time) for out 30th Anniversary -
 
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