[OT] Blink of an Eye Commentary

Didn't want to mess with the storyline so I'll start a thread for the kudos.

Nice to see you back writing, sir! It has my interest.

RR

Couldn't beleive how excited I was when I saw that you had started another story. Can't wait to see what happens

OK, got the wife to read the story so far and she tells me that I blew it on the Girl Scout meeting. Apparently the troop leader would never make refreshments that way, the girls are supposed to do it. Says I'm still too preachy about food storage too.

Sigh.

Now if I can just get her to finish editing <i>We Interrupt This Program</i>.

......Alan.

Well, A.T., it looks as if you're off to a FLYING START even if you did get

the cookies wrong.

It reads well, and the title keeps one on the edge of their seat waiting for ????. Very good start, and the characters are real.

Best,
Woolly

Oh, good grief. I've got to hurry up and get this silly thing written. Events are moving so fast I'm going to end up writing a past-history instead of a future-history!

.....Alan.

OK folks, how about some feedback.

Is this story holding anyone's attention?

Do you find the characters to be real?

Is the plot plausible?

Does the story move along at an acceptable pace?

.....Alan.

Well, if it helps, I got real excited when I saw thet it was you that had been the last poster for this SIG and I rushed straight-away to read the next chapter.

Only not to find a chapter!!

I had a hard time adjusting to the protagonist focus from Larry to John at the beginning and that slowed the beginning down for me a bit, but it sure has picked up the pace! By the time the Korean let the missles fly, I could almost feel his frustration. Very well written.

Thanks for posting what you have so far!

The setting and intro of your main characters are going well Alan.

Of course I'm always ready to jump into the action,but I will be patient!

Your hero with the busted foot and possible? un-diagnosed heart problems make you wonder what will happen to him. Thats good!

Your NK pilot read very well. Made him very human and shows what has happened to him on the speed pill he took.

I know you are aware that our pilots in GWI were taking those pills also and how it affects judgement.

No mention on the news that our ship was in Korean waters or seemed to be. Have to wait to see how you play that one out.

Good read Alan!

Alan, I am going to start reading this now. My thoughts when I saw that you have a new story in the works was "finally, another great one to get our minds off the recent load of bull we have been going through". Thanks.

Alan, the story has my interest and seems to be flowing well. Nice build-up rather than jumping into the fire. I like the cold frying pan slowly heating up approach very nicely.

With any story it may take a bit to get everyone "defined" in the readers' minds but that is called a fact of writing. Pray, sir, continue.

RR

Alan, I just finished the latest installment. WOW!! It kept me on the edge of my seat. Keep it coming.

HooWee, Ditto what Ironskull said! Keep it coming!! Great Chapter!

Gotta tell ya again what a great story this is Alan. Now I also gotta tell ya how this story and the events of my morning made me almost freak out. I read this story yesterday. I was really thinking how I hated it here when about 5 years ago our power was out for 5 days. We went to sleep and about 3:40 AM this morning I got up to get a drink and use the rest room. Everything was fine. At 4:10 this morning, my DW woke me up to tell me the power was out. It wasn't totally out but like half of the box was out. No appliances or well pump or furnace. Our lights would work very dimly. Now mind you, it was -11 below zero degrees this morning. I was about to come out of my skin. My genny was way in the back of the garage and we had no firewood cut and split to use in the wood stove. DW went out and grabbed some logs from the bank by the lake that we were going to use for firewood but had not gathered or cut. She grabbed her trusty little bow saw and cut a bunch of wood in short order and we had a nice fire roaring in the stove. My overactive mind was working overtime this morning. I kept thinking of the EMP in the story. Only thing was our trucks started and there was trafic way up on the main road that we could see from out hill. Also the phones worked so we could call Detroit Edison. Well, the power came back on about 7:10 AM and I was ecstatic. Anyway, thought I'd share this with ya all.

Oh man, Ironskull, I bet you DID pause for a moment. In a similar vein, She Who Must Be Obeyed is a little behind in reading the story. As she read the part about the recon aircraft being 'lost' in NK, I showed her the REAL story from yesterday about our recon plane being buzzed. She didn't quite know what to say!


I was also fortunate in that, being a relative new-comer, I got to read 'we interrupt...' after it was completed. I now understand ya'lls predicament during that story: the first thing I do now when getting on the 'net is check to see if he's added an installment!!

Steven, thank you for posting in the main forum that Alan had started a new story. I had forgotten, with everything else going on, to check over here. I was sooo excited to see a new Hagan story that I'm staying up much too late to read it. Starting now....but want to also thank you, Alan, for posting another one. I'm sure it'll be great!

Excellent Alan.

I can see how "fringe" GI's would miss the dots that are popping up.

Living and working through the unrest of the mid-60s,I KNOW how thin the veneer of civilization is in the USA.

To hear gunshots and pervs roaming the street for victims would be very real IMO.

Most people would be home bound in this situation because of the EMP but also the unknown would keep most people hiding and frightened.

Excellent story. Very realistic and an enjoy to read.

Alan Great Story...

Patiently (not) awaiting the next part.....don't leave us in suspense too long. I've just started reading Members Stories and yours is the first. And I do get it....

Alan, great story! Can't wait for the next installment. I really like how you've developed your characters more this time. The spelling and such needs a little clean up before submitting, but you really should be published. I can see the time when we'll be anxiously waiting for your new books to come out.

I enjoyed this chapter as usual Alan. Thanks again.

Alan, Thank you for another great one. Would you know of a place on the net with info on the backup of the sewer thing when a whole system fails? I Never imagined anything like that and we ARE downhill from other homes. I cant figure out exactly whats happening with the sewer thing but would sure like to understand the how of it. I DO have other things prepared and plans for the "outhouse" if needed.
Is there any way we could talk you into a way to get a file of this story And the last one that is all in one piece that ONLY members could obtain in order to pass the COPYRIGHTED story with all the great information they contain along to loved ones that are DGI's? In my case I would only print about 3 or 4 copies and give to certain trusted people to try and make them understand what they might be facing.
Thanks again, Alan

I have a wedding to attend up in Georgia this weekend folks so I probably won't be posting another piece of the story before Monday I think. See you all then!

.....Alan.

Another good start. I've been reading the story for the past couple days at lunch, and just finished it. I was pleased to see you're back in the writing mode, and deliberately read most of it in one sitting before looking at the comment board.

A couple of holes, but nothing serious. I thought your character development in "We Interrupt.." took about the right amount of time (chapter wise), and I liked the descriptions of the farm, preparations, mindset, etc. of the characters. I don't have that same feeling here, kind of like the story was rushed a bit.

Loved the bit with the Rolling Stones song...

If I were to add anything to this, it might be similar to the narrative that gave the bigger picture, similar to what you did in "We Interrupt.." But, the mystery of what happened, the fear of the unknown, is also a powerful story tool.

Can't wait for the next hunk.

You do realize, however, that you'll again be pestered mercilessly again, don't you?

Best regards,

Tom S.
Spokane, WA

The only element more common than hydrogen is stupidity.---Einstein

Thanks for the feedback Tom!

Care to elaborate a bit on what you said? What holes did you find?

Glad you liked the Rolling Stones bit, that was one piece that my wife said didn't work for her at all. She thinks it'll go over the heads of readers too young to be familiar with the Stones, but I liked it.

This story is intentionally different from <i>We Interrupt This Program...</i> as I didn't want to simply replicate the same type of story with a new cast of characters. There will - gradually - be more of the "outside world" narrative but remember the circumstances the characters are working under at the particular point of the story we're in at just this moment.

I'm back from Georgia now and as soon as I get the accumulated chores out of the way and catch up on some sleep I'll start working on the next piece.

.....Alan.

Thanks again Alan for another good chapter.

A.T.Hagan said:

Thanks for the feedback Tom!

Care to elaborate a bit on what you said? What holes did you find?

(On a second read, I couldn't find what I thought I saw. But then again, I read it over a couple of days and the 'hole' could've been *me* rather than the story. )

Glad you liked the Rolling Stones bit, that was one piece that my wife said didn't work for her at all. She thinks it'll go over the heads of readers too young to be familiar with the Stones, but I liked it.

This story is intentionally different than <i>We Interrupt This Program...</i> as I didn't want to simply replicate the same type of story with a new cast of characters. There will - gradually - be more of the "outside world" narrative but remember the circumstances the characters are working under at the particular point of the story we're in at just this moment.

I'm back from Georgia now and as soon as I get the accumulated chores out of the way and catch up on some sleep I'll start working on the next piece.

.....Alan.

Click to expand...

Just read the latest chapter. Good job on integrating the outside world so far. I think you're right, that news would be sketchy at best. I think the hardest thing that I'm dealing with is the 'chapter' development--in that I'm used to reading more at one time in a regular novel than you can reasonably be expected to generate in a couple of days (big fat grin here).

Depending on exactly which neighborhood you're in, the de-evolution will run at very different rates. You touched on that here. I guess I'd expect to see vigilante guards next....

take care--

Tom S.

<b>Another great chapter!
Good job, Alan. I just finished yesterday's installment.

A couple comments: at the conclusion of the chapter, you bring up the source of the big fire--Union Street Station. Then in the following few sentences on how the fire started. A suggestion: for fleshing-out purposes, is Union Street Station an old train station that's been rehabbed into shops, urban low income or upscale housing, or what. A little background can go a long way in telling the story.

Another little nit to pick: In our larger neighborhood, when bad things happen, word spreads like wildfire...and I think that's what might be bugging me about the story (bugging is the wrong word, though). Over the past few years we've had a couple of domestic situations resolved with mixed results, including a murder/suicide/arson fire (that was an eventful day!), and an ice storm that shut off power for either days or weeks. Ugly.

When bad things happen, news and information spreads insanely fast. Telegraphed. Right and wrong. When our power goes out (for any length of time--over fifteen minutes), we've checked on all our neighbors, etc. and tried to track down the reason. Usually huddled out in the middle of the street or over at the fence wondering what happened. When the murder/suicide/arson fire happened, I heard first on the radio, that it was on my street--it wasn't--I was 10 miles away at work. The fire took out all power and phones in the neighborhood, then we were on word-of-mouth. Shots fired. Neo-nazi. Cops shot. Firemen shot. All wrong, with the exception of shots fired (guy killed his brother, then himself after setting the house afire. 'Shots fired' was sound of several hundred rounds cooking off). Anyway, wild speculation runs its course--and I think that we've all seen that lately with the upcoming war, we'll see it in the media this week with this 'super pneumonia'.

FWIW!

Tom S.
Spokane</b>

Tom, I'm taking the liberty of moving my reply over here to the commentary thread to keep things neat.

You're right about the word-of-mouth thing, I haven' been giving it enough attention.

I'll try to make the Union Street Station thing a bit clearer too in the story. It's a downtown renovation project that cost big bucks and involved tearing down about a block of downtown Gainesville in order to build this two story structure that has shops on the ground floor and apartments on the upper floor.

Been slow getting writing done these last few days with the fast pace of the news and this persistent head and chest congestion bug plaguing the family. I've noticed when I've got a thundering headache my writing starts getting dark, dark, dark which kinda puts people off I think so I have to go back and try to lighten it up again, or just delete the whole thing and come back to it later.

.....Alan.

Alan, I've just finished #18. You are growing better and better

at telling a story. And the vinegar trick was a revelation. I'm taking notes!

It's a great story, and it's developing nicely.

Congratulations!

Does this Grandfather have to die too?

Vere, cut me some slack here will ya?

I've killed off <b>one</b> grandfather in <b>one</b> story!

And I'll have you know when I gave my dad a copy of the manuscript I got no end of flack about it since it was patently obvious who Robert Horne was based on!

Now as for *this* story, I ain't sayin'.

.....Alan.

Alan
Just a note.
Thank you for the stories and the thinking that they cause.
And your people are human. Seems like I could just give them a phone call or go visit.

Keep it up.

Thanks, AngieM2 in Ala

Alan, it just keeps getting better and better. It's keeping me on the edge of my seat. Thanks.

AngieM2 said:

Alan
Just a note.
Thank you for the stories and the thinking that they cause.
And your people are human. Seems like I could just give them a phone call or go visit.

Keep it up.

Thanks, AngieM2 in Ala

Click to expand...

Thanks Angie!

That is exactly what I've been trying to do with this story - make them human. They are us and we are them. Just ordinary people who find themselves in extraordinary circumstances who have to get by as best they can.

Glad to see y'all are still enjoying the story.

.....Alan.

Alan, just got through the riot at the food distribution center.

Excellent story. Moving well. And sad to say,very realistic.

It would be interesting to see or hear where the people that are leaving are going.

Maybe a conversation or two from them. I have thought maybe family or "where the grass is greener".

Thanks
Tim

The only reason I'm not waiting for the next installment with baited breath is because I refuse to eat nightcrawlers in a non-survival setting.

I know you've got a life Alan, and I know it takes time to write these things, but...

HURRY!
Please?

I haven't forgotten. In fact, I'm working on the next piece now.

I'm just in a dilemma because if I take the story out to the logical conclusion demanded by the internal plotlines of the story (not fully revealed to you readers yet) it goes down a road I'm not real thrilled with taking.

I want to go in another direction, but haven't yet seen how to do this and remain true to the plot.

A solution will come to me presently I'm sure.

.....Alan.

Al, your story has a nice *earthy* plot to it. The human emotions are understandable and expectable as are the responses. No superheroes, just Joe Average. I look forward to future additions after just now catching up after an enforced absense of reading time.

RR

OK, it's Friday night and I just posted the next piece of the story. I'm off to the NRA convention for the weekend so won't be back to work on the next piece before Monday.

Everyone have a good weekend!

.....Alan.

A.T.Hagan said:

OK, it's Friday night and I just posted the next piece of the story. I'm off to the NRA convention for the weekend so won't be back to work on the next piece before Monday.

Everyone have a good weekend!

.....Alan.

Click to expand...

Ohhh, man....

Rub it in why don't you?


Enjoy the convention, wish I was there!

Alan,it will be interesting who will replace Charlton Heston. Heard any rumors?
Im sure you enjoyed yourself.

The story looks like its going to make a major turn quite soon IMO.

What with the Chinese and us at war. The siren woke me up too!
Makes me want to read what you havent even written yet!

Thanks again Alan..........Great story.

Blink

Nice work on both recent chapters. While in the back of my mind I thought C. would be involved, I was still grabbed by it.

Now, things get interesting.

I've been reading this, thinking about how a parallel story in my part of the country would spool out.

I think right about now, though, my part of the country would very soon become a smoking hole in the ground. Take out our local AFB and it becomes much more complicated to refuel aircraft in this half of the hemisphere (not that, within the framework of your story, are the planes still here!). We're probably already well within range of the 20 or so ICBM's that we acknowledge that China has, which if they're equipped with MIRV's, expands the theater of operations very widely. Take out Bangor Sub base, Bremerton, Seattle (Boeing), big chunks of SF, Long Beach, Pearl, and the Pacific is wide open. Well, at least for the 20 minutes it takes from launch to 'portable sunrises' over Bejing, et. al. Those cities could be gone with 1 missle equipped with a 6 pack MIRV. I think the standard is 10.

The more interesting development is the Russian side to the declaration of war. With 200 million Chinese regulars spread world wide, the resources in Siberia have to look pretty poorly protected. Not to mention the several-hundred-thousand in the Sudan, and elsewhere that we aren't privy to.

Ugly, real ugly.

Eagerly looking forward to the next chunk. Hope someone in your story knows how to use a KFM!

Tom S.
Spokane