Thank you for the view and the review. Like I said I was looking for feedback. I am trying to do the best I can at this and that takes feed back. I went back and took a look at the points you made. I generally agree with you. I am learning to work these things out. This is my first effort. But in my defense I have to say I’ve seen plenty of mistakes and credibility beatings in professional books and movies. It’s really harder than it looks.
“Wow!!! How did you manage to get all that information in a mere dozen chapters???”
I take that to mean that the chapters were too long. I agree. They were. I am working on that point with the next one. Besides being tiring to read long chapters make it rough on revision.
“The scene where the patrol car is wrecked and the officer is dead and Jill and Missy are taking the armaments from the trunk is a bit unbelievable. To have that amount of ammo is almost unheard of and I have driven patrol cars over a 20 plus years period of time.”
I also have 20 years of experience in police/corrections. The armament in my small department would not have been a stretch. Possibly your dept forbid the use of personal weapons, while mine did not provide duty weapons we had to buy our own. Most all of us had semi-automatic rifles of some sort usually kept at home. But if the situation arose, and there was time we could swing by to pick them up or if we felt like it we could pack them in the car.
In the situation portrayed I could envision an officer swinging by his apartment and picking up the rifle and ammo. Or even carrying it routinely if allowed. And too, many departments today are issuing these types of rifles. In a hurry, I could see him picking up a case instead of juggling a load of smaller boxes.
The department issued ammo in the front floorboard. I envisioned after the officers on the bridge running out of ammo, the department called the officers in to issue extra ammo. But after looking at the text and dragging out the calculator, you’re right, that was a monstrous amount. I tried to go by cases, as if the ammo had been distributed hurriedly. But those boxes would have taken the whole floorboard.
As for the 44 under the seat, I tried to portray the officer as a civilian firearms instructor and that he had a class scheduled after his shift. And that he had intended on getting in some range time there also. Hence his personal gun under the seat, placed there at the beginning of the shift and forgotten during the riots, and the gun safety material in the trunk.
Admittedly it was all a stretch or an incredible stroke of luck for the characters. But how else are you going supply the two characters with guns, ammo and the know how to use them, quickly. I try to stay away from such things, but I saw this as the only way without these two ladies strong-arming a street thug. That also would be a stretch.
As for the ladies learning about guns and tactics, that’s why the training material and then their taking turns reading it overnight and getting to know the guns. That might not be so much of a stretch. The department I am with now, trains its new recruits to qualify in a four-hour classroom session. Most lady recruits that have never touched a gun do qualify on a police fire course, after that four hours, with a 12 ga riot, a 38 revolver and a mini-14. (yes it does get scary sometimes)
When I have read books where the desperately needed articles seem to just miraculously appear, it makes me go “yeah right” also. In fact I regret having the characters find the underground storage area, for a couple of reasons. For the reason mentioned above and also I really don’t like stories with advanced military weapons. But my friend wanted to be a helicopter pilot. So I worked that in and I did get a little weapon hungry.
The machine gun in the helicopters was only said to be a machine gun. I don’t believe I gave it a model. And the 30-caliber machine gun was a purposeful generalization. I didn’t really know that much about the military weapons but I figured a general reference to a 30 caliber would cover a class of weapon instead of a specific one. Now looking it up, I see that I was wrong there also point well taken.
Also the carrying of the ammo from the patrol car, the carry of the machine gun and cans, and also the part where Missy jumps out of the truck with the machine gun and two belts of ammo (that’s a heavy load for a 16 year old girl) are stretches now that I look back.
The key was in the dodge yes, but like it said the managers may not have expected someone to steal it locked inside the showroom. (Convenience on my part). Jill was even surprised to find it there. But the box trucks key was in the manager’s office. Jill radioed the truck number so Missy could find it in the key box. The other semi trucks I don’t believe I said how they obtained the keys. At that point I felt the story line sagging a bit and tried to hurry it along.
The pallet jacks, yeah. I have used both kinds myself. I still bust the bottom board of the pallet. Actually IIRC the pallet jacks were only used to transfer from truck to truck. She used a forklift mainly. And I never operated one. But she did piddle with it for twenty minutes before she was soon zipping about the warehouse like a pro. Well yeah maybe not like a pro. I did learn to operate a cat rubber tired front-end loader once in a few minutes of learning. But I realize there are probably more controls to a forklift.
“ The whiny people that were found that allowed themselves to become enslaved were probably better left to die of other causes. There will always be people that are to morally weak to take charge of their own situation.”
I agree but I also feel that there may be people mixed in like Conrad and Maria that are not too weak to be rescued they just got caught with their Pants down. (No pun intended) I hoped it would also paint a picture to the DGI’s that read it what might be in store for them without the means to protect them. And how silly their arguments can seem. Of course it did prove to be fruitful. They gained Conrad and Maria and a few others. At least they did run off the ones that didn’t want to fight and only whined.
Sex and Nudity factor, I agree with you. But there are others that disagree with us. The original version was smut. I have a friend who influenced me badly. But I have had several requests for the smut version. My SIL is a Preachers wife. She said this version was too smutty, but she read every word even though I asked her to return it if she didn’t want to read it. But regardless i am toning that down also.
“ One other thing is this, the Spellchecker is your friend.”
You are not going to believe this part. Proof reading and checking spelling seems like such a simple thing. But this version has been through three different spelling and grammar checking programs, several times! I have proof read it so many times I am sick of looking at it, a friend proofed it three times. I still found spelling errors even as I posted it here. YET, there are spelling errors still. It is terribly frustrating. There are 92,000 words here, to find each error is a task. Also a word processor will leave a ward in palace (case in point) that’s misplaced or doesn’t fit as long as it matches a word in them dictionary.
Plus, And you won’t believe this but I have learned that a word processor can undo corrections as you move to other areas or upload files. I learned that when I was trying to upload the text to the publisher. That’s why they use PDF uploads. I am going to start saving and editing using PDF for the next one hopefully it will eliminate that quirk.
Again thank you for the read and the feedback. I hope you feel that I took the feedback positively. It was meant to be. I have learned from you a few things to watch for. Also, on the points that I explained, Even though I may have done such things or seen such things, other people may not have. Also I may need to put more detail into some scenes.
I hold your input in high regard, thank you for your effort.
