Children's Crusade Comments

carioca

carioca

Inactive
I started this series of stories as a reaction to an archetype prevalent in groups of survivors in zombie stories.

I'm sure you've seen it before, the group is mostly men, and if there are any children, there on only one or two and their only role is to tug at heartstrings and be rescued. In real life 'PAW's, there are always women and children, in most cases the men actually die off first.




So CC is a bit of a 'what if'...


What if there were a group of survivors that were mostly children? How would it come about? How would they deal with other groups? With adults in their own group? (Because children will see, and point out, when adults in charge are clearly incompetent)

In addition, there are no mad scientists experimenting, no government conspiracies or cover-ups, Soldiers are not mindless myrmidons holding fealty to corrupt politicians. Take the real world, add zombies, give it a little shake, then watch what happens to a couple of busloads of 3-11th graders when the zombie apocalypse happens during their field trip.


Each scene is from the POV of a single character with the 'camera' tight behind the shoulder of the POV character. If you spot a POV switch within a scene, please let me know.
 
carioca

carioca

Inactive
kaijafon said:
ok, feel free to post lots and lots of chapters ....that way...I can..... hmmmmm... determine if this is a super great story or just a brilliant one... yeah.


LOL! MOAR PLEASE AND THANK YOU!!! :D
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but *why* do you like it?

What do you think about Alex?

Jeremy?

Jenny?

The others?


Like them? hate them? why?

Anything confusing? boring? Anything that just makes you say 'huh'?
 
carioca

carioca

Inactive
SheWoff said:
I can see the MOAR zombies lining up for this story as I type...it's getting bad out here...they look hungry...oh so shambling in their walk and oh so hungry for....
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But *why* are they hungry for more?

Did they like Zoe or hate her?

Do they want to see her die?

Do they think she'll save her kids?


Do they remember seeing her in another story?
 
carioca

carioca

Inactive
sssarawolf said:
I am not usually much for Zombie stories but this isnt bad at all, thank you.
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Probably because it is about the people, not the zombies. The Zombies are only the background, like a nuclear exchange, a pandemic or a meteor strike. They set the scene but are not the story.
 
bad_karma00

bad_karma00

Underachiever
I like it because the kids are stepping up. Like ignoring the demand to bring the bus back and leave the others in the wreck. That's a load, and the kids recognize it. I've got a nephew who would do the same thing. I really liked where the little boy was instructing Zoe on how to properly handle the revolver. Made my day right there, since I've got boys who would be in the same spot. "No, no, not like that, like this," lol.

I thought the story had a good flow to it as well. Transitions were smoothly done from one scene to the next. And, I like the fact that there's no 'back story' on how this got started. We're learning things at the same time the characters are, and that's a good thing, IMO, especially with a story like this.

Finally, I appreciate the confusion, and panic written into the characters. They have no idea what's happening, and have to take each event with only the knowledge of what they can see for themselves.

Good work! Also, I apologize for initially commenting on the story thread. I didn't see this until just now. I'll see if I can edit it out.

Bad
 
carioca

carioca

Inactive
Siskiyoumom said:
Ditto...moar please....with whipped cream cheese and powdered sugar on top.

thanks, Sis
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Ok, fine....

but don't you have any comments, any suggestions to make the story better, or even anything you liked a lot and don't want cut in the final version?
 
carioca

carioca

Inactive
bad_karma00 said:
I like it because the kids are stepping up. Like ignoring the demand to bring the bus back and leave the others in the wreck. That's a load, and the kids recognize it. I've got a nephew who would do the same thing. I really liked where the little boy was instructing Zoe on how to properly handle the revolver. Made my day right there, since I've got boys who would be in the same spot. "No, no, not like that, like this," lol.

I thought the story had a good flow to it as well. Transitions were smoothly done from one scene to the next. And, I like the fact that there's no 'back story' on how this got started. We're learning things at the same time the characters are, and that's a good thing, IMO, especially with a story like this.

Finally, I appreciate the confusion, and panic written into the characters. They have no idea what's happening, and have to take each event with only the knowledge of what they can see for themselves.

Good work! Also, I apologize for initially commenting on the story thread. I didn't see this until just now. I'll see if I can edit it out.

Bad
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Thanks for the comments.

I'm sticking to third person limited, each scene is written from inside one character's head. (I think I've managed not to do any head-hopping). The reader should get their thoughts and feelings, but has to infer the other characters from what the POV character actually notices.

next scene up.
 
O

OldArcher

Has No Life - Lives on TB
bad_karma00 said:
I like it because the kids are stepping up. Like ignoring the demand to bring the bus back and leave the others in the wreck. That's a load, and the kids recognize it. I've got a nephew who would do the same thing. I really liked where the little boy was instructing Zoe on how to properly handle the revolver. Made my day right there, since I've got boys who would be in the same spot. "No, no, not like that, like this," lol.

I thought the story had a good flow to it as well. Transitions were smoothly done from one scene to the next. And, I like the fact that there's no 'back story' on how this got started. We're learning things at the same time the characters are, and that's a good thing, IMO, especially with a story like this.

Finally, I appreciate the confusion, and panic written into the characters. They have no idea what's happening, and have to take each event with only the knowledge of what they can see for themselves.

Good work! Also, I apologize for initially commenting on the story thread. I didn't see this until just now. I'll see if I can edit it out.

Bad
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Carioca,

I have to agree with bad_karma00's entire post. Very, very lifelike...

Robert Heinlein, with whom I've compared your work (very favorably), always insisted on putting "ordinary" people into extraordinary situations- THEN watch to see what they'd do... In effect, you, like Heinlein, let the characters drive the story... Your depth of character development brings me back. Blood, guts, and gore can only do so much. HOW they develop, is the hook, which you have so adroitly set... And yes, the scene of a little one teaching someone older how to shoot a handgun, that is/was priceless... I wish you all the best, and will continue to eagerly await each new installment. Already, I find myself rereading your work, as I did Heinlein's (and I still do...). I started reading Heinlein at the age of six. Orphans of the Sky, it was... I also reread S.M. Stirling, Jerry D. Young, Gary D. Ott, Jerry Pournelle, Larry Niven, and a few "oldies," like Edgar Rice Burroughs, Jules Verne, and Arthur Conan Doyle. You, Carioca, are, indeed, in august company... I wish you and yours well, that you always be in good health, safe, and forever, free...

I've wondered, I confess, if this is to keep your "blade" sharp, perhaps between books you may have already published? You have, undoubtedly, talent beyond the usual poster on such fora as these... We do have a handful of authors/writers here, that I've oft wondered, if they, too, are not published? Regardless, we, the humble readers here, are blessed to have such, for entertained, entranced, and enscorceled are we...

OldArcher, out...
 
carioca

carioca

Inactive
OldArcher said:
Carioca,

I have to agree with bad_karma00's entire post. Very, very lifelike...

Robert Heinlein, with whom I've compared your work (very favorably), always insisted on putting "ordinary" people into extraordinary situations- THEN watch to see what they'd do... In effect, you, like Heinlein, let the characters drive the story... Your depth of character development brings me back. Blood, guts, and gore can only do so much. HOW they develop, is the hook, which you have so adroitly set... And yes, the scene of a little one teaching someone older how to shoot a handgun, that is/was priceless... I wish you all the best, and will continue to eagerly await each new installment. Already, I find myself rereading your work, as I did Heinlein's (and I still do...). I started reading Heinlein at the age of six. Orphans of the Sky, it was... I also reread S.M. Stirling, Jerry D. Young, Gary D. Ott, Jerry Pournelle, Larry Niven, and a few "oldies," like Edgar Rice Burroughs, Jules Verne, and Arthur Conan Doyle. You, Carioca, are, indeed, in august company... I wish you and yours well, that you always be in good health, safe, and forever, free...

I've wondered, I confess, if this is to keep your "blade" sharp, perhaps between books you may have already published? You have, undoubtedly, talent beyond the usual poster on such fora as these... We do have a handful of authors/writers here, that I've oft wondered, if they, too, are not published? Regardless, we, the humble readers here, are blessed to have such, for entertained, entranced, and enscorceled are we...

OldArcher, out...
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Thanks for the encouragement, I've been out sick for a while :(

No, nothing published, only some rejections.

next scene up.
 
Siskiyoumom

Siskiyoumom

Veteran Member
Hey now, don't get discouraged!

Rejections are a part of the life of an author!

Pick your recipients well and you will find some wise soul who will see the
gold in your efforts.

I really am enjoying your story and hope that when you fill up to it, you will add to the
treasure chest here.

God bless ya, take your D3, Protandim and get thee healthy.

Sis
 
N

nancy98

Veteran Member
carioca said:
Thanks for the encouragement, I've been out sick for a while :(

No, nothing published, only some rejections.
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I saw an interview with Rawlins about her first Harry Potter book. She had dozens of rejections. You're in good company. ;)

And what Sara said.
 
carioca

carioca

Inactive
Phantom said:
Yea chapter 14 :sh2:

What other tales are you planing for this series ?

Phantom
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Spoiler space










I'm sure most of you realize these stories are connected to each other. If you look carefully you will see characters from one story appearing in another.

Joel from 'Karma' appears in 'Marla' as 'Captain Hansen' and Marla shows up later in 'The Letter'

I've got three with bare bones outlines:

'From the Barrel of a Gun' - A sort of sequel to CC, mostly about the other group on the radio in 'Marla' but continueing after the end of CC and including some of the characters.

'Two Legged Wolves' - What to do with the prisoners in the county jail? What if some of them are on trial for multiple murders but haven't been convicted?

'Deathdealers' - The story of the soldiers in 'The Letter'

Of course I need to finish CC before I start them, don't I?
 
Phantom

Phantom

Contributing Member
Even more Spoiler space











carioca said:
Spoiler space










I'm sure most of you realize these stories are connected to each other. If you look carefully you will see characters from one story appearing in another.

Joel from 'Karma' appears in 'Marla' as 'Captain Hansen' and Marla shows up later in 'The Letter'

I've got three with bare bones outlines:

'From the Barrel of a Gun' - A sort of sequel to CC, mostly about the other group on the radio in 'Marla' but continueing after the end of CC and including some of the characters.

'Two Legged Wolves' - What to do with the prisoners in the county jail? What if some of them are on trial for multiple murders but haven't been convicted?

'Deathdealers' - The story of the soldiers in 'The Letter'

Of course I need to finish CC before I start them, don't I?
Click to expand...

Cool and yes finishing CC would be good.
but then i'm waiting on 29 too

Phantom
 
carioca

carioca

Inactive
Oh look, Cliff has come to visit.

Was there anything confusing? something you had to reread to see what happened? How were the character interactions?
 
carioca

carioca

Inactive
debralee said:
Thanks for the new chapter. Why did the little boy get sick?
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from the first part of the story:

Zoe went over the roll again, just to be sure she had it marked correctly. More than half of her class was absent. It must be that flu, most of yesterday's absences were because of it, many of those were still out sick, but two of the kids were missing again today with no word as to why. "Okay kids, everyone have their lunches?" When she was sure they did, she led them to the auditorium and waited for the other classes. The kids finally came, escorted by the assistant principal and another teacher.
Click to expand...
 
N

nancy98

Veteran Member
Dang it! Why is it so hard to remember to post comments here instead of at the story? Sorry.

Thanks bunches. It's a really good story.
 
carioca

carioca

Inactive
Grrr... I have had Jeremy up on top of that bus with a rifle for months and I'm just stuck.

Anyone interested in a fantasy?
 
B

Bookwyrm

Inactive
I like fantasy and wouldn't mind reading one by you.

Or did you mean that you were going to have Jeremy rescued by a blue fairy riding a pink and purple spotted winged unicorn?
 
L

lross45

Inactive
I was hoping you would be unstuck by now. I'm sure Jeremy gotta be getting cold on top of the bus. Was enjoying the story be nice to see more chapters.

Larry
 
Christian for Israel

Christian for Israel

Knight of Jerusalem
ok, so we want jeopardy for jeremy but we don't want to kill him, right? how about this:

a small percentage of low serial number 1903 springfields (SNs below 800,000) had receivers that were improperly heat treated resulting in explosive failures. the US military recorded 68 incidents where the receiver failed leading to injuries, usually due to over pressure. of the 68, 3 men were blinded and the rest had injuries ranging from serious to minor when their arms and face were sprayed with bits of steel.

when you consider that modern hunting .30-06 ammo uses much heavier bullets and increased pressure than WWI mil spec ammo it isn't hard to imagine jeremy pulling the trigger only to have the receiver let go, causing minor wounds but the shock causing him to roll off the bus, maybe into the arms of a ghoul.

well, it's an idea anyway.
 
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