timbo
Deceased
In 1968 Dad died.
27 I was,the youngest of four boys
And with his death we were orphaned 'cause Mom died a year and a half before him.
A lot of my tears were of self pity then.....orphaned at 27. No more to go to Dad for advice. That was my thoughts then.
But in a quiet time I got honest........My Dad made me angry and ashamed of him.
He was a functional alcoholic,never missed work but every evening he would get stupidly sloshed and stare at nothing standing in the kitchen.
I was angry because he deprived my Mother and us of so much in life because of his drinking.
If not material things,his companionship and what should have been a wise father giving advice to his sons. Instead he would down his beer right after supper and by 7 or 8 oclock couldnt even construct sentences let alone hand out sage wisdom.
The years passed,life got busy and it seemed most of the time I forgot my Dad.
My Mom was on my mind almost daily but not Dad.
Somewhere in life when disillusionment was heavy,I came to a great realization: My Dad was a human being.
Capable of making mistakes and not being this Superman that I thought he was suppose to be.
I had to forgive him and his drunkeness,his weakness.
And I had to say it out loud so not only my mind heard it but also my ears would tell my mind as well.
'I forgive you Dad' How hard that was to say. Tears and even sobbing came with those few words.
'I love you Dad' was even harder because I had never said that to him while he was alive.
I'm a slow learner.....after that time,it took me several more years to understand something that was profound to me.
By forgiving my Dad his weakness,his humanity, I could forgive myself and my weaknesses,my humanity.
I felt the negativity of my lifestyle slide off of me......slowly but off it came.
I could see people clearer and instantly forgive them when we clashed. Anger may have been still there but it couldnt stick to me as it had.
So today,I say again, 'I forgive you Dad' and I love you.'
I dont know if he can hear me,but I know I can hear myself.
Your Son,
Tim
27 I was,the youngest of four boys
And with his death we were orphaned 'cause Mom died a year and a half before him.
A lot of my tears were of self pity then.....orphaned at 27. No more to go to Dad for advice. That was my thoughts then.
But in a quiet time I got honest........My Dad made me angry and ashamed of him.
He was a functional alcoholic,never missed work but every evening he would get stupidly sloshed and stare at nothing standing in the kitchen.
I was angry because he deprived my Mother and us of so much in life because of his drinking.
If not material things,his companionship and what should have been a wise father giving advice to his sons. Instead he would down his beer right after supper and by 7 or 8 oclock couldnt even construct sentences let alone hand out sage wisdom.
The years passed,life got busy and it seemed most of the time I forgot my Dad.
My Mom was on my mind almost daily but not Dad.
Somewhere in life when disillusionment was heavy,I came to a great realization: My Dad was a human being.
Capable of making mistakes and not being this Superman that I thought he was suppose to be.
I had to forgive him and his drunkeness,his weakness.
And I had to say it out loud so not only my mind heard it but also my ears would tell my mind as well.
'I forgive you Dad' How hard that was to say. Tears and even sobbing came with those few words.
'I love you Dad' was even harder because I had never said that to him while he was alive.
I'm a slow learner.....after that time,it took me several more years to understand something that was profound to me.
By forgiving my Dad his weakness,his humanity, I could forgive myself and my weaknesses,my humanity.
I felt the negativity of my lifestyle slide off of me......slowly but off it came.
I could see people clearer and instantly forgive them when we clashed. Anger may have been still there but it couldnt stick to me as it had.
So today,I say again, 'I forgive you Dad' and I love you.'
I dont know if he can hear me,but I know I can hear myself.
Your Son,
Tim
