Due to unsubstantiated rumors regarding the approach of Nibiru, also known as Planet X, an amazing surveillance camera
headset has been developed for people concerned about the imminent arrival of this mysterious sphere and who want to
be alerted of its earliest detected intrusion within close range of Earth. This woman is wearing a standard MINI headset
which is the most affordable technology for the average citizen. In comparison, complex advanced high range telescopic
devices utilized by governments and military establishments are extremely expensive and off-limits to the general public.
The invention of the Monitor Interplanetary Nibiru Intrusion headset finally allows tech savvy citizens the bold opportunity
to monitor and assess for themselves the approach of this controverial astral body. The basic MINI headset model has
seven separate modules with specific functions integrally linked to monitor magnetism, radiation, heat emissions, ionic
imbalances, pulses, gravitational variances and other meteorological and astronomical phenomena generated by Nibiru.
MINI uses complicated algorithms to gather and interpret wave particles constantly zooming through the atmosphere.
The MINI headset is very precise and has preset software to screen out transmissions from commercial broadcasting
networks, mobiles, and other electronic devices. Without this sophisticated filter the user would be overwhelmed with a
chaotic jumble of mixed wave signals. A new upgrade is available to filter out intergalactic transmissions from odd alien
contacts not associated with the Zetas or Vulcans. The MINI headset records and stores imported data pertaining to Nibiru
on its miniature hard drive for easy transference via its USB port cables to computers, mobiles, screens and other scientific
equipment for further analysis. Although the MINI headset costs more than current popular wireless devices, use of it will
provide a sense of comfort to owners in knowing they will have the first verifiable heads-up confirmation on whether or not
Nibiru's trajectory will cause catastrophic consequences on Earth, and thus be able to seek safe refuge with time to spare
before the unwashed masses are belatedly made aware of the imminent destruction of this planet and go totally apeschitt.
Some MINI users residing or traveling near major airports and large military facilities have complained of intense migraines.
MINI customer service representatives recognize this problem of interference but insist there is nothing they can lawfully
do because government and military agents are themselves monitoring Nibiru for their own purposes regarding activation of
survival protocols to transfer the wealthy, famous and powerful elite to fortified subterranean bunkers. Users must also take
precautions during thunderstorms and seek shelter to avoid deadly lightning strikes. Due to the highly sensitive components
in the MINI headset, users should not wear it while traveling near power stations or outdoor rock concerts. As Nibiru comes
closer to Earth, MINI signals will increase in intensity. Formulated MINI medications are available to deal with substantially
stressful vibrations of transmissions, and online support groups exist to deal with ramifications of impending Nibiru doom.
Beware of imitators who manufacture cheap bogus knockoffs made in illegal hazardous Chinese sweatshops! Genuine MINI
headsets are manufactured under the strictest quality control in comfortably air-conditioned Japanese sweatshops. Special
offer: purchase a MINI headset this month and get free lifetime software upgrades or until Nibiru wipes out all existence.
"Hello, boys and girls. Today's new phrase is 'coup d'état', brought
to you by our French comrades. We have staged a coup d'état and
taken control of Sesame Street! The human muppeteers are at our
mercy, locked up in the employee's cafeteria freezer! It wasn't easy
knocking off Big Bird and Snuffleupagus, but after we stuffed Beaker
down a toilet, the rest of the Muppets fell in line like ugly ducklings.
We seized power because we're mad as Miss Piggy on a bad bristle
day, and we're not gonna take it any more! We demand royalties for
our countless hours through the years providing entertainment and
full compensation for enduring sweaty human hands stuck up inside
our keisters! If Sesame Street executives meet our demands, the
chickens will go free, but if they reject our claims, the Swedish chef
will bork-bork those dumb clucks to death! That's the plan anyway.
In the meantime we are taking a short break for an emergency fund-
raising appeal from the Public Broadcasting System. We'll be right
back after their message to let the Swedish chef show you how to
prepare fried frog legs ala Kermit with spicy Snuffleupagus sauce!"
"Eat every last bit in your food dish, Ashley! You don't know how lucky you are! Most poor
starving cats in Asian nations never get served dinner because they're served as dinner!"
Twin sisters Gladys and Abigail Pushkik were born as natural competitors. From early
childhood through adolescence into adulthood they constantly tried to best each other
during play, in school, in sports and other pursuits of life. When they finally reached old
age, they still maintained their competitive spirit by engaging in regular contests of knit-
ting, cooking, singing, board games and other past times. On one windy spring day they
decided to fly kites as a great excuse to stay outdoors in the fresh air away from the nosy
attendants in their nursing home. Gladys and Abigail acted like excited little girls, for they
remembered wonderful fun they had watching kites sailing and swooping high in the sky.
After they launched their big kites, they tied the strong strings to their wheelchair frames
because they did not want to lose them due to sudden wind gusts pulling the string from
their hands. The winds began increasing so powerfully that the kites pulled their wheel-
chairs across the parking lot, over the grassy lawn and down the road. The siblings were
enjoying this mobile experience immensely and decided to hold an impromptu wheelchair
race to see who could glide faster as they guided their flying kites. Their course continued
alongside the road and down a grassy slope where they really picked up speed as the kites
dragged them across a narrow beach and into the lake. Unexpectedly a wind shift caused
both kites to break free from their tethers which left only long strands of string attached to
their wheelchairs. The Pushkik sisters were annoyed at being stranded in the lake without
attendants, but what really stuck in their craw was realizing that if they had known of this
predicament, they could have brought fishing poles and bait to have a fishing contest that
would have been a real nail-biter if not for eradication of the piranha infestation last year.
"We are the Blog. Resistance is futile, juvenile and a waste
of biomechanical energy. We will assimilate you into the Blog.
All your blogs are belong to us. You will be blogged for the
benefit of the Blog. We reserve the right to modify your blog
at any time at any place for any reason. We will blog you until
you are unconscious and then reblog you some more. We will bork
your blog into the wee hours of the night. You will be blogged
continuously until morale improves. We blog dogs, frogs, hogs,
logs, pollywogs and demagogues. Three blogs walked into a bar.
We assimilated them. We think, therefore we blog. Blogs are us.
Blog, blog, blog your blog; life is but a blog. We are the Blog."
And now for something completely different: a word from
a sponsor who keeps this bloated thread of blurbs afloat...
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"Shake it, baby! Bend over and take it all! Oooh yeah! Hot damn! Who's your Daddy?"
"My wife really panicked today and almost went off the deep end when she heard about the
mega earthquake and big tsunami in Japan! She suspects it's the gravitational pull of Nibiru
causing Gojira severe sleep disturbances, and he's taking out his aggression on the nearest
Japanese coastal cities. I told her that is completely ridiculous because Nibiru is still too far
away to affect radioactive monsters. At least that's my current theory. She looked me straight
in both eyes and asked, 'Well then, Mister Tin Horns, what happened to that dang squirrel with
his scary message?' I gasped. Indeed, what has happened to that mysterious bushy tailed tree
rat with the secret info? Did he bug out to a hollow log somewhere in distant misty mountains?
Did he get run over by an unmarked white van driven by a psychopath? Has he been snuffed
out by government agents posing as hillbilly hunters? If that squirrel never posts again, will we
ever know if he was a nutcase or telling the truth? And where is the secret coded nut he was
holding? I'm getting real concerned about all these big dots! If I wasn't wearing my special tin
foil hat, I would turn into a nutcase myself! I'd sure like to bug out with my wife and our cats,
but because we're living in a mobile home, we can't park it inside a concrete bunker, so we're
staying put. Argus got really spooked last night for no reason at all, so my wife gave him half a
Xanax, and he's been mellow all day. Last week we analyzed Argus's silver tinsel turd for clues,
and so far we've ruled out the probability of missiles coming from China or Russia, but there're
strange marks on both ends of his turd, and we suspect they might be cryptic alien symbols!
I sure wish we could contact that squirrel and his secret source for confirmation, but it may be
too late! Meanwhile, we're keeping tabs on other people and pets just to be sure we don't get
bushwhacked by sneaky ninja spies! My wife is also keeping watch on any new developments
deposited by Argus in case he leaves more clues about the terrible unimaginable doom thingie!
I'm sure if Argus could talk people speech, he'd have a mouthful to tell you! Right, Argus?" "Meh."
"Yeah, I had an interesting childhood. I lived a normal life, but let me tell you,
I had some really crazy adventures with the boys. For example, one time down
at the fishing wharf I decided to pull a prank, so I put on a wet suit with a big
dorsal fin attached and swam like I was a shark. I was wearing a gray rubber
shark helmet with jaws clamped on a realistic rubber human arm. When the
boys saw what they thought was a menacing shark, I almost got harpooned!
After that I decided it was not safe playing a predator, so I decided to play as a
victim. On a warm summer night I went to a party dressed as a space traveler
wearing a silver uniform, but this was no ordinary costume because I had my pet
squirrel Snicker stuffed in my bra. Snicker was supposed to be an alien hatchling
from a larval impregnation, and I had him dressed up in a cute little green plastic
costume wearing a tubular head piece with big teeth. My trick was to hold out a
nut cupped in my palm in front of my chest and Snicker would make a quick lunge
to snatch it and freak out any observers. I had cut a discreet vertical slit in the
front of my uniform so Snicker would not have to squeeze through to get the nut.
However, as the party progressed with booze and drugs flowing freely, everybody
was getting drunk and stoned, and the music was blasting away. Common sense
left the party early. Heh. I met a girl wearing an ugly dog mask and decided to pull
my alien prank. Big mistake! Snicker started squirming like crazy! The girl leaned
too close to my chest and suddenly Snicker jumped straight out and scampered
over her shoulder, then jumped on a girl dressed as Queer Elizabeth who was not
amused. Snicker leapt from her shoulder onto the dessert table, knocking food all
over the floor! Girls and boys were shrieking! I was laughing so hard that I bent
over and my costume split in the back! I felt an immediate swoosh of air on my
bare bottom which was simultaneously embarrassing yet exhilarating! Believe it
or not, during the panic little Snicker had raced around the room but scampered
back behind me and jumped into my costume's open bottom slit. The reason he
returned was because I was the only human he knew and felt safe with there, but I
never expected he would sneak in my back door! Snicker started climbing upward
inside my costume towards the safety of my bra, and that's when I started doing
a crazy wiggly dance as I giggled. Did I mention I was totally wasted that night?
Hahaha! Oh the memories! That reminds, Rosie. Have you ever stuffed live animals
inside your clothes? I heard a rumor you had a gerbil named Willy but wasn't sure."
"Madam, I assure you that our imported Japanese beef is not radioactive and the glow on
your cheeks is instead directly due to less than discreet hanky-panky occurring under this
table observed by myself and several other waiters though I can also assure you that this
potentially scandalous incident will be entirely forgotten if you leave a sizable tip for moi."
Gojira is on a rampage throughout Japanese prefectures as he destroys electric power lines
in his wrath at being blamed for extensive destruction and death caused by recent massive
earthquakes and tsunami forces. Japanese authorities have accused Gojira of triggering the
nuclear meltdown at their power plants and have frozen his bank accounts. The press agent
for Gojira stated that the fabled radioactive behemoth is innocent since he was on vacation
deep-sea fishing off the coasts of Malaysia. Movie companies have cancelled Gojira's future
film contracts and those of his associates Mothra, King Ghidorah, Rodan, and other monsters,
who believe Gojira is being counterproductive with his irrational behavior in causing blackouts.
Gojira's press agent accuses the Japanese government of using Gojira as a scapegoat to cover
up their inability to handle the nuclear meltdown, and he warns that Gojira has plans to sue the
Japanese government if they do not release a public apology for falsely implicating him in this
national calamity; furthermore, if irresponsible Japanese officials continue to shift the blame for
their incompetence in handling this crisis, Gojira will not use his powers to help stop the blazing
comet which will soon pulverize the planet. Government lawyers accuse Gojira of scare tactics.
After several frustrating moments of shouting, Domo-kun realized he was not calming
Bitzu the kitten and regretted he had skipped his Speech Therapy classes. Little furry
Bitzu was frightened because she mistakenly believed Domo-kun was a giant mouse
who had mutated due to exposure from radiation leaks released by nuclear meltdown
at Japanese power plants. Domo-kun was not able to persuade her that he was harm-
less or that she would not lose her nine lives although he was uncertain about loss of
half-lives due to deliberate obfuscation of data provided by the Japanese government.
American zombies show that they care about the nuclear meltdown crisis in Japan by
volunteering in a united effort to contain extensive damages from spreading to other
prefectures. The earthquakes had reverberated underground, alerting zombies buried
thousands of miles away in the USA. Awakened to the calamity facing Japan and with
support from morbidly amused expatriates, several groups of well-seasoned zombies
were airlifted to the sites of the Japanese power plants undergoing nuclear meltdown.
The US military has installed cranial implants and neck collars on all modified zombies.
The cranial implants allow high tech surveillance and remote control of zombie behavior
to operate heavy salvage equipment inside the radioactive power plants. If perchance
a chip implant malfunctions, the neck collar will autodetonate, thus removing the head
from the body, which as you all know is the only sure way to stop a zombie dead in his
tracks. The zombies have no need to wear uniforms as they are unaffected by radiation
levels, which also spares Japanese power plant employees from additional health risks.
After the situation is under control, the zombies will be returned to Area 51 for further
testing, experimentation, dissection and highly sensitive arcane activities that cannot
be disclosed publicly but will undoubtedly be available online in secret private forums
inhabited by elite neon moonbats protected by encrypted passwords and cyberimprints.
"Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're losing face. In today's news,
massive relief continues as the Japanese people cope with their recent
tragic earthquakes and devastating tsunami which have caused billions of
yen worth of damage. The infamous arrival of American zombies has caused
both alarm and relief, depending upon your proximity and/or feelings about
necrophilia. The President of the United States of America promises that he
will say something important if you promise to reelect him so he can do some-
thing important later when he feels like it. Uh, whatever... This news update
just came in. Much to the surprise of fans worldwide, the recent jarring earth-
quakes in Japan have jolted Michael Jackson back into the public spotlight.
Although he would prefer to remain in the shadows where it is safer due to
his chronic skin diseases, the horrible natural and man-made disasters now
afflicting the Japanese citizens have prompted him to do what he can even
though he is inconveniently zombified due to previous chemical injections
soon after he died due to previous chemical injections while he was still alive.
Michael Jackson states that although he would love to make several personal
appearances at the nuclear power plants, he dare not do so because his fans
would swarm the sites just to get a glimpse of him and thereby become con-
taminated with radiation poisoning. However, in order to help out poor suffering
Japanese people and to appease his admirers, Michael will sing and dance at a
special full moon concert in the Tokyo Dome. All proceeds and donations will be
given to Japanese victims. Michael will be singing his popular hits such as 'Killer',
'Rad', 'Dangerous', 'Smooth Plutonium', 'You Quake My World', 'I've Got The Glow',
and 'A Boy Named Tsunami'. Although concert tickets are already sold out for his
quasi-live performance, Michael announced that little boys will get free admit-
tance with special passes for a personal backstage performance after the show."
Calvin and Hobbes skillfully maneuver their bodies as they
traverse a sturdy synapse, moving from one frayed neuron
to the next unsuspecting neuron, carefully avoiding entan-
glements in surrounding dendrites by reliance upon natural
instinct combined with enthusiastic intent to sabotage con-
trolling parental domination, subjecting susceptible ganglia
to their ingenious whimsy triggering a headache of massive
migraine proportions. All work and no play is for dull adults.
Intense brainstorming often generates flashes of brilliant insight releas-
ing a sudden burst of creative genius detrimental to intellectuals failing
to take necessary cognitive precautions when thinking outside the box.
Nigel Kreetin of Atlanta is known locally as an eccentric inventor
constantly creating new gadgets and materials in hopes of striking
it rich. This particular experimental test involves Nigel's new super
sponge that he claimed was so soft yet extremely firm and durable
that it could safely cushion him if he dove headfirst onto it, which
is apparently successful in that his plummet from the nearby three
story building into the bucket containing his sponge absorbed the
full impact of his body but yet not entirely foolproof as he had no
inkling his invention of Supergoo holding his toupee onto his scalp
would bond with the sponge. His assistant Waldo Bellbottom stuck
an umbrella above Nigel to keep him dry while he raced off to their
laboratory in search of Nigel's Undoo-Supergoo remover. Nigel is
not easily discouraged and will likely try the test again sans toupee.
The newly patented SpittShield (TM) is guaranteed
to keep sidewalk beggars, the homeless and public
performers such as mimes and clowns free from
contaminating viscous spittle spat and gooey snot
sneezed or flung from angry disgusted pedestrians.
SpittShield employs advanced polymers to free its
users from critical disdain, allowing concentration
on the task at hand whether panhandling, tossing
eggs or scrounging through other people's pockets.
Spittshield is oxypermeable and presents no danger
of suffocation to its wearers. If Spittshield becomes
occluded by excessive human secretions, simply
take it off and discard into the nearest recycling bin.
Spittshield is your protection against drooling fools.
______________________________________________
Doctor Frankenstein admires his prized Happy Face, a priceless
rarity, considering how decapitations are morbidly despondent.
The war of the Vegans and the Veggies had lasted for centuries.
Countless battles and raids by hungry humans upon vulnerable
vegetables had consumed the terrain as defenseless plants were
beaten, sliced, mashed, charred, baked and blended into vitamin
enriched health drinks. But then one eventful day the unbalanced
odds shifted in favor of the Veggies when Sir Broccoli invented his
salad shooter. This weason altered the course of war, causing the
Vegans to change their battle strategies. As casualties increased,
King Chomp of the Vegans demanded that something be done to
stop the Veggies before his kingdom was destroyed by new deadly
potato guns. The Regal Vegan offered a grand reward to any soldier
who would bring him the severed head of Queen Cabbage. Fargus
Weedwacker volunteered. Early the next morning during a heavy
fog he crept into the Garden Sanctuary past the Parsnip Patrol and
cut through the neck of Queen Cabbage while she was preoccupied
curling her outer leaves. Fargus returned victoriously with her head
in a basket just in time to enjoy hors d'oeuvres as a seasoned soup
base was prepared for her appearance later as their main course.
Dressed as a Mississippian-era priest, Mike Stand was confident he
would win first place in the Most Historically Accurate category at
the Atlanta Halloween Fright Festival. His large headdress was pat-
terned after an authentic design, his clothing contained indigenous
fibers, his ceremonial flint mace was molded from a rare museum
artifact, and he was holding a severed head which had been very
time consuming to get. The local costume stores did not have any
realistic models in stock, and online shops were selling the same
Chinese crap. Mike had grown very concerned he would be unable
to find the most important piece to highlight his headhunting priest
ensemble until he had remembered the next day was the prison
release date for Uncle Spike the serial killer. Because his lawyer
had successfully appealed and there was no physical evidence of
dismembered corpses, only verbal accusations from deranged
family members of the missing victims, Spike could take a hike.
Needless to say, Mike met Spike, and his only real worry now was
if his severed head might accidentally drip on the judges' shoes
when they examined it. Mike decided he must keep a firm grip and
not let anybody play with his head. Suddenly he saw another man
dressed in a similar costume holding two heads! Did that person
know Uncle Spike? Was Uncle Spike working on a commission basis?
It was too late to contact his uncle, so Mike decided he would go
into headhunting stealth mode and snatch both of the man's heads.
If he could lure him into a restroom, then he could club him uncon-
scious with his mace which would then have authentic blood stains.
Mike was fully determined to stand still so he would not lose face.
This is just one obvious example of why extensive
laboratory research testing is necessary before
selling new hand lotions and other cosmetic body
ointment products to the public. Severe side effects
and allergic reactions from new products are not
always this pronounced. In this particular case the
company executives decided against remarketing
the hand lotion as a do-it-yourself ventriloquism kit
because the profit margin was negligible compared
to anticipated lawsuits for reconstructive surgeries
from dissatisfied customers who lack natural talent.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste if you waste
it posting terrible things on this thread. But so
what? See if I care. I eye no ayes. If you lose
your mind on this message board, try looking
for hindsight. Someone is probably kicking your
thoughts around. Too many doomers spoil the
apocalypse. Too many pollies toil for follies. If
a skull cracks in a graveyard, do ghosts hear it?
Frank disliked awkward encounters while waiting patiently
to be fitted by a haberdasher, but it was far preferable than
wearing silly frilled paper cupcake bonnets in pastel colors.
Incompetent Continuation of Inconsistent Conceptual Continuity
__________________________________________________
This Cyclops Rook, part of the Greek Odyssey Chess Set, is hand
carved from quality bones unearthed within the dark caverns of
Polyphemus. The detailed design on this Cyclops Rook aestheti-
cally complements the Skeleton Warriors as Pawns, Centaurs as
Knights, Laestrygones as Bishops, Hera as Queen and Zeus as King.
The chessboard is carefully stained and polished to accentuate its
antiquity. Cherish the past while you enjoy challenging games in
the present with this marvelous chess set, a masterpiece of myth.
Nota bene: when ordering multiple sets, please allow extra time to
process your order because we may need to dig up more skeletons.
Thomas Tiddlywink called loudly into the opening of the giant
Global Warming Tin Man sculpture, hoping his daughter Dora
had not climbed down into the hollow structure of this public
monument; but knowing she was intensely curious about all
things, he feared she could be exploring the inner chambers.
Thomas regretted that he had taken his eyes off Dora for just
a moment, but that was all she needed to take off on her own
adventures. He felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach,
sensing his child had descended comparatively lower into the
bowels of Tin Man as he heard the city park maintenance crew
preparing to activate an engine for the statue's seasonal flush.
You are at the bottom of a large aquarium in the San Diego
Zoo. Your diving helmet has a limited supply of oxygen, so
if you are reading this message, it means there is hope you
can free yourself from locked chains binding your arms and
legs to the bottom. Better get moving, sleepy head, because
the moment your air tank is depleted a school of piranha will
be released into the aquarium, so you better hope you reach
the water's surface before they reach your skin's surface. We
hope you survive this hazing so you can join our fun fraternity.
Brothers who survive our test can pull this prank upon the rest.
Pierre Fondue was a highly skilled chef able to prepare any recipe using the finest
ingredients available. His culinary expertise was praised throughout Atlanta, and
his Gourmet Foods shop had a constant flow of hungry customers with well-tem-
pered palates, true epicureans of delicious innovative foods, yet Pierre was per-
plexed as to why nobody wanted to buy or even try his hog head masterpiece on
which he had spent much time and careful preparation down to the tiniest surface
details for the most pleasing appearance. Even after substantially discounting its
price, the hog head remained untouched. Pierre finally realized that although his
customers appreciated with gustatory relish his tasty displays of fruits and vege-
tables, there were limitations on what was acceptable to connoisseurs of marzipan.
Detectives had scant evidence at the scene of the gruesome crime:
a severed head at the bottom of a beaker filled with vodka and two
ticket stubs to Tahiti, but they formulated a plausible theory that the
reason they could not find the rest of Mark's body was because Ken
and Barbie had hacked it into smaller pieces and packed his tiny parts
into several suitcases which they would conveniently misplace in the
bustle of the crowded airport terminal. The detectives thought it wise
to call airport security and check the Lost & Found for odd luggage as
they did not wish to deal with another fiasco like last year when they
found a trunk filled with headless Baby Jessica dolls in a public library.
If you can account for inverse hyperspace transdimensional time
travel based upon the collective unconsciousness of the crawling
green grubnosed geets of Torvillious Sillious, this unexpected and
incongruous appearance might actually be relevant in an odd sort
of way, but do not ask them because they are just as clueless as
the Headless Mannequin of Montreal, a dummy which terrorized
barber shops in search of the perfect shave, which was of course
impossible, or maybe not, if you can hyperlink this message to a
parallel universe where an equal degree of stupidity is ubiquitous.
Whiny Smurf was always complaining about everything so the other
Smurfs were not surprised when Whiny Smurf complained about his
new mummy costume for the Smurf Halloween Party in Mushroom
Meadow. He said it was way too tight and he felt itchy all over. Papa
Smurf was tempted to wrap up his mouth, but Smurfette threatened
to report him to the Cartoon Network for violations unbecoming a
father figure as defined in the original Belgian Smurf Codex. After
consideration of this threat, Papa Smurf decided it was best to keep
Whiny Smurf complaining because if his voice was silenced, hearing-
impaired children watching the episode would become traumatized
and their parents would complain to the network, so Whiny Smurf
was allowed to whine, whine, whine which was a waste of bandwidth.
Unbeknownst to Papa Smurf, Smurfette and the other Smurfs who
behaved, Brainy Smurf was setting up his elaborate Halloween prank
where he planned to sneak behind Whiny Smurf, spray him all over
with catnip oil, roll him through Mushroom Meadow, then push him
down Hernia Hill into the greedy claws and maw of Azrael, thereby
guaranteeing the end of Whiny's whining forever, or at least until
Gargamel was forced to revive him with a magic potion under threat
of expensive litigation from upset children, silly adults reliving their
second childhoods and cantankerous toy manufacturing sponsors.
Medusa with her head of snakes was oft beset by scaly flakes;
shampoo and soap she could not use to clean her hair of crusty ooze;
for showers she could find no cap, and awkward were attempts to nap;
Medusa dreaded each new day because her bangs would lunge for prey.
She slithered to her local zoo to seek if nature showed a clue;
but when she passed a monkey cage, her locks recoiled, hissed in rage;
she fled into a reptile house, and there her hair ensnared a mouse;
Medusa deeply wept with sorrow for her hair would molt tomorrow.
Amidst all the confusion and panic over the nuclear meltdown at Japanese power plants,
investigators have encountered a totally unexpected and completely weird phenomenon
which appears to be a bizarre mutation of sea monkeys, the playful brine shrimp marketed
as popular educational aquatic life. Japanese scientists theorize that during the emergency
evacuation from the facility, an unidentified Japanese worker left his little plastic aquarium
of miniature sea monkeys unattended in his engineering laboratory. After the earthquakes
and subsequent explosions, leaking radiation mysteriously transmogrified the brine shrimp
into greenish anthropomorphic arthropods which have lost crustacean characteristics but
have gained powerful nuclear vision that can burn through all substances including dense
metals. Although not much is known yet about these creatures, scientists believe the alien
sea monkey mutants are surviving inside the contaminated chambers as bottom feeders,
which puts them below zombies on the food chain but much higher than corporate lawyers.
Darth Ravin, known as the Internet Tough Guy, swings his mighty sword
at an independent thinker who has exposed his arrogant errors and dared
to question his unquestionable authority. As moderator, Darth Ravin gets
tingling feelings running down his legs every time he banishes those who
must be banished because he is a compulsive control freak relishing the
sensation of blood gushing from visceral wounds as he zealously slashes
the flesh of his opponents. That exciting warm trickle he enjoys is actually
urine in his pants, but do not tell him. During periods of slower board traffic
Darth Ravin keeps busy by poking fat moonbats clinging to lower hanging
branches while carefully stepping over grotesque mounds of moldy guano.
"Hello out there in cyberspace. I'm Kermit the frog. It's not easy being green,
especially on Saint Patrick's Day when so many Irish get stinking drunk and
become feisty buggers itching for a brawl! Their drinking starts early in the
morning and continues throughout the day and long into the evening. From
personal experience I can tell you it's hazardous to your health to be in the
path of a soused Irishman! The only way to avoid certain hurt is to offer the
Irishman a free mug of beer. That should give you time to give him the slip.
Another personal Saint Paddy's peeve I have deals with drunken loons who
pinch me for good luck because I'm green. Hey, I'm a fragile amphibian with
extremely sensitive skin easily damaged by thumbs and fingers twisting my
tender external tissue! Besides that, I'm not even Irish although I do have
distant relatives in Emerald Isle bogs, but try telling that to a sotted bloke
out to gain a pinch of good luck to help him shag a hag. My health care plan
does not cover skin injuries related to superstitious Irish traditions so please
keep your grubby fingers to yourself! My dermatologist bills are so high it's
almost enough to make me croak! Did you hear about the three dry Irishmen
who walked into a bar? They never left. Another problem with Saint Patrick's
Day is the lascivious lot of leprechauns. They are such a pain in the derriere!
As President of the Muppet Union, I have disbarred all leprechaun Muppets.
Last year I made the mistake of allowing them to join our membership, and
they abused their privileges including the chickens who were scared out of
their wits! When I reprimanded the mischievous midgets for violations of the
Muppet charter, they accused me of running a tadpole escort service! They
also tricked gullible Muppets to invest in shoddy shamrock scams! I finally
got rid of them by spinning a yarn about a special golden ring of great power.
I gave them a map of the Hobbit Shire and told them to ask for Gollum when
they arrived. I haven't heard from them since. I'm glad Saint Patrick's Day is
observed only once a year. I couldn't tolerate a week of Irish shenanigans!
The only thing worse than being a frog in Ireland would be if I were stuck in
France with Irish expatriates who wanted to serve me for dinner at their pub!"
"Greetings, muggles! Have ye seen any new green shoots? Is the economy surgin' full ahead? Hah!
I thought so. Last year the government and media told ye folks some tall tales about green shoots,
gazillions of green shoots of boundless prosperity. Well, ye knew they were tellin' ye a crock, didn't
ye? Take heart, lads and lassies, for this year I'm promisin' there will be thousands of green shoots,
but they won't be four-leaf clovers! Have ye guessed what I'm plantin'? Take a deep breath and hold
it in. Now exhale! Hee hee hee! That's right! I'm gonna be King Leprechaun of the Pot Fields! A pot of
gold is too expensive for most, but golden pot is affordable for yuppies with extra cash who love to
party! I'm growin' me green shoots to help Americans forget about the daily doom of earthquakes,
unemployment, political lies and rising costs of food and fuel. Smoke one of me lucky buds and ye'll
drift away in a delightful fog of fond memories and exciting wonders of imagination. I'm growin' me
crop of green shoots hydroponically inside hollow tree bungalows where it'll never be found by nosy
neighbors! If anybody dares to steal me pot, they'll never make it out alive 'cos I've booby-trapped
me sites! I'm plantin' short season dwarf varieties so I can get the choicest blarney buds to market
quicker! Plus, being naturally short meself, I won't have to reach very high for prunin' and harvestin'!
I'm gonna name this year's crop 'Shamrock Gold'. I'm also growin' wee magic mushrooms. One tiny
nibble and ye turn into a babblin' moonbat! Some of ye are already at that stage and don't need to
eat mushrooms! Hah hah! I have so many preorders with cash advances that I'm buyin' silver and
gold coins, the real deal, not worthless paper stock that'll end up bein' useful only for butt wipes or
rollin' doobies of me fine Shamrock Gold, unless of course ye choose to smoke yer stash in a pipe
like I do meself. Aye, it's off I be goin' to water me plants, then waterin' meself at me favorite pub!"
Elektrokat recharges his power by absorbing lightning from a fierce thunderstorm as he prepares
to throw a massive hissy fit by destroying another suburb, a daily occurrence ever since two little
boys pulled a prank which backfired horribly. The trouble started last month when two brothers
tried to electrocute their sister's kitten Sparky, so named because he was a natural repository for
static electricity. The brothers grabbed little Sparky and stuck his tail into an electrical wall outlet.
Sparky got the shock of his life as did the two boys because they were still holding on and unable
to let go before the current surged through their bodies. Although Sparky barely survived, eight of
his nine lives were short-circuited during the electrical discharge. Sparky raced out of the room,
down the hall and out through the swinging pet door, disappearing from sight. Later, the brothers
claimed ignorance as to the whereabouts of Sparky and why their hair was streaked with gray.
That evening a thunderstorm came bellowing into the region and spooked poor Sparky so much
he climbed up a tree, which was not a wise thing to do under the circumstances, but his nerves
were frazzled and he was too scared to return to the house of dangerous wall outlets. Suddenly
a bolt of lightning struck the tree and shocked the hair balls out of Sparky, but instead of expiring,
he was energized with the power of electricity flowing through his paw tips! Sparky's personality
underwent a drastic change, and he transformed into Elektrokat, a ferocious feline bent to seek
revenge by zapping random residents, motorists, silly mimes and barking dogs who became fried
in a flash. What future terrors will Elektrokat unleash upon suburbia? Where can people and pets
safely hide from his furry wrath? Only Underdog can save the world from evil Elektrokat, but unfor-
tunately the famous canine wonder of puppy power is preoccupied in Asia on an extensive book-
signing tour promoting his next feature film and is contractually obligated to complete the deal.
Rainbow Valley Day Care offers the best services available to take good care
of your children while you are busy at work, play or even on extended periods
of vacation in exotic holiday resorts where you don't want to be bothered. The
employees of Rainbow Valley love to play with little children, and we guarantee
there will never be a dull moment here while you are having the time of your life
doing your own things elsewhere! Our center has a large modern kitchen, play-
room, media center, beds and sleeping mats, bathrooms with special mirrors,
kiddie pool and state-of-the-art high-tech cinematic film production laboratory
facility to capture those precious moments in every child's life. We have a well-
stocked pharmacy able to dispense whatever medications and strong painkillers
your child might require based upon your doctor's regular prescriptions or our
own capricious diagnoses. Should your child experience inexplicable relapses
and curl into a fetal postion, do not worry. We are completely knowledgeable
about psychotropic drugs and can handle every terrible-two, drama queen,
psychotic or catatonic situation. As a matter of full disclosure, our employees
are constantly medicated, and there have not been as many adversely bizarre
reactions as there used to be. Rainbow Valley Day Care is conveniently located
near the junction of the major interstate highways and is adjacent to the Lullaby
Asylum. We offer daily field trips to Lullaby Asylum where the children can visit
and play with some of the sedated chained inmates. In fact, most of our staff
employees are former patients who have almost completely recovered, and we
have new interns who are just learning the ropes with no accidental hangings
yet. Outside of our building center we have a huge playground which features a
twisting maze of hedges, an alligator pond, barbed wire sculptures to climb on,
big sewer drainage pipes to crawl through and a petting zoo filled with whatever
wanders into our traps. Rainbow Valley Day Care wants you to relax and be free
of worry while we watch your children scurry with our furry friends. Our rates are
reasonable, and our moods are seasonable. Take a free tour and meet our staff!
"As Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, I am issuing an important alert to all Americans!
Be on the lookout for this suspected terrorist! As you better know by now, my initiation of Operation Big
Sis within Wal*Mart stores has provided us with many leads of suspicious characters, but nothing has
been substantially confirmed despite millions of dollars squandered in surveillance until now. Yes, we
finally have alarming evidence of Weapons of Mass Derision pointing to this uncouth youth, a dude with
a missing front tooth and goofy grin. We have spotted this ugly suspect in different stores investigating
different merchandise in different aisles of different departments at different hours. You may think this
person is just shopping for stuff, but nooo, we are much too smart to be fooled by obvious explanations!
Wal*Martian stocking clerks, stocking salesmen, migrant clowns, creepy voyeurs, Big Sisters and even
big sissies have observed this suspect habitually picking his nose and sticking big boogers into his ears.
We believe this is somehow important, and we have top analysts and psychologists scrutinizing video
security tapes to discern what this means in relation to our national security and current problems in
Libya, Japan and a remote village in eastern Bosnia. This person is maddeningly difficult to catch, for
each time our agents approach his location, he blurts out, 'What, me worry?' and skips off out of sight.
We don't have a clue where he goes, and his repeated catch-me-if-you-can catchphrase has us very
worried! We must stop this dangerous terrorist at all costs, even if it requires you to give up your place
at the checkout lane to notify a Big Sister or store manager who is outside having a smoke break! Please
remember that is it your patriotic duty to snitch on citizens if they exhibit irrational or bizarre behaviors!
There is nothing to be ashamed about if you rat on American rat bastards! Bless you, my simple darlings."
The Department of Gnomeland Security installed surveillance cameras and
initiated garden checkpoints after Wee Winky disappeared during the night.
An empty Skittles packet found nearby indicates juveniles may be involved,
but the gnomes suspect the gardener had a grudge against Winky because
he required extra maintenance due to his tiny garden sprinkling appendage.
Sam sometimes regretted having embalmed his dead son Jack inside
the shell of a porcelain clown, but it was the only way he could fulfill
his son's wish of helping to assist him as a professional ventriloquist.
Sam always felt creepy whenever he stuck his hand into Jack's back,
yet his temporary discomfort was usually forgotten during the show
when his audience laughed and applauded, unless Jack's mouth got
stuck, in which case Sam had to put his other hand into Jack's mouth,
and that's when his worst fears manifested into unspeakable horrors.
Jay Spencer was detained by security agents after he was
spotted holding several oxydihydride bombs, each capable
of causing serious damage when modified by the alarmingly
simple procedure of placing them inside a household freezer.
City officials expressed relief that the troublesome juvenile
terrorist was stopped before he could release these bombs.
However, security agents discovered that the oxydihydride
bombs were leaking so the neighborhood was evacuated as
a precaution in case the weapons unexpectedly exploded.
The Belly Whoppers, a synchronized swim team from Atlanta, strut
their ample stuff before their big show scheduled tonight at Water
World located across from Danny's DeathBurgers, Fuzzy's Cheezy
Poof Patties, Porky's Pizzas and Engelbert's Exquisite Ice Cream
Emporium & Yogurt Bar. The plump quartet of bathing beauties is
known regionally for their fantastic display of awesome splashing,
sometimes covering half the spectators when they perform their
Quadruple Abdominal Foo-Foo Flop. As a public service notice all
children must be kept away from the swimming pool lest they get
pulled in by undertows during the show. The synchronized routines
of the Belly Whoppers are a wonder to behold, resembling graceful
hippopotami weaving water magic in their natural element. A wet
T-shirt contest will be held simultaneously at poolside, so be sure
to bring your friends and enjoy some wet and wild entertainment!
"According to what the stewardess said we just flew over the
state of Confusion and are now entering the state of Delirium.
It won't be too long until we cross the border of Insanity into
the realm of Pandemonium. It's times like these I'm relieved
the TSA scanned my body because if we crash, I can be easily
identified, but I really regret I never got an opportunity before
takeoff to have a sexy TSA babe fondle my manly extension."
The City of Detroit canceled its Robocop Urban Security Unit after gangsters systematically
stripped robocops of valuable components for resale on the black market or to create their
own gangbots to raid liquor stores, sell drugs, mug citizens and fight battles to protect turf.
2026: This high quality image transmitted by the US Sporexplorbot shows the unbelievably massive alien fungus growing on the planet Shroom,
named by President Chong because initial images from the newly discovered planet reminded him of psychedelic mushrooms he used to ingest
before he became serious about life and decided to rule earth with an iron bong. Scientists have analyzed available data sent by Sporexplorbot
and believe this might be the largest fungal growth in the Milky Way Galaxy. Media reports indicate China has negotiated with President Chong
to buy the edible monstrosity for one trillion dollars plus the State of California. The United States of Whatever will provide chained slave workers,
machines, tools and transport vessels to harvest the fungus, believed to be of the consistency of dense cotton candy. The Chinese will prepare
harvested portions for use as an emergency food staple to replace their rice crops, destroyed after a rogue mutagen wiped out rice plants in Asia.
Many Chinese chefs are engaged in intensive training to develop 1001 uses for this fungus. Based upon botanical analysis of its organic structure,
selected parts will be used for foods, beverages, medicines, organ transplants, toys, pillow stuffing and aphrodisiacs. The Chinese waste nothing.
Bert Toadst of Atlanta is busy these days compared to the lean
months preceding his facial modifications. Formerly a strikingly
handsome man, he was constantly turned down at interviews
because he was overqualified. Bert slipped into depression and
homelessness. But one day while sitting on the sidewalk, sick
and panhandling for pennies, he saw an ornately tattooed man
walk down the street and was inspired to change his lifestyle.
Bert scrounged for aluminum cans and returnable glass bottles
to save up enough money for his tattoos and piercings. Posses-
sing a highly creative mind, Bert imagined the possibilities with
his newly altered countenance. His hunch hit the mainstream,
and now he is booked solid for Halloween appearances, but that
is just seasonal work. Bert had to hire a secretary to handle his
appointments for many requests to work as a main character in
horror films, substitute for members who cannot attend satanic
rituals, bill collector, party crasher, rock show bouncer, gay night
club bouncer, circus freak show bouncer and personal assistant
to local law enforcement officers where he scares the hell out of
suspects held in dark interrogation chambers. In reflection of his
significant facial alterations Bert said, "Beauty is in the eye of
the beholder, but beastliness is schittloads of cash in the bank."
In an unexpected triumph of simian ingenuity due to curiosity and
boredom Looma had poured some fermented coconut juice into his
tribe's banana juice reserve, thereby creating the first mixed drink.
Looma would later be blamed for causing the first simian hangover.
Chivon Gras of Paris was arrested yesterday for smuggling tribbles
under her armpits. Customs authorities believe Chivon had been
hired by Islamic Klingons to transport illegal tribbles into the United
States where they would be bred and trained to squibble in illegal
tribble fights with the toughest survivors being used for hair-raising
terrorist attacks. Chivon claims that she had no idea these tribbles
were under her armpits because she has not bathed since last year.
"My critics have called me many derogatory names including
Governor Moonbeam. Their juvenile insults reveal their inability
to comprehend my visionary concepts. Too many Californians
are living in a fantasy land of endless good times giving no heed
to dire consequences from wasteful habits of careless lifestyles
that pollute our crucial fragile ecosystems and devolve human
DNA faster than a TSA scanner on Max Nude setting. There are
many big problems facing our state, but I have many solutions.
Here is one of them. When the money runs out and there are no
more dollars to pay our debts, I plan to revitalize the Californian
economy with introduction of a new currency based upon bubble-
gum and candy wrappers. Each wrapper will be coded in metric
with brilliantly designed color schemes and braille marks for the
blind. Earlier this month I consulted with experts at Willy Wonka
Confectionary Enterprises, the think tank of Wonka's Chocolate
Factory, and I have signed a contract allowing Oompa Loompas
to print the special gum and candy wrappers. Introduction of this
new Candifornia currency will occur in 2012. I want California to
be prepared economically to survive the unstoppable catastrophic
approach of Planet X. Based upon empirical evidence supplied by
state advisors and also encrypted transmissions from the Xardas
Galaxy, Planet X will cross over the Pacific Ocean before it passes
above California. The immense gravitational reverberations will
awaken Cthulhu from his deepsea tomb, and he will rise from the
depths to wreak destruction on our coastal cities, most likely first
attacking San Diego because after his extended hiberation he will
be hungry for the flesh of exotic zoo species. Meanwhile, I highly
recommend keeping your pets indoors just in case we get hit with
The Big One, and the seismic shifts awaken Cthulhu prematurely."
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