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MAKE ME LAUGH!
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Thread: MAKE ME LAUGH!

  1. #161
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Posts
    12,109
    MARIJUANA AND MARRIAGE

    For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws.
    They legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

    The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.

    Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned".

    Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

  2. #162
    ULTIMATE TRACTOR FAILS 2015 ★ EPIC 8mins

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_hzhCe4rWs

    Amazing idiots on Tractors! Crashes!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8grwiFYkoc





    Never argue with an idiot

    My mom taught me to never argue with an idiot (liberal).

    "They will drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience"

  3. #163
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Posts
    12,109
    A devout Arab Muslim entered a taxi in Glasgow.

    He asked the driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

    The taxi driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the car and opened the door.

    The Arab Muslim asked him, “What are you doing?”

    The driver answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel..”

    Great!

  4. #164
    Old Farmer's Advice

    Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

    “Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

    “Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

    “A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

    “Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

    “Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

    “Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

    “Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

    “It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

    “You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

    “Every path has a few puddles.”

    “When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

    “The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

    “Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

    “Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

    “Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

    “Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

    “Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.”

    “Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

    “If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

    “Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

    “The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

    “Always drink upstream from the herd.”

    “Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

    “Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

    “If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

    “Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you

  5. #165
    As seen in Readers Digest

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

  6. #166
    History of the condom

    In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom by using a goats lower intestine.


    In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

  7. #167
    Minnesota Vikings

    Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
    A. The MINNESOTA VIKINGS

    Q. What do the VIKINGS and Billy Graham have in common?
    A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

    Q. How do you keep a MINNESOTA VIKING out of your yard?
    A. Put up a goal post.

    Q. What do you call a MINNESOTA VIKING with a Super Bowl ring?
    A. An Imposter.

    Q. What's the difference between the MINNESOTA VIKINGS and a dollar bill?
    A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

    Q. How many MINNESOTA VIKINGS does it take to win a Super Bowl?
    A. Nobody Knows

    Q. What do the VIKINGS and a possum have in common?
    A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road

  8. #168
    MY BUILDING PERMIT

    Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turretsat various heights, windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parkingfor 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

    The City Council told me; "Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"

    So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."

    Work starts on Monday and here is the best part: It's going to be tax exempt!

  9. #169
    One Sunday a cowboy went to church.

    When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

    The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

    The cowboy said, "Im not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, Id feed him."

    So the minister began his sermon.

    One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.

    The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

    The cowboy answered slowly,
    "Well, Im not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up,

    I sure wouldnt feed him all the hay..."

  10. #170
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Where fog and sun meet.
    Posts
    3,924

    Math Through the Decades

    Teaching Math in 1950:

    A logger sells a truckload of trees for $100.

    His cost of production is 4/5 fo the price.

    What is his profit?

    Teaching Math in 1960: (New math introduced).

    A logger sells a truckload of trees for $100.

    His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.

    What is his profit?

    Teaching Math in 1970:

    A logger exchanges a set of "T" of timber for a set of "M" of money.

    The cardinality of set "M" is 100.

    Each element is worth one dollar.

    Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set of "M".

    The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M".

    Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question.

    What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

    Teaching Math in 1980:

    A logger sells a truckload of logs for $100.

    His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

    Your assignment is to underlined the number 20.

    Teaching Math in 1990:

    By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.

    What do you think of this way of making a living?

    Topic for class participation after answering the question:

    How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?

    There is no wrong answer.

    Teaching Math in 2000:

    A logger sells a truckload of logs for $100.

    His cost of production is $120.

    How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?

    Teaching Math in 2010:

    El hacero vende un camion cargo por $100.

    La cuesta de production es....

  11. #171
    Paying Attention to Details...

    First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
    The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

    "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
    The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

    When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

  12. #172
    Memories From Home.....

    A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

    "Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "Fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

    "In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

    "That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "In my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

    "Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

    "Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

    Take care.

  13. #173
    Old Farmer's Advice
    Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

    “Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

    “Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

    “A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

    “Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

    “Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

    “Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

    “Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

    “It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

    “You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

    “Every path has a few puddles.”

    “When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

    “The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

    “Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

    “Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

    “Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

    “Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

    “Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.”

    “Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

    “If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

    “Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

    “The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

    “Always drink upstream from the herd.”

    “Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

    “Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

    “If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

    “Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”

  14. #174
    Death is the number 1 killer in the world

    Life is sexually transmitted

    Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can live

    Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother for weeks, months, maybe years

    Health nuts are going to feel stupid one day lying in the hospital dying of nothing

    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism

    In the 60's people took acid to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal

    Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long

  15. #175
    Old Man

    Chookie is 77years old and loves to fish.
    He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
    He looked around and couldn't see any one.
    He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
    He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
    The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
    The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.
    Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
    I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your woman!'
    The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
    Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
    I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
    He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

  16. #176
    Funeral In Kentucky

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
    Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.
    He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
    cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions.
    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
    There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch..

    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
    I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

    I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
    I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends..
    I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
    And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
    They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
    When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
    Though my head hung low my heart was full.

    As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

  17. #177
    2 + 2 + 2 = ?

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

    Johnny: Seven, Sir.

    Teacher: No, listen carefully...If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

    Johnny: Seven, Sir.

    Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

    Johnny: Six.

    Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

    Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

    A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

    A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a friggen' cat!!!

  18. #178
    Thief


    An Indian and a Chinese entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the Chinese stole three chocolate bars. As they left the store, the Chinese said to the Indian "Man I'm the best thief, I stole three chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that!"

    The Indian replied "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing".

    So they went to the counter and the Indian said to the shopkeeper "Do you want to see magic?" The shopkeeper replied "Yes". The Indian said "Give me one chocolate bar". The shopkeeper gave him one and he ate it. The Indian asked for a second bar and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

    The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"

    The Indian replied "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate"

  19. #179
    Union Rules

    A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

    "No”, she replied, "I'm sorry it isn’t."

    "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

    "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,” she answered.

    Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

    The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

    "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

    "That's more like it!" the union man said.

    He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her," he said.

    "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she’s next.'"

  20. #180
    The Seven Degrees of Cajun !!


    FIRST DEGREE
    Boudreaux and his wife were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Boudreaux picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The wife said, "Who was that?" Boudreaux answered, "I don't know, some man wanting to know if the coast is clear."

    SECOND DEGREE
    Two Cajuns are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. He opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second Cajun says, "Here, let me see!" So the first Cajun hands him the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

    THIRD DEGREE
    Boudreaux suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes out and buys a gun. He goes to his house unexpectedly and when he opens the door he finds her in the arms of a redhead. Well, Boudreaux is really angry. He pulls out the gun, and as he does so, he is overcome with grief. He takes the gun and puts it to his head. His wife yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" Boudreaux replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

    FOURTH DEGREE
    Boudreaux was bragging about his knowledge of state capitals. He proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" Boudreaux replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

    FIFTH DEGREE
    What did the Cajun girl ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

    SIXTH DEGREE
    Boudreaux, a Cajun in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman, sat in his US government class. The professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

    SEVENTH DEGREE
    Returning home from work, Boudreaux was shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Boudreaux ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting his face in his hands, Boudreaux moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

  21. #181
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Fort Flint,MI
    Posts
    23,166
    All good, but I'm partial to the blind cop!

  22. #182
    ALABAMA MOM TO ALABAMA SON

    Dear Son,

    I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We
    don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper
    where most accidents happened within twenty miles of home, so we
    moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last Alabama
    family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next
    house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four
    shirts in it, pulled the chain and hadn't seen 'em since. It only
    rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the
    second time.

    The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said would
    be a little heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so
    we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    We got a bill from the funeral home. Said if we didn't make
    the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

    About your father -- he has a lovely new job. He has over 500
    men under him. He's cutting grass at the local cemetary.

    About your sister -- she had a baby this morning. I haven't
    found out whether it is a boy or girl, so I don't know if you are
    an aunt or an uncle.

    Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to
    pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We
    cremated him and he burned for four days.

    Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck.
    One was driving, the other two boys was in the back. The driver
    got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other
    two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

    Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
    Write more often.

    Love,
    Mom

    P. S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was
    already sealed.

  23. #183
    A Police STOP at 2 AM


    An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

    The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

    The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

    The man replies, "That would be my wife."

  24. #184
    How To Simulate Being A Sailor

    1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

    2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

    3. Repaint your entire house every month.

    4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

    5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

    6. Once a week, blow compressed air (or use a leaf blower) up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

    7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.

    8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

    9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

    10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

    11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

    12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

    13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

    14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

    15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

    16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.

    17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. Have someone repeat loudly, "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all ****cans and butt kits over the fantail!"

    18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

    19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. Repeat the same movie several nights in a row.

    20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations, shouting, "Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations!"

    21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

    22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When you finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

    23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

    24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Call this "Midrats".)

    25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

    26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how quickly they respond.

    27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

    28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at
    2200, saying, "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house (for the benefit of aircraft carrier sailors).

    29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill! This is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"

    30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

    31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseated. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket. ALT: Find the biggest horse you can, put a 2-inch mattress on his back, and strap yourself to it. Turn him loose in a barn filled with snakes for six hours and try to sleep. Then get up and go to work.

    32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room and run it all day long.

    33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot; let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

    34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

    35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

    36. Add 1/3 cup diesel fuel to the laundry.

    37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

    38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

    39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

    40. Hire someone to hammer on a 55-gal drum at random hours to simulate paint chipping.

    41, Hire the neighborhood bully (or a former Marine) to make the family line up in the hall before meals. He will order you against the bulkhead in line and let you in the dining room two at a time at his discretion and demand that that you keep the line tight and your mouth shut and make your buddy smile or he will personally bump you out of ''his chow line''.

    42. Make everyone wait in line for everything. For food, for the bath room, for a shower, to leave the house, to come back in the house, to go to the movie, to leave the movie, to get a hair cut, to go to the store, and to get permission to leave the house and be prepared to be denied permission for anything without reason. Welcome to the Navy.

  25. #185
    The Gorilla and the Redneck

    A small zoo in Alabama obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

    Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
    Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was
    In heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available

    Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton,
    A redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby
    Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to
    Satisfy a female of any species.

    The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
    Approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
    gorilla for
    $500.00?

    Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
    over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept
    their offer,
    but only under five conditions:

    "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper
    Agreed to this condition.

    "Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The
    Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

    "Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper
    Again readily agreed to this condition.

    "Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern
    Baptist. Once again it was agreed.

    .

    "And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the
    $500.00.

  26. #186
    Good bye Grandpa

    A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
    listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy,
    God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

    The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

    The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing
    to do."

    The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
    coincidence.

    A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
    prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy
    and good-bye Grandma."

    The next day the grandmother died.

    "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other
    side." *Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad
    heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

    He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up
    at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all
    day, had lunch and watched the clock.

    He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. *He
    felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
    he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at
    every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and
    went home.

    When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late.
    What's the matter?" *He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just
    spent the worst day of my life."

    She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
    happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the
    middle of my lesson!"

  27. #187
    Bedroom talk

    A Greek man, relaxing at his favorite cafe in Krateron (a small Greek village in northern Greece), managed to attract a spectacular blonde woman. He invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk they made love. After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"

    She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."

    Pleasantly surprised, the Greek man reached for her and had his way with her again. This time she's wild, thrashing about on the bed and climaxing with screams of passion. Again, the Greek man smiles, and asks, "You finish?"

    And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and says "No."

    Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for his date. It takes all of his strength and he barely manages to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. It's dawn by then, and, entirely spent, the exhausted Greek man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish!?"

    "Dammit, no!" she shouts back. "For the last time, I am Swedish!"

  28. #188
    Just moved to Texas

    Just moved to Texas, But this could apply to Arkansas too.lol...

    Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

    June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

    July 1st: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

    July 8th: Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

    July 11th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and Bits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

    July 12th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the Fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

    July 15th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

    July 18th: Its 108 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

    July 20th: If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

    July 22nd: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and butt . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried flesh, and baked cat.

    July 24th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do crap for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing now, so my $1700 worth of cactus are drying up and blowing over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

    July 25th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

    Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

  29. #189
    Why Ethel Changed Hotels

    Last week, Ethel checked into a hotel on her 70th birthday and she was
    a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see
    advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She
    looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
    himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical
    skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the
    right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six
    pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off
    his well oiled bum....

    She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

    "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

    Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
    "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel
    room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in
    town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I
    want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips,
    everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy
    all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
    anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"

    He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9
    for an outside line."

  30. #190
    25 Reasons to Ban Guns

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Lnd...eature=related

    Uploaded on Nov 10, 2009
    So, captions now are available to avoid some sort of penalty under the Communications and Video Accessibility Act for failing to provide captions for certain content.

  31. #191
    Having an amble supply of firewood is essential for heating your home during the winter....

    http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=c47_1332079865

    Cutting down a tree goes Wrong!

    http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=744_1326605315

  32. #192
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Central Iowa
    Posts
    44,588
    Do you know why a prostitute makes more money then a drug dealer? The prostitute can wash her crack and resell it!

  33. #193
    Poor Horney husband

    The Poor Horny Husband!

    Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now.

    Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.

    Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty-dollar bill, and gives it to him. She says, "Awww, honey you're so depressed... Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight.. But remember that this happens only once. Ok? Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."

    The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

    A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars."

    The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: "Damn that beotch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here I only charged him fifty!"

  34. #194
    How to start a fight

    HOW TO START A FIGHT
    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.....

    ______________________________

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered. I then said,
    'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started...

    ________________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started.....

    ________________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
    kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
    split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
    that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
    care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
    important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
    snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
    a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and
    when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
    cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    ________________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust."
    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
    slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
    proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
    pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
    weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
    undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
    different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
    is out fishing in that?"
    And that's how the fight started...

    ________________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And then the fight started......

    ________________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
    processed my Social Security application..
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And then the fight started.......

  35. #195
    5 Minute Management Course

    Lesson 1 :

    A priest offered a Nun a lift...

    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

    The priest nearly had an accident.

    After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

    The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest apologized 'Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.'

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
    Moral of the story:
    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


    Lesson 2 :

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

    They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'


    'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.

    'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

    'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
    Moral of the story:
    Always let your boss have the first say.


    Lesson 3

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

    A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
    Moral of the story:
    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


    Lesson 4

    A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'


    'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch...

    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
    Moral of the story:
    Bull #### might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...


    Lesson 5

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

    The dung was actually thawing him out!

    He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..


    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
    Moral of the story:
    (1) Not everyone who ####s on you is your enemy.

    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of #### is your friend.

    (3) And when you're in deep ####, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

  36. #196
    Michelle Obama was offered $75 by National Geographic

    Public service announcement !!!



    Playboy magazine has reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.

    Michelle Obama was offered $75 by National Geographic.

    In other news... we all remember when KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) offered a "Hillary Meal" consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs.

    Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket."

    It consists of nothing but left wings and a**holes.

    Just keeping you up to date.
    No need to thank me.

  37. #197
    Blonde

    A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says: "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

    The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

    Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."



    After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

  38. #198
    The Haircut

    A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

    His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
    The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

    After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
    The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ ~ ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'




    And the dad said :

    " Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went

  39. #199
    Cockpit

    While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

    Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

    An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
    'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

    When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
    'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'


    'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

    'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
    'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

    'It's The Box Office.'

  40. #200
    The paint can

    A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

    The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

    The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

    "You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

    "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

    The pastor asked him what happened.

    "Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.

    But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefully.

    "You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

    "We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

    "We're not welcome at Lowe's anymore, either."

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