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MAKE ME LAUGH!
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Thread: MAKE ME LAUGH!

  1. #121
    This is a good place to hide isn't it?

    Ant it so.



    John Waynes in The Shootist

    "I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people and I expect the same from them."

  2. #122
    ENJOY LIFE NOW IT HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE!


    Take a minute or two and read this all the way through. I believe you won't regret it.



    This is a wonderful piece by Michael Gartner, editor of newspapers large and small and president of NBC News. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing. It is well worth reading, and a few good chuckles are guaranteed. Here goes...

    My father never drove a car. Well, that's not quite right. I should say I never saw him drive a car.

    He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.

    "In those days," he told me when he was in his 90s, "to drive a car you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it."

    At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in:
    "Oh, bull poop" she said. "He hit a horse."

    "Well," my father said, "there was that, too."

    So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The neighbors all had cars -- the Kollingses next door had a green 1941 Dodge, the VanLaninghams across the street a gray 1936 Plymouth, the Hopsons two doors down a black 1941 Ford -- but we had none.

    My father, a newspaperman in Des Moines , would take the streetcar to work and, often as not, walk the 3 miles home. If he took the streetcar home, my mother and brother and I would walk the three blocks to the streetcar stop, meet him and walk home together.

    My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner, we'd ask how come all the neighbors had cars but we had none. "No one in the family drives," my mother would explain, and that was that.

    But, sometimes, my father would say, "But as soon as one of you boys turns 16, we'll get one.
    " It was as if he wasn't sure which one of us would turn 16 first.

    But, sure enough, my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my parents bought a used 1950 Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts department at a Chevy dealership downtown.

    It was a four-door, white model, stick shift, fender skirts, loaded with very thing, and, since my parents didn't drive, it more or less became my brother's car.

    Having a car but not being able to drive didn't bother my father, but it didn't make sense to my mother.

    So in 1952, when she was 43 years old, she asked a friend to teach her to drive. She learned in a nearby cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and where, a generation later, I took my two sons to practice driving. The cemetery probably was my father's idea.
    "Who can your mother hurt in the cemetery?" I remember him saying more than once.

    For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver in the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction, but he loaded up on maps -- though they seldom left the city limits -- and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.

    Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My mother was a devout Catholic, and my father an equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that didn't seem to bother either of them through their 75 years of marriage.

    (Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire time.)

    He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years or so, he would walk with her the mile to St. Augustin's Church. She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back until he saw which of the parish's two priests was on duty that morning.

    If it was the pastor, my father then would go out and take a 2-mile walk, meeting my mother at the end of the service and walking her home.

    If it was the assistant pastor, he'd take just a 1-mile walk and then head back to the church.
    He called the priests "Father Fast" and "Father Slow."

    After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother whenever she drove anywhere, even if he had no reason to go along. If she were going to the beauty parlor, he'd sit in the car and read, or go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine running so he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio. In the evening, then, when I'd stop by, he'd explain: "The Cubs lost again. The millionaire on second base made a bad throw to the millionaire on first base, so the multimillionaire on third base scored."

    If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out -- and to make sure she loaded up on ice cream. As I said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me, "Do you want to know the secret of a long life?"

    "I guess so," I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.

    "No left turns," he said.

    "What?" I asked

    "No left turns," he repeated. "Several years ago, your mother and I read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic..

    As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said. So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn."
    "What?" I said again.

    "No left turns," he said. "Think about it.. Three rights are the same as a left, and that's a lot safer. So we always make three rights."

    "You're kidding!" I said, and I turned to my mother for support.
    "No," she said, "your father is right. We make three rights. It works." But then she added:
    "Except when your father loses count."

    I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing.

    "Loses count?" I asked.

    "Yes," my father admitted, "that sometimes happens. But it's not a problem. You just make seven rights, and you're okay again."

    I couldn't resist. "Do you ever go for 11?" I asked.

    "No," he said " If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day.
    Besides, nothing in life is so important it can't be put off another day or another week."
    My mother was never in an accident, but one evening she handed me her car keys and said she had decided to quit driving. That was in 1999, when she was 90. She lived four more years, until 2003.. My father died the next year, at 102.

    They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid $8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom -- the house had never had one. My father would have died then and there if he knew the shower cost nearly three times what he paid for the house.)

    He continued to walk daily -- he had me get him a treadmill when he was 101 because he was afraid he'd fall on the icy sidewalks but wanted to keep exercising – and he was of sound mind and sound body until the moment he died.

    One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I had to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all three of us that he was wearing out, though we had the usual wide-ranging conversation about politics and newspapers and things in the news.

    A few weeks earlier, he had told my son, "You know, Mike, the first hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred."

    At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, "You know, I'm probably not going to live much longer."

    "You're probably right," I said.

    "Why would you say that?" He countered, somewhat irritated.

    "Because you're 102 years old," I said..

    "Yes," he said, "you're right." He stayed in bed all the next day.

    That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him
    through the night. He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said: "I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead yet"

    An hour or so later, he spoke his last words:

    "I want you to know," he said, clearly and lucidly, "that I am in no pain. I am very comfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have."

    A short time later, he died.

    I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I've wondered now and then how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so long.

    I can't figure out if it was because he walked through life, Or because he
    quit taking left turns. "

    Life is too short to wake up with regrets.

    So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't.

    Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it & if it changes your life, let it.

    Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it

  3. #123
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Fort Flint,MI
    Posts
    23,166
    Great one. I wished I had him for a neighbor so I could sit on his front porch and just listen to him.

  4. #124
    Wife's Diary:

    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I had been shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late.

    But he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet, so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I couldn't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





    Husband's Diary
    Truck wouldn't start this morning. Can't figure it out.

  5. #125
    A Doctor was addressing a large audience at a medical conference.

    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

  6. #126
    Never Argue with a Woman

    One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
    Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') 'You're in
    a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
    'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
    I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
    'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
    For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.




    MORAL:
    Never argue with a woman who reads.
    It's likely she can also think.

  7. #127
    Bear hunters

    Back in the 70 s there were 3 guys who liked to consume moonshine and spotlight bears so the night before opening day they did just that ,got the bear and arrived at the check station an hour after daylight. The game warden replies, guys that's a nice bear but you should not be drinking and where is your hunting license etc?They replied they did not have a license and were warned and sent on their way. The next hunt after they purchased their hunting license they consumed moonshine, spotlighted and killed another bear, arrived at check station and showed the warden their license and were warned about drinking and hunting and told they also needed a big game stamp. The hunters purchase their big game stamp and consume massive amounts of bootleg whiskey and do the same thing again and arrive at the check station about an hour after daylight, being cocky with their required license and the officer replies, boys ,yaw ll got all your license but why is there a bullet hole in both paws and between the eyes? The leader of the pack says.

    " W hen we threw the spotlight on him he covered both eyes and we let him have it ""

  8. #128
    Faith

    Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?

    Student : Yes, sir.

    Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?

    Student : Absolutely, sir.

    Professor : Is GOD good ?

    Student : Sure.

    Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?

    Student : Yes.

    Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

    (Student was silent.)

    Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?

    Student : Yes.

    Professor: Is satan good ?

    Student : No.

    Professor: Where does satan come from ?

    Student : From … GOD …

    Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

    Student : Yes.

    Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

    Student : Yes.

    Professor: So who created evil ?

    (Student did not answer.)

    Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

    Student : Yes, sir.

    Professor: So, who created them ?

    (Student had no answer.)

    Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?

    Student : No, sir.

    Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?

    Student : No , sir.

    Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?

    Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

    Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

    Student : Yes.

    Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

    Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

    Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

    Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

    Professor: Yes.

    Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

    Professor: Yes.

    Student : No, sir. There isn’t.

    (The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)

    Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

    (There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

    Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

    Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

    Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

    Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?

    Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

    Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

    Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.

    Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

    Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

    Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

    (The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

    Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

    (The class was in uproar.)

    Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

    (The class broke out into laughter. )

    Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

    (The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

    Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.

    Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

    By the way, that student was EINSTEIN.

  9. #129
    To Be 8 again!


    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching hiswife, who was looking at
    herself in their full length mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he
    asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

    'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

    On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
    Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put
    her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
    Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
    and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he
    ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
    M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

    He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what
    was it like being eight again?'

    Her eyes slowly opened, and her expression suddenly changed.

    'I meant my dress size, you Retard!!!!'

    The moral of the story: Even if a man is listening, he's gonna' get it wrong.

  10. #130
    What's the difference between Obama and a battery?

    ......a battery has a "positive" side

  11. #131
    A group of Texans are driving down the road whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with a busload of nuns and orphans killing everyone. The Texans go straight to hell. When they arrive the devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and demands an explanation. "Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat" says one Texan. This infuriates the ole devil and cranks the thermostat to its very highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS". He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire. The next morning the devil shows up at the Texan's camp site and sure enough there are some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their ten gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One even has his sleeves rolled up. "Well sir, when you've been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this aunt hardly nothing". The ole devil is now so angry he is seeing red. "Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, lets see what happens when I turn OFF the heat". he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow". "I don't get it", the devil says, completely defeated. " I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and I tried to freeze you and you are partying". "You Texans are made of tough stuff". "But why are you celebrating?" A Texan takes a swig from a longneck Bud and replies "Look around!" "Hell is frozen over". "That's just got to mean threes another Bush in the White House!"

  12. #132
    Welfare office

    A woman walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

    "WOW!" the social worker exclaims. "Are they all yours?''

    "Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

    She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

    "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

    "Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy'."

    In disbelief, the case worker. "Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?"

    Their momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yells, 'Leroy!' An when it's time for dinner, I just yells 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yells Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

    The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

    "Then I calls them by their last names."

  13. #133
    Old Reliable,
    I love your jokes, keep em coming.

  14. #134
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    In Fergehell no longer
    Posts
    1,926
    My wife has threatened me with this.....

    ________________________________________________

    There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

    The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning, and He told her that he couldn't help it.
    She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.
    She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

    The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.

    While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

    Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

    The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs, pale as a ghost, sweating profusely, and with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

    He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

    "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

    "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

  15. #135
    Unpleasant Person

    A 50-something year old Muslim man arrived at his seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to an elderly white woman reading her Bible.

    Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The man said "I cannot sit here next to this infidel." The flight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat."

    After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "There are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class."

    About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class."

    Before the irate Muslim man could say anything, the attendant gestured to the elderly woman and said, "Therefore ma’am, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."

    Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud; some even gave a standing ovation.

  16. #136
    Just a tap on the shoulder:

    A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

    The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

    For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

    Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

    The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

    The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.

    Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

  17. #137
    The teacher sat down and cried.

    A primary school teacher asks her pupils to use the word 'fascinate'
    in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my
    granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep it was fascinating.'

    The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not
    'fascinating'.' Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went
    to see the Tower Of London and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,
    that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not
    'fascinated'

    Little George raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she
    had been burned by Little George before. She finally decided there was no
    way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

    George said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big
    she can only fasten eight.' The teacher sat down and cried.

  18. #138
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    In Fergehell no longer
    Posts
    1,926
    One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
    The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
    Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.
    Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
    When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
    Little Lucy went next.
    "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
    Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
    Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
    Next up was little Johnny.
    "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
    On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
    Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.
    He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
    So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.
    Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands!"
    The teacher looked a little shocked, and dfter clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
    "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't **** with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

  19. #139
    The Lie Detector

    A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

    "Son, where were you today?"
    The son says "at school dad."
    Robot slaps the son!

    "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" the son says
    "What dvd?" asks the father
    "Toy story."
    Robot slaps the son again!

    "Ok, it was a p o r n o" cries the son.

    "What!? When I was your age I didn't know what #### was" says the dad.

    Robot slaps the dad!

    Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
    Robot slaps the mom!

    Awkward silence.

  20. #140
    Thanks

  21. #141
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    south Texas Gulf coast
    Posts
    292
    Dinner Party

    My wife hosted a dinner party for all our old friends. Some of whom we hadn't seen in ages. All were encouraged to bring their children along. All throughout
    dinner my wife's best friend's 4 year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.

    The girl could hardly eat her food, because she didn't take her eyes off me. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in
    place. Nothing I did made her stop looking at me.

    I tried my best to ignore her, but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her, "why do you keep looking at me?"

    Everyone, apparently, noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response.

    The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish!"
    It's kinda hard to work within the system when it's a septic system.

    There's one thing worse than a wolf in sheep's clothing. That's a wolf in sheepdog's clothing.

  22. #142
    Every morning I wake up with a stiff neck I think of this story, hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

    A son goes home to the farm and discovers his dad sitting on the covered porch with no pants on gazing across the field.

    The Son say's "Dad you can't sit out here without your pants on" Dad keeps gazing across the field.

    The Son say's again with a little more urgencey "Dad come on in the house, you can't sit out here with out pants"

    Dad slowly turns holding his head still and moving his upper body and proclaims "Yesterday I set here with no shirt on and got this stiff neck; this was mother's idea"

  23. #143
    There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband

    A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

    From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

    As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”

  24. #144
    I did your grandma

    A drunken old man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

    'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

    The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

    His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

    The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, The best I ever had!'

    The biker's buddies are starting to get really agitated, just waiting for all Hell to break loose, but still the biker says nothing.

    The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, Your grandma liked it!'

    At this point the biker finally stands up, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says...

    'Grandpa... Go home! You're drunk.'

  25. #145
    MY New Neighbor

    She just moved in across the street.

    I can see her house from my living room.

    I was surprised when she walked across the street
    and up my driveway.

    She knocked on my door...

    I rushed to open it.
    She looked at me, and said: "I just got home from work,
    and I have a strong urge to have a good time

    and make love all night long!

    Are you busy tonight?"

    I immediately replied, "No, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

    Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

  26. #146
    The Golden Saloon

    A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
    door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
    "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this
    fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is
    golden."

    "Rubbish! There's no such place!"

    Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor,
    the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

    The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
    phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She
    calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden
    Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is,"
    the bartender answers.

    "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden
    floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"

    There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey,
    Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone
    last night!"

  27. #147
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    'murKKa - FEMA region IV
    Posts
    11,456
    The Story of Tyrone

    Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone."
    One day Tyrone's mama came to school to check on how he was doing.
    The teacher told his mama honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.
    The mom was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
    25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease.
    All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.
    Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.
    When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.
    The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

    If you thought Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Obama
    "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 (NKJV)

    III

    Raging Deplorable - we do NOT forget; we do NOT forgive; we are LEGION

  28. #148
    Who rules the roost......

    Big fella and tiny lady get married and leave for honeymoon.

    Big fella says to tiny wife ....you go in bathroom and change into something
    romantic and I change here in the bedroom.

    Short time later wife leans on bathroom door a vision of Venus..just stunning.

    Big brusier husband is stunned but collect himself for one final task.

    Wife floats over to big brusier husband where she is greeted with husband
    holding his trousers saying....Put these on please. Wife is shocked and says..
    there much to big for me!! Husband says...Don't you ever forget it either!

    Wife steps back eyes narrowing to pick up her dainty tiny underpants and
    says to big brusier husband.....here you put these on! Husband laughs to
    say.....I can't get into them. Whereupon the wife replies.....and don't you
    ever forget that either!!!

  29. #149
    Gardening

    A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

    The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

    Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

    One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

    "No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

  30. #150
    A Texas Kid's First Bow and Arrow Set

    Life as a child growing up in Texas ....

    Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough critter.

    That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.

    One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether).

    A light bulb went off in my head.

    I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.

    So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

    At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder.

    My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?

    You know what? I'm going back in the house for the other can, so I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

    I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHOOT! He just got home from work.

    So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes.

    I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot. When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

    The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE COTTON PICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

    There was a big sweet gum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That sucker got up and ran off.

    So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport, having what I can only assume is, a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

    His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard.

    There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

    I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head.

    I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on.

    I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea.

    I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

    One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again.

    Mom had been fussing about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

    Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

  31. #151

  32. #152
    I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
    Some days you are the dog, some days you are the hydrant.
    I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
    Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

    The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
    I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
    It was all so different before everything changed.
    Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.

    I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
    It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
    Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
    The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
    If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
    Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
    If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

    It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
    Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
    Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get

  33. #153
    Looks like he's still celebrating


    Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.

    After meeting several of her friends and former school mates,
    they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

    The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

    There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing,
    moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

    Wife turns to her husband and says,
    "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
    Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating

  34. #154
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Fort Flint,MI
    Posts
    23,166
    Quote Originally Posted by Old Reliable View Post
    That was very funny!

  35. #155
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    In Fergehell no longer
    Posts
    1,926
    Quote Originally Posted by Old Reliable View Post
    OMG, i'm dying here.

    And Because of that, I have to relate a story from my LEO days. I swear this is 100% true, but to this day, it still cracks me up. Names have been changed to protect the innocent lol.

    The detective and I were at a local hospital with a prisoner, for a checkup. The prisoner had gotten into a fight with a drunk while in the holding cell, and needed to be checked out before going into county intake.

    While we were there waiting, a guy comes walking in, wearing a beige trenchcoat, walking funny, and a look of extreme pain on his face. Needless to say, it caught our attention, as it was like high 80's out that day. Well, he's talking to the triage nurse, and, while he's talking to her, her eyes get immediately huge, like saucers, and she rushes the gentleman back to one of the exam rooms.

    About 3 min later, she comes out, and she just starts laughing and crying silently, and runs off.

    Well, about 5 min later, a veritable parade of doctors and nurses start going into and out of that exam room, and they're all having the same reaction. Walk in, stay in room for about 3-5 minutes, and then come out, and once the door is shut, they completely lose it.

    Well after about 20 minutes of this, it's killing us, and finally the detective gets the attention of one of the nurses he knows, and motions her over. He askes her what's up, and she replies...

    "Well, the guy in the exam room has a bowling ball stuck on his d**k (yes, folks, you read that right), and it won't come off, as it's too swollen, and they can't break the suction. They're talking about using a bone saw right now to cut the ball off."
    We immediately grab our netheregions in horror at what she describes, and proceed to start laughing ourselves.

    the prisoner who we're here to get checked out, pipes up and remarks, "Man, dat's some F&@$$%# up s^*&%@ there man, that M-F'er is crayzay!"
    Which proceeds to get us laughing even more.

    About 15 minutes later, you can hear the bone saw start up, and then you can hear this guys screaming throughout the ER, "NO MAN!, AW HELL NO MAN!, THERE'S GOT TO BE ANOTHER WAY! AW HELL!", and there's complete silence through the ER as this poor guy gets this ball sawed off his private parts.

    After about 5 min after the saw was turned off, the doctor in the room comes out, and everyone starts clapping and laughing. It was surreal. I turned and look at the detective I was with, and I say, "You know, I kinda feel sorry for the guy." and he asks me why, "Well, I bowl, and I know the largest hole on my ball is the thumbhole..." and I hold up my thumb, and we both start laughing again.

    As we're leaving, after having the prisoner checked out, and headed to county intake with him, he leans forward in the back seat, and says to us, "You know what, man, i'm not even mad about going to the jail now man, that s**t was crazy funny!"

    Yes, it's not a joke, but still one of the funnier stories from those days long ago.

  36. #156
    A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

    An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

  37. #157
    Two elderly women just arrived in America from Scotland and was enjoying the sights. One of the women said that she heard people over here ate dogs. Thinking they should do as Americans do they stopped at a street vender and ordered two dogs. At a nearby table they sat down and unwrapped their lunch. One turned to the other with a red face and asked "well which part of the dog did you get

  38. #158
    TRUCKER'S BREAKFAST

    For many who travel, often the best food is a truck stop.

    I wonder what the waitress would have to say if someone
    actually ordered their breakfast as this guy did?!

    It's coffee (honest!), A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe'
    and Placed his order.

    He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of Running boards.'

    The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid,
    went to the kitchen and said to the cook,

    'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights
    and a pair of running boards.
    What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'

    'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires... mean three pancakes; a pair
    of headlights...Is two eggs sunny side up...and a pair of running boards
    are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

    'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
    spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

    The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'
    (I love this one...! )

    She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
    headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!


    FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN

  39. #159
    Prez Obama will explain in detail.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-aZPRUvkbw

    Crazy Barry
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Cv_SbBDBjE



    The Wisdom of Barack Obama (HUMOR)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFVwJNL3XNk

  40. #160
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    south Texas Gulf coast
    Posts
    292
    AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

    THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

    A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

    THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

    THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

    THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

    THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

    THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."
    It's kinda hard to work within the system when it's a septic system.

    There's one thing worse than a wolf in sheep's clothing. That's a wolf in sheepdog's clothing.

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