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MAKE ME LAUGH!
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Thread: MAKE ME LAUGH!

  1. #1401
    An atheist was walking through the woods.
    "What majestic trees"!
    "What powerful rivers"!
    "What beautiful animals"!
    He said to himself.

    As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
    Time Stopped.
    The bear froze.
    The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

    The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

    "Very Well," said the voice.

    The light went out.

    The sounds of the forest resumed.

    And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

    "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

  2. #1402
    A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old
    farmer.
    He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new
    road."
    The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."
    The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State
    Government to go where I want.
    See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

    So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
    Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running
    for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull.
    The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining
    on the employee at every step!!

    The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

  3. #1403
    Union Rules & Hookers----

    A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

    "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

    "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

    "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

    Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.
    !
    We observe all union rules."

    The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

    "That's more like it!" the union man said.

    He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

    "I'd like her," he said.


    "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

  4. #1404
    Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn
    that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

    Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she
    agreed and they made passionate love.

    Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
    have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again ?"

    Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into
    bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He
    touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time
    before I die."

    She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

    Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
    turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife
    on the shoulder to wake her up.

    "Honey, I only have four hours left ! Could we... ?"

    His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not
    being funny ... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.

  5. #1405
    Happy Thanksgiving

    Count your blessings - Classic Hymns with lyrics
    Ron time 3:16

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxbQO3XRMQc
    Last edited by Old Reliable; 11-28-2019 at 10:37 AM.

  6. #1406
    Mark Lowry - I don't have enough faith to be an atheist. From my video, MARK LOWRY ON BROADWAY.

    Run time 14:07

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_Vuwl_bQ3U

  7. #1407
    Follow your dreams

    Gaylord Maxwell: follow your RV dream

    Gaylord Maxwell, author, lecturer and founder of Life On Wheels, died Sept. 20, 2008. Here is Gaylord at his best, advising an audience at Life on Wheels to follow their dreams, and not waste any time doing it. This lecture, which Gaylord presented many times, inspired many RVers to take up the full-time RV lifestyle

    Run time 2:00 m

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9B9H3-6pOU

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9B9H3-6pOU

  8. #1408
    A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

    "Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new internet based toilet app for your cell phone that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
    All you have to do is attach it to your toilet, pair it with your phone, give it a urine sample in the normal way, it swipes $10BTC, then the app will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

    The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he downloaded the Internet toilet app, deposited the urine, his cell phone began to go boop beep boop beep and the green light flashed on and off.
    After a short pause, text came which said:

    You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

    After paying for his diagnosis, he began to suspect fraud.

    To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all of, he masturbated into the jar.
    He poured this concoction in the toilet.
    The internet toilet app went through the same flashing routine as before then texted the following message:



    Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
    Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
    Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
    Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
    And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

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