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MAKE ME LAUGH!
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Thread: MAKE ME LAUGH!

  1. #41
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    south Texas Gulf coast
    Posts
    288
    Had that as my ring tone on my cell phone a while back. Got a lot of chuckles when it would ring when I was in a store or something

    Its a great day for me to whip somebody's ass.wmv

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaEAinJMwHI

    funny humor music video.
    It's kinda hard to work within the system when it's a septic system.

    There's one thing worse than a wolf in sheep's clothing. That's a wolf in sheepdog's clothing.

  2. #42
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Kentucky
    Posts
    1,195
    This is great! But I'm wiping my eyes and crossing my legs ;-)
    beardog

    Take me as I am or don't take me at all

  3. #43
    WALKING ON THE GRASS .

    The room full of pregnant women with their husbands .

    The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
    It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty
    of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass."

    "Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that
    shared experience would be good for you both."

    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

    After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

    "Yes?" said the Instructor.

    "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

    This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught........

  4. #44
    911 Emergency Call Center


    A 911 Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto, Ontario,
    much to the dismay of her colleagues, who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

    It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating,

    "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah.."

    To which the call center employee replied,

    "Remain calm and stay on the line."

  5. #45

  6. #46
    One afternoon a couple of older teens were hanging out talking.

    One said he wanted to go visit his Grandma because she had been ill and was stuck in bed for a few days. Another teen said he would take the walk with him.

    When the teens arrived at the house they went in and Grandma was laying in bed and looked a lot better. She was sitting up and watching TV.

    The teen gave his Grandma a hug and a peck on the cheek and they started talking. The friend was standing by the side of the bed and saw a big bowl of peanuts.

    He started eating the peanuts and after about half an hour it was time to leave. Before he walked out the friend apologized to Grandma for eating all her peanuts.

    Grandma told him not worry about it because since she had lost her dentures she couldn't chew them and all she could do was suck the chocolate off them.

    Yech!

  7. #47
    Perfect for game day:

    One foggy night, an LSU fan was heading north and an Alabama fan was driving south.
    While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

    The Alabama fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage.
    He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I’m lucky to be alive!”

    Likewise, the LSU fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

    The Alabama fan walks over to the LSU fan and says,
    “Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals.”

    The LSU fan thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends.
    In fact, I’m going to see if something else survived the wreck.”

    The LSU fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel’s.
    He says to the Alabama fan, “I think this is another sign- we should toast to our newfound friendship.”
    The Alabama fan agrees and grabs the bottle.
    After sucking down half of the bottle, the Alabama fan hands it back to the LSU fan and says,
    “Your turn!”

    The LSU fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle,
    Throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says,
    “Nah, I think I’ll just wait for the cops to show up.”

    Geaux Tigers

  8. #48
    Greg decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

    One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His
    wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she
    finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I
    think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

    Greg gets this horrified look on his face.

    She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

    "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

    "Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

    "I wasn't!"

  9. #49
    Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven

    The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.

    He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St Peter himself St Peter says, Well
    Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.
    I must inform you that the place is filling up fast and we've been
    administering an entrance examination for everyone.

    The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven.
    The questions are
    1) what days in the week begin with the letter T?
    2) How many seconds are there in a year?
    3) What is God's first name?

    Forrest says: Well the first one- how many days in the week begin with the
    letter T?

    That is an easy one. That 'd be Today and Tomorrow St Peter opened his eyes
    wide and said, Forrest that's not what I was thinking... but I will give
    you credit for that answer.

    How about the next one He asked, how many seconds in a year? Now that is
    harder! , says Forrest, but I think and thunk and I guess the only answer
    could be twelve.

    Astounded, St Peter says, Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how could you come up
    with twelve seconds in a year?

    There's gotta be twelve, he said, January 2nd, February 2nd, March the
    second....
    Hold it, interrupts St Peter, I see where you are going with this, and
    I'll have to give you credit for that one too.
    Let’s go one with the last and final question.: Can you tell me God's first
    name?

    Sure Forrest replied, its Andy '

    Andy? Exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
    OK I can understand how you came up with your answers to the first two
    questions, but just how in the
    world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?
    That was the easiest one of all, Forrest replied.

    HERE IT COMES!


    ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
    ANDY TALKS WITH ME
    ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN

    St Peter opens the Pearly Gates and said, run Forrest, run!!

  10. #50
    Womens Bathroom Fart Prank

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVa_O7PzOVU

  11. #51
    Husband----Well how did your physical go down at the Doctor place

    Wife----Fit as a fiddle & in perfect shape

    Husband---- What did the Doc say about that big ass of yours

    Wife------Well dear your name never came up

  12. #52
    Texas State Troopers Are Fair

    A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus and that he was running late.

    The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead with a fellow performer and didn't have anything to juggle.

    The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

    While the man was juggling the flares, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper having observed him getting into his car went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the individual what he thought he was doing.

    The man who appeared to have had a couple of drinks replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

  13. #53
    Thanks for the laugh! I sure wish this forum had thumbs up buttons! or even a "thanks" one

  14. #54
    Three friends from Acadiana was asked, "When you're in yo' casket, and yo' friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?"

    Thibodaux thought a minute, then said, "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

    Fontenot said, "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful teacher, and a servant of da church, who made a huge difference in people's lives."

    Boudreaux said, "i'd like dem to say, "Look! He's movin!"

  15. #55
    One morning, three Cajuns and three Yankees where in a ticket line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Cajuns bought just one ticket.

    "how are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.

    "Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from Louisiana.

    All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Cajuns crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

    Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets/ He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please."

    The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

    The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

    That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Cajuns didn't buy even one ticket.

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.

    "Watch and learn," answered the three Cajun boys in unison.

    When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Cajuns crammed into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Cajuns left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees where hiding.

    The Cajun knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

  16. #56
    Celebrating an Anniversary Italian Style.

    At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

    At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share someinsightinto how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

    Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

    The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'






    Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her upa."

  17. #57
    Third grade class is learning morals

    The third grade class is learning morals.

    The teacher asks if anyone knows some stories that have morals? Suzy raises her hand and says its ok if you break something that can be easily replaced so long as it was an accident.

    The teacher says whats the moral of that Suzy says don't cry over spilled milk.

    Then Bobby raises his hand and says that if you sell 4 dozens chickens about to be born before they are born you might be in a little trouble. The teacher again asks the moral of the story and Bobby says don't count your chicks before they're hatched.

    Then little Johnny raises his hand. he tells the story of his father back in 1969.

    He was in a foxhole in Vietnam. He had a rifle with a bayonet, 998 bullets, and a bottle of Jack Daniels. He was being rushed by 1,000 enemy soldiers with guns and knives.

    The teacher asks what did he do?

    Johnny says; he drank his bottle of Jack, killed 998 enemy soldiers with 998 bullets, jumped out of the fox hole with his gun and stabbed the last two with his bayonet.

    Flabbergasted the teacher asks and just WHAT is the moral of that story!?

    Johnny says don't F*** with my dad when hes drinking!

  18. #58
    Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.

    One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.

    He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but
    I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
    you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't
    quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
    place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

    Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
    the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He
    kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he
    dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

    "No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
    think I could do that all day long."

    The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a
    sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
    time after time after time.

    "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
    agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.



    The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying
    on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained
    in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
    she does best.



    Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I
    can handle this."



    The devil smiled and said . . . . . . .. . .









    "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

  19. #59
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Central Iowa
    Posts
    44,300
    Quote Originally Posted by Old Reliable View Post
    Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.

    One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.

    He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but
    I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
    you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't
    quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
    place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

    Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
    the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He
    kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he
    dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

    "No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
    think I could do that all day long."

    The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a
    sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
    time after time after time.

    "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
    agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.



    The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying
    on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained
    in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
    she does best.



    Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I
    can handle this."



    The devil smiled and said . . . . . . .. . .









    "OK, Monica, you're free to go."


  20. #60
    I got a letter from Grandma the other day.
    She writes:
    The other day I went to a local book store
    and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
    I was feeling particularly sassy that day,
    because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
    followed by a thunderous prayer meeting,
    so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

    Boy, am I glad I did!
    What an uplifting experience followed.
    I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection.
    I was just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is,
    and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
    It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus,
    because if he hadn't honked, I'd have never noticed!
    I found that lots of people love Jesus!
    While I was sitting there,
    the guy behind me started honking like crazy,
    then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
    "For the love of God!
    Go! Go! Jesus Christ, Go!?
    What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
    Everyone started honking!
    I just leaned out of my window
    and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
    I even honked a few times to share in the love!
    There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard
    him yelling something about a sunny beach.
    I saw another guy waving in a funny way,
    with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
    I asked my teenage grandson in the backseat what
    that meant, and he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good
    luck sign or something.

    Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii,
    so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
    My grandson burst out laughing.....
    he was enjoying this religious experience, too!
    A couple of people were so caught up in the
    joy of the moment, that they got out of their cars and started
    walking toward me.

    I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
    but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
    So, grinning, I waved to all my sisters and brothers,
    and drove on through the intersection.

    I noticed that I was the only car that got through the
    intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind
    of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared,
    so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

    Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

  21. #61
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    GA
    Posts
    1,920
    This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
    So remember this story the next time …



    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..

    She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"












    "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

    "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.










    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

    "Oh, really! What'd he say?"






    He said: "Who ****ed up your hair?"

  22. #62
    Sex in the Office

    Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else...

    One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you 100 if you let me
    have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

    Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
    time you pick it up. '

    She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
    boyfriend and told him the story.

    Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for 200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
    pants down.'

    So she agrees and accepts the proposal. half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
    girlfriend to call.

    Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

    She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'

  23. #63
    Two Trees and a Woodpecker

    It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

    The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
    neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
    best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

  24. #64
    Senior Sex

    A married couple, both in their 70's go for lunch at the tavern where the met. The husband leans over and asked his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 yrs ago? We went behind this very travern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
    Yes, she said, "I remember it very well."
    Ok, he said, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
    "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea!"

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these 2 old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
    The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
    As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
    Finally, they collaspe, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
    The policeman is still watching and think to himself, "This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is." So as the old couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

    Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

  25. #65
    Happy Hour Southern Style

    Bubba is driving down a back road in Alabama.

    A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

    HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

    Lobster Tail and Beer

    "Lordy mercy!" he says to himself, "Them's three of my favorites!"

  26. #66
    I know those old places of my back ground.... You will too... Great history..
    IF you grew up in the South in the 40's and 50's (or earlier), then you will remember scenes just like these.
    There may be a few rural places where you can still find the old South, but they are disappearing fast.


    http://southerness.weebly.com/

  27. #67
    Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced.


    An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced.

    Forty-five years of misery is enough."

    "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

    “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

    Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

    The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

  28. #68
    One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

    Everyone else left the bar and drove off.

    Finally as he started his engine and began to pull away the police officer stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

    The results showed a reading of 0.0 The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

    The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

  29. #69
    This one is TRUE

    A Doctor was addressing a large audience at a medical conference.

    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

  30. #70
    A mother had three sons. She had raised them alone as their father had passed when they were children. The boys all had become entirely successful-moderately wealthy, and had families of their own in different parts of the country. The sons had a talk about what their Mother had sacrificed to bring them up and they all agreed they owed her. So each brother agreed to buy their Mother the finest gift they could find and price was no object. The oldest son found her a wonderful mansion in the hills outside Nashville only miles from where Mother had grown up on a small farm. What's more the house had everything and was within walking distance of Mothers old church. The second brother bought her a fine new Mercedes loaded to the gills with everything. The Youngest brother, knowing Mother's simple upbringing and love for the Word of God, found Mother a rare Parrot which had been trained to recite every verse of the Bible by several top pastors in the South. They each presented Mother with the gifts.

    She called the sons to her old home and declared she couldn't move from her bungalow. It was home to her and she could never care for the mansion alone. She asked the oldest son to sell it and give the money to her grandchildren. She told the middle son that she had no desire to drive and requested he do the same with his gift, the fine car.

    When the youngest boy asked, "Well mother what did you think about the bird?"

    She replied, Thank you son, the chicken was delicious.

  31. #71
    Think it might work ?

    Holding up a lottery ticket, a husband says to his wife...

    "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

    She says...

    "I would take half, then leave you."

    "Excellent", he replies...

    "I won 12 bucks. Here's $6, now get the hell out."

  32. #72
    Original Obamaphone Lady: Obama Voter Says Vote for Obama because he gives a free Phone

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpAO...ature=youtu.be

  33. #73
    FOUND ON A COWBOY’S TOMBSTONE:

    Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah.

    His five rules for a happy life :

    1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

    2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

    3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and who doesn't lie to you.

    4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

    5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me. :msp_w00t:




    Take care.

  34. #74
    Have ya'll seen this one, it's been this floating around the net for a while but it's so true

    The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

    GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

    RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

    GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

    RANCHER: That would be me.

  35. #75
    Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.

    After meeting several of her friends and former school mates,
    they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

    The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

    There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing,
    moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

    Wife turns to her husband and says,
    "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
    Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

  36. #76
    5 Undeniable Facts


    1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

    2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

    3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

    4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

    5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

    AND

    I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

  37. #77
    HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2014
    Scenario 1:
    Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

    1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

    2014- School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

    Scenario 2:
    Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

    1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

    2014 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

    Scenario 3:
    Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

    1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

    2014 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

    Scenario 4:
    Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

    1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

    2014 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

    Scenario 5:
    Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

    1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.

    2014 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

    Scenario 6:
    Pedro fails high school English.

    1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

    2014 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

    Scenario 7:
    Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

    1957 - Ants die.

    2014 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

    Scenario 8:
    Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

    1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

    2014- Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

    not real funny but oh so true.

  38. #78
    Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

    A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

    "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

    The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

    One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

    Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress .

  39. #79
    A couple got married and after the reception they were heading off to the farm in the horse and cart.
    Along the way, the horse stopped to have a nibble of grass off the side of the road.

    The farmer got out of the cart and grabbed the bridle, looked the horse in the eyes and said "That's once".

    He then hopped back onto the cart and proceeded down the road once again. About a mile or so later, the horse stopped again and started eating the grass. The farmer grabbed his rifle, hopped off the wagon, and shot the horse dead.

    His new bride was horrified, and screamed at him, "What the hell did you do that for."

    The farmer said: "That's once"

  40. #80
    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

    He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Clayton.'
    Passenger: 'Who?'

    Cabbie: 'Clayton Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Clayton Feldman every single time.'
    Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

    Cabbie: 'Not Clayton Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

    Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
    Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, the whole street blacks out.. But Clayton Feldman, could do everything right.'

    Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
    Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Clayton, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too... He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Clayton Feldman.'

    Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
    Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Clayton, he died and I married his wi

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