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MAKE ME LAUGH!
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Thread: MAKE ME LAUGH!

  1. #1281
    Join Date
    Jun 2001
    Location
    Over there
    Posts
    10,407
    Go ahead and laugh!

    People create their own questions because they are afraid to look straight. All you have to do is look straight and see the road, and when you see it, don't sit looking at it - walk. Ayn Rand

  2. #1282
    Ummm....

    I got nuthin'...

    Summerthyme

  3. #1283
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Central Iowa
    Posts
    41,597
    found this on facespy.
    Attached Images
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  4. #1284
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Central Iowa
    Posts
    41,597
    Quote Originally Posted by Bardou View Post
    Go ahead and laugh!

    I used to live in NYC and women would dress like this intentionally to keep other people away from them while riding the subways.
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  5. #1285
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    south Texas Gulf coast
    Posts
    279
    Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they checked her meter.

    Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.

    “When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were” gasped the woman, “I figured I’d better run too!”
    It's kinda hard to work within the system when it's a septic system.

    There's one thing worse than a wolf in sheep's clothing. That's a wolf in sheepdog's clothing.

  6. #1286
    A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms.

    For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.

    “Now,” he said,” what do you learn from this?”

    An eager student gave his answer.

    “Well the answer is obvious,” he said ” if you drink alcohol, you’ll never have worms.”

  7. #1287
    Email From Mom

    John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”

    About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?'”

    John said, “Well, I doubt it but I’ll write her an email just to be sure.”

    So he sat down and wrote, “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house and I’m not saying you did not take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

    A few days later John received an email from his mother which read, “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Julie and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.”

  8. #1288
    There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

    After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

    He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

    “Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?!”

    The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”

  9. #1289
    ATLANTA MAYOR WANTS TO CLOSE CITY JAIL-MAKE IT A "WELLNESS" CENTER

    https://atlanta.curbed.com/2019/5/22...tree-repurpose

    Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms’s longtime promise to shut down the city’s jail appears to be coming to fruition.

    On Monday, the Atlanta City Council approved a resolution that would form a task force charged with determining what should become of the Atlanta City Detention Center.

    The ultimate goal would be to find a way to transform the jail, which has historically held violators of city ordinances and traffic laws, into a place “that could benefit the entire community and serve as a center for equity,” according to a council press release.

    What exactly a “center for equity” could look like remains to be seen.

    The task force would be made up of at least 25 people, ranging from city officials to regular Atlantans.

  10. #1290
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Central Iowa
    Posts
    41,597
    ... too funny!
    Attached Images
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  11. #1291
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Central Iowa
    Posts
    41,597
    Attached Images
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  12. #1292
    TWO CHOICES
    READ THIS. LET IT REALLY SINK IN. THEN CHOOSE HOW YOU
    START YOUR DAY TOMORROW.

    Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is
    Always in a good mood and always has something positive
    To say.

    When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would
    Reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

    He was a natural motivator.

    If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there
    Telling the employee how to look on the positive side of
    The situation.

    Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I
    Went up to Michael and asked him, "I don't get it! You
    Can’t be a positive person all of the time.

    "How do you do it?"

    Michael replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to
    I, you have two choices today. You can choose to be
    In a good mood or ...you can choose to be in a bad mood.

    I choose to be in a good mood.

    Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a
    Victim or...I can choose to learn from it.

    I choose to learn from it.

    Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose
    To accept their complaining or... I can point out the
    Positive side of life.

    I choose the positive side of life.

    "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

    "Yes, it is," Michael said. "Life is all about choices.
    When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a
    Choice.
    You choose how you react to situations.
    You choose how people affect your mood.
    You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood.
    The bottom line: "It's your choice how you live your
    Life."

    I reflected on what Michael said.

    Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my
    Own business.
    We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made
    A choice about life instead of reacting to it.

    Several years later, I heard that Michael was involved
    In a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a
    Communications tower.
    After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care,
    Michael was released from the hospital with rods placed
    In his back.

    I saw Michael about six months after the accident.
    When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any
    Better, I'd be twins. Want to see my scars?"

    I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had
    Gone through his mind as the accident took place.

    "The first thing that went through my mind was the well-
    Being of my soon to be born daughter," Michael replied.
    "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had
    Two choices:
    I could choose to live or ...I could choose to die. I
    Chose to live."

    "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I skid.

    Michael continued, "...the paramedics were great. They
    Kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they
    Wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the
    Faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared.

    In their eyes, I read "he's a dead man. I knew I needed
    To take action."

    "What did you do?" I asked.

    "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at
    Me," said Michael. She asked if I was allergic to
    Anything.

    "Yes", I replied.

    The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited
    For my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, "Gravity."

    Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to
    Live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

    Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but
    Also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him
    That every day we have the choice to live fully.

    Attitude, after all, is everything.

    "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow
    Will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble
    Of its own." Matthew 6:34

    After all today is the tomorrow you worried about
    Yesterday.

  13. #1293
    Quote Originally Posted by Old Reliable View Post
    TWO CHOICES
    READ THIS. LET IT REALLY SINK IN. THEN CHOOSE HOW YOU
    START YOUR DAY TOMORROW.

    Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is
    Always in a good mood and always has something positive
    To say.

    When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would
    Reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

    He was a natural motivator.

    If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there
    Telling the employee how to look on the positive side of
    The situation.

    Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I
    Went up to Michael and asked him, "I don't get it! You
    Can’t be a positive person all of the time.

    "How do you do it?"

    Michael replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to
    I, you have two choices today. You can choose to be
    In a good mood or ...you can choose to be in a bad mood.

    I choose to be in a good mood.

    Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a
    Victim or...I can choose to learn from it.

    I choose to learn from it.

    Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose
    To accept their complaining or... I can point out the
    Positive side of life.

    I choose the positive side of life.

    "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

    "Yes, it is," Michael said. "Life is all about choices.
    When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a
    Choice.
    You choose how you react to situations.
    You choose how people affect your mood.
    You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood.
    The bottom line: "It's your choice how you live your
    Life."

    I reflected on what Michael said.

    Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my
    Own business.
    We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made
    A choice about life instead of reacting to it.

    Several years later, I heard that Michael was involved
    In a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a
    Communications tower.
    After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care,
    Michael was released from the hospital with rods placed
    In his back.

    I saw Michael about six months after the accident.
    When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any
    Better, I'd be twins. Want to see my scars?"

    I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had
    Gone through his mind as the accident took place.

    "The first thing that went through my mind was the well-
    Being of my soon to be born daughter," Michael replied.
    "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had
    Two choices:
    I could choose to live or ...I could choose to die. I
    Chose to live."

    "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I skid.

    Michael continued, "...the paramedics were great. They
    Kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they
    Wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the
    Faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared.

    In their eyes, I read "he's a dead man. I knew I needed
    To take action."

    "What did you do?" I asked.

    "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at
    Me," said Michael. She asked if I was allergic to
    Anything.

    "Yes", I replied.

    The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited
    For my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, "Gravity."

    Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to
    Live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

    Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but
    Also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him
    That every day we have the choice to live fully.

    Attitude, after all, is everything.

    "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow
    Will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble
    Of its own." Matthew 6:34

    After all today is the tomorrow you worried about
    Yesterday.
    That is excellent! And your 'reliable' postings are day brighteners for many. Thanks again. This thread is one of my main stops.

  14. #1294
    A lady went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.

    The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?”

    The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him $200. Blushing, he said, “Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”

    “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

  15. #1295
    Do you know the difference between an illegal alien and ET?


    ET learned English as soon as he got here and couldn't wait to go home!

  16. #1296
    Top 10 Caddy Responses:

    Number :10
    Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
    Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

    Number : 9
    Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
    Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

    Number : 8
    Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
    Caddy: "Yes . . . . you miss the ball much closer now."

    Number : 7
    Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
    Caddy: "Eventually."

    Number : 6
    Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
    Caddy: "I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence."

    Number : 5
    Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
    Caddy: "It's not a watch it's a compass."

    Number : 4
    Golfer: "What do you think of my game?"
    Caddy: "It's very good but personally, I prefer golf."

    Number : 3
    Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
    Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

    Number : 2
    Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
    Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . We left that an hour ago."

    And the Number : 1 .. . . . Best Caddy Comment:
    Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
    Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir"

    Bonus . . . . ...
    A Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy.
    Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . .??"
    Caddy: "There's a piece of s**t on the end of your club."
    Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face .
    Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end."

  17. #1297
    Hi all, I am relocating permanently from Italy to US due to my new job, and one of the first things that I wanted to do before starting my brand new life in NH was to start studiyng how my new home country works, the history, the constitution and the civics....

    So I went to Barnes&Noble (I still love to have my important books on paper) and asked where I could find something about the US consitution and I got directions.... then asked about US history and again I got the direction... finally I asked where I could find a book about civics, in particular how the Us Government and everything related works, and I was pointed toward the SCI-FI section by a laughing shop assistant...

    I found it funny how people respect the constitution and the country's history but not so much the government that rules people everyday's ife...

    Just wanted to share.

  18. #1298
    A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

    'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

    'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

    'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'

    St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

    'Couple of minutes ago

  19. #1299
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    1,084
    Quote Originally Posted by Old Reliable View Post
    Hi all, I am relocating permanently from Italy to US due to my new job, and one of the first things that I wanted to do before starting my brand new life in NH was to start studiyng how my new home country works, the history, the constitution and the civics....

    So I went to Barnes&Noble (I still love to have my important books on paper) and asked where I could find something about the US consitution and I got directions.... then asked about US history and again I got the direction... finally I asked where I could find a book about civics, in particular how the Us Government and everything related works, and I was pointed toward the SCI-FI section by a laughing shop assistant...

    I found it funny how people respect the constitution and the country's history but not so much the government that rules people everyday's ife...

    Just wanted to share.

    Old Reliable, now that’s funny. Congrats on the move, glad to have you.

  20. #1300
    Tree cutting fails and idiots

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHXODoMSeEg

  21. #1301
    A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits
    down at the bar and orders a drink.
    Looking around, he sees three men sitting
    at a corner table.
    He gets up, staggers to the table, leans
    over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker
    in the face and says:
    'I went by your grandma's house today and
    I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
    Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

    The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
    His buddies are confused, because he is one
    bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

    The drunk leans on the table again and says:
    'I got it on with your grandma and she is
    good, the best I ever had!'

    The biker's buddies are starting to get
    really mad but the biker still says
    nothing.

    The drunk leans on the table one more time
    and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy,
    your grandma liked it!'

    At this point the biker stands up, takes the
    drunk by the shoulders looks him
    square in the eyes and says
    Grandpa; Go Home

  22. #1302
    A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

    Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

    Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

    The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

    Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

    The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."

    Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

    "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
    Why, How can this be?"
    Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,

    "Up here, we work by results,"


    "While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."

  23. #1303
    Two ranch hands walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats.

    They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the current cattle prices.

    Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

    After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

    One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

    The woman shakes her head no.

    The cowboy then asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

    The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

    The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back.

    The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstructed food flies out of her mouth.

    As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy saunters back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

    His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."

  24. #1304
    I met a guy this morning, " Hi, what have you been up to?" He replied, " I just spent an hour on my wife's grave." Surprised, I asked, " Your wife? When did she die?" He responded, " Oh, she's not dead, she thinks I'm digging a pond."

  25. #1305
    A Guy is walking down the street. He hears beautiful music. A quick search and discovers it is coming out of a nearby Tavern. He stepped into the Bar and, over in the corner is a tiny little piano, about a foot tall with a tiny guy playing the piano. He walked up to the Bartender, " Wow, he's good. Where did you come up with that?" The Bartender explained, "I got it from a Magic Jeanie. Want to see it?" The guy, excitedly replies, "You have a Magic Jeanie? Wow! Of course I want to see it."

    The Bartender takes him into the back and pulls a large brass lamp off the shelf, "Here, just rub on it and make a wish. But be specific."

    The Bartender went back to washing glasses and the guy began rubbing, " I wish I had a million bucks, I wish I had a million bucks." Suddenly, the back door of the Bar burst open, webbed feet, duck bills, feathers, Quack, quack quack. The bartender heard the racket and ran back, " What happened!" The guy reported, " Well I wished for a million bucks, but got a million ducks. You said to be specific but you didn't tell me the Jeanie was hard of hearing." The Bartender replied, " What? Did you think I wished for a 10 inch pianist?"

  26. #1306
    Traffic Ticket Trick

    Not sure if this is really true, but is interesting:

    Subject: Traffic Ticket Trick

    WHAT TO DO IF YOU GET A TRAFFIC TICKET

    This advice was sent by a retired State Farm agent!
    This system has been tried and it works in every state.

    If you get a speeding ticket or went through a red light or whatever
    the case may be, you're going to get points on your license.

    This is a method to ensure that you DO NOT get the points. When you get
    your fine, send in a check to pay for it. If the fine is $79.00 make
    the check out for $82.00 or some small amount over the fine. The system
    will then have to send you back a check for the difference, however here is
    the trick.

    DO NOT CASH THE REFUND CHECK! Throw it away! Points are not assessed to
    your license until all financial transactions are complete.
    If you do not cash the check, then the transactions are NOT complete.
    The system has received it's money and is satisfied and will no longer
    bother you (and no points will be added to your license).

    This information comes from an unmentionable computer company that sets
    up the standard databases used by every state.

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