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MAKE ME LAUGH!
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Thread: MAKE ME LAUGH!

  1. #1361
    Fred Astaire Cuts Loose: 1970 Oscars

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnrbdNjf-aw

  2. #1362
    Top 10 Iconic Fred Astaire Dance Scenes

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQFamAFNALE

  3. #1363
    The Most Important Food for Surviving SHTF

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4z5nT1QyYs

  4. #1364
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Texas & Florida
    Posts
    12,938

    12 It's math, so it must be true!

    Proud member Alt-Right group "Scientists For Trump". (Smart Americans know he's right.)
    A man should only take a wife whose Bible includes Genesis, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Colossians, Malachi, Isaiah, Ephesians, Corinthians, Hebrews, Timothy, Titus, Proverbs, Mark, Peter & Revelation. Ecclesiastes 7:28 (NIV) tells him the odds.

  5. #1365
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Texas & Florida
    Posts
    12,938

    Insensitive as h*ll, but still kind of funny...

    And, can you imagine the size of the balls on the guy who dared to draw this?!?

    Proud member Alt-Right group "Scientists For Trump". (Smart Americans know he's right.)
    A man should only take a wife whose Bible includes Genesis, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Colossians, Malachi, Isaiah, Ephesians, Corinthians, Hebrews, Timothy, Titus, Proverbs, Mark, Peter & Revelation. Ecclesiastes 7:28 (NIV) tells him the odds.

  6. #1366

  7. #1367
    Fishing for Chinook Salmon - British Columbia

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2hvLZ9gR7g

  8. #1368
    There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

    Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical

    Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

    GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?

    BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on her rear end and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

    I trust this clears up any confusion.

    Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

  9. #1369
    Boarding A Plane In Israel

    TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

    It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

    Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

    You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

    "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"

  10. #1370
    The women at the gas station, the most amusing cases 2016-2017

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THmgm0UjIms

  11. #1371
    Lost in the desert



    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
    Afghanistan desert when he saw
    something far off in the distance.

    Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a
    little old Jewish man sitting at a
    card-table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "My thirst is
    killing me. Do you have water?" The
    Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
    are only $150. This one goes
    very nicely with your robes."

    The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need
    water!"
    "OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy
    a tie, and that you insult me. I
    will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill
    to the east for about two miles,
    you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant
    has all the water you need!"

    The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.
    Four hours later the Arab came
    crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew
    said, "I told you, about two miles
    over that hill. Could you not find it?

    "I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in
    without a tie"

  12. #1372
    A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

    He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

    "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

    For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

    Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service

  13. #1373
    Dear Employees:

    As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas,
    we are forced to cut down on our amount of personnel. Under this plan,
    older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting
    the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore,
    a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
    fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.


    This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).


    Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look
    for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a
    review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
    This review phase of the program is called SCREW.


    SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
    All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED
    may file an appeal with upper management.


    This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
    Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
    SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.


    If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
    HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
    or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).


    As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
    received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.


    Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on
    board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
    Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount of
    **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more
    **** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do
    not receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate manager.


    Your manager is specially trained to make sure you receive
    all the **** you can stand.


    And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

  14. #1374
    A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

    Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised to pay a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

    To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would arrange then for child support payments to begin.

    One day about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

    Honey, she said, "You received a very strange postcard today." "Oh just give it to me and I'll e xplain it," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

    On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti . Two with meatballs, one without."

  15. #1375
    Think you are having a bad day?

    Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

    A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

    It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

    You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

    Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.


    Still think you're having a bad day?

    A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

    His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

    While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

    After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage doneto his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

    The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

    As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

    Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

    The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdezoil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


    Still think you are having a bad day?

    A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

    STILL think you're having a bad day?

    Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

    What?! STILL having a bad day??

    Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

    There now, feeling better?

  16. #1376
    Keep The Saddle

    It was Saturday morning as Robert, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife Deb, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

    Robert asks her, "What are you up to?"
    Deb smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
    Robert, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

    Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of Eugene , Oregon.
    Robert sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it, and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

    Robert walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Deb couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.

    Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Robert starts running back. As Robert gets closer to her stand, he hears Deb screaming, "Get away from my deer!"

    Confused and frightened, Robert races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

    Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Robert is surprised to see a Oregon game warden with his hands high in the air.

    The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

  17. #1377
    Are You Poor or Just Broke | Wranglerstar

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-RossLMK7w

  18. #1378
    Lt. Gen Hal Moore's 1993 return to LZ Xray in the Ia Drang Valley - "They Were Young and Brave"

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPRI48pQJIY

  19. #1379
    This happened back when I was young and trying to be a salesman.

    I represented a company which made equipment for the medical industry, so I was sent out to the local medical college to see Dr. ___.

    I found his office, and his secretary gave me a little smile and pointed down the hall.

    "He's finishing up with some students right now, you're welcome to join him...room 201."

    So I say thanks, and head for room 201. Sure enough, there's the Doc (easily recognized, since he was the second oldest person in the room, and wearing a white coat.) There were also five students taking notes, a sixth wielding a Craftsman carpenter's saw, and an elderly gentleman upon whom the saw was being used.

    No, this wasn't the middle east. While it's true they were beginning with the head, they were sawing the fellow top-to-bottom, not cross-wise.

    After a few minutes, the Doc suggested we go to his office to finish our discussion - I have to admit being relieved.

    Looking back, I wonder if the secretary was smiling because she liked me, or because she was playing a trick they probably use on every new salesman.

    I also, in hindsight, I could have handled it better myself.

    First thing out of my mouth should have been "Grandpa! Is that you?!?"

  20. #1380
    A couple of Good Ol Boys were drinkin' in a West Texas crossroads Bar, when after they had one too many, decided they'd better head for home. They jumped in the pickup and headed down the road, but as the beers took hold they stopped on a bridge over a medium sized little creek to off load some cargo. And they as they stood side by side, peeing over the side of the bridge one of them said to the other.. "Boy that water is cold!!!" The other Ol Boy, realizing what was going on replied. "Yeah......... and deep too". God Bless all the Good Ol Boys in the World.............. 'Cause the water's pretty deep where I live too............

  21. #1381
    I mall walk....... not every day but a lot... for me!!

    Anyway we usually go before the mall is open but on one day I was late and the mall was opening before I was done. As I passed by a shoe store the clerk was pushing out a display table with many different shoes on it. As it was stretching across the floor one of the shoes fell off. It's making and escape I said to him.. He replied "Yeah, like it's alive" "Well" I said. "It does have a sole"
    I did not slow down to hear the groan....................

  22. #1382
    A ship sank and all the passengers are in the water... A daddy great white takes his son to the scene to show him how to eat people...

    First we swim around them with just the tip of our fin showing....then after a while we swim around them with our whole fin showing...then we swim right through them for a while...Then we go in and eat them.

    While they are eating the people baby shark asks "Why do we spend all that time swimming around them?"

    Dad answers "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first..."

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