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  1. #1361
    Fred Astaire Cuts Loose: 1970 Oscars

  2. #1362
    Top 10 Iconic Fred Astaire Dance Scenes

  3. #1363
    The Most Important Food for Surviving SHTF

  4. #1364
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Texas & Florida

    12 It's math, so it must be true!

    Proud member Alt-Right group "Scientists For Trump". (Smart Americans know he's right.)
    A man should only take a wife whose Bible includes Genesis, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Colossians, Malachi, Isaiah, Ephesians, Corinthians, Hebrews, Timothy, Titus, Proverbs, Mark, Peter & Revelation. Ecclesiastes 7:28 (NIV) tells him the odds.

  5. #1365
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Texas & Florida

    Insensitive as h*ll, but still kind of funny...

    And, can you imagine the size of the balls on the guy who dared to draw this?!?

    Proud member Alt-Right group "Scientists For Trump". (Smart Americans know he's right.)
    A man should only take a wife whose Bible includes Genesis, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Colossians, Malachi, Isaiah, Ephesians, Corinthians, Hebrews, Timothy, Titus, Proverbs, Mark, Peter & Revelation. Ecclesiastes 7:28 (NIV) tells him the odds.

  6. #1366

  7. #1367
    Fishing for Chinook Salmon - British Columbia

  8. #1368
    There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

    Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical

    Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

    GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?

    BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on her rear end and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

    I trust this clears up any confusion.

    Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

  9. #1369
    Boarding A Plane In Israel

    TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

    It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

    Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

    You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

    "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"

  10. #1370
    The women at the gas station, the most amusing cases 2016-2017

  11. #1371
    Lost in the desert

    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
    Afghanistan desert when he saw
    something far off in the distance.

    Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a
    little old Jewish man sitting at a
    card-table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "My thirst is
    killing me. Do you have water?" The
    Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
    are only $150. This one goes
    very nicely with your robes."

    The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need
    "OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy
    a tie, and that you insult me. I
    will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill
    to the east for about two miles,
    you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant
    has all the water you need!"

    The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.
    Four hours later the Arab came
    crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew
    said, "I told you, about two miles
    over that hill. Could you not find it?

    "I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in
    without a tie"

  12. #1372
    A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

    He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

    "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

    For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

    Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service

  13. #1373
    Dear Employees:

    As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas,
    we are forced to cut down on our amount of personnel. Under this plan,
    older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting
    the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore,
    a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
    fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

    This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

    Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look
    for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a
    review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
    This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

    SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
    All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED
    may file an appeal with upper management.

    This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
    Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
    SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

    If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
    HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
    or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

    As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
    received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

    Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on
    board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
    Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount of
    **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more
    **** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do
    not receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate manager.

    Your manager is specially trained to make sure you receive
    all the **** you can stand.

    And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

  14. #1374
    A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

    Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised to pay a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

    To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would arrange then for child support payments to begin.

    One day about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

    Honey, she said, "You received a very strange postcard today." "Oh just give it to me and I'll e xplain it," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

    On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti . Two with meatballs, one without."

  15. #1375
    Think you are having a bad day?

    Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

    A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

    It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

    You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

    Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

    Still think you're having a bad day?

    A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

    His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

    While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

    After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage doneto his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

    The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

    As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

    Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

    The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdezoil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

    Still think you are having a bad day?

    A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

    STILL think you're having a bad day?

    Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

    What?! STILL having a bad day??

    Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

    There now, feeling better?

  16. #1376
    Keep The Saddle

    It was Saturday morning as Robert, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife Deb, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

    Robert asks her, "What are you up to?"
    Deb smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
    Robert, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

    Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of Eugene , Oregon.
    Robert sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it, and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

    Robert walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Deb couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.

    Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Robert starts running back. As Robert gets closer to her stand, he hears Deb screaming, "Get away from my deer!"

    Confused and frightened, Robert races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

    Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Robert is surprised to see a Oregon game warden with his hands high in the air.

    The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

  17. #1377
    Are You Poor or Just Broke | Wranglerstar

  18. #1378
    Lt. Gen Hal Moore's 1993 return to LZ Xray in the Ia Drang Valley - "They Were Young and Brave"

  19. #1379
    This happened back when I was young and trying to be a salesman.

    I represented a company which made equipment for the medical industry, so I was sent out to the local medical college to see Dr. ___.

    I found his office, and his secretary gave me a little smile and pointed down the hall.

    "He's finishing up with some students right now, you're welcome to join 201."

    So I say thanks, and head for room 201. Sure enough, there's the Doc (easily recognized, since he was the second oldest person in the room, and wearing a white coat.) There were also five students taking notes, a sixth wielding a Craftsman carpenter's saw, and an elderly gentleman upon whom the saw was being used.

    No, this wasn't the middle east. While it's true they were beginning with the head, they were sawing the fellow top-to-bottom, not cross-wise.

    After a few minutes, the Doc suggested we go to his office to finish our discussion - I have to admit being relieved.

    Looking back, I wonder if the secretary was smiling because she liked me, or because she was playing a trick they probably use on every new salesman.

    I also, in hindsight, I could have handled it better myself.

    First thing out of my mouth should have been "Grandpa! Is that you?!?"

  20. #1380
    A couple of Good Ol Boys were drinkin' in a West Texas crossroads Bar, when after they had one too many, decided they'd better head for home. They jumped in the pickup and headed down the road, but as the beers took hold they stopped on a bridge over a medium sized little creek to off load some cargo. And they as they stood side by side, peeing over the side of the bridge one of them said to the other.. "Boy that water is cold!!!" The other Ol Boy, realizing what was going on replied. "Yeah......... and deep too". God Bless all the Good Ol Boys in the World.............. 'Cause the water's pretty deep where I live too............

  21. #1381
    I mall walk....... not every day but a lot... for me!!

    Anyway we usually go before the mall is open but on one day I was late and the mall was opening before I was done. As I passed by a shoe store the clerk was pushing out a display table with many different shoes on it. As it was stretching across the floor one of the shoes fell off. It's making and escape I said to him.. He replied "Yeah, like it's alive" "Well" I said. "It does have a sole"
    I did not slow down to hear the groan....................

  22. #1382
    A ship sank and all the passengers are in the water... A daddy great white takes his son to the scene to show him how to eat people...

    First we swim around them with just the tip of our fin showing....then after a while we swim around them with our whole fin showing...then we swim right through them for a while...Then we go in and eat them.

    While they are eating the people baby shark asks "Why do we spend all that time swimming around them?"

    Dad answers "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first..."

  23. #1383

    Unbroken" a continuation of "Forget Me Knot" portrays the deep connection and love my parents, Dave and Kim Egdorf hold for a wilderness they've known for over 30 years. It depicts and shares the experiences had by myself, our clientele and the guides working hard to make the family business what it is today. From broken boat motors, to moose and bears, to big fish, "Unbroken" is the story of a family living in remote Alaska for 4 months every year and sharing it with others. It was an honor to have it as an official selection the 2014 International Fly Fishing Film Festival. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. -Camille

    Run time about 20:00 mi

  24. #1384
    I want to live my next life backwards:

    You start out dead and get that out of the way.

    Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

    Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

    Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

    Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

    You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

    You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

    Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

    Then you become a baby, and then...

    You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

    You finish off as an orgasm.

    I rest my case, sounds like a better plan than the one I am on now.

  25. #1385
    Im a new member to arboristsite and im lovin' it !!
    Thought i might start the ball rolling with a bit of humour.

    Jenny is a mother of five, after having all those children she decides its time to have a bit of surgery "downstairs", just to tighten things up a bit. Her husband willingly agrees.

    Jenny has the surgery and awakens in the recovery room, she looks down at the end of the bed and discovers 3 long stemmed roses placed neatly.

    Jenny calls the recovery nurse over and asks "excuse me nurse who are the roses from".
    The nurse replies "well the first rose is from the surgeon, he just wanted to thank you for being a model patient, and to let you know that the operation was a complete sucess".

    Jenny then asks "well what about the other roses".
    The nurse says "the second rose is from your husband, he was so happy to hear that the operation was a sucess, and he can't wait for you to return home."

    "And the third rose" asks Jenny.
    "Oh that ones from Brian, he's in the Burns Unit and wanted to say thanks for the new lips and ears".

  26. #1386

    The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab
    had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a
    rhetorical question.

    "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"

    I replied, "I had a drug problem when I was young:

    I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and

    I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

    I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.

    I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie,
    brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the
    teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything
    that was asked of me.

    I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I
    uttered a profanity.

    I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out
    of dad's fields.

    I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor
    soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some
    firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip
    for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

    Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I
    do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if
    today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better

    God bless the parents who drugged us."

  27. #1387
    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
    students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

    Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
    3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
    grade too!"

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
    principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
    give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
    to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
    agreed to take the test.

    Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

    Harry: "9."

    Principal: "What i s 6 x 6?"

    Harry: "36."

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
    should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brook s and tells her, "I think Harry can go
    to the 3rd grade."

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

    Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

    Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: "Pockets."

    Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"

    Harry: "Pants."

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
    delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

    Harry: "Coconut."

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
    answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

    Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
    and a dog does on three legs?"

    Harry: "Shake hands."

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
    a lot of heat and excitement?"

    Harry: "Firetruck."

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
    in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

  28. #1388
    The Road to Nowhere
    Drunk couple and their attempt to climb a flight of stairs with their drinks.

  29. #1389

  30. #1390
    Dear Diary,

    I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was
    when we were first married. Yes, it's cliche but it's true.
    It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. Recently, after
    an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery.She smiled a warm smile and looked at me as if I were an angel of light delivering divine revelation.

    "Well," she said as her voice took on an ethereal grace, "I
    believe it is a reflection of my heart. That the joy and
    love I feel are manifest in my cooking, in my gardening, in
    our child, in everything! I believe all things in life
    turn out well if they are done soulfully and honestly."

    "Damn, baby," I said, my head awhirl at the thoughts and
    sounds from the woman next to me. "I'm going to call our doctor and tell him he has finally nailed the combination of Prozac, Lithium and Paxil."

  31. #1391
    A little boy in first grade starts a science project.

    He gets two turtles and feeds them different foods to see how they react.

    After a week he notices one is not moving. Alarmed, he runs to his dad and asks if they have any Viagra in the house.

    His dad asks what for and the boy says, "It's for my science project - I have a reptile dysfunction!"

  32. #1392
    A man was crossing a rosd one day when a frog called out to him and said, "if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over , picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING that you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "what is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I will stay with you for a year and do any thing that you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The man said, "look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING FROG IS COOL."

  33. #1393
    Doc steps in to see his next patient. John is sitting there in the gown all hunched over and dejected.

    "What's the problem, John?

    "Well, I would like to tell you but no other doctor's have been able to help. They just laugh"

    "Come on, John, I'm a professional, been everywhere, seen everything. I am sure your problem can't be that bad.

    "Okay but don't laugh!"

    He stands, opens the gown and points at his crotch with tears in his eyes. The doc looks and sees it is only the size of a peanut. A grin begins, stretches, he chuckles, guffaws. Laughs aloud. Finally manages to control himself, wipes his eyes.

    "Geez, John, I'm sorry. That has never happened to me before. Again, I apologize. What's the problem"

    John with tears in his eyes again points to his crotch..."It's swollen"

  34. #1394
    Last summer We had these Texan ranchers come up to fishing club, All they talked about how everything is bigger in Texas.

    He asked me if I owned any land here in Quebec. I said yes I have a fifty acre lot with my house on it.

    He laughed at me and said" boy where I live I can get in my truck and drive all day and not see the other side of my property" I replied " so I have a truck just like that"

  35. #1395
    A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
    "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course.

    What may I do for you?"

    "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
    mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
    I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

    Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?

    Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

    "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

    When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

    The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

    "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
    declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do
    you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

    "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

    Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

  36. #1396
    Old but a good one.

    There Was A Man Robbing A House.

    As He Was Robbing He Heard A Voice Say Jesus Is Watching You Jesus Is Watching You.

    He Looked Around And No One Was There.

    He Heard The Voice Again Saying Jesus Is Watching You Jesus Is Watching You.

    He Looked Around And He Saw A parrot.

    He Asked The Parrot What His Name Was.

    The Parrot Said Moses.

    The Robber Asked What Kind Of People Name A Parrot Moses?

    The parrot Responded By Saying The Same Kind Who Name A Rottweiler Jesus.

  37. #1397
    I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
    all use a little more calmness in our lives at this hectic time of year.
    By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find
    Inner peace.

    Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
    the things you've started and never finished."

    So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
    finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
    Bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
    Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my
    old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a
    box of Russell Stovers Chocolates.

    You have no idea how freaking good I feel

  38. #1398
    The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man
    answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

    "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
    said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

    The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some
    good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

    Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
    The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your
    wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

    "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good

    The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound
    king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

    Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great

    The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow

  39. #1399
    Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

    "Yes. What can I do for you?"

    "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin'
    marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
    them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

    "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

    The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
    search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
    every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

    Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

    "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... did the Sheriff come?

    "Did they chop your firewood?"


    "Happy Birthday, buddy!"

  40. #1400
    1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
    2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
    3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
    4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
    5. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
    6. Life is sexually transmitted.
    7. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
    8. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
    9. Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
    10. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
    11. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
    12. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
    13. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
    14. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
    15. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
    16. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
    17. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
    18. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
    19. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
    20. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
    21. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
    22. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when ou get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
    23. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
    24. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
    25. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
    26. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
    27. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
    28. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
    29. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
    30. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
    31. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
    32. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


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