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MAKE ME LAUGH!
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Thread: MAKE ME LAUGH!

  1. #1321
    A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway, and he started chasing after the speeder. When he got close, he saw that it was a woman who was knitting while driving.

    The cop yelled, "Pull over!"

    She shouted back, "No, it's a sweater!"

  2. #1322
    Plowing with a mule

    A salesman was driving down a country road when he spotted a farmer plowing with a mule.

    Thinking to himself ,"you don't see this anymore" , he stopped to watch.

    While he was watching, the farmer stopped the mule walked up behind it and raised the mules tail and kissed it's ass.

    The salesman bolted from his car , climbed the fence and asked the farmer what he did that for?

    The farmer replied, "chapped lips!"

    The salesman said , "that won't cure chapped lips".

    The farmer said, I know that , but it keeps me from licking them

  3. #1323
    A male frog goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

    The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

    "No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."

  4. #1324
    Little Johnny Meets the President of the United States

    Lil' Johnny Meets Barack

    Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

    One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
    "No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."

    A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

    "I'm afraid not,' explained Obama.
    'That's what we would call great loss."

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

    Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

    "Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

    "Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it probably wasn't an accident either."

  5. #1325
    A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten. "

    The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

    The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

    They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

    She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."

    The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

  6. #1326
    A cabbie picks up a Nun.

    She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

    She asks him why he is staring.

    He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

    She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.

    When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

    'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

    She responds,

    'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

    The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

    ‘OK’ the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

    The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

    'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I'm Jewish.'

    The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

  7. #1327
    I went to see that Obama Movie yesterday.

    Couldn't remember the name.

    So I watched 30 minutes of Resident Evil before I realized I was in the wrong theater.

    Resident Evil. The title sounded right.

  8. #1328
    God Bless America" Flash Mob with Denver Brass

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDdY46iAwHI

  9. #1329
    The moment NBC News *REALIZES* Trump has WON FLORIDA!!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7qosAgxlf0

  10. #1330
    Paul Hogan's awesome speech at the Oscars

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtxZeDYuEZI

  11. #1331
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    south Texas Gulf coast
    Posts
    285
    This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend."I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I'm sending him over."

    The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

    "A female horth," the midget replies.

    So the owner shows him one.
    "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?"

    So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

    "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?"

    So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

    "OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

    "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up in the horses butt, then pulls him out.

    Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapths I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"
    It's kinda hard to work within the system when it's a septic system.

    There's one thing worse than a wolf in sheep's clothing. That's a wolf in sheepdog's clothing.

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