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  1. #881
    Comedy - Red Skelton - Two Highway Patrolmen & Two Texans & Frogs

  2. #882
    Red Skelton And Walter Brennan

  3. #883
    The Old Sheriff - Tim Conway and Harvey Korman

  4. #884
    Found this story online. Sounds true.

    This is what all of us 70+ year olds, and yet-to-be kids have to
    look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted
    living center.

    The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a
    central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for
    breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if
    everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said
    that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to
    the dining area.

    An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his
    room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs
    but was having a very hard time. He had a death grip on the hand rail
    and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told
    him she going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in
    any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the
    rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

    When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get
    up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple
    hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

    The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in
    one leg of his boxer shorts.

  5. #885
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Three Contractors Bid On Repair To The White House Fence.

    One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.

    All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

    The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

    “Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me.ˇ

    The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000.

    That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

    The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."

    The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up withsuch a high figure?

    The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.ˇ

    "Done!" replies the government official.

    And that, my friends, is how the Government works.

  6. #886
    Gorilla hunting

    Quite some years ago, a rich hunter paid an extravagant amount for a safari in Africa, the object of which was to hunt the great Mountain Gorilla. The outfitter equipped him with a huge native guide, Nagumba, and an even huger brindled hunting dog. After Nagumba watched the hunter carefully sight in his rifle, the three headed for the bush, in gorilla territory.

    The first day, they spotted a great male gorilla. The dog immediately charged the gorilla, chasing it up to the very top of a tall tree. Nagumba deftly climbed up the tree into a position just under the gorilla, and began shaking the branches violently. After a few minutes, the gorilla lost it’s grip on the branch, and came tumbling down to the ground. Before the hunter could shoot, the dog immediately leaped on the gorilla, grabbed it by the crotch, took out a mighty bite which included all that made the male gorilla male. The gorilla quickly expired, and was duly skinned and packed for taxidermy.

    The next day, the same thing happened. The dog treed a gorilla, Nagumba shook it out of the tree, but before bwana could shoot, the dog grabbed the gorilla by the crotch, and killed it. The hunter didn’t say anything, but clearly wasn’t happy that he hadn’t gotten in on the kill.

    The third day, when the same thing happened, after the dog had finished, the hunter expressed his dismay to Nagumba, saying he might as well leave his rifle in camp, as he apparently wasn’t going to get the opportunity to use it! Nagumba assured him that his presence with the rifle was most essential during the hunt, and that he should keep it very clean and make sure it was loaded at all times while they were in the field.

    Well, the fourth day, they spotted an especially huge and fine example of male gorillahood, which the dog quickly treed. Nagumba scurried up the tree right behind the gorilla and began shaking it. But this time, the gorilla started shaking the tree, himself, so eventually it was Nagumba who lost his grip and came tumbling down through the branches. As he fell, the hunter could hear him screaming, “Quick! Shoot the dog! Shoot the dog!”

  7. #887
    Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they
    struck up a conversation.

    The black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are
    you here?"

    The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a p*sser. I p*ss on everything....the sofa,
    the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when
    I p*ssed in the middle of my owner's bed."

    The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

    "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon
    it'll calm me down."

    The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked "So why are you

    The black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
    and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
    carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole
    in my owner's couch.”

    "So what are they going to do to you?" the yellow Lab inquired.

    "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected black Lab said.

    The black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you

    "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
    cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
    everything I see."

    “Yesterday my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending
    down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her
    back and started hammering away".

    The black and the yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's
    nuts off for you too, huh?"

    The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped."

  8. #888
    Two eggs in boiling water.
    One says "I have a huge crack".

    The second one says "Stop teasing me, you know I'm not hard yet".

  9. #889
    13, 13, 13

    I was walking down the street the other day, past the mental hospital.

    It had an 8 foot privacy fence surrounding it.

    I heard a group of people inside the fence shouting "Thirteen. Thirteen. Thirteen."

    My curiosity got the best of me, and I peeked through a knothole in the fence.

    Somebody poked me in the eye!

    As I was jumping up and down holding my injured eye, they started shouting "Fourteen. Fourteen. Fourteen."

  10. #890
    A touching story on how men think

    As she sat by his hospital bed , he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

    You have been with me all through the bad times.

    When I got fired, you were there to support me.

    When my business failed, you were there.

    When I got shot, you were by my side.

    When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

    When my health started failing, you were still by my side ...

    You know what, Martha?"

    "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

    "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.

  11. #891
    Wives don't forget old boyfriends.

    A husband took his wife to a dance club on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor, giving it his all, living large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works...

    The wife turned to her husband and said: "See that guy? 35 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

    The husband says "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

  12. #892
    Garnet Owens, 82 from Louisville, KY, decided to test drive a brand new convertible Corvette on a beautiful spring day. He took the interstate south and hit the gas until he reached 90 MPH. He enjoyed the firm ride and wind blowing across his face which made him feel he was once again in control. He increased his speed to 100MPH, 110MPH, then 120MPH until he saw flashing lights in his rear view mirror. He pulled over to the side of the highway with the police close behind. When the Trooper approached and saw the elderly man behind the steering wheel and said, "This is Friday and my shift ends in a half hour. If you can give me an excuse for speeding that I've never heard before, I might just let you go."

    The old man said without hesitation, "I thought you were the Kentucky State Trooper my wife ran away with years ago and were trying to give her back to me!"

  13. #893
    Know your neighbor......

    **** had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

    He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

    Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it anda huge, bearded man in a red plaid shirt is standing there.

    'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty milesup the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you
    might like to come at about 5:00....'

    'Great', says Rick, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

    As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

    'Not a problem' says Rick.. 'After 25 yearsin the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

    Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ' More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

    'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there.. Thanks

    'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

    'Now that's really not a problem' says Rick, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone forsix months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

    'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

  14. #894
    Paul Harvey tells about the boy who was not allowed inside the house of a boy from "the right side of the track" - Elvis Presley... A short picture show.

  15. #895
    A C-130 Cargo Plane was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
    The jet jockey decided to show off.

    The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'Hey Trash Hauler, Watch THIS!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a loop and a dive where he produced a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
    The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

    The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch THIS!'

    The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?

    'Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

    The C-130 pilot chuckled.
    'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back,
    took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

    When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!
    When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

    Us older folks understand this one,
    it's called S.O.S. Slower, Older and Smarter.....

  16. #896
    New Student

    Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

    After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

    His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

    Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

    She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?'

    Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

  17. #897
    Life Insurance
    Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency.

    During the discussion, she asked. “Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”

    The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably a life sentence.”

  18. #898
    College Exam
    A college professor was giving a big science test. Upon collecting the tests she noticed a note attached to one of them with a $100 bill underneath it.

    The note read, “One dollar per point please.”

    The professor returned the test the following with $40 and a note attached.

    The note read, “Here’s your $40 change.”

  19. #899
    A group of married friends are at a bar with their husbands for dinner and drinks. The couples chat about different topics, but eventually they switch seats so that all the men sit together and talk about sports and cars, while the women complain about their husbands to one another.

    One of the female, clearly exasperated with her marriage and spouse, states loudly for all to hear:
    “Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner.”

    Hearing that statement, the woman’s husband retorted loudly:
    “And women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating

  20. #900
    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

    He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

    The guy’s curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he’s doing.

    “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

    “But why?” asks the man.

    “I’m a divorce attorney.”

  21. #901
    A man is driving in America when he picks up a Navajo man hitchhiking.

    They are making small talk when the Navajo notices a brown paper bag with something in it.

    The driver notices his glance and explains, “That’s a bottle of wine I got for my wife.”

    The Navajo man nods solemnly, “Good trade.”

  22. #902
    On the way home from an office party, a wife said to her middle aged husband: “Have I ever told you how sexy and irresistible to women you are?”

    “I don’t believe you have dear,” he replied flattered.

    “Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?”

  23. #903
    Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.

    One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

    The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

    The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”

    She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

  24. #904
    A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia.
    There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
    In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
    "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
    "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
    He looked toward the courtroom door.
    The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
    A minute passed. Nothing happened.
    Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.
    But you all looked on with anticipation.
    I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.
    A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
    "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
    Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look.

    But your client didn’t."

  25. #905
    Baseball in Heaven?

    Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship. The friend says, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.”

    The dying man responds, “We’ve been friends for a lifetime, so yes, I’ll do this for you.” And then he dies.

    A few days later, the surviving friend is sleeping, when he hears his friend’s voice.

    “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” it says. “The good news is: there’s baseball in heaven.”

    “What’s the bad news?”

    “You’re pitching on Wednesday.”

  26. #906
    On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister.

    “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?”

    “Absolutely not!” replied the pastor.

    “In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the five hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.”

  27. #907
    One night a lady with a black eye stumbled into a police station. She told the desk sergeant that she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold.

    An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye.

    “Did you get hit by the same attacker?” his captain asked.

    “No, sir,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.”

  28. #908
    Coffee with Jesus

    A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes"! So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

    The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

    The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

    The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!"

    He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"

    The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.

    As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord. Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.

    Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm on disability."

  29. #909
    ack Daniel's Fishing Story

    I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

    Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

    Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

    A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

    Life is good in the South.

  30. #910
    Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

    As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin .

    Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to, and there was his doctor, Sven.

    "Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da shot."

    "What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.

    "The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive shot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

    "Well, I guess the news could be worse," says Lyle.

    “Your sister's a plastic surgeon?"

    “Well, not exactly," Sven says.

    "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra, and since Trump took away your Obamacare, she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

  31. #911
    The Wreck called Hillary Clinton

    A parody about the treachery of the Clintons throughout the years and their ultimate political demise at the hands of Donald Trump. Sung to the tune of "The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald".

  32. #912
    California style problems.

    Los Angeles reportedly doesn’t have enough Spanish-speaking judges to adjudicate the cases involving illegal aliens. The language barrier merely adds to the cultural confusion. Yesterday, two Mexican guys showed up in L.A. court for their deportation hearing, and the judge married them.

  33. #913
    Adding Oil To the Car Engine

    It's gotta be just like adding cooking oil, right?

  34. #914
    You gotta be kidding me

    if you ever wondered who was first to use the saying "You gotta be kidding me", here's the story behind it....

    Way back in the day, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with 32 of his troops. They were packed into the boat.
    It was extremely dark and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth. Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.

    He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
    Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.

    An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. After awhile, Washington and his men could go no further.

    One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

    General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
    The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.

    Washington spoke up, "Ma'am, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while.
    Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
    Washington said, "Well ma'am, there are thirty two of us, without Peters."

    To which the astounded madam replied, "You gotta to be kidding me?"

  35. #915
    Why Do We Call it Good Friday?, 2129


  36. #916
    Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

    With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom.

    “Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!”

    The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

    “What’s wrong?” he asks.

    She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

  37. #917
    Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn’t caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one “How come you’ve been catching all them there fish and I ain’t caught a single one?”

    Guy number one replied, ” I don’t know…. why don’t ya come on over here?”

    “I don’t know…. I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well”

    Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, “Why don’t you walk across this here beam of light?”

    Guy number two replies “You think I’m stupid? When I get half way you’ll turn it off!!!”

  38. #918

  39. #919
    The Brewmasters for several of the major breweries got together at a Convention one evening, and went out that evening to talk shop.

    They went into a Tavern. The Brewmaster from Anhauser-Busch ordered a Bud Lite. The Brewmaster from Coors ordered a Coors Lite. The Brewmaster from Miller ordered a Miller Lite.

    The Brewmaster from Guinness ordered a Coke.

    The other three looked at him in shock, and he just smiled, and said "Hey. If none of you are going to drink beer, I won't either."

  40. #920
    Landing on the Sun

    Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

    A reporter said, "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?”

    There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

    Kim Jong-Un quietly answered, "We will land at night”.

    The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.


    Back in Washington, Nancy Pelosi and her entourage were watching the news conference

    When Pelosi heard what Kim said, she sneered, "What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”

    Her office and everyone working in the DNC broke into thunderous applause.


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