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MAKE ME LAUGH!
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Thread: MAKE ME LAUGH!

  1. #841
    Interview with the General

    I'm taking this as an accurate report. Guess it's funny regardless of whether it's fact or not...

    For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian. General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

    Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

    This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
    ...The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

  2. #842
    A List Of Obama's Accomplishments As First Black President...

    Quit trashing Obama's accomplishments. He has done more than any president before him. Here is a list of his impressive accomplishments:

    = First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.

    = First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.

    = First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.

    = First President to violate the War Powers Act.

    = First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.

    = First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party.

    = First President to spend a trillion dollars on “shovel-ready” jobs when there was no such thing as “shovel-ready” jobs.

    = First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.

    = First President to by-pass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.

    = First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S., including those with criminal convictions.

    = First President to demand a company hand-over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.

    = First President to tell a CEO of a major corporation (Chrysler) to resign.

    = First President to terminate America’s ability to put a man in space.

    = First President to cancel the National Day of Prayer and to say that America is no longer a Christian nation.

    = First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.

    = First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.

    = First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke out on the reasons for their rate increases.

    = First President to tell a major manufacturing company in which state it is allowed to locate a factory.

    = First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).

    = First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.

    = First President to actively try to bankrupt an American industry (coal).

    = First President to fire an inspector general of AmeriCorps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.

    = First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.

    = First President to surround himself with radical left wing anarchists.

    = First President to golf more than 150 separate times in his five years in office.

    = First President to hide his birth, medical, educational and travel records.

    = First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.

    = First President to go on multiple “global apology tours” and concurrent “insult our friends” tours.

    = First President to go on over 17 lavish vacations, in addition to date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends paid for by the taxpayers.

    = First President to have personal servants (taxpayer funded) for his wife.

    = First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at taxpayer expense.

    = First President to fly in a personal trainer from Chicago at least once a week at taxpayer expense.

    = First President to repeat the Holy Quran and tell us the early morning call of the Azan (Islamic call to worship) is the most beautiful sound on earth

    = First President to side with a foreign nation over one of the American 50 states (Mexico vs Arizona).

    = First President to tell the military men and women that they should pay for their own private insurance because they “volunteered to go to war and knew the consequences.”

    = Then he was the First President to tell the members of the military that THEY were UNPATRIOTIC for balking at the last suggestion. (Thank God he didn’t get away with THIS one.)

    = First president to allow Iran to inspect their own facilities.

    = First president to have blood on his hands from Benghazi to the assassinations of several police officers.

    = First president to trade 5 terrorist for a traitor

    = First president to facilitate the Iranians to acquire nuclear weapons.

    = First president to light up the White House in rainbow colors to honor men that lust after other men’s rear ends.

    = First president to put young children in danger by forcing states to allow men in women’s restroom and showers.

    = First president to marry a man.

    = First president to smoke crack cocaine in the White House.

    = First President to have been sodomized by a transsexual in the White House.

    So, in light of all these wonderful, amazing and glorious achievements, all I'm asking is that you give a Dindu a break.

  3. #843
    Pastor's 5 year old son

    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather. and unto the Sonnn….. and into the hole he gooooes.”

  4. #844
    Top 5 Banned Commercials Hot Funny Ads 2017
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KArf9EdM2c

  5. #845
    Moments You Wouldn’t Believe if They Weren’t Recorded

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GMmT0kK9h0

  6. #846
    Very Funny moments caught on camera video

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSlSCZOEJI8

  7. #847
    Mike Snider - Banjer Funnyman

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EiFwgvcuDw

  8. #848

  9. #849
    A man and his wife moved back home to North Dakota from Arizona .




    The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00
    a year!!!




    When they arrived in North Dakota , they went to Sven's Insurance
    agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.




    Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple,"$39.00."




    The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in North
    Dakota to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona !!!




    Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here
    is it on the screen, direct from Ole's North Dakota Fire Insurance
    Company , it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system
    over it, is $39.00".




    I always did find North Dakota logic far superior to most others.

  10. #850
    Congressman Blowhard was deep in a strategy session with his campaign team, preparing for the election less than a month away.

    An intern came running in, exclaiming "Turn on the TV! The President just announced that a meteor is going destroy Earth in 40 days, and there's no way to stop it!"

    Everyone around the table got quiet. "What are we going to do", someone finally asked.

    "There's so little time left" gasped a woman pregnant with her first child.

    An older staffer sighed, and said "There's no question about it. Our lives and our whole world are at stake, and we need to think about what's important.".





    Blowhard chimed in...

    "I agree. So how can we spin this to help us in the polls?".

  11. #851
    Cops have new plan for ferguson Protesters.

    I heard they are going to disperse the crowds by dropping job applications out
    of helicopters!

  12. #852

  13. #853
    Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way to the office.

    At 10 a.m., the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses.

    At 1 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.

    Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

    The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!"

  14. #854
    The Steve Allen Show - Lou Costello and Jonathon Winters 6/23/1957

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uv87xDb8jaI

  15. #855
    politics explained

    Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim that an Unidentified flying object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
    This is a Well-known incident that many say has long been reportedly covered up by
    the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.
    However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

    Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.
    Hillary Rodham
    John F. Kerry
    William Jefferson Clinton
    Howard Dean
    Nancy Pelosi
    Dianne Feinstein
    Charles E. Schumer
    Barbara Boxer
    See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
    Certainly hope this piece of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me

  16. #856
    From the middle of Pacific, a steamer passing.
    One of the passenger show to the steamer captain an tiny island. On that island, a man jump, shake a huge flag, make a huge fire, bla bla.
    The passenger ask the captain
    - Who is that man?
    - I don't know, but he is very happy when we passing around.

  17. #857
    The Young Farmer Guy

    A young farmer type guy, took his new cow with him, to the neighbors farm, to breed it with their bull.

    The neighbor's cute daughter took him and his cow, out to the corral, and put the cow in with the bull.

    The bull immediately went to work on the cow while the farmer guy and the daughter watched. Smiling the farmer guy turned to the daughter, and said, "boy I sure would like to be doing what that bull is doing".

    The daughter stepped back, and smiled, and said "really".

    The farmer guy grinned and said, "I sure would!"

    Hearing this, the daughter spun around and headed back to the house, and yelled back, "it's your cow, you can do anything you want!"

  18. #858
    GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE

    A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?”

    She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

    "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?

    "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

    "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?’

    "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.”

    The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?”

    "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

    "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?’

    "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

    "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

    "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

    "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

  19. #859
    A train goes every night from New York to Chicago. It's an all sleeper train. It leaves New York at midnight, gets to Chicago 9:00 in the morning.

    A man gets in, checks into his berth, getting ready for the evening. It's an all sleeper train. Suddenly the door opens, and the next passenger comes in and it's a woman.

    Now normally, Amtrak would not sell a ticket on a sleeper train to a man and a woman who are not man and wife. But the woman did not object, the train was sold out. And she got into the lower berth, the man gets into the upper berth, and the train begins its trek to Chicago.

    After awhile the man says to the woman I'm feeling a little cool up here would you mind passing me a blanket.

    She says you mean just this once like husband and wife?

    He says yes man and wife.

    She says ok then get your own damn blanket

  20. #860
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Location
    "outside the box"
    Posts
    27,313

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGxZ6AjvFs0
    42 seconds

    Jan 22, 2018
    Ouch: When Trying To Pet An Alligator Goes Wrong

  21. #861
    Dog Jumps Through Door at Solicitor

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7xmGjkAIWE


    Ohio Residents DESTROY Neighbors Vehicle!!!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yflcyrUEfc

  22. #862
    4x4 Recovery Fail



    Truly, nothing brings so much pleasure and satisfaction to humans as the misery of others.



    https://www.liveleak.com/view?i=493_1516521297

  23. #863

  24. #864

  25. #865
    Jeanne Robertson "Don't send a man to the grocery store!"

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YFRUSTiFUs

  26. #866
    Jeanne Robertson "Don't go rafting without a Baptist in the boat!"

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TeUdZ2VkG30

  27. #867

  28. #868
    First appearance of Tim Conway's Oldest Man character

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_9RWUV8MvA

  29. #869
    A Mix Of The Best Foghorn Leghorn Toons

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9x_FzCWl2nc

  30. #870
    When you're 70, who cares?

    I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.

    This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,

    "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

    I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

    She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

    I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

    Cost me 6 stitches...but,

    When you’re seventy..............who cares?

    **********
    I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

    Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;

    I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

    When you’re seventy..............who cares?

    ***********
    I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.

    She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;

    I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;

    Cost me a fat lip, but...

    When you’re seventy...............who cares?

    **********
    I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

    "Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

    After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

    I said, "Yesterday."

    Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

    When you’re seventy...............who cares?

    *********
    I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

    The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

    When you’re seventy...............who cares?

    **********
    I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table..

    I said, "Good legs."

    The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

    Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

    When you’re seventy...............who cares?

  31. #871
    An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

    The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

    The father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

    The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, ordered his son, “Go get your Mother”.

  32. #872
    A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn’t want to spend a lot of money. “How much do they cost?” he asked the salesman.

    “Anything from $2 to $2,000.”

    “Can I see the $2 model?” said the customer.

    The salesman put the device around the man’s neck, and said: “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into the back of your shirt.”

    “How does it work?” asked the customer.

    “For $2, it doesn’t work,” said the salesman. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder.”

  33. #873
    One Monday morning, Shane the mailman, was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

    “Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” Shane commented.

    David, in obvious pain, replied, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o’clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”

    Shane thought for a moment and said, “How do you play WHO AM I?”

    “Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

    The mailman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun, I’m sorry I missed it.”

    “Probably a good thing you did,” David responded, “Your name came up 7 times.”

  34. #874
    A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a local church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation.

    Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help.

    The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”

    The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.

    The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door.

    “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.

    “Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, and the Lord said, ‘I am sorry, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”

  35. #875
    Fence repair

    Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House
    in D.C. One from Illinois, another fromTennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

    The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

    The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

    The Illinois contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700"

    The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

    The Illinois contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

    "Done !", replies the government official.

    And that friends, is how it all works !!!

  36. #876
    Black Lives Matter_Black Friday

    Has anyone thought to tell Black Lives Matter they have a Friday named after them?

  37. #877
    The other night at the bar

    I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very
    Hefty, tattooed women talking at the bar.

    Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and
    Asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

    One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

    So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry.
    Are you three whales from Scotland?"

    And that's the last thing I remember...

  38. #878
    Your Most Unexpected Dog.

    If you love dogs, you've probably owned more than one starting when you were a kid. Like people, not every dog is expected.

    Sometimes, dogs just happen. Here's one story:

    We had dogs because we had a ranch. Duh. Our dogs were mostly Rough Collies or Collie/GSD crosses. We raised, trained, and sold AQHA horses to the rodeo trade and working cattle operations so soft-eyed all purpose dogs were our thing.

    But.......we lived on sort of a road that city people might find. You know the rest. People dumped dogs and cats by our land. Well, they were mostly shot or starved because middle sized and big dogs will eventually run stock and we had enough trouble with coyotes. The cats were killed by the coyotes or our barn cats.

    Then there was this dog.

    Like most rural kids, after chores on Saturday I was free as a bird until supper. I went down into this creek-type ditch and saw this "thing". I did not recognize this animal as a dog at first. All our dogs had fur. They basically looked like Lassie.

    This thing had no fur aside from it's ears and snout. It was covered in black freckles. It had open sores. It yerked up snot or something every few minutes. But it ate the sandwich I gave it, wagged a short tail wildly, and let me pick it up and stuff it in a saddle bag.

    I knew my folks would be unenthused.

    I kept the dog in a tool shed for a few days and then came clean to my mother.

    Amazingly, my folks paid for the mange treatment and Vet stuff. He was a he. He was some kind of terrier. He regrew all his hair and was a black and white dog with stiff fur. He loved me and I named him Pal.

    Pal was no Collie and had zero interest in that stuff but he killed his weight in mice and rats and was a rabbit dog beyond belief.

    What was your unexpected dog?

  39. #879
    Woman goes insane over minor accident and threatens police

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVKDU2Hb2mg

  40. #880
    WATCH: WOMAN HAS HUMILIATING BREAKDOWN AFTER TAKING 1 GLANCE AT THE “DUKES OF HAZZARD” CAR

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXzjkVbZSjw

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