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MAKE ME LAUGH!
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Thread: MAKE ME LAUGH!

  1. #801
    One night a dog musher, having spent many days on the trail, pulled into a small town that liked to tease strangers. Seeking refreshment, he entered the tavern and ordered a double whiskey. Sipping it slowly until finished, he walked outside, only to discover that his entire dog team was missing. He turned and walked back into the tavern and pulled a shotgun out from under his large coat. He twirled it on his finger like the Rifleman and fired a shot into the ceiling.

    "I'm going to have another whiskey," he announced in a stern voice, "and when I'm done, I'm going back outside. I'd better see my dog team returned. If it ain't, I'm going to do what I had to do in Misvik, and believe me, I don't like to do what I had to do in Misvik."

    A few of the locals shuffled nervously in their seats as the stranger returned to the bar and ordered another whiskey and drank it as slowly and calmly as the first one. After finishing, he walked outside in the -30 degree weather, this time to find his team back where it originally was.

    Before he mushed off into the darkness, the bartender came outside and asked him "Before you go, stranger, tell me - what did you have to do in Misvik?"

    "I had to walk home."

  2. #802
    Hello Friends:

    I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.

    We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces.

    We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Barack Obama, who never told the truth, because frankly, Hillary never could tell the difference.

    We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all.

    He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money ... magnificent to say the least!

    I will be contacting you shortly to discuss your donation.
    Thank you,

    The Hillary R Clinton Monument Committee

    PS: The Committee has raised $32.16 so far. Actually, someone did donate $1,000,000, but did it thru the Clinton Foundation. The Foundation sent the $32.16 on to us with the Clinton family keeping the balance for 'administrative expenses

  3. #803
    HEAVEN AND HELL




    While walking down the street one
    Day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.


    His soul
    Arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


    "Welcome to
    Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We
    Seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what
    To do with you."


    "No problem, just let me in," says the
    Senator.


    "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What
    We'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can
    Choose where to spend eternity."


    "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want
    To be in heaven," says the Senator.


    "I'm sorry, but we have our
    Rules."


    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
    Down, down, down to hell.


    The doors open and he finds himself in the
    Middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
    Front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with
    Him.


    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
    Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
    At the expense of the people.
    They played a friendly game of golf and then
    Dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.


    Also present is the
    Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and
    Telling jokes.


    They are all having such a good time that before the
    Senator realizes it, it is time to go.


    Everyone gives him a hearty
    Farewell and waves while the elevator rises.


    The elevator goes up, up, up
    And the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's
    Time to visit heaven...”


    So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a
    Group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and
    Singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have
    Gone by and St. Peter returns.


    "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell
    And another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."


    The Senator reflects
    For a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean
    Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in
    Hell."


    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
    Down to hell...


    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle
    Of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
    Dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash
    Falls from above


    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his
    Shoulders.


    "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was
    Here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
    Drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
    Full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


    The devil
    Smiles at him and says,

    "Yesterday we were Campaigning,

  4. #804
    DEER CAMP

    Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

    Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

    Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

    "Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

    "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said,'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

    She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
    And then she said,
    "Do whatever you want."

    So, Here I am

  5. #805
    Our teacher asked us what our favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

    She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

    My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

    Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principals office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principals office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

    Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

    I told her, "Colonel Sanders". . . . . . .

    Guess where I am now...

  6. #806
    The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

    As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

    As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

    As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was that guy?”

    “Dude, that was was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”

    “Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”

  7. #807
    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
    Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
    True to his word, he made the first contact:

    " Marion ... Marion "

    "Is that you, Bob?"

    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
    off to the golf course.

    I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more
    times.

    Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the
    golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After
    supper, it's back to golf course again.

    Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
    then the next day it starts all over again"

    "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

    "No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona

  8. #808
    The Russians are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

    They see this as a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!

    This is so simple...that it's brilliant.

    I can see it now. You're in the airport terminal, and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,

    "Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number _____".

  9. #809
    Mike Snyder Nash Now Politics

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBtKMpo9YaQ

  10. #810
    Mike Snider - Goin' To Church (Country Comedy)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p56EqKjE7tU

  11. #811
    Mike Snider - Raisin' Hogs And Pullin' Calves (Country Comedy)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKYZlTjaUYc

  12. #812
    Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

    “So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.

    “Great,” Little Johnny replied.

    “Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.

    “Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”

  13. #813
    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

    Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said, “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

    Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

    Holmes said, “And what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson replied, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

    And Holmes said, “Watson, you are an idiot, it means that somebody have stolen our tent.”

  14. #814
    An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

    The boy’s hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes.

    The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, “What’s the matter, old man, haven’t you ever done anything wild in your life?”

    The old man answered, “Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

  15. #815
    A Millennial job interview

    https://vimeo.com/239050403

  16. #816

  17. #817
    I went into a little place to eat one time, was seated across from this cute readhead. I looked her way and smiled, she smiled back and then sneezed. Her glass eye flew out and I caught it as it came right at me. I got up and placed it in her hand and sat down. By then she had replaced it and was pretty embarrassed. she came over and sat down and said let me buy your meal, I said that's ok just sit with me while we eat. Well we talked and got along quite well and after we ate she said you want to come to my place and watch a movie? Sure I said and we got to her house, she put in a movie and before you knew it , well we were consenting adults. anyway she woke me up the next morning and said come on out I have coffee and made you some breakfast. That was cool and she even made me a little lunch to take to work. I said to her this is some special treatment, do you do this with all your guys? She said no "you just happened to catch my eye"

  18. #818
    Mens Help Line

    Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?

    “Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

    I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
    The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

    Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

    It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

    Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”

  19. #819
    Out of the mouths of children

    So this is a true story.. I was sitting in my living room this morning and I have Russian neighbors that live in the house behind me. We all know there are Muslims from that part of the world and I was wondering if they were indeed Muslims as well.

    Then I heard the kids singing and old Anti-Muslim song that's been around longer than most of us have been alive...

    Old MacDonald had a farm, E, I, E, I, O, and on this farm he had a pig...

    I smiled to myself and realized my neighbors were indeed NOT Muslims.

    Did you ever think that song we sang as children would be banished from schools that now take in refuge Muslim children?? Muslim parents would be up in arms hearing their children singing a song about pigs..

    It made me smile.. I'll sleep better now.

  20. #820
    Rodney Dangerfield Has Carson Hysterical Laughing (1980)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrFgD9-l390

  21. #821
    The Best of The Carol Burnett Show: How to Not Pick Up A Woman

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpUlvfReduQ

  22. #822
    Carol Burnett & Tim Conway (Tim's Surprise) ◊ 1978

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7KpqXLxFck

  23. #823
    I Used to Think I Was a Regular Guy

    I used to think I was just a regular guy, but… I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.

    I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist.

    I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe.

    I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

    I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.

    I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby.

    I am older than 65 and retired, which makes me a useless old man.

    I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

    I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

    I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

    I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

    I (and most of the folks I know), acquired a fair education without student loans (it’s called work) and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever.

    I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.

    Now, a sick old woman is calling me and my friends a basket of deplorable's.

    Please help me come to terms with the new me…

    Because I‘m just not sure who I am anymore! I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly!

    Funny…it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years! As if all this crap wasn’t enough to deal with… I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!

  24. #824
    MY BUILDING PERMIT

    Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turretsat various heights, windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parkingfor 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

    The City Council told me; "Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"

    So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."

    Work starts on Monday and here is the best part: It's going to be tax exempt!

  25. #825
    Dear Abbey,

    My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.

    What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

    Since he lost his job 15 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

    Since our daughter grew up he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

    What should I do?

    Signed: Clueless

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Dear Clueless ,

    Grow up and dump the bum .

    Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!

    You're running for President of the United States for goodness sake, act like one!

    Signed: Abbey

  26. #826
    A TRUE STORY

    Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

    He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

    The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

    So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

    The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

    However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

    Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

    Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

    The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

    So the king hired the donkey.

    And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

    TRUE STORY

  27. #827
    An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

    Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

    So he went to Dr. Geezer'ss clinic.

    This is what transpired.

    Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??
    Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

    Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

    Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

    Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!

    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."

    Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

    Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!

    remember the old saying
    "Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill"

  28. #828
    Tyrone


    None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me insane, Tyrone."

    One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.

    The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

    25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform at the Cleveland Clinic.

    Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.

    She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.

    The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong . When he turned around he saw our friend Tyrone working as a janitor in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!

    Don't tell me you thought the story was about how Tyrone became a heart-surgeon!

  29. #829
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Posts
    2,754
    I heard the real reason all the Muslim terrorists are upset is because they just found out since Hugh Heffner died there are no virgins left in Heaven!

  30. #830
    Funny Cowboy Poetry on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAN9sJEkNnw

  31. #831

  32. #832
    Cowboy poetry, western truth | Doris Daley |

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hor3deAfTKM

  33. #833
    Booger Ray on Johnny Carson March 26, 1987

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQIPRVtob7g

  34. #834
    Wanna be a seagoing sailor?

    1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

    2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

    3. Repaint your entire house every month using gray paint, but first remove all old paint with a chipping hammer.

    4. Renovate your bathroom. Lower all showerheads to four and one-half feet off the deck.

    5. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

    6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn water heater temperature up to 300 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn water heater off.

    7. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they used too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

    8. Put 5W-20 lube oil in your humidifier, instead of water, and set it on high.

    9. Leave your lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to maintain proper ambient noise and air quality level.

    10. Once a month, disassemble all your major appliances and electric garden tools, inspect them and then reassemble them. Do this every week with your lawnmower, weed whacker and other gasoline powered tools. Have a clipboard labeled for each tool with an initial sheet for record purposes.

    11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor’s house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

    12. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

    13. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling so you can’t turn over.

    14. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

    15. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 4 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say “Sorry, wrong rack.”

    16. Make each member your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house i.e., dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

    17. Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for the next two years.

    18. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout “Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up.”

    19. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 (6 A.M.) while she reads it to you.

    20. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

    21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

    22. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.

    23. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations.

    24. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

    25. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

    26. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

    27. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.*

    28. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout, “Man overboard port side!” Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

    29. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don’t plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup “Stove manned and ready.” After an hour or so, speak into the cup again “Stove secured.” Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

    30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January in Minnesota is a good time.

    31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

    32. Buy a trash compactor but only use it once a week. Store up garbage in your bathtub.

    33. Invite at least 375 people, most of whom you don’t really like, to come and live with you for about 6 months.

    34. Lock-wire the lug nuts on your car wheels.

    35. Start your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere, to ensure the engine is properly “lit off”.

    36. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes by hitting them with a heavy hammer.

    37. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

    38. Have the paperboy give you a haircut with sheep shears.

    39. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it’s OK for you to leave your house before 1500 (3 PM).

    40. Take a two-week vacation visiting Adak, and call it “ world travel”.

    41. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for “liberty.” At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

    42. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

    Now qualified, you’re ready to go to sea...

  35. #835
    Shit happens #2 (ONLY 18+). TOP Compilation

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UFxcpFXSnM

  36. #836
    Best Funny Videos #4 +200 VINES Compilation

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0PVDsOUkWw

  37. #837
    7 Most POWERFUL and Dangerous PISTOLS

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTSb58GIEvQ

  38. #838
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    south Texas Gulf coast
    Posts
    269
    A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

    After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?

    The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, Nah, you go ahead.

    Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

    He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

    The old cowboy quietly says, Yep, that's as far as I got, too
    It's kinda hard to work within the system when it's a septic system.

  39. #839
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Location
    "outside the box"
    Posts
    28,708
    I dont believe that this was intended as a joke- but damn, I sure got a few laughs out of this


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9m8Kdng1iQ
    2:43
    Alledged Members of Little Rock Missionary Church Of God walked out of service last night when their pastor Mr. Willam Terry Longstroke II brought it to their attention that his husband of one month Mrs. Donte Terry was 3 months pregnant with what he claim to be a blessing. Long time member Fred Johnson had to be rushed to the hospital after hearing the news.

  40. #840
    Bud the Cowboy


    Posted on September 7, 2014 by Wirecutter


    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Wyoming when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


    The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”


    Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?” The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …


    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple ipad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 head of livestock.”


    “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.


    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


    Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
    “You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.
    “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”


    “No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”


    “Now give me back my dog.”

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