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MAKE ME LAUGH!
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Thread: MAKE ME LAUGH!

  1. #801
    One night a dog musher, having spent many days on the trail, pulled into a small town that liked to tease strangers. Seeking refreshment, he entered the tavern and ordered a double whiskey. Sipping it slowly until finished, he walked outside, only to discover that his entire dog team was missing. He turned and walked back into the tavern and pulled a shotgun out from under his large coat. He twirled it on his finger like the Rifleman and fired a shot into the ceiling.

    "I'm going to have another whiskey," he announced in a stern voice, "and when I'm done, I'm going back outside. I'd better see my dog team returned. If it ain't, I'm going to do what I had to do in Misvik, and believe me, I don't like to do what I had to do in Misvik."

    A few of the locals shuffled nervously in their seats as the stranger returned to the bar and ordered another whiskey and drank it as slowly and calmly as the first one. After finishing, he walked outside in the -30 degree weather, this time to find his team back where it originally was.

    Before he mushed off into the darkness, the bartender came outside and asked him "Before you go, stranger, tell me - what did you have to do in Misvik?"

    "I had to walk home."

  2. #802
    Hello Friends:

    I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.

    We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces.

    We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Barack Obama, who never told the truth, because frankly, Hillary never could tell the difference.

    We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all.

    He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money ... magnificent to say the least!

    I will be contacting you shortly to discuss your donation.
    Thank you,

    The Hillary R Clinton Monument Committee

    PS: The Committee has raised $32.16 so far. Actually, someone did donate $1,000,000, but did it thru the Clinton Foundation. The Foundation sent the $32.16 on to us with the Clinton family keeping the balance for 'administrative expenses

  3. #803
    HEAVEN AND HELL




    While walking down the street one
    Day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.


    His soul
    Arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


    "Welcome to
    Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We
    Seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what
    To do with you."


    "No problem, just let me in," says the
    Senator.


    "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What
    We'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can
    Choose where to spend eternity."


    "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want
    To be in heaven," says the Senator.


    "I'm sorry, but we have our
    Rules."


    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
    Down, down, down to hell.


    The doors open and he finds himself in the
    Middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
    Front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with
    Him.


    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
    Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
    At the expense of the people.
    They played a friendly game of golf and then
    Dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.


    Also present is the
    Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and
    Telling jokes.


    They are all having such a good time that before the
    Senator realizes it, it is time to go.


    Everyone gives him a hearty
    Farewell and waves while the elevator rises.


    The elevator goes up, up, up
    And the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's
    Time to visit heaven...”


    So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a
    Group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and
    Singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have
    Gone by and St. Peter returns.


    "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell
    And another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."


    The Senator reflects
    For a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean
    Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in
    Hell."


    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
    Down to hell...


    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle
    Of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
    Dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash
    Falls from above


    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his
    Shoulders.


    "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was
    Here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
    Drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
    Full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


    The devil
    Smiles at him and says,

    "Yesterday we were Campaigning,

  4. #804
    DEER CAMP

    Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

    Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

    Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

    "Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

    "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said,'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

    She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
    And then she said,
    "Do whatever you want."

    So, Here I am

  5. #805
    Our teacher asked us what our favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

    She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

    My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

    Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principals office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principals office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

    Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

    I told her, "Colonel Sanders". . . . . . .

    Guess where I am now...

  6. #806
    The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

    As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

    As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

    As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was that guy?”

    “Dude, that was was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”

    “Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”

  7. #807
    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
    Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
    True to his word, he made the first contact:

    " Marion ... Marion "

    "Is that you, Bob?"

    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
    off to the golf course.

    I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more
    times.

    Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the
    golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After
    supper, it's back to golf course again.

    Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
    then the next day it starts all over again"

    "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

    "No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona

  8. #808
    The Russians are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

    They see this as a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!

    This is so simple...that it's brilliant.

    I can see it now. You're in the airport terminal, and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,

    "Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number _____".

  9. #809
    Mike Snyder Nash Now Politics

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBtKMpo9YaQ

  10. #810
    Mike Snider - Goin' To Church (Country Comedy)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p56EqKjE7tU

  11. #811
    Mike Snider - Raisin' Hogs And Pullin' Calves (Country Comedy)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKYZlTjaUYc

  12. #812
    Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

    “So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.

    “Great,” Little Johnny replied.

    “Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.

    “Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”

  13. #813
    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

    Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said, “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

    Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

    Holmes said, “And what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson replied, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

    And Holmes said, “Watson, you are an idiot, it means that somebody have stolen our tent.”

  14. #814
    An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

    The boy’s hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes.

    The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, “What’s the matter, old man, haven’t you ever done anything wild in your life?”

    The old man answered, “Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

  15. #815
    A Millennial job interview

    https://vimeo.com/239050403

  16. #816

  17. #817
    I went into a little place to eat one time, was seated across from this cute readhead. I looked her way and smiled, she smiled back and then sneezed. Her glass eye flew out and I caught it as it came right at me. I got up and placed it in her hand and sat down. By then she had replaced it and was pretty embarrassed. she came over and sat down and said let me buy your meal, I said that's ok just sit with me while we eat. Well we talked and got along quite well and after we ate she said you want to come to my place and watch a movie? Sure I said and we got to her house, she put in a movie and before you knew it , well we were consenting adults. anyway she woke me up the next morning and said come on out I have coffee and made you some breakfast. That was cool and she even made me a little lunch to take to work. I said to her this is some special treatment, do you do this with all your guys? She said no "you just happened to catch my eye"

  18. #818
    Mens Help Line

    Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?

    “Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

    I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
    The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

    Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

    It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

    Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”

  19. #819
    Out of the mouths of children

    So this is a true story.. I was sitting in my living room this morning and I have Russian neighbors that live in the house behind me. We all know there are Muslims from that part of the world and I was wondering if they were indeed Muslims as well.

    Then I heard the kids singing and old Anti-Muslim song that's been around longer than most of us have been alive...

    Old MacDonald had a farm, E, I, E, I, O, and on this farm he had a pig...

    I smiled to myself and realized my neighbors were indeed NOT Muslims.

    Did you ever think that song we sang as children would be banished from schools that now take in refuge Muslim children?? Muslim parents would be up in arms hearing their children singing a song about pigs..

    It made me smile.. I'll sleep better now.

  20. #820
    Rodney Dangerfield Has Carson Hysterical Laughing (1980)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrFgD9-l390

  21. #821
    The Best of The Carol Burnett Show: How to Not Pick Up A Woman

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpUlvfReduQ

  22. #822
    Carol Burnett & Tim Conway (Tim's Surprise) ◊ 1978

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7KpqXLxFck

  23. #823
    I Used to Think I Was a Regular Guy

    I used to think I was just a regular guy, but… I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.

    I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist.

    I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe.

    I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

    I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.

    I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby.

    I am older than 65 and retired, which makes me a useless old man.

    I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

    I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

    I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

    I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

    I (and most of the folks I know), acquired a fair education without student loans (it’s called work) and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever.

    I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.

    Now, a sick old woman is calling me and my friends a basket of deplorable's.

    Please help me come to terms with the new me…

    Because I‘m just not sure who I am anymore! I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly!

    Funny…it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years! As if all this crap wasn’t enough to deal with… I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!

  24. #824
    MY BUILDING PERMIT

    Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turretsat various heights, windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parkingfor 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

    The City Council told me; "Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"

    So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."

    Work starts on Monday and here is the best part: It's going to be tax exempt!

  25. #825
    Dear Abbey,

    My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.

    What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

    Since he lost his job 15 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

    Since our daughter grew up he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

    What should I do?

    Signed: Clueless

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Dear Clueless ,

    Grow up and dump the bum .

    Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!

    You're running for President of the United States for goodness sake, act like one!

    Signed: Abbey

  26. #826
    A TRUE STORY

    Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

    He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

    The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

    So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

    The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

    However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

    Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

    Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

    The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

    So the king hired the donkey.

    And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

    TRUE STORY

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